Does this sound like a bad evening or worse?

[Notquiteyet]

I need some perspective on this. To me it is two people who had too much to drink. It is an issue as when I described it to a friend I gave the wrong impression. (I am under no illusion that this whole evening sounds awful).

Having a very difficult time in relationship and attending a party. I was feeling very down. Was chatting to people but not dancing. Partner dancing and getting increasingly angry that i wasnt joining in.

We left and went outside rowed for a bit, him ranting at me for ruining the evening, then somehow we end up having sex. In the bloody hedges with other people nearby. I wasn't forced at all but wasn't happy, he was clearly still angry, a bit rough and I was crying. He noticed and stopped straight away. Shouted, called me "mental" etc. Was really annoyed.

I left, he followed as I was upset and didn't want me to get lost. Country lanes, car coming. He pushed me out of the way into a ditch at the side. Shouted at me to get up. We ended up getting home with me crying most of the way.

Do you find this behaviour abusive? It's in the past but has become relevant in a way that's complicated to explain.

It sounds miserable and horrible.

I wouldn't necessarily say he is abusive based on this description alone but I would say he was angry and rough that night. You both were drunk. If this is anything other than a one-off where he wakes up the next morning and said "oh my god what were we like last night, I'm so sorry" then, I think you need to realise that this is a very unhealthy relationship for you.

You don't have to label someone abusive to decide you deserve better.

It sounds like a bloody awful drunken night, but as a one-off it doesn't scream abuse to me. Neither of you cover yourselves in glory really.

I don't consider it internet bullying. That's my whole point. If it's a one off incident that's potentially excusable. It's not kind, not nice, and not desirable but hardly internet bullying.

If it happened all the time, with you constantly telling me how glad you are not to be living in my world or similar, then yes, at that point it could be considered bullying.

(I did say 'Should I consider it internet bullying ?' not 'This is internet bullying.)

'I wasn't forced at all but wasn't happy, he was clearly still angry, a bit rough and I was crying. He noticed and stopped straight away. Shouted, called me "mental" etc. Was really annoyed.'

I'm confused by this - you say you weren't forced, but you weren't happy. Did you actually want to have sex? Or did he just go ahead and have sex with you? He was rough and hurt you, then shouted at you and called you mental. To me, that sounds like totally abusive, nasty behaviour.

I understand what you are saying, Zesty but I think it's a dangerous approach (as regards the op's situation, not internet bullying).

Everyone makes mistakes, but rough sex (when not agreed to by both people) shouting and verbal abuse are definitely abusive and dangerous. How many times does it have to happen before it stops being "not desirable" and starts being serious and frightening? It's interesting that often when women post on here detailing years of behaviour like this, they get criticised for putting up with it for so long. The op has talked about a night absolutely full of red flags as far as her dh's behaviour is concerned and she gets told it sounds like a one off, and that she was also abusive! (I'm not referring to your comments here, Zesty)

No one on here should be minimising this sort of thing. It could lead to the op being very badly injured.

And yes, op - pushing you over was definitely abusive.

It's not normal for a man to suddenly start having sex with his girlfriend when he's angry with her.

You say it wasn't forced, but it sounds psychologically forced if not physically forced. He was shagging you roughly to punish you. He intended to cause you pain.

It doesn't matter that he stopped when he realised you were crying. He still punished you by calling you mental.

He is massively physically and mentally abusive. Have a think about that. Next time it really could be rape.

I would find it very hard to support a friend reconciling with a man who treated her like that. I would also find it very hard to forget that story, and even harder to pretend everything was fine when I saw them together as a couple subsequently.

HeyRoly - exactly.

I think the pushing you over WAS physically aggressive. I think he deliberately used the cover of 'saving' you to assault you. He could have pulled you by the arm or just shouted 'look out!' If you were really in danger of being hit by a car. Where was he standing that he wasn't in danger if you were, anyway?

zesty this is not a normal argument of any kind, alcohol or no. It's part of a pattern of abuse and control, exacerbated in this specific context by drink.

I think the 'sex' you're not into, is much more concerning than anything else you've mentioned. Has he ever done this before?

You say you were 'by no means forced' I'm thinking that might not be absolutely true.

Actually when I read it I also wasn't sure if you were asking if you were abusvie or it was him.

It sounds like a dysfunctional relationship where both parties behave badly,

Sometimes people fight, they have arguments, they behave like animals as the pair of uou did, doesn't mean either party is abusive as such.

