He's like a f***ing child!!

[MarshallandChase]

AAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHH!!!!!

Seriously need to rant!

My boyfriend is so lazy! We live together and have a DS who's 3. He works full time (60+ hours a week) and I'm a SAHM.

The last few weeks we've been arguing because I keep asking him to pick up after himself. Not help me clean or cook. Just pick up after himself.
For example, not chucking your shoes anywhere you feel like when you come home. Or if you have a use snack, don't leave the fucking wrapper on the floor.
Or when you've had a use shower, don't fling your towel a used dirty underwear WHEREVER YOU LIKE. (Honestly he'll fling his wet towel over the door, over the sofa, on the floor...)

We had a serious talk yesterday about it because I'm at the end of my tether. I was shouting and crying and told him it's like I live with 2 toddlers and I can't cope with it much longer. I'm not asking to him to come home from work and scrub the bathroom until it shines. I just want him to be a fucking adult.

Anyway he left for work before me and DS got up this morning, I went downstairs and it's like I haven't mentioned a word about it to him.

His shoes are in the middle of the lounge, his wet towel is over the high chair, the ironing board is up with the iron still plugged in. He's made a mess in the kitchen, coffee beans and sugar everywhere.

AIBU to go up the wall??

He drives me insane.

You're a SAHM, not a drudge. Tidying up after yourself and not leaving a mess everywhere is just basic courtesy and respect. This is not a partnership with two different roles. It is a complete lack of respect and appreciation on his part. It means he thinks he has paid for your services as if you were a maid.

It is horrid.

Ask his mummy if she'll take him back under guarantee!

I'm a SAHM. I've got a rotten head cold at the mo, DH was out at his hobby till 9pm so I had no help. I was in bed by the time he got in. Came down this morning to all of his plates/mugs/bowls from last night and this morning (6 fecking mugs) and it's all stacked lovely and neatly NEXT to the empty dishwasher. The bin is overflowing, chopping board out dirty and sugar all over the worktop. I literally could explode I am so angry. And to top it all, I got our DD to get me a box of cereal yesterday as I don't feel hungry at mo due to no taste and he's fecking eaten half of it. My 4 year old grandson makes less mess

when he is looking for something tell him it's in his toy box

This ^

So your MIL despises you and it looks like her son is pretty much heading down the same road, essentially?

Zero respect. Mummy gets respect but you don't. He knows perfectly well how to do basic picking up after himself but it doesn't even enter his head that he needs to do that now, as ther's no-one in the house he lives in who he respects and cares for enough to bother.

It's a real big red flag for the future, a bit like your MIL. She hates you - does he call her out on this? Does she get to spend time with your son if she refuses to give you basic respect; if so, why?

Probably sounds a bit dramatic but things like this would really make me think long and hard over whether this would be the family group I'd want for myself, or the dynamics I'd want my child to see.

My grandmother had no respect for my mother, and dripped that into my ears every time we saw her alone. It was not a good thing - for anyone's relationship.

He's treating you like a housekeeper

Just stop doing anything for him

60+ hours a week is a huge number of hours. Is this typical? When I did similar hours I pretty much dragged myself into my clothes in the morning, out of them in the evening and dropped things where they fell because I was shattered constantly. Luckily I lived alone. I don't honestly think you can call a person with that sort of workload lazy. Coukd he drop his hours to something more normal if you went back to work? He'd have more energy for housework to be sure.

Some mess I tolerate and some I don't.

He leaves a mess before going to work. This doesn't bother me. He is in a rush because he would rather have a snooze and that's fair enough. Those few minutes it takes to tidy would mean he is a few mins late and I'd rather him have a longer sleep.

When he is home from work however he has to tidy up after himself like after bath. He doesn't do it immediately but he will do it.

I am a SAHM too. He also does a good deep clean of our home some weekends although he does 40hrs and 60hrs!

Yeah I was all ready to say, cut him a bit of a break, those are really long hours. But then as I read on I saw you're only really expecting the most basic level of human manners from him at this point.

This.

He's not really lazy, he works extremely hard for our family. But he gets home and switches his brain off. He doesn't have chores at home, he hasn't cooked or done the washing up in years. He will sometimes iron, but that involves ironing one shirt for the next day/that day.
He will sometimes take DS to bed if he's home on time, but that's a 5 min job as our DS is quite independent, will brush teeth by himself and gets into bed for a bedtime story, he's good as gold bless him.

I haven't heard from him since this morning when I replied to his text saying I don't know why I waste my energy asking him to clean up after himself over and over.

I have put his shoes and towel etc in a big cardboard box labelled 'daddy's messy box'. I won't tell him about it until he's looking for something.

