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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone up please, just read some of dds texts and horrified

62 replies

Shockedandhopeless · 06/05/2017 01:27

Namechanged

Firstly before anyone slates me dd has some mild additional needs and has a history of doing something really silly on the Internet when younger while at a friend's house on two occasions resulting in a ban and then Internet only where she could be seen hence I still worry about her staying safe given she can access the Internet at school and friends.

She is now 14 and has a phone which she needs due to the journey length she makes and I thought I had educated her enough to give her another chance now she's older although I still randomly check.

Anyway tonight she left her phone open and I thought I would have a quick check given her history and the way she has been behaving out of character recently and I'm horrified.

A couple of months ago a new girl also with some additional needs started at dds school and they became friends and have been texting.

The girl has said stuff about her parents so dd has made up horrible stuff about me and told the other child full on horrible lies.

The girl had put about killing herself so
Dd made up some lie about something I have done as to her reason and said she's going to kill herself because of it.

She's really vile about me in general including completely mocking about me saying I was going to go back to uni.

They are basically being horrible to another girl in school (which makes me furious as dd has been bullied in the past and suffered horribly)

There is some conversation about this other girl giving dd rules that she must stick to and dd asking repeatedly what the rules are.

But the worst is there is some conversation about marks on arms, another friend of dds had been questioned at school about self harming and the new girl had been doing it too.
Dd has I've just discovered been scratching her arm with a compass.

What the hell do I do.

OP posts:
DrunkUnicorn · 06/05/2017 07:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueDaBaDee · 06/05/2017 07:35

Sorry, the blue whale game is what came into my head too.

Quickieat2 · 06/05/2017 07:56

csn you go for a walk and calmly explain what you've found and ask her nicely what's going on. You're worried about how she's changed since meeting the girl. Then ask why she's making up stuff about you and get to the bottom of the rules. How does she think she can move forward and resolve this?

Delete any dodgy apps and tell DD you will be daily openly checking her phone and when she has proved herself trustworthy and has solid relationships with nicer kids you will stop. But this could take a long time. You pay for the phone and she's under 16/18 so it is ineffect your property.

Then speak to pastoral care and the form teacher. Explain you think the new relationship has been very negative for your DD. Explain why.

OP is your DD high functioning autism? Because it would be quite typical for a girl with ASD to mimic behaviour. Best talk to DD and school staff about making better choices of friends.

Also encourage other positive relationships. Ask her which nice girls she likes and encourage meet ups.

Desperateforsleepzzzz · 06/05/2017 07:57

I would confiscate phone and tell her why , tell her your worried and alarmed and that the phone can be earnt back with trust but she has proved herself to be untrustworthy. What are these rules?

Quickieat2 · 06/05/2017 07:58

Yes and defiantly mention the game and rules to pastoral

RJnomore1 · 06/05/2017 08:03

Blue whale came to mind for me too. We had an email at work as well.

Even if not it's an unhealthy friendship. I think you do need to talk directly to her particularly the lies about you as well as the self harming. God advice already up there on how to do it.

Flowers
babynugget · 06/05/2017 08:05

I was coming on to say Blue Whale Challenge too but glad PP's got there first. OP please read up about it. She may not be directly in 'the game' it doesn't sound like she is but it does sound like this other child's actions have been influenced by it or something similar. This must be terribly worrying and heartbreaking for you but there is a whole network of support you can tap into, many good suggestions upthread already. Please do not try to deal with this alone. Your DD is lucky she's got you looking out for her and she will thank you one day.

Emboo19 · 06/05/2017 08:27

Don't go in guns blazing.
That's a sure fire way to push her even closer to this friend.
Confiscating her phone and banning her from speaking to her friend won't work, unless you're also planning on keeping her home from school, she will still see her and if the looking online isn't at home, she'll look on her friends phone.
She sounds like she needs help not punishment.

Definitely speak to the school. I'm not sure in this case if it might be better for someone at school (or a family member she's close to) to speak to your dd about it, rather than you.
Obviously I don't know the dynamics of your relationship, but it sounds like she's demonising you and what ever you say may well reinforce that in her mind.

I'd also make an appointment with your gp.

I know it's so much easier said than done. But don't blame yourself op and don't take the things she's saying about you to heart.

