Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband wants a vasectomy

51 replies

Shootingstar7 · 13/05/2017 13:23

I was a regular poster a few years ago but only re-joined today under a new name as I would really like some advice.
I am 39 and have been with my husband for nearly 12 years. We've had our ups and downs like many people but generally happy together and i love him very much.
Backstory: we dont have children and no plans too. Personally I would not want to start a family in my 40s anyway, though i appreciate many people do.

Years ago I desperately wanted children and this caused lots of problems as he was completely against it. But we resolved things best we could and moved on. We have a lovely life now and i am perfectly happy with the situation.

I have tried various hormonal contraceptives which havent agreed with me and my husband absolutely hates using condoms and this makes things quite awkward. Therefore we have discussed the possibility of having a vasectomy and this seems to be the most practical solution.

However, he has now booked an appointment to discuss the procedure with a private consultant. Now faced with the reality of the situation, part of me feels devastated and hurt. I cant really explain why but it just feels so final and part of me feels almost in shock. I know im being ridiculous because years ago i made a conscious decision to have no kids when I decided to stay in my marriage. I respect his choice and it is his body and he is 100% certain about it. But a part of me feels like he is making my choice too, even though that is silly.

So how do i get over this irrational feeling and hurt. I think this is a good sensible and practical solution to our problem so i really need tips to get over the feeling of grief im currently experiencing. Please be kind as i really want to offer my husband my full support and move on. Thank you

OP posts:
StatelessPrincess · 13/05/2017 13:41

You aren't being ridiculous, it isn't irrational. The majority of women want children, it's normal. The fact that you're upset suggests to me that you still do, deep down. I think you need to allow yourself to think about it. People are allowed to reassess, to change their minds.

3boys3dogshelp · 13/05/2017 13:47

It's not irrational to feel upset about the situation. I know you want to be supportive but I really think you need to be honest with him about how you are feeling. It's not fair to let him have the op without discussing it first, it's really too late after.
Are you sure you Don't want children?

Huskylover1 · 13/05/2017 13:52

I remember my Mum feeling like this, when she went through the menopause. It made her feel very sad at the thought she couldn't have any more children, even though she definitely did not want any (she was early 50's, with grown up children and grandchildren!). She said it was the finality of it. I will most likely go thru the menopause in 5 years, and can't imagine that I will feel the same way, as my children are adults and I don't want any more kids, but each to their own.

I think you have to put your rational head on here. He is NEVER going to want kids. This is irregardless of whether he gets the snip. He has not taken away your option of having children, because you are free to move on and have children with someone else, if you so choose.

It's a quick and easy procedure, and it's going to vastly improve your sex life. You don't have to think about contraception.

As an aside, this is available on the NHS, so there is no need to go privately.

Original poster
Shootingstar7 · 13/05/2017 14:09

Thank you for your kind replies. We have discussed it several times in the past and i have sctually been the one to suggest it seveal times before as I am sick of feeling crappy on hormonal treatments or listening to him moan/ failed sex attempts etc re condoms. I also secretly hoped that it would put an end to my feelings of disappointment (albeit slight) sometimes when i get my period or the little voice in my head that wants to stop him when he reaches for a condom and ask if we can try without just this one time! 🙄Truth is in this time and place I definitely do not want to have children and i have a lovely life otherwise... but if i was 10 years younger with someone else, then im pretty sure that would be different. I do stand by my decision to stay in this relationship though as i do not want a future without him. Its very difficult though as half the time i dont actually know what i want!
We talked things through/ i cried a lot last night about it so he does know how upset i am. He felt he was doing the right thing, particularly as i had mentioned it previously. He got annoyed initially and said it was him having the operation and i was making it all about me when it was him that would be having the op. But then when he saw how hurt i was he said he would cancel the appointment and not do it if thats what i wanted. But the thing is he's right it is his body and there is not a single sensible reason for him not to go ahead with it. His feelings are never going to change and i am not going to leave so really a vasectomy doesnt actUally change anything....

