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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Kids meeting OW

83 replies

Stuck16 · 06/05/2017 13:48

So exdh started seeing a new woman at start of march- only ended our marriage 3 weeks ago but that's by the by.
He has told me today he wants our DC to meet his new girlfriend next weekend. They are only 9 and 3 are still getting used to him not being here- it's only been 3 weeks.
He thinks me saying it's too soon is me trying to be difficult but it's not. Yes I am far from thrilled about the idea but to me this is a brand new relationship and kids should only be introduced when a relationship is established and serious.
He said if I don't agree then he'll just take them behind my back.
He doesn't see what the issue is at all. I said that given he doesn't have the kids overnight ever so there's no chance of her being around when they are there's no rush for her to meet them.
Also, his time with them is minuscule as it is, he should want to give them his undivided attention but he's talking about getting her kids involved so they can all play together- it's supposed to be his time with them!!!!
What do I do?

OP posts:

Guavaf1sh · 06/05/2017 21:12

I agree it's a horrible situation and I feel for you. You can't say 'no' however - it's not your call. All the comments about him being selfish though are absolutely true

anxiousnow · 06/05/2017 22:32

I would say no. I would tell him that he can see his children but if she is going to be there then they won't be. That isn't you stopping him seeing his children. You are giving him a choice which is more than he is trying to do to you. If they are together for a while it will still be hard for you but it will eventually happen. For now I would say no.

Original poster

Stuck16 · 07/05/2017 09:25

So I said if he's insisting they meet her despite my reservations, and the articles I sent him which basically spelt out that its best to wait til a relationship is established before bringing kids into it, then I'd like to know where he's taking them and when.
He said I will know when he's taking them when he shows up to get them and I don't need to know where they're going.
I can't win.

OP posts:

ChickenBhuna · 07/05/2017 09:46

You don't really need to know where he's taking them , you do have a right to know when though. Make a proper access arrangement and don't deviate from it. Write it down , make sure you both have a copy (email is fine) so that he cannot just turn up when he pleases. He may fight you but be firm , if he shows up when it's not his turn to have them tell him no. If he doesn't show up at all then that's his loss.

Take control of this OP. And rebuild your life while the kids are out with their dad , see friends and take up that hobby you've wanted for while. You've got time now.

ChickenBhuna · 07/05/2017 09:50

For all of the people that are telling Stuck to say no - she's got no more right to say that than her ex has when she meets somebody new. Also she has no right to know where the kids are going , I'm sure stuck doesn't ask for permission take the kids to certain places and it works both ways.

OverOn · 07/05/2017 09:56

Stuck I know it's really hard. This is all sonew and raw to you.

Unfortunately, you have to let him parent the way he thinks is best (provided there is no abuse). You don't need to know where he is going or when - he'll see that as you trying to exert control on his time with the DC.

All you can do is support your DC to the best of your ability. You have to let go on trying to get him to see your point of view with parenting - he won't listen and it will just stress you out when he doesn't listen.

This is meant in the nicest possible way btw. You have to let go of any idea of having a say on what happens when he has DC. It's very hard but you basically have to accept that his parenting style isn't the same as yours and let him get on with it.

Original poster

Stuck16 · 07/05/2017 09:57

Actually I have always told him where I'm taking the kids in case of emergencies so he knows where I am. Maybe that's weird I don't know but it's what I've always done.

My point is that my kids lives have been turned upset down these last few weeks and now he wants to thrust them into a blended family with her and her kids with no consideration for their feelings? And I should just sit by and watch them get hurt? My 9 year old asked me yesterday if it means he has 2 mums now. I have tried to be bright and cheery and encouraging so he knows it's ok to go if he wants to- his dad, it turns out has told him that to see him my son will have to go with him to the new girlfriends because that's where his dad will be.

He won't make a formal contact arrangement, he says he doesn't need permission or a schedule to see his kids because they are his kids. He says they should be available for him to see whenever he chooses.

I have very few friends who all have their own young families so don't need sad sack me hanging around. I also have no hobby I want to take up.
I just want my kids to be safe and happy and his behaviours threatening that

OP posts:

ifeelcraptonight · 07/05/2017 10:01

He's a dick but you can't stop it and if you took it to court you'd likely lose.

Just support your kids and get mediation to get a contact schedule worked out. (I know it's not officially called contact any more)

OverOn · 07/05/2017 10:02

Ok, the access arrangements don't sound good for DC or you - his confusing to never know when they're going to be with mum or dad.

I suggest you set out a reasonable pattern of contact and offer it to him. I have a friend that has DC every wed night and either fri night/all day Saturday or Sat night/all day Sunday. So th me DC see their dad twice a week, test of the time with their mum.

Original poster

Stuck16 · 07/05/2017 10:04

He's barely shown an interest in our daughter since she was born. He has only really bothered with football with our son.
Everything has been left to me for years. He has had both of them by himself for a grand total of around 3 hours in 3 years. He can't cope with it, he shouts at them, he doesn't do anything with them but sit on the sofa and repeatedly tells him to sit down too.
All of a sudden though he wants to play the role of perfect dad to show off to his new girlfriend and it's just not right

OP posts:

ChickenBhuna · 07/05/2017 10:06

Stuck - I hear you and it sucks. I was you 10 years ago but I her posters are right.your dc now have two halves of her lives , one with you (which you can control) and one with him that you can't.

I felt exactly as you do a decade ago and my solicitor said these words "the best thing you can do is be consistent". She was right OP , all you can do is be a great mum and be ready to mop up when he inevitably fucks up. I'm sorry but this is the way it is now and it isn't easy but this is what you get for making babies with a loser! I did the same so what I say is completely without judgement and said with empathy and care.

