Why did he betray me like this?

[user1493889010]

My long-term partner (from what he has said soon to be fiance) and I go on a break (he pushes for this) after he comes home from a night out and we have an argument. We agree that we are not going to see other people on this break and that it is just to think about the relationship and get some space.

I leave him in our house as he has two dogs which he is not able to take back to his mothers. So I agreed to go back to my parents even though I really didn't want this break at all. During the break he was incredibly cold, distant and rude at times.

Three weeks later there had been no breakthrough on his part. However I am still paying half the rent so I decided I want to go back to the house.

Not long after arriving back he collapses on the floor in tears and says he just wants us to get back together.

However after getting back together I started to find out what had been going on during this so called break.

He met a girl the at a club the night he came home and said he wanted to go on a break, he kissed her and took her number. This same girl he was with consistently during our break. They slept together in our home numerous times and had cosy nights in eating take-aways. He took her on many dates; London dungeon, aquarium, nice restaurants, cinema, bars/pubs, clubbing. Yes all in 3 weeks!!!!

Now when I found out who this girl was I was shocked! She wasn't what I was expecting at all. I know this sounds shallow but I think this is one of the few occasions you can bring looks into play.

Now I'm no model by any stretch of the imagination but this girl is noticeably a lot less attractive to the point it leaves people either speechless or confused (even his own mother who kept saying 'are you sure that's her she's awful, it can't be her').

Yet in 3 weeks he managed to wine and dine her like he has never done for me. Why?

Why did this girl get all the excitement, surprises and romance and I got nothing even after putting up with his crap for years and still sticking by him and loving him?

You might think then maybe it's personality or that I was a horrible girlfriend but I was the most loving, loyal, kind and faithful girlfriend to him which he won't deny. We had a great sex life, we always have a laugh and enjoy each other's company.

It doesn't make sense, it's driving me mad. No one understands not my friends, family, his family no one!

His excuse: 'I can't deal with breakups, I need someone to help me take my mind of the pain I'm feeling. Do you honestly think I would ever make that my bird? Look at her. It could have been anyone. Just to get me through until either we get back together again or I get over the pain and can be single again'

Is that all just a load of nonsense did he actually fall for this girl?

While I was trying to find out what went on I contacted her and she helped me to fill in all the gaps and I her about what went had actually happened. It turned out she believed he was single and had been for a while. She sent me a screenshot of a message he had sent her after he had got back with me saying:

'and that's why I have effing feelings for you because you're literally quality. I owe it to L* to give it another go but it's not because I don't like you or anything dumb like that, but anyway take care and I if you ever need me I am here. I hope it's not the last time we ever meet'

His excuse:

'I was just being a dog and trying to keep her there because after you found out what happened I didn't think it would last and needed something to fall back on'

Turned out he told her lots of lies which hurt me for instance that I had threatened suicide to get him back and that he had been forced, when the truth was that he had collapsed outside our bathroom in floods of tears the day I had come home asking if we could get back together and I had no idea what had gone on.

I just feel like an idiot so humiliated and hurt.

Don't men treat the girl they love better? Yet he still doesn't really take me anywhere, he still isn't romantic or surprise me. It feels like another woman stole my partner for 3 weeks and got the very best out of him. They got the him that I have earned after all these years and the hell he has put me through.

Nothing terrible happened in our relationship and I have never wronged him in any way so why would he do something so nasty as bring her into my home and sleep with her in my bed and take her to all the places I wish he took me? It seems like he was purposefully being nasty and trying to hurt. Why?

It doesn't make sense.

Please someone tell me what's going on here because he won't.

No one has to sugar coat anything I want the cold hard truth whatever it is.

Thank you in advance.

It was him who wanted the break Uppity.

He sounds like an utter shit. Not just for his actions, but for the way he speaks about other people. No fucking way would I stick around

If you don't value yourself and don't have standards, this is what you end up with, you should spend some time on your own now and learn from this, learn you are worth so much more.

Its all very simple really. He wanted to shag another woman and found someone who was willing, he got you out of the house to facilitate this. He scratched his itch now he wants his cosy relationship back. Till the itch returns. For gods sake dump this selfish loser and find a partner who really respects and loves you.

He meets a woman in a bar, comes home and immediately gets you to move out, so he can bring the new woman into the house and have a fling with her?!? Oh my. He's not a good person at all.

He sounds repulsive. How dare he refer to a woman as 'that.' He is a liar, cheat, and uses women along for his own ends.

Why would you lower yourself to denigrate this other woman's looks when it is your boyfriend who told her he was single and strung her along for 3 weeks? Is he really such a prize that you want to fight for him, attacking another woman's appearance whilst doing so?

Whatever caused the break is actually irrelevant now. He has shown his true colours. To you and to the other woman. What a shit he's been. And if he can bullshit her to keep her sweet he can do the same to you. He's quite calculating and selfish. Definitely not worth your time. Get rid. Youll be glad you did.

Beautiful South song mentioned earlier:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=qoZ99pfBBXY

I agree with sarcasm.

I'm sorry he's done this to you but bloody hell that poor girl!

You say he's been nasty in the way he's treated you which yes you're right, but your attitude towards this woman who has done absolutely nothing wrong says a lot about your nastiness too I'm afraid. Does it matter what she looks like? He obviously thought not considering he done everything with her that he didn't with you, so perhaps you're the shallow one here??

