Husband wants a vasectomy

[Shootingstar7]

I was a regular poster a few years ago but only re-joined today under a new name as I would really like some advice.
I am 39 and have been with my husband for nearly 12 years. We've had our ups and downs like many people but generally happy together and i love him very much.
Backstory: we dont have children and no plans too. Personally I would not want to start a family in my 40s anyway, though i appreciate many people do.

Years ago I desperately wanted children and this caused lots of problems as he was completely against it. But we resolved things best we could and moved on. We have a lovely life now and i am perfectly happy with the situation.

I have tried various hormonal contraceptives which havent agreed with me and my husband absolutely hates using condoms and this makes things quite awkward. Therefore we have discussed the possibility of having a vasectomy and this seems to be the most practical solution.

However, he has now booked an appointment to discuss the procedure with a private consultant. Now faced with the reality of the situation, part of me feels devastated and hurt. I cant really explain why but it just feels so final and part of me feels almost in shock. I know im being ridiculous because years ago i made a conscious decision to have no kids when I decided to stay in my marriage. I respect his choice and it is his body and he is 100% certain about it. But a part of me feels like he is making my choice too, even though that is silly.

So how do i get over this irrational feeling and hurt. I think this is a good sensible and practical solution to our problem so i really need tips to get over the feeling of grief im currently experiencing. Please be kind as i really want to offer my husband my full support and move on. Thank you

Have you tried using a cap for contraception? its old fashioned but no hormones and doesn't effect sensation.

You say if you were 10 years younger you would feel differently. Do you regret not finding someone 10 years ago who wanted children?
If your husband had wanted children would your life be perfect now or do you think you would regret having them?

Are your options stay with the man you love and never have children.
or leave and be a mum on your own- donor or adoption.
If you fast forward 20 years and look back at your life. Which path would you rather take.

Will you wish you had had children

Thanks for all the replies, sorry i havent had chance to post again until now. We had a huge talk yesterday and DH is going to cancel the appointment tomorrow. His feelings havent changed but he didnt consider how upsetting i would find it. I cried a lot and still feel shook up, as although he will not be going through with it unless it is something i am comfortable with, it has brought everything up to the surface for me. And the fact that I have reacted so badly to all this shows how much i have been trying to suppress over the years.

User I am glad that things worked out well for you both but your situation sounds very different to mine. I have wanted very badly to have children - I just wanted my marriage to work more. Therefore this vasectomy does not mean freedom for me, but is symbolic of what I cannot have with the man I love.

Pan, yes I wish I had met someone 10 years ago who wanted children. In fact at the time I thought I had found that person in my DH as we had talked about having them at a late date. It was only a few weeks before our wedding when he told me he now knew he would never want them, and has been certain ever since. At the time I was very upset at the timing of the situation as we had been discussing trying for a baby soon after getting married, but I guess that made him realise that he didnt actually want them.
I dont think my life would be perfect if i had children, particularly if I was bringing them up on my own (likely to be the case if I had them in the near future). I think that is something that I would struggle with. But I feel in a loving relationship that I could be a fairly good and happy mum.
Anyway, I am exhausted as I feel that I have tried lots of things over the years to deal with the situation but I have always had a residual resentment which I have trried to hide but does come out from time to time. It is not his fault that he doesnt want kids, or that I decided to stay and work on my marriage, so any resentment towards him is unfair, but it is something I have struggled with as he has the life he wanted whilst I cant: his feelings means that I cannot have children with my husband, and I find that hard to fully accept. We have talked about getting counselling together to help move on from this, so maybe that will help. I just hope that they dont tell me to do what I've been doing eg focusing on the positive, filling my life with other things etc, as I have tried so hard already and it obviously hasnt worked.

goodness I feel so sorry for you, don't know what to suggest except that some men realise how much they do want a child when it is there!! (Simon Cowell! for one)

I think you are now realising just how much you have sacrificed for him.

Totally shit of him to say he did want kids then say no just before the wedding.

Was there always that part of you that secretly thought at some point he would change his mind?

The timing of him telling you he didn't want children was brutal and so unfair.

You've made all the sacrifices in your marriage, you gave up the chance (possibly) of motherhood to please him. Why was his desire to remain childless more important than your desire to be a mother.

If you split up in the future how will you feel.

I don't know what to advise, if you aren't happy with your life without a child, if you want a baby, change your life x

I agree about the timing of him telling me and i was furious for ages about that, and actually still feel that he went about things in a thoroughly twatty way. He disagrees with my version of events and said that he was never sure initially and then realised definitely that he didnt wAnt kids over time. He doent feel that he was particularly misleading but i remember the shock of his announcement and the argueing etc that followed, so I beg to differ.

Actually give counselling a shot.

It may be that he hasn't realised the depth of your distress because you've been coping so long.

My DH never wanted kids either. But when the baby train hit me at 39, he was so upset by my distress that he said he couldn't deny me a baby.

Luckily it worked out for me, as we have two now and it's turned out to be the biggest source of joy in his whole life.

You never know. You've nothing to lose anyway. At least you'll be able to be heard.

