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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does this sound like a bad evening or worse?

96 replies

Notquiteyet · 08/05/2017 13:35

I need some perspective on this. To me it is two people who had too much to drink. It is an issue as when I described it to a friend I gave the wrong impression. (I am under no illusion that this whole evening sounds awful).

Having a very difficult time in relationship and attending a party. I was feeling very down. Was chatting to people but not dancing. Partner dancing and getting increasingly angry that i wasnt joining in.

We left and went outside rowed for a bit, him ranting at me for ruining the evening, then somehow we end up having sex. In the bloody hedges with other people nearby. I wasn't forced at all but wasn't happy, he was clearly still angry, a bit rough and I was crying. He noticed and stopped straight away. Shouted, called me "mental" etc. Was really annoyed.

I left, he followed as I was upset and didn't want me to get lost. Country lanes, car coming. He pushed me out of the way into a ditch at the side. Shouted at me to get up. We ended up getting home with me crying most of the way.

Do you find this behaviour abusive? It's in the past but has become relevant in a way that's complicated to explain.

OP posts:
lem0n · 08/05/2017 17:58

And do not blame yourself. Alcohol or not, he is responsible for his actions; not you. Ever.

SnickersWasAHorse · 08/05/2017 18:00

I wasn't forced at all but wasn't happy, he was clearly still angry, a bit rough and I was crying.

So he was having rough sex, in a non private place with a partner that he was angry with who was crying and didn't really want it.
That is horrid and disgusting. I would be very seriously thinking of leaving. I don't know if I could be with someone who thought so little of me.

QuiteLikely5 · 08/05/2017 18:11

Lots of factors affect this:

How long have you been together?
Has he got form for this type of anger?
Does he drink much?
Is he always like this in drink?
Did he abuse his previous partner?

Fact is: you were are a willing participant in the sex until you felt he was angry and so that set you off crying - at which point he stopped.

Bluntness100 · 08/05/2017 18:53

Op, what do you want here? You say you are thinking of reconciling with this man, but very clearly wish the forum to tell you he is deeply abusive. Only uou know if he is, and clearly you think he is and wish others to agree, so why are you thinking of reconciling? It doesn't make sense.

If you did not wish to have sex and he coerced you into doing so in public against your wishes, and them was rough, he then pushed uou over not to get you drunkenly out thr way but to assault you, if he got angry and started shouting at you and abusing uou because uou were crying, then clearly he was abusive.

Bluntness100 · 08/05/2017 18:57

It is common for abused to minimise what has happened, make excuses for their partner

It is, but this is not the case here, she is doing the opposite. For someone who wishes to reconcile this pushing the forum to understand just how bad this man is and how abusively he behaved is very unusual indeed. Normally people do make excuses, but this isn't happening on this thread.

HeyRoly · 08/05/2017 19:23

Fact is: you were are a willing participant in the sex until you felt he was angry and so that set you off crying - at which point he stopped.

Read the OP's posts again. She only let him have sex with her because she hoped that would make him less angry. She was coerced. And I suspect she was crying because it was a humiliating and unpleasant experience. She wasn't crying because she realised he was still angry - he'd never stopped being angry.

Original poster
Notquiteyet · 08/05/2017 19:29

I was not in doubt that his behaviour was shit that night. I suppose there is a line in terms of problems you can work on and things which are beyond that. I guess I was surprised that my friend thought his behaviour way past that line to the extent that she spoke seriously about safe guarding concerns re DC if I returned.

I admit to confusing things because i ended up having to think about a very unpleasant night that left me feeling bad for days that hasnt really been a major factor before.

I'm not hell-bent on hearing mn declare he's abusive. I was after balanced views. But I find being told I behaved like an animal or drunken twat completely unwarranted.

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 08/05/2017 19:59

Gosh OP, I don't know what to say. You did nothing wrong. You had been drinking. He was bad tempered because you didn't dance and he picked a fight with you. He was shouty and angry and got physical, and you found yourself having sex, in public, which you didn't want to do. You got even more upset. He stopped (doesn't make him a hero, or less of a rapist).

I completely agree with your friend, that it would be a bad idea to get back together.

I despise the posters on this thread who do not understand enthusiastic consent, and think a bloke can push his partner into the bushes and have sex with her when he is ragingly angry but it isn't rape because he stops when he notices she is crying.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 08/05/2017 20:03

I despise the posters on this thread who do not understand enthusiastic consent, and think a bloke can push his partner into the bushes and have sex with her when he is ragingly angry but it isn't rape because he stops when he notices she is crying.

Fucking THIS.

It's so incredibly depressing seeing how low standards are, culturally, for the behaviour of the person who is meant to love and cherish you.

Like a PP said, OP, does it really matter what word you put on that night? He behaved in an awful, controlling way which hurt and traumatised you. And from what you said he has form.

That is no way to live. I'm glad your friend has pointed this out to you too, and that there are safeguarding concerns. He is not safe for you or your children, physically or emotionally.

category12 · 08/05/2017 20:06

^ That.

Don't take him back.

