Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you feel about this?

66 replies

thereisnococonut · 03/05/2017 23:15

My DP lent me his phone earlier, I wanted to look at something we saw on Instagram a few days ago so I went on his previously liked photos to do so. He gave me permission to look, he left the room and I caught sight of pictures of other women in the feed, people he knows I guess, but not anyone I know personally. They were body/cleavage pictures, and quite a few of them, and just general pictures of their faces. I scrolled down the liked pictures and saw more of the same.

It made me feel pretty weird. I'm 100% sure he hasn't been messaging anyone or anything like that, just liking the pictures, but I still think it's super inappropriate. A man liking a picture of a woman's body, obviously in a sexualised context, there's no two ways about what that means, is there?

Another thing that's relevant. There aren't any pictures of me on his page, or his Facebook (except the odd one), and we've been together over 2 years. I also discovered maybe 6 months ago his relationship status was 'hidden' on Facebook, so no one else could see that he was in a relationship with me. This was another 'accident' or 'I didn't realise it was set up like that'. I feel as if he is trying to hide me.

I saw him do it once before. He left the page up and had liked 3 pictures in a row of the same woman in just a bra/bikini but focused in on her breasts. I distinctly remember being like 'wtf?! why would you like that?' And he swore blind it'd been an 'accident' Hmm yeah, right. I let it go at the time but now I'm feeling uneasy again and upset that he obviously lied before.

The thing is I don't think I entirely trust him. There's been occasions where he's lied about things to me (like what I mentioned above) all leave me with a sense of unease. I know he has lied in similar ways in past relationships- accepted numbers from other women, etc. but I can't exactly hold that against him when it wasn't even with me.

I just feel uneasy and I can't explain it. WWYD?

OP posts:
alicemalice · 03/05/2017 23:17

Of course you feel uneasy. You're in a relationship with this guy and he's perving on other women. Your gut isn't wrong.

HildaOg · 03/05/2017 23:36

I'd be concerned about the lying but I don't see the big deal about liking photos. Lots of men like those photos because they're hot and women like them because they see them as aspirational. It's not a sign of cheating.

Keeping your relationship status private is a good idea too. Not everybody wants the world to know the personal details of their life. That's creepy.

SandyY2K · 03/05/2017 23:39

The hiding the relationship is a red flag.

The lies he's previously told are a red flag.

Honestly, if it were me, I'd just end it with no fuss or drama instead of investing more time with a man you don't trust.

If my DH was 'liking' pictures of bikini clad women, I wouldn't be impressed with him.

pumpkinmoon1 · 03/05/2017 23:44

I wouldn't be happy with this and I don't think you are being unreasonable.

ImaLannister · 03/05/2017 23:51

He's looking elsewhere, or is happy with you but is a potential cheat.

dingodon · 03/05/2017 23:53

Dump don't waste another 2 years of dealing with this kind of shite.

C0untDucku1a · 04/05/2017 00:03

Liars lie. Being in a relationship with a liar is draining.

Original poster
thereisnococonut · 04/05/2017 00:03

Hilda, I guess so. I suppose I just find it uncomfortable to be so public. Maybe I'm reading too much into it but actively 'liking' it (as opposed to just seeing the photo) feels like you're sending a nonverbal message to the poster, that you're into them.

And I would agree on the relationship status thing but I have known him years & always saw that his other relationships were public. So why are they hidden with me?

Perhaps he is looking elsewhere, maybe he's tired of being tied down, he has been in back to back relationships petty much. Have tried to talk to him but it's hard because he shoots any criticisms down by saying stuff like why would I be with you/spend time with you if I didn't want to be with you etc. I find it derails the actual point and it's hard to respond to.

Thanks to everyone who responded so far x

OP posts:
Original poster
thereisnococonut · 04/05/2017 00:04

I agree. It's so hard to be with a liar and I know he definitely is one. I really do love him and we are great together; I don't want to throw that away, but this stuff is exhausting. And I don't think he is going to change Confused

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 04/05/2017 00:08

i dont think he is ever going to change

Well no. People generally dont change. They might hide things better, but actually change? No.

