Found out two colleagues are having an affair. What would you do?

[Selena88]

Husband and wife both work for the same company (on the same site but in different offices). Husband is having affair with another colleague on a different site. OW is not known to the wife.

What would you do in the circumstances?

1. Ignore it and pretend you don't know?
2. Tell the husband you know?
3. Tell the wife you know?

For background, husband has form for cheating, once previously almost having an affair with a colleague but wife found out and put a stop to it. Full blown affair with at least one other person outside of work.

I want to stay out of this, can't see any good coming from telling anyone (professionally or personally) but another colleague who knows about this wants to clue the wife in. In an ideal world I'd maybe tell the husband I knew, but in the circumstances don't see how this could work.

littlemiss
My thoughts exactly

Can't quite believe you have asked what you should do about something that is absolutely NONE of your business and how sanctimonious you are to even think it is.

I've got some advice. Get on with your job and stop looking for places to stick your sticky beak There, easy

Why is it only when someone is being cheated on does the desire to help them attract such judgment?

I can't imagine someone asking for advice on what to do if they found out someone else was being physically abused say, would be met with 'none of your business', 'not your circus', 'you are being sanctimonious' etc.

Some employers have specific policies about staff dating, like having to disclose a relationship or whatever. It's in some contracts. I would think most employers could find a way to cause some argy over it if they wanted to.

So I'd still stay well out of it.

Honestly really shocked at the amount of people saying the opposite

I guess some people just dont want to have any problems at work. A pissed off colleague can, depending on their position and status, cause all manner of issues for someone like OP and their colleague who may just want to do the right thing morally.

Workplace conflict and bad atmosphere can be terrible as it is. Throw in an employee who wants revenge because they have been grassed up for an affair and the workplace becomes unbearable.

Its the same reason why some people tend to think twice about reporting any sort of perceived wrong-doing in the workplace. Its all very well saying "put a grievance in" but thats easier said than done.

Urgh. If you know the wife "reasonably well", and you know the husband, then I think I would struggle with Ignore as a tactic.

I mean, it's work, and you probably should ignore it, and refuse to be drawn into any discussion/gossip around it for your own personal professional life.

But it is still a shitty thing for the wife, and on a human level I think she should know. It's bad enough in normal circumstances, but they both work for the same company, and she's already been humiliated by her husband once (if you know/other colleagues know about previous affair).

I would consider checking company policy to see if there's anything about staff having personal relationships with each other, and letting HR know if it was causing issues . . . but it doesn't sound like it is causing issues at work in and of itself, just that it is uncomfortable knowledge.

I might well want to know, if I didn't already. If I had realised, but for whatever reason was keeping schtum and staying put, I might not be that happy to have it pointed out to me. This is the problem: there's an element of second guessing here.

If OP knew she would be helping and doing something positive by pointing it out, this would be a bit more straightforward than it is- though would still carry some potential repercussions for her, let's be honest. And the physical abuse analogy doesn't work because adultery isn't illegal.

I'd tell. Simple as that.

Just do it anonymously.. problem solved

In every situation apart from this one I would tell the husband I knew and was going to blow him up if he didn't tell his wife.

In this situation I think you should keep it to yourself because; a. His wife already knows he is not the faithful type and b. Because your work could be badly affected.

Of course I'd tell the wife. And I'd expect to be told if I was the wife.

All these comments saying stay out of it, none if your business etc. If it was a safeguarding concern everyone would agree to report any concerns to be investigated, irrespective of source and actual evidence.

His wife could be just as vulnerable and is living a lie whilst her husband is screwing someone at work and he comes home comparing his wife to his lover, possibly berating her for unknown reasons to her.

Yet, it's public knowledge that this is happening. I find it crazy that so many people wouldn't want to put themselves in her shoes and want to know if it was their husband behaving so appallingly.

I would tell the wife, op. She deserves to know. Why shouldn't she be given the opportunity to leave and be with someone who treats her with respect.

But the wife's an adult, not a vulnerable child. And adultery is legal.

If if were a safeguarding concern-

But, based on the info that the OP has provided, it's not. Your whole argument is based on a hypothetical and therefore irrelevant scenario.

Unless it's impacting the organisation or the ability for anyone to oerform their job properly, or indeed a safeguarding issue, it's unprofessional to stick your nose into colleagues' private lives. It sounds as if these people are nothing but colleagues to the OP, not close friends outside of work, just colleagues.

It's happened before and the wife still stays with him so she might already know! Not worth stirring up trouble for yourself, at work especially, if nothing will change again. I'd keep well out of this situ!

Also, what if you're WRONG? Unless you've seen them fucking you don't know exactly what's going on. Just because people are gossiping doesn't make it true. Stay out of it.

I'd just ignore it. It's got fuck all to do with you - they're colleagues, not friends.

If you told me and you were wrong, I would struggle not to deck you. If you told me and you were right I would be even more embarrassed and humiliated and doubt I would thank you for it. Then I'd deck him.
Unless this affects your work in some way , keep out if it.

But the wife's an adult, not a vulnerable child. And adultery is legal.

That would hold even if you were good friends with the wife, a distinction a lot are making.

Adultery used to be illegal. So it was then your business and your circus etc?

Physical abuse between spouses was also not always illegal. When it wasn't it would not be your circus etc?

If someone is being harmed or potentially might be, the legality of the harm may not be a deal-breaker to whether someone else might want to do something, is what I am saying.

If you told me and you were wrong, I would struggle not to deck you. If you told me and you were right I would be even more embarrassed and humiliated and doubt I would thank you for it. Then I'd deck him.

So you'd prefer it if no-one tells you and so you might never know?

Why shouldn't she be given the opportunity to leave and be with someone who treats her with respect?

She should be.

But not potentially at the expense of the OP's job. All three of the people work at the OP's workplace. This is about the only situation where I wouldn't tell - because the cost to me and my family could be so very high in a shit economy where jobs are not easy to come by.

If my husband cheats on me it is our business not our colleagues. I will find out/ I won't find out. again, our business.
And if a nosey colleague tells me something that is in fact wrong , I would probably report them.
I would hope a friend would tell me but that would be as a friend.
All this stuff about physical abuse and vulnerable adults is just bored posters with fantasies.

\when my ex had an affair the thing that most offended me as a professional was that he contributed significantly to her annual review (affecting promotion, bonus, salary increase etc). She was shit at her job. Colleagues didnt like her, respect her, trust her etc. They didnt know about the relationship so my ex's input as a senior member of the firm was significant. Gross misconduct on both their parts.

So bluntly i would tell HR anonomously. It is not fair to other workers at the firm.

I would hope a friend would tell me but that would be as a friend.

A friend might not tell the wife if they they knew that she thinks:

"If my husband cheats on me it is our business not our colleagues. I will find out/ I won't find out. again, our business."

as she considers it only hers and her husband's business.

All these posters that are stating you would tell a random work colleague who you are not friends with - what if the wife didn't work at the company? If a married colleague was having an affair who you track down the wife to inform her?