How would you feel about this?

[thereisnococonut]

My DP lent me his phone earlier, I wanted to look at something we saw on Instagram a few days ago so I went on his previously liked photos to do so. He gave me permission to look, he left the room and I caught sight of pictures of other women in the feed, people he knows I guess, but not anyone I know personally. They were body/cleavage pictures, and quite a few of them, and just general pictures of their faces. I scrolled down the liked pictures and saw more of the same.

It made me feel pretty weird. I'm 100% sure he hasn't been messaging anyone or anything like that, just liking the pictures, but I still think it's super inappropriate. A man liking a picture of a woman's body, obviously in a sexualised context, there's no two ways about what that means, is there?

Another thing that's relevant. There aren't any pictures of me on his page, or his Facebook (except the odd one), and we've been together over 2 years. I also discovered maybe 6 months ago his relationship status was 'hidden' on Facebook, so no one else could see that he was in a relationship with me. This was another 'accident' or 'I didn't realise it was set up like that'. I feel as if he is trying to hide me.

I saw him do it once before. He left the page up and had liked 3 pictures in a row of the same woman in just a bra/bikini but focused in on her breasts. I distinctly remember being like 'wtf?! why would you like that?' And he swore blind it'd been an 'accident' yeah, right. I let it go at the time but now I'm feeling uneasy again and upset that he obviously lied before.

The thing is I don't think I entirely trust him. There's been occasions where he's lied about things to me (like what I mentioned above) all leave me with a sense of unease. I know he has lied in similar ways in past relationships- accepted numbers from other women, etc. but I can't exactly hold that against him when it wasn't even with me.

I just feel uneasy and I can't explain it. WWYD?

but I'm not liking the picture because she's got her boobs out, it's because she's my friend" ...

That's one of the most ridiculous things I've heard.i agree the issue is not so much he's doing it, it's the fact he is lying to you and gaslighting you about it. He'd rather make you think you're being ridiculous than admit he's perving on other women and pretending to be single.

Oh he's pulled the 'friend' card. Move on sweety, find someone more deserving of your love and your time, hes immature, a liar and a bit of a creep imo

Massive red flags only 2 years in. It's not going to improve once you're living together and he feels like he's got you in his pocket.

Get rid if you can because lying about liking photos on the Internet is not normal behaviour.

Sorry OP , I'm offended on your behalf.

Your partner of two years is seeking out and 'liking' pics of other women on social media and it's tacky as hell.

Is this really the guy you see yourself having kids with...growing old with? Or do you think you deserve better?

I think you do.

I think the fact you are finding him/this, understandably, so exhausting is a big red flag. It shouldn't be like that.

I was in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship and I felt like that all the time. I was absolutely confused, exhausted and in flight or fight mode all the time after a certain point. It was soul destroying. A normal relationship where you are both on the same page and can trust each other is not like that. To me now, feeling like that would be a red flag.

Also, his lying about this could be because he can't be bothered to deal with talking about it. As in, he said he didn't 'like' them but then when you called him out on it, he went quiet etc rather than aggressively defensive. The lying may be a default form of relationship laziness so that he does not have to justify himself or engage in communication about his actions.

You said his ex apparently posted photos of them from his phone. Why can't you do that and see what he does?

What on earth were you hoping to get out of that conversation in the first place?

Seriously, what would have been a good outcome?

Your relationship is a big lie.

Bluntness that's just exactly how it is, that hits home. In every argument no matter what it's about, he'd rather upset me (or deny my feelings I suppose) than make even the slightest admission of guilt. in this case the issue is so minor, but what is so perplexing is the lying. and once again I'm not allowed to be 'upset' about the first thing anyway

He says that it stems from being blamed for 'everything' in his childhood and tbh I see how it happens, but I wonder if he knows how hurtful his actions now are? I have tried, but I can't engage in any sort of constructive conversation where we tackle issues in our relationship because everything just gets shot down or denied or minimised (i.e 'we hardly ever fight it doesnt matter' - we really do fight way more often than is normal). I think he feels it is a personal attack on him when it isn't, I want us to improve how we communicate but it doesn't look as if he is willing to do that.

runrabbit- tbh, I hoped he would say something like he saw why it made me feel insecure and that he would try not to do it again. something as simple as that.

