Anyone up please, just read some of dds texts and horrified

[Shockedandhopeless]

Namechanged

Firstly before anyone slates me dd has some mild additional needs and has a history of doing something really silly on the Internet when younger while at a friend's house on two occasions resulting in a ban and then Internet only where she could be seen hence I still worry about her staying safe given she can access the Internet at school and friends.

She is now 14 and has a phone which she needs due to the journey length she makes and I thought I had educated her enough to give her another chance now she's older although I still randomly check.

Anyway tonight she left her phone open and I thought I would have a quick check given her history and the way she has been behaving out of character recently and I'm horrified.

A couple of months ago a new girl also with some additional needs started at dds school and they became friends and have been texting.

The girl has said stuff about her parents so dd has made up horrible stuff about me and told the other child full on horrible lies.

The girl had put about killing herself so
Dd made up some lie about something I have done as to her reason and said she's going to kill herself because of it.

She's really vile about me in general including completely mocking about me saying I was going to go back to uni.

They are basically being horrible to another girl in school (which makes me furious as dd has been bullied in the past and suffered horribly)

There is some conversation about this other girl giving dd rules that she must stick to and dd asking repeatedly what the rules are.

But the worst is there is some conversation about marks on arms, another friend of dds had been questioned at school about self harming and the new girl had been doing it too.
Dd has I've just discovered been scratching her arm with a compass.

What the hell do I do.

Confiscate her phone for a start until you decide.

Tread extremely carefully. I wouldn't go in all guns blazing.

Yep, take her phone off her. SHe can't be trusted with it, obviously. Then work out how to disable everything except for the calls before you give it back to her.

Talk to her school - flag the suicidal discussion with the friend - hopefully they'll alert the friend's parents too.

Sorry you've had to find this - what a nasty shock. :(

I've got the phone. I'm trying to figure out how to stop apps being installed. I'm more worried as I've seen she's downloaded snap chat. If this is the stuff I can see then what's on that Ffs.

Agree with taking the phone, she has shown you she can't be trusted.

I think a long chat is in order, perhaps involve the school and other girl's parents, It's not normal behaviour.

Don't feel bad for checking the phone, she is a minor under your care and while I agree privacy is important for teenagers, you as her parent need to be able to feel you can protect her.

Perhaps a more basic phone that just makes calls and texts... doesn't address the bigger issues, if course.

I wouldn't take the phone as a consequence of the messages I'd read without her consent, only as I am thinking of it in terms of my DD. Obviously it isn't a one size fits all.
I would just so happen to have the phone go AWOL/break and have the internet turned off for a bit at home. I would get her a new phone with some sort of credit for emergency calls only.
I'd then put fuck loads of effort into having 1 to 1 with her, a quiet word with the school if I was sure I could trust them.
If there is anyone in your wider network she has a close bond with I would include them as well, all in an effort to give her validation outside of this friend and without making myself the enemy or something to conspire against.
My main concern wouldn't be the hurtful comments but the "rules" she is supposed to follow.

Just to add we have tons of one to one.
There's only me and her.

The rules are worrying me too. She's quite vulnerable really.
She used to be a really lovely kind girl. We had a few months last year where she was being aggressive physically and verbally to me to the point I spoke to the GP but she hated school and was being bullied.

She's now in a 14+ environment and loves it and had gone back to her lovely self until not long after this new best friend started.
She's been talking to me like crap for a couple of weeks and calling me mother in a mocking tone and being downright rude which is why I checked really.

Speak to her form tutor about her friendship with this friend, to start with. See what her recent behaviour has been like in school and at least ask that they keep an eye on her.

This recent change in behaviour needs to be stamped on, and hard.

Oh I wasn't insinuating you don't have 1 to 1, just thinking about my own DD sometimes I have to really step it up a notch.
Something that does work for us, is when she is going down that path I do tell her I'm tackling her over it because I know she is better than that, if I didn't think she was I wouldn't be having the conversation. It works well for my DD as a big prob for her is a lack of self confidence. It seems to help her relax and open up to me. She is younger though.
Like I said one size doesn't fit all but this discussion re "rules" is concerning

I don't want to alarm you OP but it sounds like this new game coming from Russia. Have a read of this ... www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.thesun.co.uk/news/3438892/blue-whale-challenge-online-suicide-game-family-race-stop-teen/amp/

I don't have any advice to offer apart from having a calm discussion with her rather than shouting, if she's been calling you names and accusing you of things you haven't done, you don't want to justify what she's saying and then her feel like she's being pushed with no way out.

Good luck OP

I've checked her browser web on her phone. She's been searching how to self harm.
She's also been searching some really damn weird sex stuff presumably using McDonald's WiFi as we don't have WiFi and there's one near school.
She's also been lying about where she is, lying about being on her way home, asking for money for toast but spending it on junk (which I'm not that bothered about)
Asking for money to buy stuff then buying this other kid stuff.

