Don't know which way is up anymore

[user1494666254]

New to MN please be nice, this is quite long.

Bit of backstory.. been with DP for 2.5 years and we have a beautiful (surprise) DS who will be 1 on Monday. DP has a ton of emotional baggage from childhood to his twenties which is honestly horrific and I would never wish anyone to go through what he's been through. He's had some help in the past, maybe 10 years ago and 6 CBT sessions recently but I don't think it was enough. He doesn't get on with my parents, they have done a few things to make him feel like they aren't welcoming him into the family, but he hasn't helped the situation either.

What's happened to him has left him with a temper like I've never seen before (but his dad is exactly the same so I don't know what's the bigger influence). It doesn't matter what has offended him, it might be nothing to do with me but when he has one of these episodes he will shout and insult me and my family for up to 6 hours, usually in the evening. Take my phone away, call me horrific things (pathetic, cunt, fucking bitch) tell me he would happily punch my dad, order me to tell my family they will have no access to DS, cut me off from my best friend he doesn't like, the list goes on. It upsets me so much I can't stop crying but that makes it worse. I've had PND, and he dragged me down further when DS was about 3 months old. Accused me of cheating when I was heavily pregnant, wouldn't show any affection for weeks, acted like he hated me and wouldn't ever let me tell him how it made me feel. He nearly broke me and the things he would say I could never imagine saying to someone I loved. I felt so alone and he said he felt no remorse. Even now when he's stressed he won't deal with it well, withhold affection, talk at me about what I'm not doing to help myself in a horrible tone. Telling me it's my fault because I need to let go of the things he does. I can't though because I can't understand why he does it if he loves me. I feel like he doesn't respect me.

He's a brilliant dad but will often get out of doing mealtimes and bedtime. Then when he's angry will tell me I need to go and leave him with HIS son, he could do a better job at home than I'm doing, DS gets fussy because I give him too much attention, he's the easiest kid in the world but I still moan about how hard it is (yes, I find being a mum hard, shocker). I appreciate everything he does but he tells me he has to suffer going to work every day while I 'sit on the sofa wondering what to wear everyday'. I do 99% of everything for our son and 100% food shopping and cooking, most of the cleaning. I pay what I can towards bills.

Anyway I feel so confused as to what I right and wrong now. Friends tell me he's manipulating me and emotionally abusive. He ties me up in my own head during arguments so I don't even know how to respond to him or end up feeling like I'm in the wrong. He uses his age (he's 37, I'm 25) against me all the time. His knowledge of people, relationships, right and wrong supersedes mine and I need to show him more respect.

It's not like this all the time and when we're good we're great. But this happens when he's stressed and I tell him I'm here for him and I love him and if he wants to talk through problems I'm listening but I won't accept it escalating to that degree. He thinks it's normal and all couples argue (I know this but isn't this OTT and NOT normal?) and I'm overreacting. When he does listen to me he tells me he can't help it. I told him a few weeks ago I would leave him if it happened again and it has. I'm still here so I know he knows he'll get away with it.

I don't know what to do or what to think anymore. I don't know what is normal anymore? Surely even if you're stressed this is not acceptable behaviour?

He doesn't love you and he's not a brilliant dad (for goodness sake, he does nothing for and with his child, how can you say he's brilliant with a straight face?)
He's horrible and abusive, maybe because his dad was too, but if you don't leave him your own child will experience the same childhood and the same damage.

Holy hell op he is not a brilliant dad!

Get out now, you need to leave him.

I'm going to be harsh here, but having him as a influence around your son is not good.

He is a emotionally, verbally abusive man.

A lot of people have had horrible up things happen to them, it does not give them any excuse to be like the way your partner is acting.

He's being manipulative in that message saying 'sorry we can't be together anymore'. He's trying to scare you into begging for him back. I bet he has no desire to end the relationship at all and is just playing mind games with you to wear you down. He clearly enjoys playing the victim card and having power over you

He doesn't mean it. He wants you to forgive his abuse and beg him to stay and 'work on it'
Of course he doesn't want it to be over. He enjoys abusing you and he gets a lot out of it.
Please reflect. You owe your child a better life than this.

That's basically him saying "you'll put up with me abusing you, or you're ending our relationship. I will not make any effort to treat you anything other than cruelly".

You don't have to live like this, OP.

Snatch his hand off, op

Although I highly doubt he will actually let his victim go so easily

He;s playing you OP! Manipulation at its best. He hopes that by apologising and saying he is no good for you etc, you will then beg him to stay and work things out. He then gets off scot free. Don't let him manipulate you like this. Call his bluff and just agree that its over. Then he will squirm, I guarantee.

He's manipulating you and calling your bluff. Take him at his word and get the fuck out of there. If you stay with him, you're basically giving him the green light to behave worse than he already does. He's basically said "this is who i am, i'm not going to change" and will use that against you if you stay with him.

Agree with everyone else that he's calling your bluff, he expects you to ask him to stay so he can regain control of you and the situation.

Don't give in!

He won't change op.

I do at times feel empathetic towards people such as your dp who have grown up witnessing such abuse that it infiltrates them to such a degree that they are dysfunctional for life.

But what I feel is important is that you understand that he is now projecting that into you and your little baby. Your child will bear the brunt of this abuse and turn out not too dissimilar from his father.

That is what abuse is; it's learned at home and is then projected onto others once you grow up.

Women fool themselves into thinking they aren't getting a beating so it's not abuse but sadly the dynamics of emotional abuse are always present in the home and the intricacies of the child's character/temperament are sewn together from a very young age.

