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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does this sound like a bad evening or worse?

96 replies

Notquiteyet · 08/05/2017 13:35

I need some perspective on this. To me it is two people who had too much to drink. It is an issue as when I described it to a friend I gave the wrong impression. (I am under no illusion that this whole evening sounds awful).

Having a very difficult time in relationship and attending a party. I was feeling very down. Was chatting to people but not dancing. Partner dancing and getting increasingly angry that i wasnt joining in.

We left and went outside rowed for a bit, him ranting at me for ruining the evening, then somehow we end up having sex. In the bloody hedges with other people nearby. I wasn't forced at all but wasn't happy, he was clearly still angry, a bit rough and I was crying. He noticed and stopped straight away. Shouted, called me "mental" etc. Was really annoyed.

I left, he followed as I was upset and didn't want me to get lost. Country lanes, car coming. He pushed me out of the way into a ditch at the side. Shouted at me to get up. We ended up getting home with me crying most of the way.

Do you find this behaviour abusive? It's in the past but has become relevant in a way that's complicated to explain.

OP posts:

Flyinggeese · 09/05/2017 08:02

Hi OP I was about to post that what Bluntness said is exactly my thoughts too. I couldn't put it better. However given what you've said about counselling and non-healthy sex situations I can see that an incident like this could have more significance.

I'd say that is because of the context of whatever else has happened, not this one night as an isolated thing.

Shayelle · 09/05/2017 08:18

Great comments from AhYerWill

Original poster

Notquiteyet · 09/05/2017 12:11

Actually Bluntness posted a fucking appalling comment about me being abusive and behaving like an animal that night. And when I posted that it was unfounded didn't have the grace to take back such a horrible comment but instead twisted what I said to accusing me of trying to "push" the forum to agree he is abusive.
None of that is helpful except to confirm to me that at least i can spot nasty bullshit when it's posted.

OP posts:

user1471432735 · 09/05/2017 12:37

OP have you posted before under a different UN?

Your writing style and elements of your story are incredibly familiar - and - of you're the poster I'm thinking of.. (and even if you're not)

Yes, it's crappy behaviour. Someone who cares about you wouldn't put you in that position

They also wouldn't turn your response and distress into an excuse to undermine you

Stay away

Ohyesiam · 09/05/2017 13:05

Have not read the thread, but fit someone to become so angry because you wanted to chat, not dance. Very controlling, and obviously looking for a reason to be livid.

The rest sound vile, certainly red flag.

The bottom line is does it make you feel happy, relaxed, loved, secure? That's what I look for in a relationship.

Original poster

Notquiteyet · 09/05/2017 13:14

Yes sorry. NC for privacy rather than changing things. But yes sorry have posted before. Same old same old, trying to work out if things are things are fixable.

OP posts:

nachogazpacho · 09/05/2017 13:19

He's a nasty person. Kind men do not get angry if women don't do what they want. They don't have sex with women whilst they are angry with them. That's all you need to know. Don't focus on the abuse word for now. He's not a good person and he is someone you need to stay away from.

I think people find it hard to believe people are purposefully this nasty, which is why you probably find excuses for him x he tells you excuses and some posters would rather blame you for his behaviour. Once you see him for who he is then you'll free yourself from him and personal blame.

Orangetoffee · 09/05/2017 13:26

That evening sounds a lot worse than bad. It sounds like he wanted to punish you and only stopped the sex because your crying might have alerted the people nearby.

Your friend knows both of you and she is already horrified enough without knowing all the details, please listen to her.

user1471432735 · 09/05/2017 13:39

I thought so

I think that everytime you see this man, and your situation through other people's eyes you are shocked and then immediately rush to minimize because you can't cope with that being real...

You're clinging to a fantasy that doesn't exist and will only make you miserable

He's not worth it

nachogazpacho · 09/05/2017 13:42

I think also you have to remember that when someone had the characteristic that they like other people to do what they want often they appear to be normal and nice. This is because they only need to be nasty when you don't do as they wish. So if things are going their way, they are pleasant. The nastiness level increases with your resistance to their wish.

This is what confuses people who are in relationships with this type of person.

Another thing to understand which I feel is fundamental is that they cannot behave any other way. This is how they think this is how they act. They are unable to be any other way. So every time you don't do what they want you to do or behave in the way they want you to they will use a tactic to make you bend to their will. Be it unkind words or physical threats or sexual threats

nachogazpacho · 09/05/2017 13:43

What I'm saying is he is incapable of having a normal, kind, fair relationship with you

picklemepopcorn · 09/05/2017 14:07

What nacho gazpacho said.

He will carry on like this whenever you are not being a stepford wife. The thing is you shouldn't have to be a stepford wife. He is married to you, a living breathing woman, not a sexdoll/housekeeper/paid companion.

At the moment, you think it might be because you are not good enough at being a sexdoll/housekeeper/paid companion. But why should you be? You don't have to be!

You are a person, a mum, a sister, a daughter, a friend. You are so much more than he is trying to make you.

Please, let him stay gone.

Ohyesiam · 09/05/2017 16:17

Just read some more. Op, there is nothing to suggest that you did anything wrong that night, let alone were a twat, or any of th other insults posters have been nastily throwing around. Nothing so enjoyable as kicking someone when they are down.....

Are you happy? Let your kids see you choosing happiness.

Flyinggeese · 09/05/2017 17:41

OP I can see you're very tortured about this but taking that one incident you describe I'm sorry I can take it back I agree with Bluntness. Of course if there are other factors and it sounds like there are then they may change things. I'm being honest. It just sounds like two drunk people behaving badly.

I don't know of any other threads so can't take those into account. I'm really sorry and hope you work things out.

Flyinggeese · 09/05/2017 17:43

OK there's clearly much more to this than that one night.

Original poster

Notquiteyet · 09/05/2017 21:54

Is it the joining in sex when i didn't really want to - then crying - that was me being abusive? I can see how that could be messing around with his feelings.

OP posts:

Flyinggeese · 09/05/2017 23:13

OP Bluntness did not call you abusive. I don't think you are either. Not sure who your last post was to. I'm sorry you're having such a bad time.

picklemepopcorn · 10/05/2017 06:26

OP, you weren't abusive. The poster who said that took it back. Some people said you both shouldn't drink, behaved badly and are bad for each other.

Everyone else said he was abusive. He picked a fight, raped you, pushed you over.

You seem to want to hear the posters who tell you you're as bad as him. This isn't your fault.

picklemepopcorn · 10/05/2017 06:27

At least you recognised bluntness's comment was appalling!

Original poster

Notquiteyet · 10/05/2017 10:23

I can see how my posts seem disingenuous on this thread.

I wanted to try post objectively but without minimising. Wasn't expecting to feel as I did to the responses at either end of the spectrum.

I'm not in a place where I am making excuses but I'm trying to get away from seeing abuse everywhere as well.

I think that I didn't do things out of fear, more to please - which created a very confusing dynamic in our relationship that is difficult to untangle from times where lines were blurred.

I'll get there.

OP posts:

Naicehamshop · 10/05/2017 22:52

You have been given a hard time on here by certain posters who are totally lacking in empathy and understanding imo. Ignore them.

Good luck to you - you deserve a lot better than this awful man.

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