Mum seems to hate that I'm doing well.

[toolonglou]

Can anyone relate to this? Struggling to get my head around it.

I get strong vibes that my Mum hates that my life has turned out quite well. Ironically, I feel my life is quite average and nothing amazing. We love in a small three-bed semu, but she thinks my house is too nice and gets angry if I talk about our plans to move into a bigger house.
She said we should not have any money left at the end of the month to save or afford to send our kids to clubs like dance, sports, etc.
She is annoyed we are thinking about putting our children through tuition to do the 11+.
She hates if I show any knowledge or intelligence she is uncomfortable. She does not seem to like that I've got a degree.

In an argument she called me greedy, and that I wanted 'More, more more' all the time. My husband just laughed at this and said I was the opposite - I actually often 'make do and mend' and we live quite frugally in some areas of our lives in order to enjoy some of the treats we have. We don't have loads of money and have to watch how we manage it.

We used to be very close when I was younger, but I moved away (2 hours drive) and since then now I feel tension every time we are together - she analyses everything I say, so I tell her limited information about things that are going well for me. I feel I have exceeded her expectations, and that is making her angry.

Is she really unhappy that you moved away and it's coming out as judging your lifestyle?
Obviously you haven't posted much about your childhood etc but I wonder if she had an idea of you having a nice life like the one you have but being close (geographically) to her?
What is her lifestyle like? Does she maybe feel that by doing the things you want, you are judging her because her life is so different to yours? (I ask this as SIL is like this with me and DH - lots of digs and judgements because we don't want what she has).

Can you talk to her and ask why she seems so unhappy with your choices?

Some people can't help being envious and unable to be happy for other people. Sadly, mums don't seem to be immune to this to. She sounds like a cow and a negative presence. Can you live with it? You don't have it. You can go low/ NC if it's better for you or just smile and nod along to gently take the piss if you can!

I can't talk to my Mum about this because anything I say to her will be taken as criticism - she is highly sensitive. She would start shouting, screaming, tantruming and throw insults at me. It would all be my fault - 'How could you think that of me?' and then she would twist it around into criticisms. I would be accused of thinking I'm better than her/others. It would be 'Why do YOU think that I'm thinking that about you? There must be something wrong with you'.

I ignore it and just do what I like, in my own life. But I feel angry and disappointed with her.

She is quite self-centred. I've always been there for her - tending to her emotional needs. I feel sometimes that she is the child and I am expected to be the rational, caring one.

I had that all my life as I think family had it in their head, because of certain circumstances, I'd be the one to fail and do really crap. As it's been the opposite they really hate it. Looking to put me down any chance they can.

I would just NC if you can. It's easier to deal with that way and surround yourself with supportive people.

I think sometimes people can get jealous, though I've never understood why as you are the master of your destiny. You can make your life what you want.

Handbag - She may think I'm judging her by leading a different life. She says things to suggest that. However, I think that is so weird. I don't understand why anyone would draw those conclusions just because someone lives a different life.

Our lives aren't too dissimilar either.
At the moment (if we don't move) our house is similar to the one my parents shared. We probably have more available cash as they were always hard up. But later in their lives they have been much better off.

The differences are - I have a happy relationship with my husband (her marriage was awful), I have a degree and we live in a more affluent area. If we do move again, then she may view that as us doing better than she did though.

Thanks Sparkly. It's good to know others have had similar experiences. I know so many people with supportive Mums. It makes me feel very alone sometimes.

Many parents, mine included, feel that their parental authority comes from/is reflected in them having more resources than you. In fact this is common old-fashioned 'leader of the pack' idea ..as you see it in older companies, where age=more resource.

With mine, their need is so powerful, it's hard for me to do well as i can almost palpably feel their will that i must not do better than them, even though if i do better, we all do better.
Some of this i have sympathy for as i can see how they might feel less 'relevant' if they can't help..

It's also part of the deferential English culture that in my opinion is holding us back internationally.

These micro behaviours are translating into a national problem with the 'elderly' holding resources, land, houses, and final salary pensions, whilst taking all that away for their offspring, and voting for even fewer resources in entry level jobs, university educations, apprenticeships etc. It often strikes me that the current older members of society are really resentful that despite their rebellion, they still feel they missed out on the 'defer to your elders' bit of being old. I think she might also feel a little annoyed at the freedoms you have relatively..

But there might be something else..Perhaps she is less well resourced than she's making out, or misses you not doing big intergenerational family holidays, or maybe she feels you are so focussed on savings/gains you are missing life itself /interacting with her socially as she gets older..

Some of it might also be a way of saying 'ive noticed you are doing well's without having to sufferer the ultimate English horror..Of being positive about another's success...

Like 'new shoes?' the English are paralysed about saying ',wow i really love those shoes!' so we state a fact.. and expect it to be understood as a hint towards a possible emotion. Older people haven't had that communication style eroded by YouTube

Crab bucket.

Can you question her reaction every time with a big smile on your face, so that it doesn't seem like a criticism but almost as if you think she might be joking? e.g. "Why would it matter if we've got money to spare at the end of the month, Mum?" "Why would you mind our children being helped with their school work, Mum?" It might just help to make her realise how ridiculous she sounds.

My mother is jealous of anything I/we buy or do. Makes comments about how we can afford it. We both work which is another thing she doesn't like.....women have the job of bringing up the kids so shouldn't be working! Has to find the negative in everything. We're NC now but for unrelated reasons.

