DH and money

[QueenOfTheHuns]

Have name changed for this - could do with some advice or just to get this all off my chest, sorry if it ends up being a long one!

DH and I have been together 10 years, married for 4 months. No children yet.
Now he's always been a bit shit with money in that his parents would pay for everything and he never had to take responsibility for bills etc. When he moved in with me I was living with a friend paying half of the bills and DH would give me half of that back in cash which was the easiest thing for us at the time. We've always sort of plotted along like this, however DH then started to get a bit slack with paying me back on time. We would row about it every now and again and then he would catch up.
I do earn slightly more than him - maybe £300 more a month on average - but I have a car to pay for (he doesn't drive).
When we decided to get married I talked about joint accounts etc and he wasn't keen - but I was fine with it because we both earn our own money and spend it as we like. But he has become a lot worse at paying me back on time and I'm starting to reach the end of my tether.
He says he genuinely forgets and doesn't always go near a cash machine. He refuses to get online banking, god knows why. I suggested he set up a direct debit into my account for every payday and then it's paid and I don't have to keep asking - I'm driving myself mad nagging about it all the time! - but he doesn't want to do that. He still gets his bank statements sent to his mum's house and when we're there he takes them into another room to open. I've asked to see them, he says it's nothing to do with me. I've told him it's not normal to keep finances so separate when you're married and I'm worried he's either skint and hiding it or he's got loads of money and hiding it - I don't know what's worse! He says I don't need to be worried and he just forgets to give me the money.
My outgoings are over £1000 a month including my car, phone bill etc. He's supposed to pay me back £160 a week - I'm currently getting £150 every few weeks so he's just getting more and more behind. He owes me money from rent paid almost a year ago! Meanwhile I'm keeping up to date with bills etc because if I didn't I'd have nowhere to live, no nice things etc. In a way I feel I'm protecting myself financially by being able to provide for myself but also I've shot myself in the foot by letting it get this far.
I'm now scared to start a family with him because I know it would be even worse. Im worried about our future and I feel like he could easily leave me high and dry if he decided he didn't want to be with me one day. This does not shock him into action - he says he's going to try harder to be better but at this point I've heard it all before and so the cycle goes on.
The thing is, he's otherwise a good guy and I love him otherwise I wouldn't have married him. Whenever I've read similar threads in the past I always imagine stroppy teenager type men who sit on their arses all day playing video games - he isn't like that at all. I just don't know where to go from here! Any advice? (That is if you've made it this far )

The secrecy performance around his statements would annoy the living shit out of me, but add the constant non-payment and I'd be incandescent. It's totally unacceptable and he's taking the absolute piss. You need to give him an ultimatum, as clearly just arguing and discussing it hasn't worked.

My ex was a bit like this, he constantly borrowed money off me and expected me to sub him - never big amounts, but he never paid it back because I earned a bit more and he thought that meant I was responsible for both of us. He was the youngest of four brothers and they had always helped him out.

What are you putting up with this for?

TBH, a SO wouldn't be enough for me.
I'd want an adult conversation about all household expenses, how much you've been subsidising him for, how you've effectively paid for the wedding and honeymoon and how he now needs to prove his financial responsibility by being open and honest about money.

If you let him off by agreeing to a SO of a few hundred pounds, he'll presume that you are happy for that to be his contribution going forward. You'll not be able to renegotiate when either of your salaries change/you start a family/you consider part time work etc.

Get a fair agreement now or face making a life-affecting decision.

Pride?! He has no pride! He's knowingly ripped you off for rent for a year and will sulk off back to mummy if you pull him on it. A good man wouldn't do that.

You say he wouldn't swallow his pride, what would he say to people when they asked why you'd broken up? "Queen asked me to leave because I haven't given her a penny for rent in a year, and she single handedly paid for our wedding."? He's not likely to get much sympathy from anyone.

Please consider why you think this relationship is worth saving. He's lied, stolen and is stonewalling you when you try and sort things out.

Yeah he buys presents, pays for meals etc. He used to mess about with fruit machines when he was younger but not now. I don't think he's gambling, I think he simply wants to enjoy nice things without having to pay for boring things like rent and council tax
I did consider asking his mum to give me his bank statements but I don't think she'd feel comfortable hiding that from him and like I say he owes his parents money and I think they'd end up more bothered about that.
He said earlier that he will get a loan and pay me back all in one go. I don't know if that solves everything though. Still doesn't make me feel any more secure financially. I'm just so lost because I love him (I know) but this is really shitty of him and I agree it's disrespectful

Insist he changes his registered address to your home, and that you see the last 3 months statements.

You are married. You simply cannot go on with him acting like a child.

Really? His solution to this is taking out a loan? You do realise you may be liable for this as you're married?

This is lunacy. He's completely financially irresponsible. Don't have kids with him.

People fall in love with their kidnappers and torturers. It's called Stockholm syndrome.

Loving someone isn't a good enough reason to stay in a relationship with them.

You're fucking yourself over. Stay in the relationship if you must, but ffs don't have children. you'll only teach them it's ok to accept this kind of abusive/criminal nonsense.

Jesus wept, a loan to pay you back?
So then he'll decide he can't pay you the ongoing share and the loan repayments, and of course you won't let him default on the loan...

A loan is the same kind of get out of free card as Mummy 1 and now Mummy 2 (sorry, that's you) bailing him out - but it's the same impulse. That is, to not budget to fix things.