The early years are so important, they can't be undone.

I know you love this man but he is dysfunctional.

Try try try to do what his own mother did not do and remove be your child from this domestic abuse.

He will start the mind games, he will promise therapy - believe me therapy won't be able to reverse his dysfunction. Abusive men very rarely rarely change.

In some ways he is a victim given how he was raised but you mustn't try and be his saviour because if it was that simple many people would be able to snap out of this behaviour.

I would highly recommend speaking to your parents ASAP about what is going on.

Please read Lundy' s book on abusive men.You will learn that his abuse is not due to his childhood but his belief that you need to tolerate what he does.Its his belief system which is why anger management doesn't work.
You said yourself that he doesn't respect you and he doesnt.You are expected to do as he wants and take whatever abuse he gives to you.

It isn't you..its him and he would be the same to another woman.
Well done for standing up to him but you need to follow through.It won't change and it won't get better. You and your son deserve better.If you stay you will create an environment where your son learns that this is acceptable behaviour.

He's telling you he won't change. If you don't follow through you're accepting him as he is now and he knows it.

If you don't stand your ground, that's your future mapped out. He'll try to manipulate you so you either cave in, or he can blame you for the split.

They are always the charming ones I have warned my daughters beware the ones baring flowers, I wish you luck stay strong you can do this 👍🏻

It feels like a right heartwrenching old mess at the moment, but you'll look back in a few months / years and think thank fuck I got out. The bloke is a douche.

Hermione I've looked into Lundy and I've already had like 500 lightbulb moments. It makes so much sense and I can relate to literally everything that I'm reading. Thank you for that. We'll see how it plays out tonight. Terrified of being on my own but my number one priority is my son. Over my dead body will I let the cycle continue with him.

Must go just seen my son licking rainwater off the table outside

Be thankful you're not married. LEAVE!

It sounds like he's leaving so you don't leave him, based on your last post ... be thankful ... take the opportunity to get him out of your home.

brilliant dads don't treat the mother's of their children in this manner. He is not a brilliant dad. He doesn't sound like a very nice person at all ... no matter what happened to him in his past ... he is an adult and he needs to take responsibility for his behaviour and choices.

Hermonie2016 as much as Lundy is brilliant I absolutely disagree with him based on other evidence and studies!

Abuse in childhood creates a cycle and not a good one!

We will turn out how we were raised and we are a product of our experiences/environment.

I'm not saying an abusive man can't just be abusive but seriously if you've had the right upbringing and positive experiences throughout life you aren't going to just turn into an abusive bastard are you? Unless you have MH issues.

Be strong and leave, or get him to leave, as you've just said you will do.
I actually couldn't read your full OP as memories came flooding back of my dad shouting at mum and us kids for hours on end, swearing at her, calling her names, interogating her for being home 5 minutes late, kidnapping me and locking me in a room to punish her.
My mum had opportunities to get rid of him and didn't take them. All her children were seriously emotionally damaged by witnessing what went on, and being emotionally abused by him day in and day out. It might be hard to leave in the short term but do it for your son.

I think you should get out right now while he is at work. You have had a long time of this and he saw no wrong in his actions. I doubt if he will change no matter the number of promises he makes.
You have done your best now to protect you and little boy.

Charley I'm sorry it brought back memories and that you had to witness that. It breaks my heart even imagining that one day my boy could witness it. He barricaded me in the kitchen once with him and LO on the other side. LO was only 2 months old. Should have left then.

He's changed his mind and wants to stop the 'talking' and thinks love and affection is the way forward tonight. How the hell are you supposed to keep a level head in all this. One minute it's fine we're over, the next it's I want us to forget it and be happy

Yep. You will get the full on emotional blackmail now. You are a fool if you fall for it. Expect your son to grow up just like him if you stick around.

Told he he was manipulating you. If one tactic doesn't work, he will switch to another until he gets what he wants.

The love and affection won't last and he'll be back to his abusive self within days (maybe even hours).

User - that is just the sort of thing my dad did, along with the promises to change. The time my mum left him and fled 300 miles away, he begged and begged her to come back. The day she did; he punched her in the face.
She also used to say that the reason she went back to him was because I cried for him. I was a tiny baby.. I didn't know any better!
Please don't say this man is a good dad; he isn't. He's an abusive cunt.
I'm saying all this to let you know it will not get any better. He won't leave willingly. You will have to involve the police or male relatives, but a few weeks stress will be worth it to give you and your son the chance to live in peace. I don't see the point in telling him to leave by yourself. That will be another evening spent with him screaming and shouting at you. You need back up.

OP I'm sorry for sounding alarmist, but if he can excuse his abuse when the relationship is otherwise ok, he will justify how he treats you tonight. The freedom programme taught me that abusers are a certain type of person, they make the same excuses, they use the same techniques to control, terrify and punish, they always up the ante to try and scare their victim into staying with them. I'm worried he will be worse than usual tonight. I'm genuinely worried for you and your son.
Contrary to popular belief, nobody owes their soon to be ex partner face to face explanations of why the relationship doesn't work. First and foremost be safe, and with men like this, you need to protect yourself and your son. I strongly suggest you and your son leave before he gets home. Please don't trust him right now

I agree with FeelTheNoise. Abusers (and if he has locked you in the kitchen then that has definitely crossed the boundary from emotional abuse into physical abuse) are at their most dangerous when partners are planning to leave or have left. They know their control is slipping. Your safety needs to come first.