Take your child and go to a hotel or self catered accommodation for a few days. Tell him you'll come back when he agrees to be tidier

Exactly what I was going to suggest. Let him clean up after himself.

I'm also loving the messy box idea. Just throw it all in.

After 12 hours a day he might not have much brain left to switch off. Yes of course he should be more considerate but are you not worried about him working so long? It's not really healthy or sustainable.

BarbarianMum we have had endless discussion about him working so much. He's a bit of a workaholic, he doesn't need to be at work until 8.30 but gets there for 7.45, he finishes work at 6pm but he sometimes stays until 8, I understand these are the demands of the job but he will go in on his days off to sort stuff out when he could easily get someone else to do it for him.

Are they the demands of the job though? Really?

My alarm bells ring when I hear of blokes treating their DPs/DWs like divvies, doing extra long hours at work and being emotionally or even physically absent at weekends; classic "I've checked out of this relationship" hallmarks.

That may not be the case here though OP, I'm just saying x

Leaving the iron on is dangerous. It's one thing being messy it's another endangering uou and your son. I suspect he is doing it on purpose to upset uou and ensure uou know your place and that he can do as he pleases. He deliberately chose to leave it like that this morning after your chat last night. He didn't forget unless he has some significant mental faculty limitations.

And doing it deliberately to make a point would royally piss me off. Send him back to his mums and tell her he lives like a pig.

I'm dreading him coming home tbh. Because I know it'll be the usual 'so you're not talking to me now?' Or the 'look I've said I'm sorry why can't we just move on?'
Or he'll make it seem like I'm really going OTT over a towel and a pair of shoes.

We argued the other day because he left something in the garden overnight and it rained, but it was my fault because I went out there after him to bring the washing in and didn't pick it up and bring it in, too.

My dh can be like this. Start small op. Pick what does your head in the most!

Towels, put them in his bed not on it. Shoes indoor ways where he will have to notice them. Only wash clothes that are in the linen basket. Be visibility pissed off ! Do nagg it doesn't work. Just don't do and make him anoy himself!

It does sound like he's using his work to escape/ avoid home life then OP. Sorry but it sounds like this is bigger than wet towels. My dh also fell neatly into the "workaholic" category before kids but changed jobs and changed his outlook and shortened his hours once we had them because otherwise frankly our marriage wouldn't have worked. You shouldnt dread him coming home, you need to be able to talk about this.

Just for the record, I work similar hours and manage to leave the house tidy and pick up after myself. Infact, I make less mess the more hours I am out of the house. I do it because to do anything else is just horrible for anyone else in the house.

Blaming you, work or anything else rather than taking responsibility is just horrible. Sorry you are living with this, OP.

BarbarianMum We used to argue about the fact that he works long hours but because he's so obsessed with making money he'll go in to get extra commission etc. It's just who he is. And I can't complain about that because I don't contribute financially and I feel guilty about that.

Like I said I understand fully that he works so hard for us. But that doesn't mean he can treat our home like a hotel and I'll happily clear up after him like a maid.

(BTW he did have a maid growing up, plus his parents are straight from the 50's - men work and women cook & clean, which may explain and lot...)

I never understand SAHM's who say they feel guilty for not contributing financially. You are raising a child. HIS child. It's a never ending job that has no holidays or time off. Don't feel guilty

I'm surprised so many people are agreeing with you on this.In my opinion, you are the one that sounds like a child...
Cut your poor husband some slack. He sounds incredibly hard working. It sounds ridiculous to me to argue over a wet towel, a pair of shoes, and some coffee granules. Who cares? I am sure he is a wonderful man, so why would you let yourself get upset over such trivial things? Are you trying to drive him away? It sounds like you argue a lot. Does he want to come home if you keep arguing?

LadyDawn If I may ask, what is your current relationship status and do you have children?

MarshallandChase - Leaving mess around like your partner does can often be a tour de force of passive aggressiveness. I think this is even more likely given his behaviour at his parents' house, and your relationship with his mother. I'm not sure there's anything to be done about it.

My DH can be exactly like this.

The best way I've found is not to pick up his clothes and towels. I now keep my own towel separate and the kids have one each in their room. If he drops it, it remains there and doesn't get washed.

If his clothes aren't in one of the various wash baskets they don't get washed.

If he leaves pots or empty packets/wrappers around they get moved to his pillow or stuffed inside his shoes he leaves lying around.

If he doesn't tell me when he's eaten or used the last of something, it doesn't get replaced.

If he leaves the toilet dirty I try my best to leave it like that and tell him to do it repeatedly once he's home from work.

I have told him before that I am not his mother and I will not be treated like a scivvy.