Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancée has been on adultwork

63 replies

Tinkerbell1989 · 06/05/2017 19:16

Hi everyone,
I have read a lot of similar posts on here and was hoping someone could offer some advice - especially from previous posters in a similar situation.

I have been with my partner for 8 years, the other weekend I was innocently going through emails looking for flights and came across some adult work purchases - I asked him about it. After along evening of tears and asking him to leave it turns out he was frequently asking to meet people (often 10 at a time). He said it was almost like his porn - he would send them out and get off to it when he got a reply. He also said he had been buying private gallery pictures. He agreed he thought had a problem and suggested he should go to counselling which is now booked and he is waiting to attend. He offered to get rid of anything I wanted him to - I explained this wouldn't make it better.
I'm now in limbo of seeing what I want to do- we are due to get married next year. I just feel so unsure and tbh it's really knocked my confidence! I have checked all our accounts and there has been no suspicious withdrawals or anything of that nature. Since this incident he has made an effort to reassure me etc but I've made it clear I am still not happy with the situation or sure about the relationship.

I think what I am asking for is just some perspective on the situation / experience of anyone who has been in this situation.

Thanks
.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 06/05/2017 19:17

So is he saying he got his kicks from asking women to meet him but then not showing up?

Original poster
Tinkerbell1989 · 06/05/2017 19:19

Yea not showing up almost like it made it a bit more real! Weird I know!

OP posts:
SheldonsSpot · 06/05/2017 19:21

You believe that he was on adultworks arranging to meet people but didn't ever actually meet anyone?

IAmTheWorwax · 06/05/2017 19:24

Even if he was telling the truth I think that would be enough for me to feel like the trust had gone. I'd be worried about a time when that isn't enough for him and he wants to go the step further, and I wouldn't want to marry that worry.

Original poster
Tinkerbell1989 · 06/05/2017 19:24

I don't know what I believe anymore. I think initially I didn't see why someone would not meet them when they've gone to that effort but there were no replies back to people, no money leaving the only account we have?
Still finding it very shady and odd but he was so open about what he had been doing and he said he was relieved it had become a bit like a habit? Just that the thrill of messaging someone was what got him off?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 06/05/2017 19:31

I think he sounds a creep, to be honest. He's buying photos - did you find them on the bank statements? He's telling women he'll meet them for sex and then not turning up. Some of those women will be very vulnerable - I would hate to think of him being involved in anything like that.

Do you have children together?

Hesabawbag · 06/05/2017 19:34

It's horrible for you and better you found out before you marry, so that's a positive. This is not a reflection on you. This is about him, remember that. Has he got self esteem issues, as pathetic and unacceptable this behaviour is, he could be looking for an ego boost. Flowers

Original poster
Tinkerbell1989 · 06/05/2017 19:34

Yea the photos were on the bank statements and no children yet thankfully!

OP posts:
Hesabawbag · 06/05/2017 19:38

PS, if I were you I would not marry him as he is clearly not ready.

tissuesosoft · 06/05/2017 19:40

I wouldn't want to marry him either- spending what I presume are joint funds on that? What if you have children, will he spend family money on it? Blame using it on the stresses of having children? Blame you for not 'fulfilling' some need in his head?

troodiedoo · 06/05/2017 19:41

I work for adult sites, the arranging to meet but not going through with it is very common. It's like proof that they've "still got it"

His willingness to go to counselling is good. You can both move on but it is long and painful, probably a lot longer than he's anticipating. (Some) men like a quick fix. Which is why they end up doing this sort of thing.

troodiedoo · 06/05/2017 19:42

Should add in a tech role, I'm not a sex worker!

StripeyZazie · 06/05/2017 19:42

Get out while you can.

WellErrr · 06/05/2017 19:44

troodie I don't know how you can morally do that job.

OP did he pay for meetings?

Ellisandra · 06/05/2017 19:45

How do you know he didn't meet them?
Have you read all the messages?
By the way, it's really common to make initial contact on AW then confirm the booking via text. I know this from my prostitute using XH, and other women who have posted on here.