My Mum is like this.
"You always fall on your feet" when something good happens.
"I've always wanted land" when we bought a farm.
Sadly none of what I have achieved would have been possible without her support she should be proud not jealous.

The only things I can put it down to is her not unreasonable resentment of her twin brother for example she passed the 11+ he didn't so she couldn't go and my Dad dying young unexpectedly.
I ignore it as its not worth the fall out to discuss and I don't believe she could change. She is jealous of others not just me. Sadly we are not close, she has dementia now and is losing the capacity for jealousy which is complicated.

Good thing is I've gone the other way and I'm insanely pleased for DD's good fortune.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about your mother; she likes being like this and gets something out of it. She is at fault here anyway by expecting you to take care of her emotional needs and you probably have done that all your life too.

Its not your fault she is like this, you did not make her this way. Her own parents did that lot of damage to her; what do you know about her own family background?. That can often provide clues.

I would read and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" threads on these pages as you will get help there as well. You live two hours away from her so that helps; you also need to put mental distance between you and she as well.

Well it's all about her isn't it? Your life is a comment about her ( no it's just your life), your choices mean she is in the wrong ( er, no, they are Just your choices).
My mum is very like this with my d sis, it's as if she has decided that I can do no wrong, and my sister can do no right. But my ds and I are close and o will never join in the bitch fest my mum wants about her.

All you can do is limit what you show of yourself to her, and have low expectations. . gently say " ooh I feel hurt when you say that", because as you day, anything about her will cause tantruming.

Look into personality disorders. My mum hates when I do well too. Among other 'reasons' she hates me. She has narcissistic personality disorder.

Just read your second post...is she my mum?!

I can tell you why she's like this. She is unhappy with her life and her unhappiness has led to resentment.

On reading your updates, I would say she's an insecure, bitter person. Create some distance if you can - see her less etc and try and feel sorry for her rather than anger - can you imagine being so judgemental and highly strung? Must be exhausting!

My DM makes comments that are similar but hers comes from a mix of envy as her and ddad had money but no organisation (so lots of designer clothes & holidays but no house or savings) which me and DH have, also from not having the confidence to do what she wants (so lots of digs about me going abroad on my own etc).
I tell her to shut up to be honest, but that's where it's different in she acknowledges it and stops.

A bad case of green eyed monster!! My mum when she was39 had a sudden fit of jealousy that I was pretty and going out with good looking young guys, my dad was horrified!!

My mum isnt jealous of my life but she is obbessed with thr mum thing im your mum and she sees this as her excuse to say thongs she really should br like slagging of my clothes life weight. Telling me my three year old wouldnt get a job in an intetview when shes older because i dont brush her hair ( i do but she hatea it so i dont put clips bobbles in i let her be a messy three year old.she is obbessed with my daughter no one elae matters when shes there she looks like me and my mum told me that she has always missed me as a wee girl and now im back😮 she isnt like this with my wee sister at all she ruined therun up to my wedding cos we wanted to decide things ourself and she was worry her neighbours wouldnt enjoy the day. She wouldnt accept i had pnd and laughed at me when i said i thought something was wrong with my brain. If i ever tried to tell her it would be my fault. My dad took my daughter to thd toliet in a resturannt and she followed them saying my dad couldnt cope and then my sister took her and she follwed her as well. She is really selfish and if u talk to her she just say listen to me im mum and cuts you off. My husband was ill last yr with a mh issue and it was my fault. Thank god for my dad the nicest man in the world x

I've no real advice, but my DM is similar. Despite having a lifestyle that most people would be envious of, she hasn't achieved as much as she would have liked due to illness and a lack of confidence. She is now in her 60's but was not raised to be a SAHM, was pushed academically and was surrounded by high achieving women.

She can be very oversensitive and by her own admission was a difficult teenager. This let to clashes with her parents and let to a life long inferiority complex in regards to her sister.
She also has low grade depression, which has not really been tackled IMO.

She is wonderfully supportive if things are not going well. But finds it difficult to relate when life is good. As if I should have the same struggles as she did.

Added to this a jealous nature and it can be exhausting to deal with sometimes. It took about 25 years for me to figure this out, but now I understand her and it's a lot easier to deal with.

Not parents, but 2 of my friends have both said really cutting things to me since I finally ended my marriage and met someone that makes me happy. Believe me - Its not like I'm going about farting glitter and roses, but sometimes it's almost like they preferred the more miserable version of me that they were used to.
Some people struggle to feel happy for others.

Crab: Definitely relate to this: She is wonderfully supportive if things are not going well. But finds it difficult to relate when life is good. As if I should have the same struggles as she did.

My Mum loves a crisis. If I'm in trouble she is the first person there to support and help. If things are going well, she distances herself and becomes bitter and critical.

Thank you for all your feedback! (keep it coming!) xx

Sorry you are going through this - check out the 'But we took you to stately homes thread' - there's plenty of us there with similar stuff

She enjoys your pain and vulnerability. It allows her to feel strong and superior.
She is hostile, critical and sabotaging when you're successful, stable and secure.
I've been NC with my own mother for many years because of precisely this.

Oh MichaelSheens, it's so sad though isn't it. I couldn't be no NC as we do get on well despite the underlying tension. It's so sad that someone feels that way about their daughter though. It's as if when I'm strong she feels weak then?

She has little involvement with her grandchildren and never offers to help us out by taking the kids for us, so we get some time from them (we have no relatives nearby). Sometimes I feel that is also to make things more difficult for us, so that our lives aren't easy.