Naicehamshop · 08/05/2017 20:27

Completely agree pickleme - some of the opinions on this thread are absolutely disgraceful. Please ignore them op.

Original poster
Notquiteyet · 08/05/2017 21:12

Sorry I realise there is more than one view on the thread and I've got stuck on feeling upset by some of the responses. Thank you for the various comments.

I think it was probably all a bit "grey". Also I remember how I felt better than I remember the actual details of how things happened. My recollection might not be accurate.

I'm regretting that I've given this particular memory the headspace that I have. It was stupid. It was probably better filed away as a bad evening.

OP posts:
Funnyonion17 · 08/05/2017 21:20

Hmm it sounds like you created drama too. Why was you so upset you walked into traffic and he had to shove u out the way?

Both of you sound like you can't handle your alcohol or eachother. It all sounds very extreme, I mean grown adults sex in bushes... You can end up on the sex offenders register for that!

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 08/05/2017 21:25

I despise the posters on this thread who do not understand enthusiastic consent, and think a bloke can push his partner into the bushes and have sex with her when he is ragingly angry but it isn't rape because he stops when he notices she is crying

I agree 100%.Just shows how low some of them set their expectations. Sad.

picklemepopcorn · 08/05/2017 21:36

Funnyonion the bit where op found herself in the bushes crying because she was having sex in practically in public with a man with an angry drunk man? Or the bit where she tried to leave and he followed her, pushing her into a ditch? Presumably he managed to avoid getting run over without throwing himself in a ditch?

You think she is a drama lama? Is this thread populated by sock puppets minimising abuse?

Op, the reason you gave it head space is because it was a trauma. You were abused by someone who should have looked after you. Please get help. You need counselling to help you understand the abuse that you seem to have normalised.

picklemepopcorn · 08/05/2017 21:42

Why did you actually split up if this night wasn't the reason?

A PP asked this. Presumably this was one incident which has really upset you. There are others, though?

DermotOLogical · 08/05/2017 21:42

As a one off incident it's not brilliant and your dh sounds like an abusive twat.

I am assuming your friend knows more of the relationship context which might mean there are safeguarding concerns. These could stem from you being vulnerable. Looking at your reaction to the incident it could be argued that you are vulnerable; and possibly being regularly emotionally abused by your partner.

SnickersWasAHorse · 08/05/2017 23:25

I despise the posters on this thread who do not understand enthusiastic consent, and think a bloke can push his partner into the bushes and have sex with her when he is ragingly angry but it isn't rape because he stops when he notices she is crying.

Exactly this!!

Why was you so upset you walked into traffic and he had to shove u out the way?
Because her partner had just had rough sex with her while he was very angry and she was crying.
I think what is damn close to rape, if not actual rape, is enough to get you upset.

AhYerWill · 09/05/2017 00:09

These days I'd LTB for getting angry and shouty over me not dancing at a party, let alone all the other shit that followed.

If my DP doesn't want to dance of an evening I leave him to it - I might make one attempt to encourage him to join me, but I certainly wouldn't be angry or agressive about it or make a scene (and nor would he). I'd even check he was ok or if he was too tired/drunk/bored and wanted to go home. This is what a normal relationship looks like, where you treat each other with respect.

My ex would have behaved like yours did. He was a nasty abusive twat who threw massive angry tantrums if anyone didn't do what HE wanted. I ended up in hospital a couple of times when my behaviour didn't match his expectations and he 'accidentally' hurt me. Much of the time he was nice as pie (because I did what he wanted). This was an abusive relationship and there was no real trust or respect.

I guess you need to decide whether this night was truly an exception and normally you would trust him 100% to treat you kindly and respectfully. If not, then this is not a relationship you should resume.

RedStripeIassie · 09/05/2017 00:25

I don't want to wade in on the is it/is it not abuse arguement but just to say I've had nights that are almost identical to yours where we've both been really drunk. It blurs all your ability to judge the situation because you don't behave like you usually would. Arguing, horrible drunk sex, storming off without the usual sense to be cautious. You wake up and feel shit and sad and angry and can't pinpoint how you actually feel.

You're not abusive and you're not a twat. I hope this thread at least makes a bit more sense out of how you feel about that night because that's what really matters.

LineysRun · 09/05/2017 00:40

May I ask, what finally split you up?

Sample1936 · 09/05/2017 00:46

drunk drama

user1486956786 · 09/05/2017 02:01

I wouldn't say this night alone is abuse, no. Sounds like it was a night of too much alcohol when emotions were already high before you began drinking. Sounds volatile and dysfunctional and you both were not your best that night.

Original poster
Notquiteyet · 09/05/2017 07:35

I do see a counsellor but find it impossible to talk about my feelings around sex. I keep coming back to thinking I could try harder and make it work but then remember ways it wasn't healthy.
And sometimes I remember something that i realise might have not been a normal situation. Thanks for reading and helping make sense of feelings.

OP posts:
Sample1936 · 09/05/2017 07:41

I'm not sure if it's abuse from just that night but I know something isn't right with alcohol and you two. I'd just leave the relationship in the past and reevaluate alcohol and the relationships i get in.

hope you feel better and clearer.