I would put money on you not having the truth, sorry. Mainly because every single bloody post about AW on here, the poor cheated on woman comes back with more they've discovered or forced out of their arsehole boyfriend. It goes like this: I never met them. Then you find the bit of evidence that says they did. So they change to "well, I did go - but I couldn't go through with it".

Counselling? Hmm my hard won experience says, there are lovely men out there that don't need counselling to get them not to be arseholes. Just get rid of the defective one and find a decent man to start with.

Ellisandra · 06/05/2017 19:49

I disagree with your interpretation of a man not going through with it, troodie.
Knowing that a prostitute will fuck you for cash will not make you feel you "got it".

If they message and don't go through with it (I'm sure it's true, and you have inside knowledge) I'd say that's more likely to be because:

  • they found sex cheaper elsewhere
  • they couldn't get away from their wife as planned Hmm
  • they had a wank over it and didn't plan to go

None of these things is attractive in a partner.

And if you're right, it's to check they've still got it - no, that's not attractive either.

Not worth the counselling.

Original poster
Tinkerbell1989 · 06/05/2017 20:06

As far as I know he didn't pay for meetings

OP posts:
CheesyChristie · 06/05/2017 20:18

If he didn't meet them he would be blocked. He wouldn't have a long list of arranged meetings. He'd have to set up a new account each time he did t meet someone (unless he cancelled once which you'd also be able to see in his messages). Time wasters cost sex workers a hell of a lot so they'll always be reported and the account would then be deactivated by Adultwork.

Disclaimer - this was the case approx 4 years ago. Don't know if it has now changed.

troodiedoo · 06/05/2017 20:20

WellErrr my job is more hook up dating than escort sites. I don't have much to do with that. I have questioned my moral compass several times. And it has made me very cynical.

I do know that men who do this sort of thing very rarely quit when they get found out. Though there are exceptions.

Original poster
Tinkerbell1989 · 06/05/2017 20:31

He hasn't booked anyone just enquired like how much etc - sending a generic message multiple times and then there is either no response from the females or he hasn't replied back to their message. Would this still result in him being blocked?

OP posts:
Mummamayhem · 06/05/2017 20:35

Pah you're trying to believe what's he's telling you because you want and need to believe him.

It's bollocks, he has no respect for you or your relationship. Leave him, hold your head high when you tell everyone why you won't be getting married, you've done nothing wrong.

NettleTea · 06/05/2017 20:37

I dont think it matters what he did / did not do.
Do you want to be with a man who thinks its OK to go onto a site for prostitutes for a look around, buy a few pics and do a bit of shopping for women?
Do you think you want to be with a man who thinks its alright to buy women's bodies?
Do you want to be with a man who even thinks about doing that?
There are plenty who dont.
He is sad and crying and saying he will do anything, but thats because he got caught. He didnt come to you with the info of what he had done, accept he had a problem, and independantly say he was going to get some help to sort it out. He is only doing and saying those things because he got caught. If he hadnt got causght you would be none the wiser and it would have just carried on.
You deserve better treatment than that, and you deserve a man who views women as people, and not commodities to pop in his basket when he is feeling a bit bored.

ChicRock · 06/05/2017 20:39

You're not married and have no children.

I honestly can't imagine loving a man like this more than I love myself and more than I value my own self esteem.

He gets his kicks from (at the very least) duping sex workers into thinking he wants to meet up with them and I'll bet what you've discovered is the tip of an iceberg.

Funny he only thought about sorting some counselling out after you caught him.

Surely this is a no brainer?

Dump him and find a good man, a man that doesn't need fixing up in counselling? in the hope that he'll then he good enough to marry.

Shayelle · 06/05/2017 20:40

He sounds grotesque.

Notmyrealname85 · 06/05/2017 20:46

You're thinking too much about how far he's gone messaging, maybe meeting etc

Think more about how you feel Even "just" messaging women - I mean Jesus Christ I would be chucking him out.

Do not justify a miserable future because you've had 8 years together. Do not waste any more time with him.

Question: would you message men to meet up? Realising (hopefully) how far that is from acceptable to you, might help put this in perspective

Swipe left for the next trending thread