Totally not ridiculous I have 3 kids, have had 2 MCs, one after DS1 and one after my twins. My DH said he was going to have a V and I was devastated, it's the whole never say never thing I think? We have no plans for any more but the thought of the choice being taken away permanently was very hard and upsetting. He went ahead and had it, and now I'm glad to be honest as we don't need to worry about any unplanned babies, all of our pregnancies were planned. I don't do well on contraception because of other health issues, so really he did it for me. Once it was done, I didn't feel half as sad, hope that helps

I don't think anybody should sacrifice having children if they want them. At 39 it may still not be too late...

OP your new post is very sad. He told you weeks before your wedding he didn't want kids when you'd been talking about babies! If he loved you and didn't want kids, why didn't he walk away at that point so you could BOTH have a good chance of finding a life partner with compatible wishes. You must have felt backed into a corner weeks before the wedding. I know you are thinking about counselling to help you but don't take so long that if you decide children are more important, it's too late!

When would have been a good time for him to be clear about his future wishes? Once he knew what they were? He was clear before they got married. Better then than a few years later surely. He can only come to a decision in time and thats what he did. At least he hasnt lied or varied from that.

Bythebeach asks "If he loved you and didn't want kids, why didn't he walk away at that point so you could BOTH have a good chance of finding a life partner with compatible wishes." but the alternative is also valid "If she loved him and did want kids, why didn't she walk away at that point so they could BOTH have a good chance of finding a life partner with compatible wishes."?

Oh my gosh this is heartbreaking and I know exactly how you feel. I'm 42 now and no DC but always wanted them. My twatty ex said he always wanted a family and when ttc did not work he refused to go to the GP. He'd get angry if I mentioned it at all, accuse me of ruining his weekend/evening etc. I feel robbed by him now, totally. You must do what you want to do. If you want DC then look at your options and be very true to yourself and your desires. You only live once. I'm with a new DP now who has 2 DC and I'm still not sure about settling for being a SM only. DP is open to the idea of more DC fortunately but I'm 42 now and we haven't been together long enough to ttc (don't know if it's even possible now). Don't be full of regret. I'm sad for you 😔

I was so upset when I went to have my womb ablation and sterilisation that the surgeon didn't operate. DH too was horrified at just how upset I was and how sad I was at not having anymore children. It still amazes me that he can't see the huge gap between rational sense and emotions/desire!!

I have 4 children, the youngest was 5 and at full time school, I desperately needed ablation and it was entirely my decision.

The grief of the finality of the op was huge though, the tears silently rolled down my cheeks signing the consent form and again in the pre-op, I really did have to persuade the consultant that I wasn't being coerced I was just very sad.

be kind to yourself and if your DH is open to some joint counselling then I would go for it because perhaps he needs to step up and emotionally support you even if he is still adamant that he doesn't want children.

Thanks for all your comments. DH is definitely up for joint counselling and recognises that whilst I do want to stay in the marriage I need help to work through my feelings, and thst this is not just 'my' problem but sffects both of us and our marriage. I have told him that I stand by my decision to stay with him but trying to deal with things myself obviously hasnt sorked and I dont want to continue feeling this way.
Re why one of us didnt walk away before the wedding, I guess a lot of that was to do with the fact that it is vey hard to do that and ultimately despite our differences we are happy together and love each other very much. I will also be using the counselling to explore the possibility of us splitting and going our own ways so that i am fully resolved with the future, but my aim at this time is to stay and try to find a way of easing these emotions. When I do feel sad about not having kids, it can be overwhelming but on a day-to-day basis it generally isnt a problem so I am hopeful that with the right support that I can be happy without being a mum. Either way, i am hopeful thst counselling is a positive step.

This is such a sad thread to read. I feel so sorry for you. When couples decide not to have children that's perfectly fine, but you are not a couple that has decided not to have children, just one person. It will never be ok that he is the reason you don't have a family, I fear. As you get older, it will become even more of a wedge between you (especially when the time to rectify it is passed).

I also think that he is deeply selfish to allow you to have made this painful sacrifice. I'm not saying he should have had a baby he didn't want, but he should have ended it with you.

Plus as others have said your entire future is now 100% wrapped up in this one person - what if he dies or has an affair or just falls out of love with you? You're giving up what many women find to be the most fulfilling thing in life and could end up with nothing? I strongly urge you to reconsider your marriage. 'Dealing with feelings' by pushing them down and getting on with things is not dealing with them at all. The issue hasn't gone away. It never will because you want to be a mother and you can't change that - and shouldn't have to. I personally think you should leave him, and pursue having a baby.

JayneAusten very well said

"he should have ended it with you."

Still not getting this attitude. It is a perfectly legitimate thing to not want children. It is a perfectly legitimate thing to want children. It is also fine for a man to tell a woman that he does not want kids but loves her, marries her etc. It would also be fine for a woman to say that despite loving you I want kids so I need to leave. Why should he have left her and not the other way round?

I think counselling is the way to go. as a gp he must be aware of the all consuming desire many woman feel to have children. Hormonal or emotional it is real.

He needs to fully understand the sacrifice you have made because you chose him.

it sounds like he is a caring man who wants things to an right.

is there any possible compromise?
Do you want to be pregnant with you own child or would a relationship with a child who needs you be enough. respite for a child with special needs for example.