ImaLannister · 04/05/2017 00:16

He's not going to change, no. And your going to struggle with trust after knowing this. Trust is the foundation of a relationship, once that's gone it starts to crumble. You will know what to do eventually. Do what feels right. Whatever that is. You need to have a long ass serious chat, but like you say he's already spoken. I think you need to threaten to end the relationship, n see what he does or says.

HildaOg · 04/05/2017 00:22

If his other relationships were public but he's hiding you then I agree it's an issue.

esk1mo · 04/05/2017 00:36

turn the tables on him. hide your relationship status, download instagram, follow attractive, topless men, like their pics.
see how he likes it Wink

Original poster
thereisnococonut · 04/05/2017 14:55

Thanks everyone.
I think you're all right, and glad I'm not BU. It's just hard to come to terms with this. I think if he was going to change he would have already. We've spoken about the lies etc on many occasions before.. obviously it isn't enough.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 04/05/2017 15:13

2 years and already grief and trust issues; he's showing a complete lack of respect to you by hiding the fact on FB that he's not in a relationship and by perving over pics of other women and liking them; not all men do this, esp ones in a relationship.

Just end it, he's not worthy.

yetmorecrap · 04/05/2017 15:34

My other half has never had his relationship status on FB and neither have I, and I very rarely post anything personal on it, usually stuff to do with work, political stuff or funny stuff

Paperdoll16 · 04/05/2017 16:02

There's an option in settings on IG whereby you can view the photos liked by the account you're logged into. If you click on that you can build a picture of what his main focus on IG is. It may have just been a few that came up on his feed that day but it may be the main reason for scrolling.

Obviously if there's anything more untoward with this/these women there could be some DM's on IG. Does he post on there too? A real shame your not present in any of his pics, almost implying he's a single guy.

Original poster
thereisnococonut · 04/05/2017 17:12

Paper doll yeah that's what I was looking at- his previously liked photos, since I was looking for something from the day before, I just happened to see that a lot of them were women when I scrolled down a bit further...

And yeah, he posts fairly often, pictures of himself, family, friends so it's not as if he is a private guy- but I am not featured or if I am it's when we're in a group of friends and he's tagging me alongside others, so obvs it wouldn't be obvious I'm his girlfriend. I agree it's like broadcasting you're single. I talked with him about that before but he again swore it was accidental. Part of me wants to bring it up again but it sounds so childish :( post more pictures of me on Instagram or we're over?! That's how he'd paint it, even though there's obviously connotations behind the behaviour.

I don't know. I'm seriously at a loss over it. IRL it's perfect, he's not withdrawn, always wants to spend time with me, even clingy I'd say. He's keen for us to move in soon (which we are Confused) but this social media stuff just seems a bit... off. Gut feeling and all.

OP posts:
Tiredbutnotyetretired · 04/05/2017 17:45

Your gut is giving you MASSIVE warning signals, TRUST IT! Flowers

Tiredbutnotyetretired · 04/05/2017 17:49

Dont let him down-play your feelings neither. If you dont like the idea of what he's doing then he puts a stop to it because he loves you and doesnt want to hurt you. What is it with this lying, decietful, game playing generation? Smh x

PigtailsAndPosies · 04/05/2017 20:20

I might just be getting old, but just reading the little you've posted on here is exhausting.

I'd just end it and walk away. Life really is too short.

Original poster
thereisnococonut · 04/05/2017 20:29

No it's not just you, it is exhausting. I know it all sounds so stupid and petty written down, stuff about Facebook and instagram and whatever. but I can't deny it doesnt mean something :(

OP posts:
PigtailsAndPosies · 04/05/2017 21:43

Oh I agree it does mean something. That's why I'd just walk away. Surely you believe you're worth more than this?

Tiredbutnotyetretired · 04/05/2017 21:50

They know it looks or sounds petty, in this day and age where social networking is norm but there are boundaries or you stay single

April229 · 04/05/2017 23:10

Can you upload a picture of you both together with the caption 'hanging out with my boyfriend' or something similarly obvious, post of Facebook and tag him in the picture and ask why he hasn't added it to his time line. You are not being UR I would be really embarrassed if my dp was posting like of semi clad woman in front of our mutual friends.