Serious issue, new BF poss sexual harassment?

[FeatheryFish]

This is a really tricky horrible situation... and difficult to give any more details without outing.

New BF of two months. All seemed to be going rather well. He's an academic and initially he had told me he was on sabbatical doing research for a book.

But as we've spoken about his work the details have become strangely sketchy. It's not clear when he started his 'sabbatical' and it seems an abnormally long one (18 months so far and not due back until next year). I'm not an academic so I wouldn't know if this is normal or not.

Then the other day he said he had 'left'and was talking about finding a new job next year overseas. Which was odd, as before he'd said he was going back to his previous place of employment. When I asked more about this he changed the subject. I felt he was being evasive.

So I decided to do some research. Google and Twitter have brought up some alarming details of sexual harassment cases at his former place of work over a long period of time and (worryingly) in his department.

The timing of various investigations fits with when he left / went on sabbatical. Also the articles I've found mention confidentiality agreements signed by staff and students.

I feel very worried about accusing him of being involved with something this serious, based on just this info. I generally tend to worry and overthink things.

The institution is unlikely to tell me anything and how on earth would I ask?!

His behaviour towards me is kind, but our sexual relationship did happen very quickly. It's completely consensual, and so I'm finding it hard to imagine him harassing anyone.

Unsure how to proceed.

C0RAL - can you define tenure? He was in post over 10 years and fairly senior.

If he is living on savings then he is not on sabbatical. You are paid your normal salary on sabbatical. He is either on unpaid leave (pending an investigation) or he has left the university.

Yes. I'm guessing here that an investigation took time and he was probably paid while that was happening. And now he's left. But I could be wrong.

I know this sounds like clutching at straws but what does your gut instinct say?

I've been out with men not necessarily like your new BF but stuff they've said, done etc has triggered my spidey senses. One of them I didn't sleep with him as I was "holding him at arms length" (should've ditched him. He'd told me a story that was an obvious lie though (but had dressed it up as truth).

Also. It's worth remembering how much the media blow things out of proportion. It could be something and nothing. Really not making light of sexual harassment. But the truth might be a whole other story.

I've sort of given up on my gut tbh. My ex cheated on me for years, so I'm inclined to trust nobody and a chronic overthinker.

Op. I mean this gently, haven't you just caught him out in a lie? If he is living off savings and has a lodger into help, he is not on sabbatical as that is paid.

The man in unemployed. My gut would be if he was innocent he would explain he left and was working on his book. The fact he's lied , probably to save face, would indicate to me he was fired.

He says the book is important, that's the thing. His emphasis is on that. And he appears to be spending every waking hour on it. His story is that he stopped lecturing to research and write it.

I'm sorry, that's not very plausible. Academics have to juggle writing and research along with teaching, that's the nature of the job. You don't quit your university post to write a book. You publish to get and keep your university job.

Does he have a contract and therefore a deadline for his book ?

And as PP said, sabbaticals are paid. So you have already caught him out in a significant lie i.e. He says he's emplyed by the university but on sabbatical when in fact he's on unemployed and seeme to have no plans to find a job ( as he's writing his book ) .

That's not good. I'm afraid I wouldn't be trusting him either.

I'm wondering if the scandal was a bit of a red herring. It might be that he was a research assistant on a project headed up by this other man. And when that person was fired, the project folded. So he wasn't actually involved in anything improper, he just lost his job. And now he's lying about it because being a university academic is better for picking up intelligent women than being unemployed.

Do you have any proof that he ever worked there?

Googling a new boyfriend is really normal, for your own safety (now that so many dates are from OLD with total strangers!) and frankly just out of curiosity. It's not an odd thing to do.

So there's no reason you can't just say "googled you - bloody hell, saw the shitstorm at your place last year - what was that like?" Then just keep quiet and see what he says. You may find he tells you things which are contradictory.

If you have doubts about him why don't you dump him. I think it will save yourself a whole lot of grief in the future

And as PP said, sabbaticals are paid.

In plenty of places they aren't paid.

What you get is permission for "a gap year" or " a gap 6 months" with a guaranteed job to return to. I know people who during their sabbatical have gone to work abroad!!! Being paid while you are working somewhere else - I don't think so.

Be honest with him and see what he says.

C0RAL
He's pretty senior himself and was lecturing all over the world until a couple of years ago. He appears on 5 pages of Google in his own right. Several publications already. Can't say more here.

Yes he has a publishing deal and a deadline.

Muskey

I like him and this may not be as bad as it looks.

I have loads of proof he worked there.

Some of your recent posts are more reassuring.

I'd casually say the kind of thing Ellisandra suggested, rather than sitting him down for a deep and meaningful over it. It's better for picking up his reaction to you asking.

I'm confused at why someone who is successful in their academic career would have just left a university without having another lined up.

Have you met his friends and family? I'd be pushing for that in your situation. That might help give you more of an instinct about what's going on here; you can tell quite a bit about someone from the company they keep.

What a difficult place you are in OP.

Be straight forward and tell him what you've read. With a confidentiality agreement he obviously cannot reveal details but hopefully enough of the story to give you what you need. He may well have been sickened by what did transpire, especially if his boss was the perpetrator. That could be enough to have sabbatical granted, and then not to go back. Could be totally innocent.

I do hope that is the case.

I know people who during their sabbatical have gone to work abroad!!! Being paid while you are working somewhere else - I don't think so

Well I don't know about the UK, but here in Mexico, people usually do work their sabbatical year somewhere else and get paid by their university at the same time.

Having the benefit of the doubt about the allegations from the newspapers is one thing - there is more than reasonable doubt about if he had any involvement.

BUT - there is no doubt about him lying/misleading OP. It may be that there are a load of extenuating circumstances, but he is contradicting himself and not making sense.