Don't know which way is up anymore

[user1494666254]

New to MN please be nice, this is quite long.

Bit of backstory.. been with DP for 2.5 years and we have a beautiful (surprise) DS who will be 1 on Monday. DP has a ton of emotional baggage from childhood to his twenties which is honestly horrific and I would never wish anyone to go through what he's been through. He's had some help in the past, maybe 10 years ago and 6 CBT sessions recently but I don't think it was enough. He doesn't get on with my parents, they have done a few things to make him feel like they aren't welcoming him into the family, but he hasn't helped the situation either.

What's happened to him has left him with a temper like I've never seen before (but his dad is exactly the same so I don't know what's the bigger influence). It doesn't matter what has offended him, it might be nothing to do with me but when he has one of these episodes he will shout and insult me and my family for up to 6 hours, usually in the evening. Take my phone away, call me horrific things (pathetic, cunt, fucking bitch) tell me he would happily punch my dad, order me to tell my family they will have no access to DS, cut me off from my best friend he doesn't like, the list goes on. It upsets me so much I can't stop crying but that makes it worse. I've had PND, and he dragged me down further when DS was about 3 months old. Accused me of cheating when I was heavily pregnant, wouldn't show any affection for weeks, acted like he hated me and wouldn't ever let me tell him how it made me feel. He nearly broke me and the things he would say I could never imagine saying to someone I loved. I felt so alone and he said he felt no remorse. Even now when he's stressed he won't deal with it well, withhold affection, talk at me about what I'm not doing to help myself in a horrible tone. Telling me it's my fault because I need to let go of the things he does. I can't though because I can't understand why he does it if he loves me. I feel like he doesn't respect me.

He's a brilliant dad but will often get out of doing mealtimes and bedtime. Then when he's angry will tell me I need to go and leave him with HIS son, he could do a better job at home than I'm doing, DS gets fussy because I give him too much attention, he's the easiest kid in the world but I still moan about how hard it is (yes, I find being a mum hard, shocker). I appreciate everything he does but he tells me he has to suffer going to work every day while I 'sit on the sofa wondering what to wear everyday'. I do 99% of everything for our son and 100% food shopping and cooking, most of the cleaning. I pay what I can towards bills.

Anyway I feel so confused as to what I right and wrong now. Friends tell me he's manipulating me and emotionally abusive. He ties me up in my own head during arguments so I don't even know how to respond to him or end up feeling like I'm in the wrong. He uses his age (he's 37, I'm 25) against me all the time. His knowledge of people, relationships, right and wrong supersedes mine and I need to show him more respect.

It's not like this all the time and when we're good we're great. But this happens when he's stressed and I tell him I'm here for him and I love him and if he wants to talk through problems I'm listening but I won't accept it escalating to that degree. He thinks it's normal and all couples argue (I know this but isn't this OTT and NOT normal?) and I'm overreacting. When he does listen to me he tells me he can't help it. I told him a few weeks ago I would leave him if it happened again and it has. I'm still here so I know he knows he'll get away with it.

I don't know what to do or what to think anymore. I don't know what is normal anymore? Surely even if you're stressed this is not acceptable behaviour?

He'll hit you before the year is out.

What's so sad is is his tour thread us following the pattern of so many others on the relationships board.

The OP will say their partner is a good husband/father apart from...

Then there will be the realisation that what they are posting about was the start of abuse, it's the culmination of it and that they've unwittingly been abused for years but not noticed it gradually ramping up because they've made excuses and minimised it for years.

In your case though OP, there is no doubt you're in a seriously abusive relationship.

If you are trying to convince yourself now that he can change, you'd also need to wake up to the fact that for him to decide to be different, this meant he chose to be abusive in the past.

He is not a good dad or partner. Raging at you for up to 6 hours? You have a chance to get this logged and get out to protect yourself and your child. How do you think he will handle the terrible twos or a lippy 10 year old?

Is your family supportive?

Elspeth...I think it will happen before the month is out, tbh

Op has shown her hand. He will escalate now.