Controlling - Who does that? Get upset at you for feeling upset. You want someone who can do empathy, which is not this person. Don't drag it out, create more drama, walk away if you can.

Did you (sort of reluctantly) agree to have sex in public, in the bushes, in hope that it would stop the argument?

I realise this is all very hard to hear. I don't want to get at you, but this relationship is volatile and dangerous (or, rather, HE is volatile and dangerous).

I wouldn't say it's abuse. It's so easily thrown around on here it's scary.

I wouldn't say he's worse than you

I'd say you're both as bad as each other and need to lay off the alcohol

You consented to sex and he stopped when he realised you were crying. I don't think he can be blamed for coercing you into sex at all. Jesus, he may have acted like a dick (so did you) but let's not tell the OP he forced himself on her shall we?
She said yes to sex and he stopped when he saw her crying. He did nothing wrong!

You both sound like a pair of drunken twats if I'm totally honest.
Not once have my OH and I got drunk we start arguing, then shag in a bush then storm Home crying and almost getting run over

This is not normal or healthy behaviour.

Not even for drunk people.

Most people don't act like this no matter how drunk they are.

It sounds like seriously unhealthy relationship.

Your relationship sounds incredibly unhealthy. I don't think the pair of you are right for each other or perhaps your just shouldn't drink together. You both sound a mess.

For the record, we do not have lots of alcohol fuelled rows but i think the alcohol was relevant that night because it blurs things. I have had wine exactly twice this year.

This is of course a snapshot, but it's one of the few occasions my friend knows about which is why I posted about it.

I cannot believe I describe crappy humiliating sex and get called an animal or drunken twat.

Thank God I have never told anyone about that night. Its one of the many confusing a things that happened. Its not a recent event, came up recently. My friend knows little about the sex, I couldn't tell her so ended up focusing on the pushing/shouting.

I know I'm going to sound defensive but I don't know what I did so wrong to get called a "twat".
I stumbled off in tears confused by what the evening had turned into.

I'm not changing my story, I didn't stop the sex, I thought it was better than his anger. Of course I was mortified. It was horrible. I was confused by it but thought maybe he was sorry for being horrible. It was when I realised he was still angry I got upset.

I am not sure posting was helpful. I'm slightly bewildered by being called abusive. At least I know things are not clear cut.

Ignore the posters who are berating you and not your boyfriend, OP. I see I was on the money when I suggested you let him have sex with you in the hope he'd stop being angry.

You don't need to put up with this. As glob as it sounds, you need to LTB.

*glib

He not you, is an abusive twat and you are better off without him. Ignore some of the nasty comments on here, that is their issue , not yours. It all sounds awful and I feel really bad for you.

I think your relationship is very unhealthy. Neither of you sound particularly happy.
Your (both of you) behaviour when drunk is shocking.
I don't believe he was abusive when he pushed you out the way. You don't think clearly when you're pissed, he simply got you out if the way of danger.
Are you both actually happy? How about when you're not drinking?
Do you have the same kind of arguments?

Being honest HeyRoly, i don't want to pretend it was that thought-out. It was just suddenly happening and I didn't know what was going on at first. I did try to say that people might see us. Maybe posters are right. I could have stopped it if I hadn't been drinking.

If you really think this isn't that bad, your internal calibration of what is OK has sustained an awful lot of damage.

This

In the end who cares what label you attach to this dysfunctional train wreck of an entanglement, it sounds miserable. What is the foundation for even contemplating a reconciliation, other than you've been together a long time and you have kids? I'm sure it took a lot to get off the merry go round don't let nostalgia suck you back in, especially if there are children involved. Children can deal with change, its uncertainty that messes them up and there's nothing like the on and off again relationship of their parents to mess with them big time.

Erm... I really can't see that you did anything at all to warrant suggestions that you are abusive. He, on the other hand, sounds quite textbook. Without a doubt, his behavior that night was abusive.

It is common for abused to minimise what has happened, make excuses for their partner, and also to be very confused about what happened/is happening, and to doubt their own judgement about what is and what isn't ok. It appears that you are starting to realise his behavior is/was not ok, and you are seeking reassurance and clarification. Good on you.

It frustrates me massively that with abuse as common, and hidden, as it currently is, that the general public don't seem to recognise it. I believe the current figure is 1 in 4 relationships. And not forgetting the two women who are killed each week by current or former partners. We all need to know more about this so we can recognise it.

You deserve to be treated with love, care and respect, and clearly this isn't happening. I think you should have a chat with women's aid. They won't mind clarifying your position here, and they certainly won't judge you.