Mum seems to hate that I'm doing well.

[toolonglou]

Can anyone relate to this? Struggling to get my head around it.

I get strong vibes that my Mum hates that my life has turned out quite well. Ironically, I feel my life is quite average and nothing amazing. We love in a small three-bed semu, but she thinks my house is too nice and gets angry if I talk about our plans to move into a bigger house.
She said we should not have any money left at the end of the month to save or afford to send our kids to clubs like dance, sports, etc.
She is annoyed we are thinking about putting our children through tuition to do the 11+.
She hates if I show any knowledge or intelligence she is uncomfortable. She does not seem to like that I've got a degree.

In an argument she called me greedy, and that I wanted 'More, more more' all the time. My husband just laughed at this and said I was the opposite - I actually often 'make do and mend' and we live quite frugally in some areas of our lives in order to enjoy some of the treats we have. We don't have loads of money and have to watch how we manage it.

We used to be very close when I was younger, but I moved away (2 hours drive) and since then now I feel tension every time we are together - she analyses everything I say, so I tell her limited information about things that are going well for me. I feel I have exceeded her expectations, and that is making her angry.

toolonglou,

re your comment:-
"I couldn't be no NC as we do get on well despite the underlying tension.

Why did you write that? I am wondering if you are kidding yourself here by writing the above. It seems to me the only way that is acceptable to her is hers and hers alone. Instead of being happy for you she is critical and analyses everything you utter; these are not the hallmarks of a caring or loving parent. I bet your mother loves a crisis because she in her head is important then and comes to the forefront; she probably goes into full on rescue or being needed (to her this equals feeling important) or "I'm helping out toolonglou yet again" modes.

This underlying tension is not of your making, it is of hers entirely. What do you get out of this relationship with your mother now?. Is fear, obligation and guilt holding you back from further lowering all forms of contact?.

Our mums sound very similar! DM is amazing in a crisis... But just sulks at me if I don't have any problems.
She literally rolled her eyes the first time she saw my new house, and won't stay round as the spare bed is "too squishy".
Recently DP and I have been having problems and she's like superwoman... I mentioned the contrast to my dad and he said she's just a drama llama, let her have her moment!
So that's probably my advice, just leave her to it! It feels rubbish but as long as you're enjoying the good parts of your life, she doesn't need to.

Does NC mean No Contact? That's what I was guessing it meant.
I think that despite how difficult parents are, it's often not feasible or sensible to cut contact with them altogether. I would not want to do that - it would cause me a lot of guilt and also grief for the wider family.

I have cut contact down with her a lot. Which is not diffcult as she hardly keeps in touch or visits anyway. It gets me down when I think about her attitude and spending time with her is stressful, but I couldn't completely cut her off. I don't think that would bring me piece of mind.

peace of mind Lol :-)

I am astonished how casually the idea is mooted to go nc. Also the very broad b+w strokes that demonise our parents: they are BAD! Off with their heads! Cut then off!

Imo it's more nuanced than that. Parents are flawed people and, sometimes, their flaws are more serious. You'd think the people who recommend nc are perfect parents themselves, which I highly doubt. Bcs there is no such thing.

My mum can be like your mum (she is closest to me than my siblings bcs I'm the abject failure of the family lol!). I think you have to take it in the round: jealous people are not happy people. That doesn't excuse them, of course, but if I look at my mum's life, the many opportunities she plain didn't have (despite an astonishingly good brain), I'm not surprised she struggles with others' successes. Even her own children, which is so sad. For all concerned.

Yy she should 'grow up' and 'own her stuff ' but her generation simply doesn't have the emotional vocabulary to address those things - or not easily, anyway. We forget that huge advances in psychological and emotional intelligence is fairly recent, yet we judge our parents by our standards.

That's not to say we don't grieve for the mother/parent we'd like and need. That's a process all its own. Painful. But part of growing up - it takes a while.

Nc is an extremely brutal step to take - it's not called the nuclear option for nothing - and has a punitive whiff about it sometimes. Sometimes nc is necessary bcs of consistently serious abuse but the majority of the time we have to come to terms with our sometimes hopelessly flawed parents and cut our cloth accordingly eg it makes sense to limit contact, to varying degrees, and at various times, if their behaviour is just too painful for us.

It may be that my/your mum wants to be of use, to feel useful and relevant in our lives, but feels intimidated by the landscape of our lives, can't see where she fits in. Hence stepping up in a crisis - she knows how to do that, recognises it, has experience of it, feels of use.

OP, I hope you don't mind me asking springydaffs some questions. I think its relevant to your discussion. Or you may have some thoughts too OP.

Of course only if you don't mind being cornered springy!....

I've noticed a couple of times your posts on similar threads being quite different to other posts. You seem to have found quite a lot of compassion for your mother (I hope that's a description you think fits). I wonder where it comes from? I mean, I know it seems obvious, she's your mother, you know her background, but what is it about that relationship that makes us forgive so much more than we would in another relationship. I'm guessing, for example, you wouldn't say the same things about a partner.

Is it societal expectations, is it primitive, is it gratitude, love, is it learned in childhood? I wonder if you have any thoughts?

(Not my thread/my story but so you don't think I'm being goady, i was previously horrified by siblings choosing "No contact" but I'm finding my relationship with my mother increasingly difficult.)

You are not alone!

My mum is very much like this.

I think the problem with my mum is that she feels like she never achieved any of those 'expected milestones' in her life. She never studied, never got married, never bought a house (lives in a council house), she has no savings and my dad was never around. I was conceived through an affair with a married man.
She's a very sad and resentful person.

