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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you feel about this?

66 replies

thereisnococonut · 03/05/2017 23:15

My DP lent me his phone earlier, I wanted to look at something we saw on Instagram a few days ago so I went on his previously liked photos to do so. He gave me permission to look, he left the room and I caught sight of pictures of other women in the feed, people he knows I guess, but not anyone I know personally. They were body/cleavage pictures, and quite a few of them, and just general pictures of their faces. I scrolled down the liked pictures and saw more of the same.

It made me feel pretty weird. I'm 100% sure he hasn't been messaging anyone or anything like that, just liking the pictures, but I still think it's super inappropriate. A man liking a picture of a woman's body, obviously in a sexualised context, there's no two ways about what that means, is there?

Another thing that's relevant. There aren't any pictures of me on his page, or his Facebook (except the odd one), and we've been together over 2 years. I also discovered maybe 6 months ago his relationship status was 'hidden' on Facebook, so no one else could see that he was in a relationship with me. This was another 'accident' or 'I didn't realise it was set up like that'. I feel as if he is trying to hide me.

I saw him do it once before. He left the page up and had liked 3 pictures in a row of the same woman in just a bra/bikini but focused in on her breasts. I distinctly remember being like 'wtf?! why would you like that?' And he swore blind it'd been an 'accident' Hmm yeah, right. I let it go at the time but now I'm feeling uneasy again and upset that he obviously lied before.

The thing is I don't think I entirely trust him. There's been occasions where he's lied about things to me (like what I mentioned above) all leave me with a sense of unease. I know he has lied in similar ways in past relationships- accepted numbers from other women, etc. but I can't exactly hold that against him when it wasn't even with me.

I just feel uneasy and I can't explain it. WWYD?

OP posts:
ImaLannister · 04/05/2017 23:23

My ex Fiancé wouldn't allow me to wear my engagement ring in public. Neither did he tell anyone of his friends we was engaged. We didn't last long after that...

ImaLannister · 04/05/2017 23:31

He's hiding you away, for some reason. Is there any reason for him to be embarrassed about him being with you?

ImaLannister · 05/05/2017 00:44

Just re read that and it sounds not as intended! I'm not saying you embarrass him! What I meant was is there any reason for him to maybe think that?

Barbaro · 05/05/2017 06:48

Let's give him the benefit of the doubt here maybe he hadn't realised it was set to hidden. Not everyone is good with computers or he just did forget.

It wouldn't bother me if my bf liked pictures of bikini clad girls its what guys do. Us women like looking at pictures half naked hot men and some probably like the photos of them as well. There's no difference. But I know even if he looks at another woman he still prefers me because he is with me, and its the same for me.

If you dont trust him thats a different issue. But unless he has deliberately never introduced you to any of his friends or family, won't be seen in public with you or is seeing other women behind your back, I think this is just typical guy behaviour to be honest.

Shurleyshummishtake · 05/05/2017 06:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoobleMcB · 05/05/2017 07:29

I think you're massively over reacting. I regularly 'like pictures on IG of women. Some i know, many I don't. Some modelling type shots, some home/candid/selfies or whatever. In various situations and circumstances, places and situations. Some in full clothes, some not. Some slight, slimmer women and some bigger, fuller women. I don't discriminate. If I see a photo I like I 'like' it. It could be the artistry, the setting, the background, the way they capture the person in it, appreciation of the person in it. It CERTAINLY doesn't mean I want to fuck them or fantasize about them.

I feel it's INCREDIBLY important to promote appreciation of the human body in all of its forms. Break the taboo and prejudice you hear women going on about so vehemently. You can't break that if the people you're trying to appeal to aren't allowed to appreciate without having an ulterior motive

Tiredbutnotyetretired · 05/05/2017 08:07

@Booblemcb you are missing the point a bit imo, its not that he's liking the pictures i think we all know that men look at women i think op is mature enough to understand that, its the fact that he is keeping his relationship private, whilst actively liking other womens pictures, do you not find that in the slightest bit disrespectful?