waitingyetagain, I'm sorry you went through that :( that's how I feel when we fight like this, I just end up confused and exhausted and no idea of what to do next. I'm taking a few days away from him just to think things over. that makes sense about the lying too, I think that's something he'd do, lie rather than have to have a conversation. The big bone of contention is that I know he is a liar and honestly that's never changing, is it.
also, I could do that, I know his passcodes etc. but I'd just feel like such a dick. and i feel like if I got to the point where I was making myself feel better by posting pictures, pretending to the world that he'd done it- I should just leave the relationship!

thank you so much everyone and sorry I haven't replied to everyone individually, I really appreciate all the support. it's helping xx

I think you are deeply confused about what makes a reason to break up.

In every argument no matter what it's about, he'd rather upset me (or deny my feelings I suppose) than make even the slightest admission of guilt.

This ^ is absolutely enough reason to end a relationship and to tell your close friends this is why.

I knew mine was a liar too (and he stole from me), but I couldn't leave - I was stuck. It was like being under a spell. So I understand how you can stay even if you are deeply unhappy and know it's wrong. I would have told a friend in my situation to leave, but I couldn't do it for myself!

If you can get yourself to leave him, do it now. The longer you stay, the harder it gets. Not having to live with this mind bending craziness anymore is like being reborn. You will realise how amazing it is to be free and not have to live in such paranoia and confusion. If you meet a normal man in the future, you will enjoy how relaxing and comforting a regular, trusting and communicative, non-lying relationship can be.

Sorry to bump this thread again as I know it's old, I didn't want to start a new one but wanted to vent...

I spoke to him and he basically said he felt nothing was wrong with what he was doing, that it was silly to be jealous as he was obviously devoted to me, so I suppose technically he never said he'd stop.

I just went on Instagram again and looked up some of the women's profiles I remembered from before, sure enough, pictures from a few days ago/hours ago, in bikinis, at the gym, or just pictures of themselves, all liked by him. Why? :( I feel like IABVVVVVU because at the end of the day, it's just a picture, afaik he isn't messaging any of them or anything like that and in real life I've had no reason at all to worry. But then I remember how it's like I'm totally hidden from the profiles, and I feel awful. Can't shake that it's a bad sign

Are you dating my ex?!
He hid his relationship status on fb (although previously displayed it earlier in the relationship) and set his page so when I tagged him it did not show on his page. He was cheating.
I know it is hard to walk away just because of your gut feelings but your gut is telling you something important. Sorry op

Read this:

'So here’s where I introduce “The Detective Rule”. The idea is simple: if you find yourself playing detective with someone, you remove them from your life immediately. Remember your Constant? Do you play detective with them? Do you cyberstalk their Facebook page and question their every intention? No, of course not. So you know the common denominator is external.

Even if this sense of distrust feels obscure and unreasonable, trust your gut. If you are constantly worrying or doubting your thoughts, it’s time to stop blaming yourself and start taking action.

Miraculously, every single time you remove that toxic person from your life, you will find that the anxiety subsides. Some of us are better at judging ourselves than others, so this finally gives you a chance to put that to use. You can decide whether or not you like the way you feel around someone. No one can ever tell you that your feelings are wrong. Remember the question: “How are you feeling today?” The answer is all that matters.'

From: www.psychopathfree.com/articles/torture-by-triangulation.134/

The author of that wrote a book that's very good. It is validating to know that you are not crazy for having these gut/instinct feelings.

If it's making you feel this bad then it isn't right op. If you can't and won't stop lying and he cannot make you feel secure, is it honestly really worth all this? He's not the only man in the world.

Oh I'm sorry I meant if he cannot or won't stop lying

So he claimed that he accidentally 'liked' them but has now done it again, knowing it upsets you. He's got form for getting other women's numbers in his previous relationships. What on earth are you doing with him? You can't change him into a faithful partner. You can however end it and enjoy not being manipulated by this dickhead.

It doesn't matter why he does it (intention). The fact is it upsets/hurts you and causes you anxiety (impact of HIS actions). If he truly cares about you, he woups focus all his attention on making these feelings (his impact) go away - either by respecting your wishes and stopping, or working with you to make this okay for you. My advice would be "insist on getting rid of these feelings!" It's either he's willing to work with you on doing that (and counselling would really help, imo) or you get rid of the source. Good luck!