Mum seems to hate that I'm doing well.

[toolonglou]

Can anyone relate to this? Struggling to get my head around it.

I get strong vibes that my Mum hates that my life has turned out quite well. Ironically, I feel my life is quite average and nothing amazing. We love in a small three-bed semu, but she thinks my house is too nice and gets angry if I talk about our plans to move into a bigger house.
She said we should not have any money left at the end of the month to save or afford to send our kids to clubs like dance, sports, etc.
She is annoyed we are thinking about putting our children through tuition to do the 11+.
She hates if I show any knowledge or intelligence she is uncomfortable. She does not seem to like that I've got a degree.

In an argument she called me greedy, and that I wanted 'More, more more' all the time. My husband just laughed at this and said I was the opposite - I actually often 'make do and mend' and we live quite frugally in some areas of our lives in order to enjoy some of the treats we have. We don't have loads of money and have to watch how we manage it.

We used to be very close when I was younger, but I moved away (2 hours drive) and since then now I feel tension every time we are together - she analyses everything I say, so I tell her limited information about things that are going well for me. I feel I have exceeded her expectations, and that is making her angry.

She gets of better with my sister, but I think that's because she feels my sister's life reflects her experience more - had a troubled marriage and divorced, money is tighter and lives in same area we grew up in.

I think keeping control over me and feeling like she's losing me is part of it. I feel that she sees me as a reflection of herself in some ways. She likes to try to influence my decisions and hates it if I have differing views. I feel myself thinking "I am my own person and separate from you". I wish she would just be happy for me and love me for who I am.

Why have children and just try to get them to fit into the little box you created for them to live in?

I can identify with this

I got on best with my mother when a serious of shit things happened to me that had also happened to her at about the same age. She seemed to like me then but looking back I feel like she liked that my shit experiences somehow validated hers if that makes sense.

I then made some very different life choices to her and my life took an up-turn. Then she really turned on me, I mean really. She seemed angry that I was healthy and happy and not destitute. I think she took it personally.

She's the type of person who I think doesn't like to take any responsibly for her own life choices. EVERYTHING about her life is someone elses fault. So me turning it around after having some similar bad luck to her I think went against that for her??

I was truely shocked at how angry she was with me when I began to turn things around for myself.

I no longer give a shit what she thinks but at the time it really hurt

Tinseltwins - I then made some very different life choices to her and my life took an up-turn. Then she really turned on me, I mean really. She seemed angry that I was healthy and happy and not destitute. I think she took it personally.
EXACTLY!
Think I will be reading this thread whenever I feel bad about stuff.

toolong

It is not your fault your mother is like this, you did not make her that way. Unfortunately as well such people like your mother do not change. She is not going to be the nice kind non critical and caring mother you still so want her to be. Its okay as well not to seek her approval any longer either; not that she would ever give you this anyway.

She gets on better with your sister because she is more favoured generally by your mother (and reminds her more of her own self); being the golden child however, is a role itself also not without price. She does not challenge nor question her mother's authority. I am also not a bit surprised to read that your childhood at home was not a happy one.

Women like your mother cannot do relationships and so the men in their lives are either discarded or are as narcissistic as they actually are. Your mother does I think see you as an extension of her own self; you're not supposed to have opinions and feelings of your own but adopt hers. She does not like the fact that you are indeed your own person.

I would read up on narcissistic personality disorder and see how much of that if any of it reflects with your own experiences of childhood.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; I wonder if yours is one of scapegoat to her. That is how it strikes me.

Ultimately you need to be a grey rock with regards to your mother and tell her nothing that is anything other than superficial.

She may feel that she only has a usefulness when things are difficult. She can step up to the role of caring but cannot fit in or relate to you or your lifestyle when things are going well. She sounds quite lost and unhappy. It's great that you've got a happy, successful life going on so I would suggest that you just enjoy your life and make the most of opportunities that come your way. She is who she is and almost certainly has a lot of issues going on. She isn't likely to change after all these years so you have to find ways of coping with that either by ignoring comments, cutting down on contact or stopping contact altogether. It's a sad situation but family life can often be quite complex.

I have had this sometimes with my mother as well. I have a disability, which does complicate things a bit. But sometimes she can be very proud, and other times she can be very jealous and unhelpful. My family is a bit of a mess though and I have a sister with mental health issues, which doesn't help.