BoobleMcB · 05/05/2017 08:39

Some people have that dynamic though no? Where they dont shout from the rooftops. I do see that point and probably missed it lol.

FritzDonovan · 05/05/2017 12:37

booble Isn't that the problem though? OP doesn't want this dynamic in her relationship. Her oh knows this, but continues secretly with liking cleavage shots and not publicly acknowledging having a girlfriend. Weird.

SparklingRaspberry · 05/05/2017 13:27

Nothing wrong with him looking at these women. No guy is gunna close his eyes when he sees a half naked woman on the screen. Would I be happy with him actually 'liking' the photo? Probably not no.

As for Facebook. I have my relationship status hidden. I also don't upload cute couple photos, we don't tag each other in stuff. To most people it probably looks like I'm single. But at the end of the day I don't care when I see lovey dovey photos of couples, I don't think "aww cute" I scroll past because I'm not interested.

Uploading a photo doesn't mean he loves you anymore. Rather than concentrate on what he is/isn't posting about you on Facebook concentrate on real life - does he make you happy? Is he supportive? Loving? Caring? If he's all of them things does it really matter that you're not on his Facebook?

Topsy44 · 05/05/2017 16:20

I would go with your gut, it's your inner voice telling you something isn't right.

You said earlier that you know he lies, that statement alone says massive warning bells to me. If you know he lies, you can't trust him. Without trust, there is no healthy relationship.

MissBax · 05/05/2017 16:46

I wouldn't be happy by any of these behaviours at all. Anyone saying it's normal for men to look at other women etc etc. There's a big difference between noticing an attractive person on the street and actively liking pictures that are basically just focused on a pair of tits. What are you telling the woman by liking it, other than "nice rack"? The fact he's done it before and tries to claim it's accidental is a joke. Personally I'd want to find someone who respects our relationship more.

ImperialBlether · 05/05/2017 16:52

Oh don't move in with this man! Seriously, OP, he sounds bloody horrible! He doesn't even acknowledge you exist and he is perving over women. Ugh, he's horrible. You can do so much better than that.

And saying he's clingy makes him sound even more pathetic.

BoobleMcB · 05/05/2017 17:22

Fritz he's not secretly liking them though. It's a public 'like' anybody can see who's 'liked' the pic.

Kind of agree about the relationship status but him having it hidden definitely doesn't mean he doesn't like her or likes her less. I don't think it particularly has ANY bearing on someone's feelings

MissBax · 05/05/2017 17:27

It is secretly though when he's DENYING it or saying it's accidental! 🤔

Original poster
thereisnococonut · 05/05/2017 17:33

Thanks for the replies everyone, been super busy so not had a chance to reply yet!

To clarify I know I can't stop someone appreciating other women! I totally get that-like people have said, there's a difference between that and then actively letting someone know you're into them Confused which I think a man is doing when he likes a sexualised photo of a woman, in all honesty. it's the act of liking the photo, sending a nonverbal message really. That whilst simultaneously 'hiding' me on social media, it just feels a bit wrong.

I mentioned it to him briefly and he just downplayed it again, and said he didn't see it like that, didn't see himself as hiding me, and denied having liked any pictures like that at all Hmm I said that I know you have, I saw, and he sort of went a bit quiet then. I don't get the need to lie at all.

And with the privacy thing. It's not as if he's a private person, there's pictures years ago of him and his ex. He told me she put them up using his phone and he wouldn't have done it otherwise :/ apparently he just 'doesn't do that' but every other aspect of his life (friends family work etc) is documented so it's like, why wouldn't you want to include your girlfriend in that? Especially when he spends so much time with me?? It just feels so weird!

Thanks for replying again everyone and sorry for the massive rant! I'm not sure where I'm gonna go from here. Our relationship is good otherwise so to cause massive issue over this feels a bit much. But like people have pointed out it's disrespectful/pervy and I worry it's a sign he would cheat in the future.