Please just get your baby out of there. He's involved your baby in his abuse, he kept you apart and he'd do it again

Having left a dangerous and abusive man I can promise you one thing: leaving is much easier if you don't give them the chance to stop you. He can and will stop you if you allow him to, and if your son is there, his job to stop you is much much easier

Yeah probably. Jesus. How do these men get women?

Oh yeah, the tragic sob story about his childhood, I forgot.

Yes, I was reeled in with a sob story. I wanted to help him, more fool me.
I've been on MN for 7 years now, and I've had so much wonderful advice, directly and indirectly, from many posters. One of them still stands out because she has the same user name, and her advice is still gold. Bluntly delivered gold. If I'd have posted about my ex in the early days, I know she would have told me to leave him. If I'd have posted in the months before leaving she'd have urged me to leave sooner and not look back, and my life would have been better. Listen to @AnyFucker

Absolutely call his bluff.
Leave him alone with his own poison.
There are no excuses.

Oh op please leave this man
He's really not good for you or your child
Please go to women's aid
Your future self and you dc will thank you

As I sit hear in tears that my 'angry' h has lost his temper and shouted horribly at our already vunerable 16 DD and pushed her, i wish I'd left when my dcs were little. The signs were there and I thought I'd protect them. I thought i had, but it was so screwed up. He never admids he's wrong. I tread on eggshells.
YOU MUST LEAVE. Angry men can only change if they have alot of therapy and admit their issues. It's no life for you or your lo.

OP, I am also 25 and in a similar situation. I wouldn't say exactly the same but close.
We will get out but when the time is right. It's all good and well saying get out now but i think that is easier said than done!
As much as we both know it's the right thing! Keep strong. Make sure you and your little one are safe. I've done an emergency bag for me and lo and hidden it incase I need to get out quick. Maybe you should to the same for yourself and your son! X

iwishidleft leave now. He assaulted your daughter. Your vulnerable daughter. He wont change. You know that. Leave.

Quite, agreed abusive behaviour is complex and certainly an abusive childhood can be a significant cause.My stbxh had a physically and emotionally abusive upbringing.He was able to refrain from physical abuse because of damage to his reputation and he knew I wouod report it.The emotional abuse only started once there was a power imbalance which suggests he had control until he no longer wanted to control himself..then he replicated his childhood abuse on me.

Im planning to leave. He knows that and is having therapy to deal with his often voilent childhood. That therapy is bring back memories that are making him worse.
But we are going to couples therapy to help do it without harming our DDs further . X

He pushed her TONIGHT. You nust said he is getting worse. How is staying with someone who Pushed your daughter tonight and is getting worse less harm than getting her the fuck away from him?! You are not staying for her benefit at all. BecAuse it is of No benefit to her. It is harmful to her for you to stay.

iwish it really isn't recommended that you do joint therapy with an abuser

He has escalated recently to directly physically abusing your daughter

This "therapy" isn't working. It is reinforcing his entitlement to hurt all of you.

The only thing you can do to really help your daughter now is to leave

It's never too late to do that

I can understand how therapy brings memories to the surface before it gives the tools to cope with them.

However, as a responsible parent, if my therapy had made me a danger to my child I'd put my child first, above the wishes of us as parents.

OP leave him. Protect yourself and your child. I left an identical abuser 19 years ago. Social services insisted he have access to children. My DD aged 20 is in a psychiatric ward with complex problems caused by PTSD at the hands of her father. She is suicidal and self harms. My son has been in anger management over his father's treatment and he never even lived with him.

Get the f* away from that abuser if not for yourself do it for your child.

If I knew back then what I knew now I would have left the country.

If you are not prepared to protect yourself protect your child. Harsh I know but supporting a suicidal 20 year old is worse. Take it from me.

@Iwishidleft there is lots of evidence that couples therapy when one partner is abusive actually raises the risk of further abuse. Your daughter is vulnerable and she has been assaulted. What more will it take for you to protect her?

How are you OP?