OP posts:
Original poster
Shootingstar7 · 13/05/2017 14:16

Thanks Husky, sorry spent so long dithering with my reply that i didnt see your comment. I completely agree with what you say about putting my practical head on and that it should improve our sex life in the long run. And i agree that i have the choice to stay or leave and i have always chosen to stay. My problem is I am not the most practically minded and I am a very emotionally-led person. Im not sure how to stop feeling and just be more pragmatic about the situation. And we know that it is available on the NHS but my husband is a GP and i think he wants to remove having to speak to one of his colleagues for a referrral etc/ maintain our privacy

OP posts:
Original poster
Shootingstar7 · 13/05/2017 17:04

.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 13/05/2017 17:23

Well it's completely normal. It's all very well choosing not to have kids, but it's a different story when someone else chooses for you.

Also 39 is a dodgy age. The door starts to close and you become acutely aware of it and it can trigger longing out of a clear blue sky. (I conceived my first at 39 after a decade of being married and not having any interest)

Original poster
Shootingstar7 · 13/05/2017 17:27

Thanks for your reply, i completely agree with u about 39 being a funny age! That big 4-0 looming in the distance does alter your perspective slightly on some things...

OP posts:
SleepingTiger · 13/05/2017 18:26

It is fantastic that you given 12 years of your life - and some of your best years - to this man who you are "generally happy" with.

Absolutely bloody fantastic. Yee-hah!! Kick on! Give the rest of your life to him, for love.

There is no more time to waste. Not another week even.

Original poster
Shootingstar7 · 13/05/2017 18:48

Sorry if im being dense but u sound angry with me Sleeping. I assume u think ive been stupid in my decisions.

OP posts:
SleepingTiger · 13/05/2017 19:40

Stupid is your word, not mine.

Original poster
Shootingstar7 · 13/05/2017 20:01

Not sure why you seem so hostile towards me SleepingTiger. I came on here seeking help and advice with my situation as I am very upset

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 13/05/2017 20:11

SleepingTiger - bit harsh?

OP this is such a sad post.

You don't sound happy with the decision not to have children, not at all.

Is it worth exploring that?

Original poster
Shootingstar7 · 13/05/2017 20:24

Thank you Fizzy. I guess most of the time I dont think about it. As I made my decision and dont want to lose my husband. I'm normally a glass half full person so focus on the good things in life. This has forced the issue I think as it is so final. I am going to search for a counsellor to talk things through with as I really need to put this to bed once and for all. I need to know how to fully resolve this in my mind so this marriage can move forward.

OP posts:
Bobcho · 13/05/2017 20:25

Hi op, my situation is a little different to yours as I already have 2 wonderful dcs but I can really relate to the awful hurt you are feeling. Earlier in the year my dh had a vasectomy (against my wishes) as he was adamant he didn't want any more children. I would have dearly loved another and my biological clock is also ticking.
Like yourself, we did talk it through before the event. I cried, told him it wasn't what I wanted but in the end relented as it is his body, his choice.
Or so I thought...
Now the deed is done I feel worse than ever. I thought I had come to terms with the decision but I find I am now filled with hurt and anger- which I am finding it really difficult not to redirect at dh.
In every other respect we have a happy marriage but the vasectomy has driven a massive wedge between us.
My husband is now utterley devastated that he has hurt me so deeply, although he maintains he never wanted more children.
I am sure (really hoping) that as time passes so too will all of the negative feelings and mourning for a new family member I will never have. We have been together well over 15yrs and we have always been a strong team.
Please just really think twice about if this is really what you both want as a couple as it is so so final and could be akin to setting a bomb off in your relationship.
You really do have all of my sympathy- this is an impossible situation x

PanannyPanoo · 13/05/2017 20:28

I think that the vasectomy is very final and seemingly takes away any possibility. although obviously they don't always work. My husband and I are in our 40's we have 2 children and that was a long, emotional struggle. I know I don't want to risk being pregnant again. We know we don't want more children. Yet now the appointment is booked I am thinking about how it is taking away that option.
I think you have described a very normal response. Would you consider exploring it together further with a counsellor to guide the conversation.
Yes it is his body but it is denying you the possibility of being a mum to his children so it has a very significant effect on you. it ist just about feeling sore for a few days.
I think take him up on his suggestion to cancel. whilst he is certain this is right for him you may not feel it is right for you and then there are a whole plethora of other things to consider.