OP posts:
Original poster
thereisnococonut · 05/05/2017 17:34

Yeah. It's lying and pretending he hasn't that makes me feel it isn't innocent. If it was, why lie? Especially when I have obviously seen the evidence to know? Confused

OP posts:
ENFJ · 05/05/2017 17:38

If he's not proud to be in a relationship with you then that would turn me off.

alicemalice · 05/05/2017 18:26

He's going to cause you heartache down the line.

Tiredbutnotyetretired · 05/05/2017 19:55

@BooblemcB yes, he is liking other girls' photos, and a lot at that, how cringeworthy it would feel when people do realise he's actually in a relationship, if i was the reciever of these likes i would think 'what a creep' hes coming across as one. Fair enough booby shots etc but loads of other girls pics like selfies n things i would find it highly disrespectful, creepy, sly and sleezy. I wouldnt trust him and yes as others have pointed out, your heart will be breaking further down the line. There will come a point when you just cant tolerate it any more, he down plays your worries and denies all knowledge, no genuine loving guy who is in love with you would put you through the emotional torment. And yes i agree with people not needing to declare to the world they are in a relationship, but have the personal integrity to be loyal and honest regardless. When people are consistently liking pics they are giving off the vibe they are interested especially if it is one (or many) particular woman. Might be innocent and the way he lives his life, but its not in keeping with your core values therefore you are a miss-match anyway x

FritzDonovan · 05/05/2017 23:24

booble, yes, I know that when he likes a picture the whole world will be able to see that, but as pp said, he is keeping that secret from OP as even when she notices he will try to deny or say it was an accident. How sad he is to think this would be believed, I bet theres not loads of 'cute dogs' on his like history. Hmm
OP, sorry but I think this kind of behaviour is pretty pathetic in a grown man, especially when he lies about it!

Original poster
thereisnococonut · 06/05/2017 11:32

So I tried to talk to him about it and it didn't go particularly well. I said I wasn't that bothered really that he had liked the photos, but I wanted to talk about the fact it was making me a bit insecure, and I just didn't want to hear lies about it. I brought up the last time when he'd liked 3 of this same woman's pictures, all only the body/boob ones and he still maintains liking those three out of all of them, was an accident. he just got angry and would be like "so you don't believe me then?!" "if you're asking me to say it wasn't an accident, then you're asking me to lie". It's so ridiculous. I literally said come on, you're making us both look like idiots saying that. I will have a lot more respect for you if you just admit it! I don't understand why you feel like you need to lie to me.

And then with the recent ones, he said, and I quote, "but I'm not liking the picture because she's got her boobs out, it's because she's my friend" .... for selfies etc I can accept that, I'd like my male friend's selfie. but for the (numerous) ones focused in on someone's chest that is 90% out? Really? It's like I'm not allowed to feel insecure/slightly put out by it all because I'm interpreting it wrong and it was never sexual or pervy in nature, because of this stupid and see through excuses.

Someone things like this always end up with my feelings minimised and him as the victim who has done nothing wrong, ever. Exhausted.

OP posts:
ENFJ · 06/05/2017 11:39

You poor thing. It's exhausting. YOu feel exhausted trying to negotiate to be respected. His communication style isn't open and natural. HIs communication style is to obfuscate and manipulate.

You don't need to 'prove' to yourself or to him that he was in the wrong. Just focus on your own feelings.. How do you feel? You chalenged him because you want more openness, more respect, more acknowledgement............. Not only have you not got that but he twisted your own words and served them back to you with a different meaning to make you look unreasonable.

FritzDonovan · 06/05/2017 13:26

Sorry, he's just making himself sound like a complete knob with comments like that. I don't know why you stick around to hear them. Confused

Tinkerbec · 06/05/2017 13:29

The status thing in itself is not a worry. I don't have mine, my birthday or my phone number on it. As I like to keep most information to myself.

However the liking of the woman is very childish behaviour. It would not bother some people but it would me. You are totally allowed to feel insecure. If he belittled your feelings it is clear where he stands.

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