New to MN please be nice, this is quite long.
Bit of backstory.. been with DP for 2.5 years and we have a beautiful (surprise) DS who will be 1 on Monday. DP has a ton of emotional baggage from childhood to his twenties which is honestly horrific and I would never wish anyone to go through what he's been through. He's had some help in the past, maybe 10 years ago and 6 CBT sessions recently but I don't think it was enough. He doesn't get on with my parents, they have done a few things to make him feel like they aren't welcoming him into the family, but he hasn't helped the situation either.
What's happened to him has left him with a temper like I've never seen before (but his dad is exactly the same so I don't know what's the bigger influence). It doesn't matter what has offended him, it might be nothing to do with me but when he has one of these episodes he will shout and insult me and my family for up to 6 hours, usually in the evening. Take my phone away, call me horrific things (pathetic, cunt, fucking bitch) tell me he would happily punch my dad, order me to tell my family they will have no access to DS, cut me off from my best friend he doesn't like, the list goes on. It upsets me so much I can't stop crying but that makes it worse. I've had PND, and he dragged me down further when DS was about 3 months old. Accused me of cheating when I was heavily pregnant, wouldn't show any affection for weeks, acted like he hated me and wouldn't ever let me tell him how it made me feel. He nearly broke me and the things he would say I could never imagine saying to someone I loved. I felt so alone and he said he felt no remorse. Even now when he's stressed he won't deal with it well, withhold affection, talk at me about what I'm not doing to help myself in a horrible tone. Telling me it's my fault because I need to let go of the things he does. I can't though because I can't understand why he does it if he loves me. I feel like he doesn't respect me.
He's a brilliant dad but will often get out of doing mealtimes and bedtime. Then when he's angry will tell me I need to go and leave him with HIS son, he could do a better job at home than I'm doing, DS gets fussy because I give him too much attention, he's the easiest kid in the world but I still moan about how hard it is (yes, I find being a mum hard, shocker). I appreciate everything he does but he tells me he has to suffer going to work every day while I 'sit on the sofa wondering what to wear everyday'. I do 99% of everything for our son and 100% food shopping and cooking, most of the cleaning. I pay what I can towards bills.
Anyway I feel so confused as to what I right and wrong now. Friends tell me he's manipulating me and emotionally abusive. He ties me up in my own head during arguments so I don't even know how to respond to him or end up feeling like I'm in the wrong. He uses his age (he's 37, I'm 25) against me all the time. His knowledge of people, relationships, right and wrong supersedes mine and I need to show him more respect.
It's not like this all the time and when we're good we're great. But this happens when he's stressed and I tell him I'm here for him and I love him and if he wants to talk through problems I'm listening but I won't accept it escalating to that degree. He thinks it's normal and all couples argue (I know this but isn't this OTT and NOT normal?) and I'm overreacting. When he does listen to me he tells me he can't help it. I told him a few weeks ago I would leave him if it happened again and it has. I'm still here so I know he knows he'll get away with it.
I don't know what to do or what to think anymore. I don't know what is normal anymore? Surely even if you're stressed this is not acceptable behaviour?