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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Will I ever get married?!

53 replies

Jenni5443 · 01/05/2017 17:19

I've been with my partner for 5 years now two children later been engaged for about 3.... anytime I talk about getting married he diverts it and changes the subject... he always says it's money but now we are in a better place financially marriage still seems to be off the cards..... will I ever get married how long have you all been in a relationship before getting married/engaged? .....

OP posts:

Allofaflumble · 01/05/2017 22:34

Yes I understand that feeling very well Jenni. Not feeling good enough. It really does feel like that and it eats away at you.

I hope you can sort it out.

Isetan · 02/05/2017 05:46

Actions speak louder than words and his actions scream he doesn't want to get married. The balls in your court, is it a deal breaker or not?

LadyLapsang · 02/05/2017 07:21

I wouldn't have children before marriage for this very reason. If I were you I would take your engagement ring off and book an appointment at the solicitors to sort out wills etc. on the basis you will not marry. If he asks why you have taken the ring off, just tell him you are sick of the constant questions from friends / relatives regarding when the wedding will take place and will put it back when you have booked a venue (if that ever happens).

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/05/2017 07:32

If this man does get married it will not be to you. He does not want to be married to you.

I would cut my losses now.

SandyY2K · 02/05/2017 07:42

Do you need to be married? It isn't a big deal these days.

Perhaps not to you, but it is to many people in society.

OP, I don't think you should do anything like book the registry and tell him to show up. I wouldn't be impressed if that was done to me.

He should marry you of his own free will.

I'll be honest with you. Having children is one of the reasons that many people get married to the one they love.

You've had children already, so from his POV, there's not much incentive to get married, especially having seen what happened with his parents, he knows if anything happens he can walk away from you easier and with much less of a financial hit.

I'd just say to anyone who wants to get married, don't have children first, if marriage is very important to you.

I got married after 2 years of being in a relationship. My DH was not moving at a pace I was happy with and I told him that I wanted to take a break (I was ready to end the relationship,) so he had space to think about it. As I wasn't prepared to waste my time.

I was able to do that because I didn't have children to think about.

He didn't want a break,but
I had a timeline in my mind and would have walked if nothing changed. As it happens he proposed within that time.... and we've had 18 years as a married couple.

ElinoristhenewEnid · 02/05/2017 07:42

Agree with lady lapsang 're children before marriage although a bit late for you now op. I think once you have dcs it puts you on the back foot when talking about marriage - reminds me of the cow and milk saying.
You are very vulnerable op

Bobbins43 · 02/05/2017 10:17

I think Lady Lapsang's course of action seems an appropriate one.

bert3400 · 02/05/2017 10:43

With my DH for 15 years before we got married . I wanted to have the same name as him and our two DC . So we got married 3 years ago so far I've changed my name on Facebook and that's it !!

Ellisandra · 02/05/2017 10:45

I agree about the solicitor.
Tell him that a wedding is very obviously off the cards "for now" and therefore you'll both need to sort out financial protection as an interim measure.

Wills, yes. But also you need to do a proper inventory of finances.

how is the house held? Your name or his? In equal shares?
are you paying less into a pension because you're part time looking after kids? If so, family disposable income has to be rejigged so that you have an equal pension payment - possible more to redress a deficit already
are you sacrificing your career opportunities for his? That has to stop

He doesn't have to marry you - but you should still insist on managing your relationship and finances fairly.

If he simply had never wanted to marry you, I'd say that sadly you can't do much about that. But the fact he very much has and continues to lead you on would really make me question his commitment, sorry. If it is only about him wanting an expensive wedding, then I would expect him to cost it out with you, work out when you can afford that wedding, and agree the date based on that.

Original poster

Jenni5443 · 02/05/2017 11:56

Yes I think I am
Just going to take the ring off!! It is stressing me out. He seems to be acting so so so selfish about it not thinking what I may want from life. I'm not saying he has to marry me but at least have the balls and tell me he doesn't see himself marrying me. Seriously questioning his commitment to me and the kids now and if he did leave I'd be left in a very vulnerable situation I only work part time also no savings nothing .

OP posts:

PookieDo · 02/05/2017 12:06

This happened to me too. It did feel horrible. I don't know why he proposed with no intention of marrying it made me feel really sad and worthless. I did leave him - not just for this reason but many, and he instantly tried to back peddle and agree to finally marry me. That made me feel even more sad! We had DC and I just felt not good enough to share their name and be financially protected.
He's now engaged again (I was no2, she is no3 fiancée) and I will be surprised if he marries her either. I think some people are just too cowardly to be really honest about marriage

EvansGreen · 02/05/2017 12:16

why marriage is so important to you? you are in a good financial situation and 2 kids, as I see you don't have any problems in relationship

Original poster

Jenni5443 · 02/05/2017 12:26

Also baring in mind he has just lost £300 in the bookies.....

OP posts:

PookieDo · 02/05/2017 12:35

To be fair to OP what she is saying is the same as I felt - he's asked her, then has no intention of following through. He's made all the right noises about wanting to do it - then won't.
So it's a false promise, it feels like lying and it slowly over time makes you feel insignificant.
Marriage to women is important because it offers financial security living together does not. It's also a commitment bond between 2 people. It's ok to want marriage it doesn't make OP shallow or weak, led to believe this is what would happen it's not really OP's position to just suck it up.
If 2 people are honest and say you know what, I don't agree with marriage then you have an honest opinion and can decide what you want to do about it. In this case he isn't being honest so it's about more than marriage, it's about communication, honesty and trust. Without those a relationship becomes worthless

Adora10 · 02/05/2017 12:47

Marriage is important to some people so no point in asking them why, it just bloody is; esp when you have two children with that person.

OP, sorry but I'd forget asking him again.

PookieDo · 02/05/2017 12:52

I would take the advice given about giving back the ring and getting legal advice re wills. I really would

Thumbcat · 02/05/2017 12:56

You should book an appointment for you both with a solicitor to go through wills, arrangements re house, children etc in case of split. Then give him the ring back and tell him about the appointment. Tell him you no longer want to be part of the farce that he'll marry you one day and that you're moving forward with your life based on the assumption that it won't happen but you want some of the legal protection that marriage brings. His reaction to that should tell you all you need to know.

haveacupoftea · 02/05/2017 13:00

Maybe he's already married and hasn't told you? or is trying to clear some big debts before your wedding?

RalphMalph · 02/05/2017 15:57

Question is did he propose of free will or was he following hints. If the relationship is happy and he shows no signs of attempting to move on then where's the issue? Some of the longest relationships I know of are not marriages. Is it the cash of a big wedding or all the eyes on him. Aside for religious or migratory reasons it seems a pointless act. Most men I know married or not seem indifferent to the concept.

Original poster

Jenni5443 · 02/05/2017 19:32

Really feel like he's shown
His true colours after actually confronting him about it. Don't think he has any intentions of staying!

OP posts:

LadyLapsang · 02/05/2017 19:50

OP, I'm so sorry. Better, however, to be frank now than be strung along for years.

Original poster

Jenni5443 · 02/05/2017 19:53

I have took the ring off as suggested he is not one bit bothered

OP posts:

SiouxieQ · 02/05/2017 19:53

Sorry OP but it sounds like you have your answer and you can begin to move on and make the life you want for yourself and your children.
He's not good enough for you.

Original poster

Jenni5443 · 02/05/2017 19:54

Thanks not hoe I feel right now though sometimes when you try your best it still isn't good enough

OP posts:

Barbaro · 02/05/2017 20:01

It does look like he doesnt want to be married unfortunately. His past experience being a part of that. Up to you if marriage is important enough to you to leave him and find someone else.

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