I'm sorry you're going through a shit time and I hope you sort things out if that's what you want but perhaps reconsider your own attitude a bit

Are you still with him? Because if you are, I honestly can't think of any words

Hi SarcasmMode,

I would feel sorry for the other girl but I think it's also important to note that for months afterwards she was trying to contact him knowing we were together knowing what he had done. He told me eventually and she also admitted this but I didn't think this was important because I wanted advice on my relationship with him and it wasn't an important factor.

Therefore, in my opinion trying to break up a relationship isn't what any half decent woman would do either!

Furthermore, my clothes and most of my possessions were still at the house while she was dating him, our pictures up on the wall. She told me it made her feel awkward. I would have thought common sense would suggest the guy is cheating on his girlfriend with you.

So I don't want her to be painted like some kind of innocent victim here. However, I am not really concerned with her my problem is with him.

Are you going to stay with this shit?

My long-term partner (from what he has said soon to be fiance)

Do you have any actual say in this relationship or does he just decide everything, having him as your fiancée, wow, what a catch he is.

I hope you wise up OP and stop using OW to blame someone, there's only one person at fault here and it's not her or you.

How can you have any respect for him or yourself to carry on in this Jeremy Kyle style relationship.

For months afterwards - so when did all this actually take place OP?

Fwiw, i think you come over as quite sneery in tone and writing style.

Are you looking to strangers on the internet for validation of your feelings towards your massive knobhead boyfriend? Why is that?

SparklingRaspberry

Women who try and destroy relationships knowingly even if they have fallen for the guy are not deserving of pity in my opinion.

Yes you are correct looks aren't important but when it comes to infidelity whether people admit it or not if you have been cheated on it kills your self-esteem and confidence.

When you sit there for months and months trying to figure out what you did wrong, why your not good enough, attractive enough, sexy enough, pretty enough. You build this image in your head of this other woman being so much better than you physically.

When you finally find out she's not it is even more confusing because now you have no tangible reason that he left you. You had convinced yourself that he found someone better than you (and i'm sorry after an hour or so in a club looks are all you have to go by) but now you know that's not the case you don't even have a reason.

Hence why i'm here.

To your question about us being together we are on and off and it doesn't look like it will last.

It took place last year. This has been going on for about a year.

Do you honestly think I would ever make that my bird

Well. That phrase alone would make everything easy because I would have not one shred of affection or respect left for him and all the memories of anything that was ever good would be gone. I was going to say it's the cherry on the cake but it isn't, it shows what the cake is made of, and someone who says that kind of phrase is someone you can expect to behave the way he has behaved.

Good grief, why are you giving this knob any of your time, or head space? He's shown you what a little shit he is, and you are being a door mat. He shagged another woman in your bed. Does it get any worse than that?

StereophonicallyChallenged

I think you are being a little bit rude if I am honest and i'm not quite sure why.

However, I will answer your question. Of course I am looking for strangers opinions on my relationship. Isn't anyone who starts a thread on a relationship forum? I have been wondering and thinking and mulling over in my own head for far too long and it is nice to hear what other people have to say.

Why would you ask that question? If my story or my tone annoys you don't read what I have written or respond.

If you have anything constructive to add I will gladly listen but if not please cease from throwing insults.

Huskylover1

I am being a doormat I know this and so does he. I need to woman up and get some bloody strength from somewhere.

urgh... let him have her, let her have him (poor woman)

she deserves better than that dog, as do you.

I don't like men who can't be alone. There is always something fundamently wrong with them that they won't ever address.

It took place last year.

To your question about us being together we are on and off and it doesn't look like it will last.
*
He really has his cake and eats it. You've accepted this a year ago and it's still on and off? I suspect he's not showing you the remorse and transparency you deserve then?

And I was right, he has kept in touch with her since. Please do not blame her though. She owes you nothing. He does and he's given you nothing but disrespect and hurt.

Look at your last line. It doesn't look like it will last. You sound like you're still not sure. He's calling every single shot in this relationship.

Good luck, OP. I don't think you'll do anything other than stay with him. A man who can do that and get away with it will only continue to do so, as you've already allowed him to. I would bs interested if he stayed away from her (or others he found in clubs) on the offs/ other breaks you've had over the last year.

Sorry I cannot answer individually to everything that has been written.

I think this is why I came here I need to experience other people saying the same things which I think.

The past year has made me very unhappy and worn me down I think to a point where I do not really recognise the strong person I used to be. I need to wake the f* up and take some control back over my life because this is embarrassing. I should have left him the moment I found out.

On a break? What does that even mean, other than the person who suggested it wants to break up but hasn't got the guts to say it. Does " on a break" mean " OK to shag someone else" or maybe " I'll see if someone better comes along, in fact there's someone I've got my eye on, but I'll keep you hanging on just in case it doesn't work out".
Whatever, it's completely for his convenience and disrespectful to you. And I can't imagine why you would agree to it.
He sounds awful, horrible to you and his new girlfriend, and a liar too.
Lucky you've seen him for what he is, a user. Get rid, if you haven't already - he's shown his true character.

Sounds like you are getting there though OP, easy for us to sit and judge but honestly, I am sure you can meet a much nicer man that won't do these things to you; he's not the only man in the world and he's definitely not the one so why waste any more time.

I think the majority of people have some decisions we've made that we can look back on and see that they were bad ones. That is human. Don't waste more time and energy on beating yourself up about it or feeling embarrassed. Use it to energise yourself and learn from it. You can change this for the better now.