Kids meeting OW

[Stuck16]

So exdh started seeing a new woman at start of march- only ended our marriage 3 weeks ago but that's by the by.
He has told me today he wants our DC to meet his new girlfriend next weekend. They are only 9 and 3 are still getting used to him not being here- it's only been 3 weeks.
He thinks me saying it's too soon is me trying to be difficult but it's not. Yes I am far from thrilled about the idea but to me this is a brand new relationship and kids should only be introduced when a relationship is established and serious.
He said if I don't agree then he'll just take them behind my back.
He doesn't see what the issue is at all. I said that given he doesn't have the kids overnight ever so there's no chance of her being around when they are there's no rush for her to meet them.
Also, his time with them is minuscule as it is, he should want to give them his undivided attention but he's talking about getting her kids involved so they can all play together- it's supposed to be his time with them!!!!
What do I do?

Get a childminder to pick up from afterschool club and keep til you can get there?

Could you afford to out DS in breakfast and after school club? You could tell ex that he is welcome to drop DS off to school if he gets to you by x time, otherwise you're taking DS to breakfast club so you can go to work.

Then it's entirely in his hands about whether DS has to go to breakfast club or not.

Same for after school club - either he collects him or DS goes to after school club.

By the way - lots of DC use clubs, he'll make friends there. He has two days at home with you. It doesn't seem like that bad a thing that DS has to go to clubs to enable you to work?

Is there any way of sorting transport or get local teenager to walk them home and meet them at home at 6 instead?

Just wanted to say I completely understand your situation as I am going through it myself

Everything he tells you, about you being unreasonable, "preventing access", punishing ds by thinking of putting him in breakfast club etc etc - its all propaganda to keep you feeling insecure and beholden. He is actually talking complete bullshit.

As difficult as it is going to be, you must take control.

Breakfast/after school club is a good idea and great for the kids socially. Your mind would be at rest knowing they are being looked after and at school on time. Can you afford it?

Are you able to afford a solicitor..? Getting "contact" arrangements set in stone is very important with dickheads like these.

Then something has to give. Your working hours are not convenient. How sympathetic is your boss? Could you speak with her/him about striking a deal or moving hours around? Could you tread water until you find something more convenient? As others have mentioned what about a babysitter? Do whatever it takes to not rely on your ex because he's clearly loving this power.

Do you have any local friends? I know if a friend of mine was in this situation I would temporarily help with school runs/after school until you could get things properly sorted out.

Think you need to tell school, if you haven't already, the situation you are in.

As others have said you need to get legal advice as soon as possible.

If he hasn't had to look after the children much on his own before I assume he will be expecting the new GF to be very hands on and he may find that she is not very impressed with this idea.

Sorry Stuck just seen your post about school clubs.

Omg what an absolute dick.

DS already goes to after school club on the days I work.

I don't know any teenagers. The only way I could maybe pick up both DC would be to get a taxi but I don't have that kind of disposable income.

If I take DS to breakfast club then exh will not pick him up from school or DD from nursery. He's done it before when we were together and he wouldn't get out of bed to take him to school so I took him to school, was late for work and then, because I'd made exh "look bad" by taking DS to school he didn't pick him up and I got a phone call asking where I was because when they'd called exh he'd said I was supposed to be doing the pick up.

I work 3 days a week 9-5:30. I love my job. When DS was younger I worked for a different company but same role and had to work full time including weekends.
After DD was born I found this job as still need to work and it's very fortunate in my field to not have to work weekends anymore.
Trouble is it's a very small office and if I was to say I needed to leave early on my days in then someone would be left alone which is unsafe.

Do I really need to look at giving up a job I enjoy because my ex is a dick? He'd really have taken everything from me then

"He's barely shown an interest in our daughter since she was born. He has only really bothered with football with our son.
Everything has been left to me for years. He has had both of them by himself for a grand total of around 3 hours in 3 years. He can't cope with it, he shouts at them, he doesn't do anything with them but sit on the sofa and repeatedly tells him to sit down too.
All of a sudden though he wants to play the role of perfect dad to show off to his new girlfriend and it's just not right."

Well this explains why he's so keen to introduce the new GF, and have contact at hers - he wants to fob the grunt work of parenting on to her.

No you need to find a childminder who can do those hours.

Are you getting maint ? All the benefits you are entitled to ?

He's refusing to pay maintenance at the moment until I open a separate bank account and provide proof of what it's being spent on. I'm aware he can't demand that but he is, i rang cms on Friday but I don't know how long they'll take to get something sorted.
I have applied for all benefits- my wage is quite low so was getting tax credits but now they've stopped them to end joint claim and start single claim. Money's very very tight, I didnt have dinner last night as have only just been paid a week ago but nursery and rent had to be paid leaving me with £60 until child benefit goes in on Wednesday and DS needed a new pair of school shoes

Please talk to your boss OP. Tell her/him everything you've told us. You love your job , you're a new single mum , you're struggling with the logistics of childcare/work. Your boss may be able to help in some way , suggest a babysitter or change your shifts slightly. It's worth a try.

You've identified the problem now you can find your solution.

He's refusing to pay maintenance at the moment until I open a separate bank account and provide proof of what it's being spent on.