Original poster
Shootingstar7 · 13/05/2017 20:37

Bob - I'm so sorry about how things have turned out for you. This is something I am concerned about, that i will harbour some huge resentment afterwards.
Pan - i will suggest joint counselling to him and see what he says. It seems so unfair that all of the hurt is left on my shoulders all the time

OP posts:
Bythebeach · 13/05/2017 20:40

Gosh. How hard. I think it is clearly an emotional subject for you. You wished very strongly to have kids in the past and sacrificed that to stay with your husband. Whilst it seems a very pragmatic step it must be incredibly hard. 39 is a hard age, v last chance saloon feeling. I'm 39, I have all the kids I want and yet this age does feel a bit last possible time for another one.

It probably is all resolved and you are past it, but if is there any chance you aren't completely at peace with your decisions, I guess now is the time to revisit them and you know that deep down. How difficult. Talk it out with him and good luck.

scottishdiem · 13/05/2017 21:01

There is an odd psychological situation where men have control over their own bodies and try to deny conception. I mean, condoms and other techniques can also be used by men to stop their partners getting pregnant but the "hope" seems to be there, even if a man doesnt want it. Why is this? Why is men having a choice such a devastating thing to a woman?

OP, I think you need to seek support regarding this decision not to have children and to either be at peace with it or to confront your feelings about it so you still have time to have a child.

SolitudeSometimesIs · 13/05/2017 21:32

Your post makes me so sad OP. My DH and I made the decision not to have any more children, it was a relief for me to know I would never get pregnant again.

How will you feel in ten years time when the decision is out of your hands? How will you feel if your DH gets hit by a bus in 5 years and you have missed your chance to have a baby? You shouldn't base your decision to not have children on the fact that he will be with you forever. You need to be happy with your decision come what may.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but you need to consider everything.

Whatalready · 14/05/2017 07:37

I think that you know the answer to this one. Most decisions we make with our heads through reason and argument. But some are illogical because we follow our hearts. Those decisions are not wrong but they are frighteningly spontaneous.. We fall head over heels in love with someone who is not necessarily the best choice on paper and this is another example. You want a baby. Very clearly you do. And you would manage perfectly. And feel fulfilled.
I am concerned that you are going to try and force yourself back into logical mode again through counseling. If you feel this so deeply I hope you follow your heart xx

Swirlysunshine · 14/05/2017 07:51

Similarish situation....but my partner sperm banked....would that make you feel better? Knowing there was some kind of back up? My partner had his op on Thursday. I supported his decision but from him booking the appt until yesterday I felt a bit of grief. Often big decisions leave you feeling that way...just as you are about to finalise option a all you can see are reasons not to do option a. Do you think there could be an element of that?

heyday · 14/05/2017 08:46

This is a sad situation. Your DH has booked an initial consultation and perhaps he will need to talk to somebody there about the finality of never having children; the huge impact on you too. If your husband has never wanted children before then, at this stage of his life, he is probably even more determined to never have them. The trouble is, the decision you, or more to the point, he makes now will influence your life forever. I think you should postpone the op for now so you can work thru your feelings. I think in all honesty that your DH is totally sure about his decision, he doesn't have any doubts. However, once the operation is completed then your chances of having children with him have ended. For me, I'm not sure I would ever put the love of a man before my strong maternal instincts to have children, but that was a choice that you made and now you need to stand by it. It's crunch time now. Certainly by having the operation then life will be much simpler for you both. Remember though, he has not denied you the chance of having children, just of having them with him. Give yourself a little time, talk it through with a good friend or councillor allow yourself to grieve a little and then get on with the job of living your life to the full.

user1480459555 · 14/05/2017 10:08

I think you should be happy your OH is willing to have a vasectomy. So many men refuse to have one because they think they will "no longer be a man".

Me and OH decided before we got married that we were not going to have children. I was on the pill but it didn't agree with me. When OH said he would have a vasectomy I was over the moon. We had to pay as we were quite young and our GP wouldn't agree to it.

PanannyPanoo · 14/05/2017 10:34

Every one is different though User. You sound like you were certain you would never want children. I think that Op is not so confident that she will never want to be a mum.