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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Will I ever get married?!

53 replies

Jenni5443 · 01/05/2017 17:19

I've been with my partner for 5 years now two children later been engaged for about 3.... anytime I talk about getting married he diverts it and changes the subject... he always says it's money but now we are in a better place financially marriage still seems to be off the cards..... will I ever get married how long have you all been in a relationship before getting married/engaged? .....

OP posts:

bear28 · 01/05/2017 17:29

Id be blunt and address the point. getting married doesn't mean spending £10k-£30k. If i had the chance to marry my partner on the beach tomorrow or on family grounds, i would! it doesn't have to cost the world so his excuse is just a way out of talking about it. you can make table decorations, favours and all that at home even your own flower arrangements if you wanted to. Id definitely ask him up front why he is avoiding the subject.

Userwoteva · 01/05/2017 17:29

My friend got fed up of waiting, she booked the register office & told him to turn up on so & so date.

TheNaze73 · 01/05/2017 17:40

Does he actually want to get married?

Original poster

Jenni5443 · 01/05/2017 17:43

He tells me he wants to marry me and then doesn't want to speak about it... his mum cheated on his dad when he was younger they got divorced his dad lost house etc and he lived with his dad after that... I think this is the reason he won't marry me... although I have never shown him mistrust etc

OP posts:

TheFaerieQueene · 01/05/2017 17:48

Actions speak louder than words

Original poster

Jenni5443 · 01/05/2017 19:16

As suspected tried talking to him about it and it's turnt into an argument once again!! I feel like I'm begging him to marry me it shouldn't be like this surely

OP posts:

User39912014 · 01/05/2017 19:28

You shouldn't beg him to marry you. Like another poster said - actions speak louder than words.

If you have a good relationship then his parents getting divorced shouldn't stop him from having a happy marriage with you.

I wouldnt mind not getting married but at least be honest and say you never want to, don't propose and then string me along..

Original poster

Jenni5443 · 01/05/2017 19:31

That's what I feel he is doing just stringing me along...

OP posts:

User39912014 · 01/05/2017 19:53

So tell him you want to talk about it.
Give him a time and date, eg 'On Monday when you get home and the DC are in bed, we really need to discuss whether this marriage is happening or not.'

Write down everything you want to say, or anything you need him to say to you.

You're not looking to get married next Friday but you'd like some indication that you're getting married at all. And if not then you decide if that's ok or not.

Original poster

Jenni5443 · 01/05/2017 19:56

Just tried having this conversation and he says all the things I want to hear like of course I'm going to marry you we are only going to do it the once I want it to be the best not cheap and crappy. Then I'll go on to say well when can we get married when are you thinking and the dates just get further and further away every time we talk about it

OP posts:

Goldfishjane · 01/05/2017 19:58

Tell him you want registry office.
If he says no to that then I'd interpret it as not wanting to.

Original poster

Jenni5443 · 01/05/2017 20:01

He's agreed to registry office before so I was emailing arranging dates with them then surprise surprise he gets cold feet tells me I'm moving too fast ...this was about a year ago ... am I being too pushy? I think 5 years together is long enough to consider marriage surely?

OP posts:

Silverdream · 01/05/2017 20:02

25 years.

Mermaidinthesea123 · 01/05/2017 20:03

Do you need to be married? It isn't a big deal these days.

User39912014 · 01/05/2017 20:05

This sounds so much like my sister and her ex.

They were together years and had a child together and she kept waiting for him to propose, it was so heartbreaking to see her get excited about the fact he might be proposing this Christmas or on the baby's 1st birthday or on their anniversary and then see how disappointed she was when it never happened.
She did confront him about it and he said he was waiting for when he had enough money to buy her a nice ring and money to start planning the wedding straight away, because he didn't want to be engaged for years and not be able to book anything, and that he loved her so much and couldn't wait to marry her. She told him so many times she didn't care where they got married or how much it cost.

Meanwhile he's splashing the cash on new suits for himself for work (£500 a pop) was always going out for food with his mates or out on the piss (spending again about £500 per night out) and then he saved up and bought himself a car for £4000.

He was never going to go through with it.

JK1773 · 01/05/2017 20:05

I think it is a big deal when you've been proposed to. I'm not a believer in marriage for me personally but this poor OP has been asked and cannot plan a wedding or get any answer as to when it might happen. I'd be very disheartened by this and I would be questioning his motives

Goldfishjane · 01/05/2017 20:51

Oh you tried that already
I would take it as never then

It's up to you how you feel about it but if it's putting you in a weak position legally that's a big problem. I never wanted marriage but I never wanted joint finance or kids which legally is a whole different ball game.

Also I'd be sad that someone just lied about what they wanted, if he doesn't want to he should bloody say so.

Allofaflumble · 01/05/2017 20:54

Trouble is once they carry on like this, there's no pleasure feeling you've had to cajole someone into marrying you. Not very flattering is it? I was with someone like this but did not have kids thank goodness.

Complete waste of my time.

Original poster

Jenni5443 · 01/05/2017 21:23

So what should I do? I would love to get married just something I've always wanted. But don't want to waste my time if he just doesn't ever have the intention to do so

OP posts:

oldestmumaintheworld · 01/05/2017 21:32

I think you know the answer and its a big fat 'No'. I'm really sorry because it must be awful for you - wanting to get married and being with someone who doesn't want to. So I think you have a choice to make; either accept that it isn't going to happen and drag him to a solicitors office and make sure you and your children are protected, or tell him that he has xxxx amount of time to take you up the aisle or its over. Either way I think its going to be difficult. Good luck.

Allofaflumble · 01/05/2017 21:32

Well only you can decide really. I left mine in the end and he was with someone else really quickly after. To this day I dread hearing he has married someone. The whole thing dragged on so long but in the end I went off him.

I understand it's not so easy if you have children. All you can do is sit him down, ask for the truth and if he does want to marry insist on setting a date. ??

Goldfishjane · 01/05/2017 21:47

OP why do you want marriage?
Not that you have to answer to me, lol
I'm just thinking if there's legal and financial issues then tell him. If he doesn't accept things like joint property etc you might find yourself wanting to leave
If it's just sentiment then it's a lot different than if it's about practicalities
If it's practical stuff you might need to do other legal paperwork eg wills, home stuff - do you own property, if so, joint separate etc?

SiouxieQ · 01/05/2017 21:51

Is cut my losses OP, you're putting your life on hold the longer you wait around the more time you waste, time you could spend finding the man who actually loves you enough to be your husband.

Original poster

Jenni5443 · 01/05/2017 21:53

It is litterally just the sentiment of being married ... it has really really upset me makes you feel rejected like you're not good enough

OP posts:

Bobbins43 · 01/05/2017 22:21

OP, I get where you are coming from about wanting to be married. To know that someone has deliberately and specifically chosen you to spend their life with

I think you need to decide whether you want to go down this road or not with him. If it turns out that he doesn't want to get married and it's not a money thing, what will you do then?

I feel for you, I really do.

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