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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's like a f***ing child!!

104 replies

MarshallandChase · 04/05/2017 08:51

AAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHH!!!!!

Seriously need to rant!

My boyfriend is so lazy! We live together and have a DS who's 3. He works full time (60+ hours a week) and I'm a SAHM.

The last few weeks we've been arguing because I keep asking him to pick up after himself. Not help me clean or cook. Just pick up after himself.
For example, not chucking your shoes anywhere you feel like when you come home. Or if you have a use snack, don't leave the fucking wrapper on the floor.
Or when you've had a use shower, don't fling your towel a used dirty underwear WHEREVER YOU LIKE. (Honestly he'll fling his wet towel over the door, over the sofa, on the floor...)

We had a serious talk yesterday about it because I'm at the end of my tether. I was shouting and crying and told him it's like I live with 2 toddlers and I can't cope with it much longer. I'm not asking to him to come home from work and scrub the bathroom until it shines. I just want him to be a fucking adult.

Anyway he left for work before me and DS got up this morning, I went downstairs and it's like I haven't mentioned a word about it to him.

His shoes are in the middle of the lounge, his wet towel is over the high chair, the ironing board is up with the iron still plugged in. He's made a mess in the kitchen, coffee beans and sugar everywhere.

AIBU to go up the wall??

He drives me insane.

OP posts:
pansydePotter · 04/05/2017 16:15

It means stay at home not slave at home. There is an arrogance to this behaviour that says "I am too busy and important to clear up for myself. That's what my partner is for".

BeMorePanda · 04/05/2017 16:16

LadyDawn If I may ask, what is your current relationship status
I'm going to guess, Doormat!

BarbarianMum · 04/05/2017 16:21

We used to argue about the fact that he works long hours but because he's so obsessed with making money he'll go in to get extra commission etc. It's just who he is. And I can't complain about that because I don't contribute financially and I feel guilty about that.

Of course you can complain if he is making more money than you actually need as a couple - and at the expense of your marriage and home life.

If you actually need every penny he's bringing in to get by, then you have two choices: put up w the status quo, or you go back to work part time (use your free childcare allowance) to allow him to do less.

If you don't actually need every penny though - and its probably worth an in depth financial planning discussion to work out what you do actually need - then him cutting back is entirely doable. You don't have to accept "this is just who he is". Who he is is a husband and father, not just a provider.

Imi22sleeping · 04/05/2017 16:25

My dh does 60hrs a week he still tidies up and cooks and cleans he even thanka me for tidying upbfor washing the clothes and im a sahm we work togther

SandyY2K · 04/05/2017 16:27

Working long hours isn't an excuse not to clean up after yourself.

I know some may view it as trivial, but my DH used to do this with the dishes. Dump dishes and mugs in the sink as if they'd magically wash themselves.

So I asked him exactly who did he think he was leaving them for, because I'm not a maid and he was fully capable of washing dishes when he had his own flat.

I remember a couple of occasions where I refused to wash up after him and would just wash the stuff I used. The sink piled up, overflowing and I asked when he was going to wash up, as each and every item in the sink was used by him.

He looked shocked and I told him that I deliberately left it, so he could see how it piled up. He then proceeded to wash up, saying it's no big deal.

At one point I bought paper plates and said he could use those or wash up.

Dishes piled in the sink is a pet hate of mine.

TheWeeWitch · 04/05/2017 16:36

I've had to "train" my husband out of this kind of behaviour. Mine freely admits his Mummy made him that way through being a fussy overbearing smothery mothery type who happily spends her life sorting out everyone's shit for them. It doesn't work like that in our house ; )

I've sent him pictures of his mess before - I've emailed photos of his towel left on the bed, his pants from yesterday etc. to his work email address. It had an impact for sure.

I think the box idea is fab. I'm keeping it in mind should OH ever revert.

Wormulonian · 04/05/2017 16:57

he'll make it seem like I'm really going OTT over a towel and a pair of shoes.

Yes, he may look at it like that and it will sound petty. But these little things build resentment upon resentment until you have the "death by a thousand cuts" of your relationship. I think you probably feel he is not listening to or respecting you if he won't do these tiny things to please you, especially if you feel you do a myriad of small services and things each day to please him and make life easier for him. You asked him to tidy up and he didn't - and implied the house was untidy! to shift the blame to you (and compare you to his sainted mother?).

If you were all happy and loved up with one another I bet the towel on the sofa or floor would be a minor annoyance but not a big issue. So, what is going wrong? Is he being passive aggressive and punishing you, do you feel he sees you as the "housekeeper" in HIS house (not YOUR home) since he "pays for it", a mother not hhis sexy gf,do you feel he no longer wants to "please" you or cherish you - what would need to change ? e.g.Spend more time at home, date nights, family days out at the weekend, a chore rota.

You do contribute to the family finances by being a 24/7 carer, cleaner, cook and maid of all work enabling him to lead the life and do the work that appeals to the person he is - jeez - just think what that would cost!

happypoobum · 04/05/2017 17:03

You are not his maid.

You have told him repeatedly how unhappy it makes you and he clearly doesn't give a fuck.