However you must get an arrangement in place. Are you in a position to seek legal advice? Your DC are not toys to be picked up and put down when he sees fit.do not allow him to walk all over you.

Original poster

Stuck16 · 07/05/2017 10:06

He can't have them overnight ever because he lives in a houseshare and it's in the tenancy agreement- no under 16s on the premises. I've told him he has to move into his own place so he can have them but he's refused saying it suits him better this way

OP posts:

Original poster

Stuck16 · 07/05/2017 10:10

I have no choice but to do as he says, I have no family support and very few friends who all have their own lives and kids to deal with.
If I want to go anywhere without the kids I need him to agree to watch them and even when we were together he's change his mind at the last second and go out himself.
He wasn't always like this certainly not when I married him or had our son. Our daughter was conceived even though I was on the pill and he was definitely a different person then.
I am completely beholden to him and will be until the kids are older which is years and years away.
He's reveling in the fact I have no one to turn to and no where to go unless he agrees and now he's using the kids in his sick games too

OP posts:

ChickenBhuna · 07/05/2017 10:12

Okay. Then sort out the best days for contact. He could have them an afternoon a week then a day on the weekend for example. Make these set days then your dc will have consistently. If he tries to take them other days tell him no , you have plans.

Runningissimple · 07/05/2017 10:12

Take control of what you can. Insist on a formal contact arrangement. You can't control who your kids meet or where they go when they are with him but you can insist on routines and a formal arrangement.

Ask him to meet you to agree contact arrangements and for now stick to it like your life depends on it. chickenbhuna gives good advice.

He's being a shit. It will hurt you now but ultimately he's damaging his relationships with his kids and hurting himself.

I've been through a very similar situation. i really believe that in your relationships with your kids you reap what you sow. Right now it might feel that he's getting away with anything and everything but he's digging his own grave. The children will remember all of this and they will judge him far more harshly than anyone on MN! Teenagers aren't particularly generous or forgiving of their parents' mistakes

Just keep doing the right thing for now OP. It is hard right now but it will come good for you in the end.

Original poster

Stuck16 · 07/05/2017 10:13

I tried that and he cancelled last minute to go to the pub with his friends
If I bring that up he says I'm being difficult and trying to stop him seeing the kids- I'm not I just want him to show up when agreed

OP posts:

Runningissimple · 07/05/2017 10:14

You can stand up to him. Start now and it will get easier and easier.

ChickenBhuna · 07/05/2017 10:15

I understand that his behaviour isn't right but all you can do is get strong and react appropriately. He is a twonk and probably always will be

Runningissimple · 07/05/2017 10:20

At the moment, be prepared for him not to show up. If he misses his contact times, don't let him swap. He missed one, he sees them next time. End of. He is walking all over you and you need to stop him.

No judgement- I was in your position a couple of years ago. It's really hard but that's why you need rules and rountines. Dealing with an unreasonable ex can be a bit like dealing with an unreasonable child. Just keep the rules and routines consistent and he will learn if he wants to see the kids.

Having a contact arrangement is not controlling, it's normal. He's being unreasonable not you.

ChickenBhuna · 07/05/2017 10:21

OP , that's why you date the arrangement and put it in writing. If he has the audacity to take you to court you can produce this paperwork and show how reasonable you are! The most access he will ever be awarded in court (provided you are a good mum , I'm sure you are) is a 50/50 leisure time split. So you offering him a full day plus afternoon in the week to begin with is absolutely fine.if he doesn't show then it's his loss. Your dc will soon see that daddy is a shit , you can't protect them from this OP. They will have to learn this eventually.

Nanny0gg · 07/05/2017 10:25

The more you object to whatever he wants to do the more he will do it.

He sounds like a total child who I don't think you can trust an inch.

You will need to take proper legal steps to make sure everything is set in stone and you and your children get what you should.

See a solicitor pronto.

OverOn · 07/05/2017 10:28

When you've ageeed the contact schedule, be completely inflexible about it for a while. If he's missing contact because he's going to the pub, he waits until next scheduled contact to see DC.

At the moment he's acting like you are the default parent (as it seems you were when you were together) and he expects you to flex your time to pander to his wants.

As hard as it is, you need to find a way of no longer relying on him. Is there a local teenager you can pay to keep an eye on DC if you need to pop out? Another mum you can swap babysitting with - you have all DC if she needs to go out and vice veraa?

TBH as long as you are in the frame of mind that you 'need' him to cope, then you're going to be scared to say no when he wants to change contact at the last minute.

Original poster

Stuck16 · 07/05/2017 10:33

There's no one. I rely on him to do the school runs on the 3 days I work because he has flexi hours and I don't. He's been consistently late in the mornings so I said I'd have to put our son in breakfast club if he was late again- he said I was punishing DS if I did that and that if I took away the morning school run I could do the afternoon one too but I can't leave work before 5:30 and wouldn't be able to get both kids before 6 which he knows- especially as he's taken the car too.

He has complete control because I do rely on him, I do need him and he knows it and he knows there is no way out for me

OP posts:

ChickenBhuna · 07/05/2017 10:38

Put ds in breakfast club and find out about after school clubs too. It's not punishment, your ex is talking crap! Make this work for you.

Original poster

Stuck16 · 07/05/2017 10:42

That's the problem- after school club runs til 6 and nursery shuts at 6- I can't leave work before 5:30 and have to use public transport so can't get both kids in time.
If I put DS in breakfast club exh has said he will no longer do the afternoon pick ups either so I can't put DS in breakfast club because I can't do the afternoon pick ups

OP posts:

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