Of course, with a loan he'd manage to sign a direct debit form, hey?

He's totally taking the piss out of you.

TBH I would be resistant to showing my boyfriend my bank statements. Nothing to hide, but still feels private. But I would say, you have 3 choices:

• you set up the standing order on Monday
• if you fail to do it, you show me your statements because something is going on
• if you refuse to do one of those, you are choosing me dumping you

And getting a loan is a stupid idiotic suggestion- he KNOWS you'll say no, because it's financial idiocy, and he's banking on it.

Fuck, I'd be so cross I'd call his bluff.
Say fine, get the loan- and then, once you have the money tell him if you don't agree to some more normal shared finance agreement, we're going to need to separate.

He's going to get a loan to pay back a year of his overdue rent and overdue wedding loan payments?

So if he hasn't been saving the money, what exactly has he been spending such a large amount on?

Has he a plan for stopping that spending, not only does he have to reduce his outgoings considerably to just break even but then he has to reduce more to pay back what he owes.

Any sign that he understands this will hurt him and he just has to suck it up?

Him taking our yet another loan (when he's not paying back his parents, you or contributing to the wedding loan) is merely robbing Peter to pay paul. That's not paying anything. That's getting someone else (the bank or maybe PAYDAY loan if his credit rating is shot)! to pay it, again.

Please see sense.

He's not ready to be a grown up, let alone a married one.

He is hiding his financial situation from you. That's not good.

Get a joint account for bills only. Agree an amount you each put in to it monthly- yours could be a bit more as you earn more but should be proportionate. He should also set up a standing order just to your personal account for arrears; for a limited time period.

My oh is also forgetful, earns and pays for less than me so I have some sympathy. But if he owes me money and I tell him to go and get it from cashpoint, he does (eventually). It sounds like your oh has secrets or imagines he's a teenager who can keep 'his' money.

Op this is a strange arrangement he doesn't seem to understand living in the real world my dp and i both have a income and both share daily expenses we also have a baby together for instance
Weekly food shop I'll do
Dp does food top ups as needed
Buys baby's milk and necessitys i.e nappies wipes
Bills are jointly covered
Rent is both of ours responsibility
Council tax is both
But we both say any income is both of ours not just his or mine

As a PP said, OP, where is your line?

He will continue to do this, to spend on fun things for himself while you graft to pay all the bills by yourself. Are you happy with that? Because if you're not going to put your foot down and either send him back to mummy, or tell him it's financial transparency and a direct debit or the relationship is over, then you are going to use to accept that this is how it will always be. Even when you're on mat leave, you'll be funding you, your DH and your DC all by yourself.

Oh I told him it was a ridiculous suggestion and that if he can arrange a loan he can set up a direct debit. He does understand he's being a dick and is sorry, he's better for a week maybe 2 and then it's back to this.

I feel like an idiot tbh. I'm angry with myself for enabling it for so long. And I know you're all right, you're all saying things I've been telling myself but I don't want my marriage to end, it's a big thing to deal with. The worst thing is that everyone thinks we're this perfect couple made for each other and I feel embarrassed that this is happening

Believe me it's worse to keep going. Take the hit now.

Of course you don't want your marriage to end.

But he knows that. He no doubt doesn't want it to end either. But he knows you'll let him off the hook eventually and it can all keep going his way.

Very selfish. Marriage is about making the other person happy and trusting they'll do the same for you.

So insist. And mean it.

You need to insist on seeing his bank statements. I would be really concerned that he has got himself into debt and isn't telling you. If that is the case and you really insist (you'd love him whatever etc) then it may be a relief for him really to be able to stop hiding a dirty secret.

Or if he is loaded, you'll at least know that he's a wanker rather than not know.

Hopefully he is just living within his means but struggling a bit late in the month and treating you like his mum.

You have known him 10 years and what he was like and you still fucking married him?!

Here's your future if you don't sort this. You buy a house, pay most of the mortgage. Couple of kids. 15 years time he is up to his eyeballs in debt and you have to sell your home to pay them leaving you with fuck all for your hard work.

His behaviour is so fucking suspicious.
Tell him to get to the fucking bank and set up a standing order as you a fed up to fuck of him not paying his way. I would also demand to see his statements and that if he wasn't honest with you about his financial position you would not be happy continuing as is.

The no internet banking thing is bullshit. It's in case you would be able to check on his phone. The statements going to his parents is also to hide them from you.

DP and I have always had seperate finances. The difference is we don't hide them from each other.

I'm going to be blunt and say divorce him. I completely understand why you feel like you can't do this but this man is going to take all your dreams for your future from you and leave you with nothing but debt.

He is dishonest and probably a gambler if he has no money and nothing to show for it.

It is absolutely essential for a successful marriage to be on the same page financially and you have been together 10 years and he has always been like this?? He will not change.

You deserve better.

DO NOT GET A JOINT BANK ACCOUNT WITH HIM! Although you are married you are not financially linked to him. A joint bank account will create that link.

Get a loan to pay you back the living expenses he owes you? Which suggest to me that he has no savings and is very likely overdrawn, hence the hiding of his bank statements. What has he been spending all his money on when he's practically been living rent and bills-free?

A standing-order or he's out. I cannot fathom why you borrowed money for a wedding and did extra shifts to pay for a honeymoon and now he still owes money to his parents! Read the writing on the wall, lady. He's a cocklodger, and a brazen one at that.