Christ, what a complete and utter piece of shit. I hope CMS take him to the cleaners.

As soon as he walked out the door you should have been on the phone and sorted out your benefits & maintenance, it's for the children after all.

Being so completely reliant on him is not helping you or the children in fact it's making matters worse.

Thankfully you'll get back pay once it's all sorted out and can then employ a childminder for after school pick ups which will then mean you can use the breakfast club and finally can tell your ex to do one and draw up a schedule for contact. Which he has to stick to or you can involve a solicitor.

I'm surprised you haven't spoken to his father about maintenance though seeing as he was willing to help you regarding introducing the children to the new girlfriend. I'm sure he would want to see his grandchildren getting what they are entitled to after all.

He has no right to be putting all these ridiculous demands on you and the sooner you get that sorted out the better. Good luck.

You need to accept he's not part of your life now only your children's, if he's a crap dad that's really unfortunate but there's nothing you can do about his parenting unless there's abuse and there's nothing you can do about how much support he's willing to offer you, you can do something about the maintenance though, how he spends his life is up to him and vice versa as you are not in a relationship anymore, and by the sounds of him that's a good thing , and I agree with pp spend your free time wisely , do something nice for yourself or spend time improving your fitness/education/ social life or anything else which will benefit you, not trying to dictate to your ex, I totally get why you want to try and get him to change his behaviour but you are wasting your energy

You all make it sound so easy, just do this just do that- do you not think I would if I could?

I turned to his dad as a last resort, he's worse than useless at the best of times but exh worships him for some reason so thought he could get through to him.
He won't interfere in finances- his words.

I am yet to find a childminder who works before 8am or after 6pm which is what I need.

I have very few friends who I rarely see as all are too busy, I have no social life to speak of I literally go to work, school and home. That's it
I have no interests, all I have been for 12.5 years is a wife and mother and now it's all gone

He told me OW will be better than me with the kids because she's a childminder and a great mum to her kids who he's already met.
This whole thing is making me crazy, 3 weeks ago he was my husband and now he's off playing families with someone else and I'm supposed to pat them on the back and wish them all the best?
I can't do it.

Tell him you've met a lovely man online and he's going to start staying over and sharing the childcare, now that you're struggling to cover the hours. See how he likes that.

Stuck , I'm glad you're getting cross , you should be cross. Your situation sucks. It's unfair on the dc and yourself.

However you ar focusing far too much on the negatives. I'll list some positives for you.

1. No matter the outcome of your relationship , you have children you adore , this makes you lucky.

2. You have a job you love and a roof over your head , some don't have this when they leave a relationship , some have to start everything from scratch lik many of us here.

3. You got away from this 'prize' of a man. He will soon be making OW's life as miserable as he made yours.

4. You can and will rebuild your life , you have the tools , you just need to use them. You will be fine.

To summarise , we all know this isn't easy , most of us have been there.
Please focus on you and the dc though. Look forward.

Sorry, you're right chicken, there are a lot of positives. It's been a very trying weekend and I needed to let it out.
I know I'm lucky to have the things I do, I know it could be worse. When he's standing there goading me to hit him and refusing to leave my house unless the police come and make him the negatives do take over.

Divorce is the only way for us after all he's done so I don't see the point in waiting- he said I'm trying to rush it through!

He doesn't want to rush it, because then he'll have to start making proper formal arrangements.

It's not okay for him to just see his kids when he wants, now that he's left. That has to be arranged formally, because he's unreliable and you can't hang around waiting for him. That's what he wants, for you to be stuck.

You need to put in an application for flexible working to enable you to do the drops and picks without him.

It could mean that you continue working from home after you pick the DC up depending on your job.

I work in HR and would be happy to help you with the wording of the application if necessary.

If he dropped dead tomorrow, you'd find a way to carry on with work and the kids.

Once he sees you can cope without his assistance, then he won't have anything to hold you ransom with.

When you mentioned something about his relationship with the OW being established... Who knows how long it's been going on. Maybe in his mind it is established. They could have been together for years, because nobody with half a brain would just leave after a couple of weeks with an OW.

I feel your pain, but your employers will be understanding.
Feel free to PM me if you need to regarding the flexible working request. There could be alternative solutions/working patterns which I might be able to help you with.

What an arse your ex is to withhold maintenance and to tell you that the OW will be better at looking after DC than you.

I misunderstood your earlier posts - when you say that your ex collects the DC after school, you meant from after school club not directly at end of school day.

Does your school have a newsletter? Can you put an advert in for help with collecting DC? Would any of the after-school workers or the nursery staff from your other DCs nursery be willing to take DC home for you?

Whatever you do, do not give up your job. Good part time jobs are rare and you'll need to support yourself and DC.

When he's standing there goading me to hit him and refusing to leave my house unless the police come and make him

Then grant his wish.

Arse.

And his childminder OW might not find him a good thing to have around if the police are aware of him...

He's taking them to a local theme park with her kids too on Saturday.

The theme park I've been asking him to go with me and the kids to for the last 5 years since we moved to the area.

I smiled and showed the kids the theme park website and told them what a wonderful time they'd have.

I wanted to scream