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Original poster

Serious issue, new BF poss sexual harassment?

71 replies

FeatheryFish · 10/05/2017 13:36

This is a really tricky horrible situation... and difficult to give any more details without outing.

New BF of two months. All seemed to be going rather well. He's an academic and initially he had told me he was on sabbatical doing research for a book.

But as we've spoken about his work the details have become strangely sketchy. It's not clear when he started his 'sabbatical' and it seems an abnormally long one (18 months so far and not due back until next year). I'm not an academic so I wouldn't know if this is normal or not.

Then the other day he said he had 'left'and was talking about finding a new job next year overseas. Which was odd, as before he'd said he was going back to his previous place of employment. When I asked more about this he changed the subject. I felt he was being evasive.

So I decided to do some research. Google and Twitter have brought up some alarming details of sexual harassment cases at his former place of work over a long period of time and (worryingly) in his department.

The timing of various investigations fits with when he left / went on sabbatical. Also the articles I've found mention confidentiality agreements signed by staff and students.

I feel very worried about accusing him of being involved with something this serious, based on just this info. I generally tend to worry and overthink things.

The institution is unlikely to tell me anything and how on earth would I ask?!

His behaviour towards me is kind, but our sexual relationship did happen very quickly. It's completely consensual, and so I'm finding it hard to imagine him harassing anyone.

Unsure how to proceed.

OP posts:
CheersMedea · 10/05/2017 13:41

The only thing you can do is ask him directly and this is really the right and fair thing to do.

Tell him you need to talk to him, sit him down somewhere private and say you googled him and found this stuff. Then stop talking and see what he says.

Original poster
FeatheryFish · 10/05/2017 13:43

No articles or tweets mention his name, just references to staff in his department being investigated.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeatheryFish · 10/05/2017 13:46

Also I'm embarrassed I've 'researched' him. If this is nothing and Im barking up the wrong tree it's a dreadful thing to be accusing him of :(

OP posts:
Funnyfarmer · 10/05/2017 13:47

I would just say. "Was talked to friend today. She told me about about a case she read about sexual harassment at your place." What was all that about?
He could not necessarily be the perpetrator. He could be the victim and not want to talk about it. Either way you have to find out

Goldfishjane · 10/05/2017 13:49

Ask him
I think it's natural to google someone you date. ( that sounds rude!)

Original poster
FeatheryFish · 10/05/2017 13:51

Yes I'm wondering if it's something else to do with it: whistleblowing, not reporting because of possible career implications or something else, rather than actually being directly involved in any harassment or abuse.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 10/05/2017 13:51

Good suggestion from Funnyfarm

Original poster
FeatheryFish · 10/05/2017 13:52

If I google HIM, there's loads of references to his work prior to his departure and nothing since. He's truly tucked himself away for the last year and a half.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeatheryFish · 10/05/2017 13:52

Yes Funny 👍 Ta

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 10/05/2017 13:56

You have to ask him.

Your other option is to end it, but that could be a bit unfair.

You can't just carry on.

Goldfishjane · 10/05/2017 13:59

You could say you were curious about his workplace? I work at a big name so I'm used to be asked about it and I'm sure some people google to see what it's like here.

Original poster
FeatheryFish · 10/05/2017 14:00

Blackteas - exactly - that's where I'm at...

I have a teenager daughter to consider too.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeatheryFish · 10/05/2017 14:02

Google brought up several articles in major newspapers this year. So it's possible a 'friend' could have seen these and mention it to me.

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CheersMedea · 10/05/2017 14:13

I would just say. "Was talked to friend today. She told me about about a case she read about sexual harassment at your place." What was all that about?

FFS. Do NOT do this. Why lie? What if he says "which friend? what did she say?". It is utterly, utterly pathetic to introduce lies into a relationship which are unnecessary.

You are setting yourself up for a lot of trouble here. Plus if there is nothing in it, and you start flannelling about who it was you will damage his trust in you. You will also make him paranoid about which "friend" of yours saw fit to search for this and is chatting to you about him behind his back.

As someone else said, it is perfectly normal (and safety conscious actually) to google new acquaintances/dates.

If you REALLY don't want to say you found it by googling, go for a non-committal "I saw this online" (not identifying how you found it) and if he asks how, just brush it off (I'll tell you later/it's not important right now) moving straight to him and what he says. BUT my strong advice is be truthful and tell him how you found it.

The main thing is not to accuse him of anything at all. Keep it factual.

cauliflowercheese14 · 10/05/2017 14:16

Sabbaticals usually last a semester so 18 months is very unusual.

Original poster
FeatheryFish · 10/05/2017 14:19

Sensible advice Cheers

Though my bottom line here is that I'd rather protect myself and possibly my daughter if there's ANY doubt here.

It's a new relationship. I like him, but I don't really KNOW him yet.

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Original poster
FeatheryFish · 10/05/2017 14:20

Yes Cauliflower - by the time he's finished it will be 3 years!

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CheersMedea · 10/05/2017 14:28

Though my bottom line here is that I'd rather protect myself and possibly my daughter if there's ANY doubt here.

Yes this is exactly why you have to ask him directly.

The issue is was he involved in sexual harassment; it is not whether you googled it, your friend googled it or the fairies told you.

How you found out isn't actually material and it won't make any difference. Think about it logically. Assuming he's a sexual harasser and you end it, he isn't going to be MORE likely to sexually harass you because you looked yourself than if your friend told you. It's non-sensical.

Be straight. It's potentially serious and he deserves you being direct and honest. It may be unconnected with him (innocent til proven guilty) but it may not be.

Imagine the situation was reversed. How would you expect to be treated?

CheersMedea · 10/05/2017 14:29

Sabbaticals usually last a semester so 18 months is very unusual.

I know people (not academia) take 12 month sabbaticals - a year is common I think - but I agree 18 months is odd.

Original poster
FeatheryFish · 10/05/2017 14:31

So 3 years is very very odd...

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Original poster
FeatheryFish · 10/05/2017 14:41

OK so, being entirely practical here. We live quite far apart and I usually visit him in his flat. So having this difficult convo will require some planning.

I'm thinking meeting up somewhere neutral may be better? Then if it's the worst news I can just go home.

OP posts:
CheersMedea · 10/05/2017 15:17

Also the articles I've found mention confidentiality agreements signed by staff and students.

One other thing in the light of the above, depending on what he says (if he denies all knowledge or says he doesn't want to talk about it), it maybe worth asking him in terms "Were you required to sign a confidentiality agreement? Is that you can't talk about it?"

because that answer may tell you all you need to know. But as I said - that should be a long stop/last resort if he doesn't engage at all.

Bluntness100 · 10/05/2017 15:23

Even I know a three year sabbatical is unusual. And finding another job overseas could indicate he is unlikely to fin work in this country and it could be he is involved in this.

Ask him. Tell him you were bored and googled and are curious about what you saw. Explain to him as it's a new relarionship and have a child you have to be cautious so he should understand your questions. Could he explain to you why he has taken such a long sabbatical and what the cases you saw were about. If he's innocent he will answer. If he's not he will either bullshit you or get angry and evasive.

SirVixofVixHall · 10/05/2017 15:32

I would try and research a bit more before you ask him, as there is no guarantee that he will tell you the truth, if he was the person involved.

ParisGellar · 10/05/2017 15:32

I might just say I was googling his workplace out of curiosity about it and these headlines came up.