Does he not want to be responsible for a child or is it he doesn't want to bring another life into the world? Would fostering or adoption be a possibility?

I hope you can both find a way forward that fulfils you both.

Yes I agree with JayneAusten - this is really unfair and I think that he has behaved atrociously. He strung you along with talk of having children and trying for a family after you were married, because he could see that you definately wanted children, and knew that you probably wouldnt have agreed to marry him if they had not been on the cards, and then, with wedding planned and underway, when there was little likelihood of you backing out, he dropped the bombshell, relying on the fact you wouldnt want to lose him and the wedding as well.

He has always known you wanted children. You have persuaded yourself into believing you are happy without, but this recent finality seems also to have shown that really things have just been buried, and your position is as it has always been. He is the one who changed the goalposts, and who hooked you with a lie and Im not surprised you argued and it caused a huge amount of problems. Even now you talk about having counselling so as to work your way through the feelings - I wonder if he realises that there may not be any working your way through them and shutting the lid on them again? And does working your way through mean persuading yourself you are happy with it all? You say you are but Im not so sure that is coming through, which is horribly sad.

Has HE had any counselling as to why he is so adamantly against it? There seem to be 2 different reasons why men dont want kids - the first seems to stem from childhood and either having had an awful time as a kid, or had bad parenting, they dont want to put another child through it all, or think they will be rubbish at being a dad - the second is because they fundamentally want to stay as no 1 in the relationship - all eyes and focus on them, and not really have to consider making any sacrifices for someone else. I guess counselling will determine which it is, but I would encourage his reasoning to be looked at as well - why should all the 'working through it' be down to you - maybe he should 'work through his feelings' about why he would demand that you sacrifice something that meant so much to you, and be OK with hurting you like that.

Jayne I think ur views reflect many people's on this and I have certainly heard these views before from friends etc. I really do hope that this is something that will not be an issue for ever but I am concerned that it might be. I guess counselling is something that will help us explore whether we really are able to move on or if a split is the best course of action. I am aware that this issue needs tackling properly and cannot be ignored any longer.

Scottish - I completely agree with you. I have always defending his right to choice and he cannot help his feelings anymore than I can. We both had the right to end things if we chose to but we didnt because we love esch other very much and I can't imagine how heartbroken I would have been if he broke up with me just before the wedding because of this. We want to be together, but are views on children are unfortunately very different.

Pana, as silly as it sounds I dont think he really understood the full impact this has had on me until the last few days. I guess he was hoping that things would ease with time etc but he really does get that this is not going to go away on its own and that this is our problem for us to work through together with help and support.
As selfish as it probably sounds I would feel that I was missing out if i couldnt be pregnant with my own child and am really not keen on fostering/ adopting and this is not something that my husband would want either. He doesnt want children full stop, tbh he isnt particularly keen on children generally. Interesting thst you mentioned about respite etc as i dont think thats for us either but it is a consideration. It also has made me think that there may be other ways for me to feel involved in other childrens lives, maybe on a voluntary basis etc. Really not the same as your own child, but could be a good option anyway, thank you.

Nettle things weren't quite that black and white. We met when I was in my late 20s and my previous relationship had been wuite abusive so I really wasnt looking st having children then either. I thought maybe in a few years, but wasnt 100% sure either. In the next few years I began to feel that I really did want them and I think he really wanted me to be happy and hoped things would work out. I guess as I became more certain of what I wanted, so did he, until he knew that he didnt want them under any circumstances. I dont think he was stringing me along to be cruel but more didnt want to hurt me or say he wouldnt have them until he was 100% sure.
No he hasnt had counselling as to why he doesnt want them but we have talked in depth and a lot of it is linked to his own childhood, but he does have other reasons too. I do feel that all this time this has been viewed mostly as my problem to work on but i think he now sees that this isnt exactly the case. Hopefully in joint counselling we will have the chance to work through both of our feelings on the issue and explore everything in depth

In fact at the time I thought I had found that person in my DH as we had talked about having them at a late date. It was only a few weeks before our wedding when he told me he now knew he would never want them, and has been certain ever since.
It's so sad.

My DH were always ambivalent about having children, although, deep down I think I always thought I would. He would always point blank say no. We were on holiday once and I could see so many families there and I knew I really wanted to have a child, I raised the subject and my DH said, no. I told him no children was a deal breaker for me and I knew I meant it. He knew I meant it too. So we started trying. He told me that he just needed me to really want it for him to be able to do it too. A fear thing I guess. Anyhow. I had my first (and only, we only ever wanted one) child at 40 years old, by this time we have been together for 14 years, and she is the best thing we have ever done. Our life before pales into insignificance compared to her.

I used to do what you do, hope every month my period wouldn't arrive, and then tell myself I wasn't really disappointed.

I know Valentine 😔 We share the same views on so many things including values, all the important stuff etc.... except this one bloody thing! Neither of us r perfect buy he is good and kind and we belong together, but this hangs like a shadow over us...

Tone, glad things worked out for u in the end

Thank you, I really hope things work out for you too.