I'm blown away tbh

Can't offer much advice on everything, but you asked how to prevent apps being downloaded. If it's an iPhone you can set up a password/fingerprint before any apps are downloaded (so you can set this up to be yours, and yours alone. I assume this would be possible for an android. Register the phone with a new email and password (I.e one you can control). That way dd can't download the likes of snapchat. If it's a payg you can have settings via the phone provider to block specific sites.

Fairly sure you can't change the settings so she only receives calls from specific numbers etc. May be worth reverting to a very basic phone so she can call if an emergency, but can't get onto social media. Having said that. It wouldn't stop her using an account on her friends device/school pcs.

I would definitely speak to the school. Do they have any counselling services? This girl doesn't sound like a good influence and you dds recent internet activity sounds sinister. The school definitely need to be aware that this girl is bullying your dd and (possibly) forcing your dd to bully another child. I really hope is isn't anything like the blue whale stuff. Elland that sounds horrendous. .

Was going to also enquire about the possibility of school counsellor. The school should also have links with the police or similar group which can advise on internet safety and responsibilities - maybe suggest to the headteacher something is possibly going round pupils atm?
I think you're going to have to crack down on the phone usage again and straight out tell her you will be accessing accounts, with sanctions (grounding? internet privileges?) for poor behaviour /use. It's not like you haven't been through this with her already... Put keylogger on if necessary. I might get flamed for that, but if my dh's life was possibly at risk and this could give me a heads up, I'd do it in a flash.

I would be really worried also if this were my child. And actually, I would go in all guns blazing.

Confiscating the phone is difficult as she may need to call you in an emergency. There used to be phones you could buy where you can only call 'Mom' and 'Dad', for example. Do these still exist?

I think you should ban her from speaking to this other child with severe consequences.

I would not buy into this nonsense by engaging the school counsellor.

But then I would try to balance this by planning some activities that she would enjoy with you. Cinema? Holiday? She needs to know that her behavior is unacceptable but that you still love her and enjoy spending time with her.

Also, can you send her with a packed lunch? Then she won't need money.

I would not buy into this nonsense by engaging the school counsellor.

I suggested the counsellor because it sounds like ops dd needs some tools to deal with the bullying and it would be very useful to have an onsite contact to discuss inappropriate behaviour. And because she's lying to try to fit in. Not because I think her dd is necessarily suicidal. Her dd has some additional needs and is therefore vulnerable.

Re phones- I've previously worked in a care of the elderly dementia setting and you can get pre programmed phones that only dial say 3 numbers plus emergency services- I don't think they even have text facility if you want to remove phone but not leave her without any means of contacting you?

Hi

I'm not sure how many of these phones are still available but this is something to look at...

roogirl.com/35-cell-phones-for-kids/

Most are locked so you can only call preset numbers and a few also have a "restricted number" function so you can say they can only spend 10 minutes a day calling a number for example.

In terms of the 'bigger picture' I think it's important that you talk to your daughter but I also think you should get some help to do it. 14 is a very difficult age for a girl (as I'm sure we all remember) so you don't want to push her away and further towards her friend. You mentioned she's had issues in the past, does she have a social worker/ safe-guarding contact who can help?

I also meant to say, if not - guidance councillors at school can help put you in touch.

One of the first things they might recommend is some community after school activities with other children of the same age?
are there any sports or hobbies she has shown an interest in? Something to bring her back from the darkness of her friend?

Agree mummy. A friend's dc recently started self harming, the school counsellor was useful in helping her approach the matter with dc. A lot of the suicidal stuff is often repeated from what they have heard elsewhere, I'm not suggesting that OP's daughter is actually suicidal and needs counselling about that herself. However, a school counsellor should also be able to give advice on the bullying and internet aspects, knowing what is happening with other young people in the same environment.

Sounds like the blue whale 'craze/game'
There was an email around my work yesterday. Someone linked to it above.
Advice is talk to the child about how to say no and to contact NSPCC (parent) or Childline (child)

FOR PARENTS: How to talk about peer pressure

1. Create the right situation: Make sure you both have time to talk, the atmosphere is relaxed, and remember that this is a conversation, not an interrogation.
2. Listen:
Avoid solely talking at them. Listen to their concerns and their experiences.
3. Acknowledge their worries:
Dismissing their feelings will only shut down the conversation and make them reluctant to talk about what’s bothering them.
4. Help them practise ways of saying no:
Rehearsing with them ways to stand up to peer pressure and coming up with alternatives for them will build their confidence.
5. Keep the conversation going:
Let them know that they can always come to you if they have more worries, and take an interest in how they get on saying “no”. Any adult who wants advice on how to talk to their child about peer pressure can contact the NSPCCC Helpline on 0808 800 50000.

Sorry Mummy, that wasn't a criticism of your advice. She may well benefit from counseling as a separate issue, but I feel that this behavior requires a firm hand. Not literally, obvs.

So if your child was self harming or planning to, Mythical, you would just take them to the cinema? Then it would all be better? You wouldn't attempt to address the issue?