I would try one last time and if he still showed such a disrespectful shitty attitude I am afraid I would be off. Then he would have to live in his own squalor or run home to mummy

Akire · 04/05/2017 17:15

I don't care how many hours someone works you don't throw food wrapper on the floor just because you are to tierd. Or drop wet towel over furniture or leave dirty clothes anywhere. If he was single he'd have to pick them up when he got home.
Presable you don't live in a mansion and walking wrappers to a bin or clothes to the washing basket isn't going take more than 30seconds, it's just disrespect.

JK1773 · 04/05/2017 17:15

You are not being unreasonable! My ex did this! ALL the time. We had no DC and I worked longer hours than him. Stuff left out everywhere, on the rare occasion he cooked or made a sandwich kitchen would be like a tornado had gone through it and he never cleaned up. He chucked his washing down his side of the bed and used to actually put it in separate piles of coloured and whites. How grateful I was Hmm

P1nkP0ppy · 04/05/2017 17:28

Dh was like this until the day I carried out my threat of chucking everything of his out of the window (raining too).
His mother would even get up if he came in at 2 in the morning to cook him a meal she was also a bloody martyr and I soon dissuaded her about that once we were married (she thought I was a dreadful person for working and not giving him three cooked meals a day!)
Why are some men so bloody disgusting?

MyOpe · 04/05/2017 17:38

What Akire said. Sweet wrappers chucked on the floor - just weird. I'd ask him if he thought that was normal tbh.

I like manbox idea too.

Original poster
MarshallandChase · 04/05/2017 18:12

He's on his way home, he just text to let me know.

Need to organise my thoughts and words. I don't really want an argument as there's clearly no point in me asking him again to pick up after himself.

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 04/05/2017 18:16

My DH did this so I threw everything he left lying around in a box that I had shoved down his side of his bed.

Anything and everything went into that box....his post, his clothes, half eaten bits of food, plates, cutlery, shoes....the list goes on. I couldn't be arsed with tidying up after him so it all went in his "Box of Crap" for him to deal with when he got home.

PaintingOwls · 04/05/2017 18:29

DP did the wet towel thing so I started leaving them on his side of the bed and pillow. He called me passive aggressive but stopped doing it.

OP I think you're going to have a fight on your hands.

Mumof3dogs · 04/05/2017 18:30

It's kinda scary how many man children there seem to be out there - I thought mine was a rarity!
As a mum of older kids it's not a good role model either as both my boys are pretty lazy unlike my daughter who has passed the living in a slum phase! 😂

TurnipCake · 04/05/2017 18:33

The symptom is him being a lazy arsehole

The disease is ingrained misogyny.

I don't think any talking or pleading will get through to him because he'll just see it as the little woman being a nag

Look after yourself and your son. His shite can go in a bin liner

Zaphodsotherhead · 04/05/2017 18:35

I tried not doing the washing for my XH, leaving all his shirts where he let them drop. Until he ran out...

..went apeshit, told me to get them washed (he did take them to the machine, and, apparently, that was him being reasonable). So I had to wash, dry and iron a huge quantity of workshirts all at once, instead of just a few a day.

This is just to illustrate that leaving their washing doesn't always give them a 'lightbulb' moment - it can just reinforce their view that you are a "lazy cow" who does nothing.

Mine is very firmly an X, and this was just one of the reasons...

ptumbi · 04/05/2017 18:42

OP (and LadyDawn Hmm) - if this led to divorce (and it could, quite easily) he'd have no one to pick up after himself, he'd still have to pay child maintenance, and possibly spousal maintenance, and he'd probab;y have to cut back his hours to look after his own child EOW.

It makes sense to fucking pick up after himself NOW.

ptumbi · 04/05/2017 18:44

And I'd stop 'asking', 'pleading' or 'nagging'; I'd start telling. And if it doesn't work, there will be consequences. Tell him what they'll be (Box of Crap, charity shop) and be sure to follow through.

PollytheDolly · 04/05/2017 18:51

He's not just being lazy and untidy, he's being bloody-minded, selfish and a twat.

My DH works bloody hard 50 hours a week, crap hours. I do 15 over 3?days a week. Just us and the dog so I do nearly all household chores but he is incredibly tidy and respectful of how I keep our home. The ultimate word "respect".

I'd do the bin bag thing.

Then a bonfire.

Deux · 04/05/2017 18:57

OP are you married as you refer to your partner as boyfriend?

I think you need to have a really good think about your situation as you're more vulnerable if you're unmarried. Are you both on mortgage/deeds etc.

Do some practical thinking. If your relationship is a long term one then get married.

NellieFiveBellies · 04/05/2017 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PollytheDolly · 04/05/2017 18:58

I'm surprised so many people are agreeing with you on this.In my opinion, you are the one that sounds like a child...
Cut your poor husband some slack. He sounds incredibly hard working. It sounds ridiculous to me to argue over a wet towel, a pair of shoes, and some coffee granules. Who cares? I am sure he is a wonderful man, so why would you let yourself get upset over such trivial things? Are you trying to drive him away? It sounds like you argue a lot. Does he want to come home if you keep arguing?

Oh god.

Have a biscuit Biscuit

FiftyShadesOfDuckEggBlue · 04/05/2017 19:11

It's disrespectful behaviour, plain and simple.

Threaten him that next time it happens you and DS will go spend a couple of nights in a hotel, and if he doesn't get himself sorted you'll have to go live on your own (not splitting up). Tried it in the past, worked like charm.

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