Littleraincloud · 06/05/2017 08:29

I acted a little like this at the same age but 15 years ago. I thought I was depressed and scratched myself quite badly with a compass several times, I even wrote suicide notes and then binned them and spoke about wanting to die. It was strange though in hindsight because my best friend acted in exactly the same way. It was a very intense friendship and we messaged one another constantly on msn, MySpace and phone which I suppose was yesterdays Snapchat . I cut my hair short and refused to wash. We were constantly in one anothers conpany. This lasted several years. It disintegrated with a combination of a falling out with the friend and listening to less depressing music and watching less horror films. To adults this sounds obvious but to a teen it felt like these things simply fitted with how I felt. Remove your DSD from the friendship by distracting her with something extremely interesting to her and keep an eye on if her interests have changed. In my case my parents started taking me cycling every saturday and didn't give me a choice and on a Sunday we went walking or swimming. The reason they used was that we were getting unhealthy in reality it was so I had little opportunity to chat to the girl. Simple but it worked!

Littleraincloud · 06/05/2017 08:30

Also obviously talk to school

MythicalChicken · 06/05/2017 08:31

RubbishMantra, I probably would not go the counsellor route. I would try to deal with it myself as the child's parent. I honestly have never seen anybody get better through counseling.

I would deal with the problem directly: take away the phone, ban all contact with the other girl and take it from there.

MythicalChicken · 06/05/2017 08:32

In my case my parents started taking me cycling every saturday and didn't give me a choice and on a Sunday we went walking or swimming. The reason they used was that we were getting unhealthy in reality it was so I had little opportunity to chat to the girl. Simple but it worked!

That's a great strategy. Well done to your parents.

Ferrisday · 06/05/2017 08:34

The phone really isn't the problem here.
There's a much bigger picture
You need to talk to you daughter, see Calyx post further up, you need to talk to the other parents and you need to talk to the school.
These girls need help asap

Original poster
Shockedandhopeless · 06/05/2017 09:26

I have just read the Blue Whale Game

Apologies for swearing but ffs.

I have found photographs on her phone of the marks on her arm.

Silly silly silly girl

I have taken her phone for now, I have a 'brick' phone she can use although I might get one of those phones mentioned above where you can only dial pre dialied numbers.

I feel sick :(

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 06/05/2017 09:41

I work in a secondary school Mythical and have seen many, many children helped beyond measure by counselling. Sometimes the parents lack the skills to deal, sometimes the situation is so complex it needs professionals.
The school need to know, mainly because there is a safeguarding issue. I do agree with giving her (non negotiable) alternative activities. But, beware of her then rushing to this girl with tales of being forced apart. I can't go into detail but we have a similar problem at school, all staff were made aware that the parties were not to sit together, any perceived child protection issue at all had to be reported immediately. Make your concerns heard op, and good luck.

Whisky2014 · 06/05/2017 10:21

I agree with the PP it's this Russian game that's about to sweep UK. Russians have killed their selves following the rules.

ptumbi · 06/05/2017 10:32

You can get a phone that has no Internet access.

Talk to the school - they must have safeguarding procedures in place, and Internet safety is a big problem now.

Talk to her about how this could go - police, hospital, suicide, this girl defriending her, her getting into trouble for bullying and how the other girl may feel - all eventualities.

Whisky2014 · 06/05/2017 11:11

itsall first link says unproven and I haven't checked 2nd one yet but even if adults know it's fake this does not stop kids buying In to it. Making up their own rules as they go. If they see a snippet of the game in daily mail as I did then take it to the playground, something bigger happens and what was fake is no longer fake.

GurlwiththeCurl · 06/05/2017 11:14

Agree that the Blue Whale issue is a hoax and being whipped up with no substantiated information. Here is a very authoritative article:

philbradley.typepad.com/phil_bradleys_weblog/2017/04/blue-whale-suicide-game-or-hoax.html

Whisky2014 · 06/05/2017 11:17

But something that started as fake can become real.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 06/05/2017 11:18

they see a snippet of the game in daily mail as I did then take it to the playground, something bigger happens and what was fake is no longer fake.

Yup, and that it is why it is so irresponsible to post/publish stories like these without first checking them.

user1471456357 · 06/05/2017 11:22

She will feel punished if you take her phone, that can't have a good outcome.

FreeNiki · 06/05/2017 12:37

She will feel punished if you take her phone, that can't have a good outcome.

So she shouldn't be punished for making up abusive stories re her mother?

Her mum pays the bill for her to do that.

SandyY2K · 06/05/2017 12:50

I think you should inform the school about the bullying towards the other girl.

My DD was bullied at a certain time and it brought me to tears.

I'd also speak to the school about the other girl, raising a safeguarding concern. There is a chance she's making all that stuff up, just like your DD is, but with the suicide threats I'd definitely speak to the Head of the school.

Regarding your DD, her lies remind me of when you get a woman complaining about her DH, then another woman joins in complaining when none of her complaint are true. It's just going along with it and somehow foolishly feeling guilty for having a good marriage and in your DDs case is for having a good mum.

If you are going to speak to her about it, you should make her aware of how dangerous lies like that are and that it could result in an investigation, while she could be taken into the care of social services as a result of her false allegations.