I've (miraculously) managed to land a job that's pays very well for my age (24) and is a job for life. She is on benefits, jobless and still living in a council house. I was always determined to get away from that lifestyle and am doing well in saving money for a deposit on a house.
Every time I try and talk to her about buying a house she makes sly comments about how 'it's alright for some'. She is full of self pity but fails to realise that it's her fault. She expects everything to land on her lap and doesn't realise that I've worked hard to get where I am now.

I think parents like this are very self centred and it's so difficult to deal with. I do talk with my mum but it's always about her problems. There's never any support in me doing well, only resentment.

I think it comes down to jealously and resentment, and there's not much you can do about it. Just carry on living your life and do the best you can That's what I do anyway, don't know if it's the solution!

My Mum loves a crisis. If I'm in trouble she is the first person there to support and help.

That sentence struck me. Either she is a drama vampire, or needs to be needed. If you're doing well then she is no longer needed and is superfluos. I've read that it is something women with adult children can suffer from as they've had the chidlren as their focus ofr so long, they need to relearn how to live life for themselves.

The thing that strikes me as missing from your OP is the social class factor. Does she feel that you have left your 'roots' behind?

My advice is to find safe areas of conversation and avoid sharing too much - which is a pity in itself.

I am very low contact, it works for me.

I've given up pschyoanalysing my mother, it achieves little.

Why have you started thinking about this now?

Psychoanalysing. FFS. Some day I will write a post without typos.

I'm reading a book called 'Adult children of emotionally immature parents'
Mind blowing - I suspect it may be the same for you

RunRabbit - Everytime I meet my Mum I end up feeling miserable and it is affecting my overall happiness. I want to get out of this cycle. My childhood was difficult in some ways and stressful. I feel my parents have caused too much stress for me already. Everything else in my life is happy, except this.

user1485466870 - Good for you! I did the same - I studied, worked hard and saved hard. I bought a one bed dormer bungalow as my first home.

MaybeDoctor - I think she possibly feels I've left my roots behind. My Mum grew up in a council house, although my Nan eventually bought it. Both her parents had poor upbringings. My Dad was more middle class and I think she felt she landed on her feet. The marriage wasn't particularly happy and after 25 years they split. My Dad had aspirations for us kids and his family pushed us to go to university, live in a nice area and manage our money well. I've moved from the midlands to a more affluent area in the South. It's quite posh where we live, but by comparison, our house is actually on the lower end of the scale (the cheap housing!). She probably thinks I've now become very aspirational (mainly in her own head and not based much on reality).

Thank you BetterEatCheese, I will take a look at that book.

My relationship with my mother will never be happy. There was a point some years ago when I had to come to terms with the fact that my mother doesn't love me. That was hard. When I stopped trying to change her / me / the situation then I stopped being miserable about it so much.

That said, I will have to see her soon at a big family event and I already feel a little dead inside at the thought of it even though I know I can easily close down any drama and she can't do any serious harm physical or emotional to me any more. That slight deadness will never go I think.

Cheese- that book sounds worth a read

Op- do you have any siblings? My mum gets on better with my sister but they're both very similar with their lifestyles etc.

Is she ever 'ill'? My mum's need for attention spans to calling ambulances regularly and claiming she has a new illness every week. She's a bit of a cry wolf. Don't know if it's the same for you but I think it's this desperate need for attention. The rest of the family has given up on her but I feel guilty so I try to be nicer about it.

Like cheese said I think it's emotional immaturity

My DM is similar to this. I've often wondered if it's more a fear of losing me (as I tend to move in different circles now) than outright jealousy.

My mum is similar but I'm not sure it's actual outright jealously it's s bit more complex. I have a comfortable life and no real money worries. We go on about 3- 4 holidays a year but I don't discuss it too much with mum as I get sarky comments. Money was scarce when I was growing up and foreign holidays unheard of so I think in her mind she feels judged or lacking in comparison as a parent because it was a lifestyle she couldn't offer to me. I don't think I had an inferior childhood at all but holidays are a topic I don't dwell on as mum obviously has some mixed emotions but it's not something to go NC over either

Lou - I get what you mean, I know someone whose Mum is their best friend and is totally amazing. I do feel jealous. I even feel jealous for my sisters who get on better with Mum. There's always a veiled dig about DSis being the best daughters in the world.

Our Mums sound so similar, basically NC, unless there's a crisis, then she's interested for say the first day, like when a family member attempted suicide. Then she was no where to be seen. With me in the past, she's projected my issues onto herself so she's the victim.

Completely bat shit crazy.

It's hard not to feel jealous when you see how Mums are meant to be. I think it gives us good parenting skills as I'd never do anything she's ever done.

I have this when my mum comes to my house. She is always in a bad mood and walks around in a permanent sulk. Comments about kids having too.much stuff (they don't), why do we need such a big house and we waste so much.

We nearly always go to hers and then it's better. Except I have to make sure I bring very few clothes for the kids etc

My husband bought me a designer ring last year and I swap it out when I go and see her as it will just add fuel to the jealousy.

The irony is that she is proud of what I have achieved and knows how hard I work and how stressful my life is - but she can't help those emotions. It's quite sad really.

OP, I haven't read the full thread, but you might find this interesting. It was for me anyway:

toko-pa.com/2015/05/23/the-death-mother/

Which was the first death mother I ask myself...

Hmmm my mil says that families should share their problems. But i see it as she likes to feel useful

Don't we all wizzy? We all like - no, need - to feel relevant, valuable.