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Original poster

Should I stay for financial benefits?

67 replies

MrsGlennRhee · 01/05/2017 09:30

This will be a divider guys n gals.

My partner and I are on the verge of a break up. He doesn't really know it but it's definitely approaching. He cheated about a year ago and things just haven't been the same since and it's almost like we're just friends who love together now.

Anyway here's the thing..

He's very financially comfortable. He happened to fall into a very well paying job a few years back. Neither of us have any qualifications so him landing this job was great. I've unfortunately just been laid off at my minimum wage job, but he says it's fine and that his wages will cover everything and I'll find another job soon.

I don't think we should be together anymore. It's just not working.
However... he told me that next month he's be buying me driving lessons and a car. I'm 32 and have never been able to afford driving lessons etc.

I know this sounds fucking horrible and I would totally be using him.. but I wanna wait until after I've got my car to break up?

I would pay him back for the car (obviously would have to be in instalments)

It's just a really bad moral dilemma. I know what's the right thing to do.. but I've honestly been trying to save for driving lessons for years and there's always something that comes up etc.

I'm not posting here to get nasty replies please x

OP posts:
Gallavich · 01/05/2017 09:32

That would be a morally horrible thing to do. Personally I couldn't live with myself if I did this.

TokenGinger · 01/05/2017 09:35

God, that's awful. How could it even enter somebody's mind to use somebody like that? So incredibly selfish.

JangleJem · 01/05/2017 09:40

I would. Payback for cheating. Cunt. Two wrongs don't make a right and all that but I definitely would.

PaintingByNumbers · 01/05/2017 09:44

so you are not married and no kids? also not generally sharing finances, or else you could have got your own driving lessons years ago? is it honestly worth it just for a few hundred quids worth of lessons?
an alternative could be relationship counselling, if you want to salvage the relationship?

Original poster
MrsGlennRhee · 01/05/2017 09:44

Lol I knew this would be a touchy one...

Yes, it is incredibly selfish.
And I've already said it's morally wrong etc.

But sometimes you have to do things you don't like to get ahead. In this case it would be me finally being able to drive.

OP posts:
fruitbats · 01/05/2017 09:45

No. I have too much self respect to even consider doing this.

Original poster
MrsGlennRhee · 01/05/2017 09:46

We've already tried councilling, he's great at pretending to change for our relationship. He cheated after I had a miscarriage. Said it was all the stress and upset he needed to feel loved and couldn't turn to me because I was too upset.
I guess it's partly resentment, partly just me really wanting to drive.

OP posts:
PaintingByNumbers · 01/05/2017 09:50

its not the worse thing i've ever heard of, go for it if you want, but if you need to do it for revenge, be aware the toll it can take on you as well

QuiteLikely5 · 01/05/2017 09:51

How about you return to education so you can train in a career you love and that pays well?

Bit sad being beholden to a man because of €€€

When you have children with someone else if it all goes pear shaped then are you just going to hang around for a decade ?

Be wise

Original poster
MrsGlennRhee · 01/05/2017 10:08

I can't afford to go back to education. I have thought about it and researched it and I would have to pay for my studies myself (no student loans etc)

I don't feel like I have to stay with him because of his money, I know I'd be much worse off if we split, but with everything that's happened at least I'd get something good out of it.

OP posts:
something2say · 01/05/2017 10:15

Why don't you ask him outright then? Hey listen, so I don't think we're really going anywhere but how about we live as mates for s bit and since you've got all this spare cash, can I have some of it for those driving lessons?

On the whole I don't agree with this tho. In working in DV, obviously o saw a lot of male abuse to women, but I did also see a fair few women who were financially abusing men. It's old school now, both ends of it.

pallasathena · 01/05/2017 10:19

Sometimes, you have to be selfish and this I think is one of those times.
You've been badly treated, have limited prospects and you are going to have to fend for yourself in what can sometimes be a very cruel world.
If driving lessons and a car can help you to gain a foothold in life and help you get back on your feet to earn a living and support yourself then I'd just go for it.
Think of it as compensation for the poor treatment and dreadful behaviour you have suffered from your soon to be ex.

Lanaa · 01/05/2017 10:24

I wouldn't even think twice. Stay, get what you need and leave when you're in a better position. Good luck OP.

Afreshstartplease · 01/05/2017 10:25

I'd do it

He fucked you over so why the hell not

Auspiciouspanda · 01/05/2017 10:27

How would you be able to afford to run a car and a home by yourself if you don't have a job and your only prospects are a minimum wage job?

Original poster
MrsGlennRhee · 01/05/2017 10:30

Aus I wouldn't I'd have to move back in with my parents for a while. But at least it's cheaper and I'd be able to maintain a car for a while until my insurance cost etc goes down. And I would use the car to pick up extra work, delivering pizzas or anything really.

OP posts:
Auspiciouspanda · 01/05/2017 10:38

Honestly... you sound pathetic. Your going to stay with someone to get free driving lessons and a car then when leaving instead of standing on your own two feet your going to run home to mummy and daddy.

Him cheating on you a year ago is not a reason, you forgave him and stuck around for a year.

Original poster
MrsGlennRhee · 01/05/2017 10:41

Aus well aren't you helpful?!

Thank you so much for your insightful and not at all unnecessary comment ❤

OP posts:
user1482079332 · 01/05/2017 10:50

Yea it's so lol staying with someone for driving lessons. Muster some dignity no amount of money will be worth faking your way through a relationship least of all a few hundred quid don't be so cheap and better yourself

MichaelaS · 01/05/2017 10:59

I think this is a massive no go.

If you're willing to hang around in a fake relationship for a while to benefit financially, why not try prostitution? (Yes I'm being goady but staying is tantamount to the same thing IMO)

EatsLeavesAndShit · 01/05/2017 10:59

It's just a really bad moral dilemma.

It's not at all. It's a disgusting thing to do.

Your DP sounds like an arsehole but do you really think you could happily prostitute yourself for the next 9 months / a year until you pass your test? If so, you and your DP deserve each other.

picklemepopcorn · 01/05/2017 11:09

I would actually, and I'm normally pretty black and white about ethics.

Many people stay in a relationship longer than is ideal for financial reasons- till they have saved a deposit, or for health reasons- after an operation when they need support/can't look after children, or until is is more convenient for children's schooling.

Op will be able to be more independent, can get a job more easily etc. I suppose I'd feel it more strongly if you had home responsibilities...

Also maybe if you are happier because you have a better job and more independence, you will like him more again?

picklemepopcorn · 01/05/2017 11:10

Maybe he is using this to keep you, though? How would you feel if he had done this to effectively pay you to stay? How will he feel about you splitting up?

Original poster
MrsGlennRhee · 01/05/2017 11:17

This is a totally mixed response...

I completely understand that it's not the right thing to do.

HOWEVER. He's made some bad decisions in this relationship, too. Cheating wasn't the right thing to do.

I should also point out that at the beginning of our relationship he couldn't get credit so I agreed to take out a loan for him so he could buy a car for himself. I'm actually in debt of around 5k.

And I don't consider it prostitution in any way, like I said we're more like friends who live together by now.

I don't think it's a 'disgusting' thing to do, that's a bit OTT. He's aware out relationship isn't the best yet he's still offering to pay for my lessons and car. That was his decision, I didn't influence it at all.

I think I will talk to him about it, though.

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 01/05/2017 11:24

You realise you're thinking about staying with him for what could be upwards of six months for the sake of a car and driving lessons. You'd be better off getting out, getting a job and spending the £30 a week yourself on a lesson. No way could I put up with someone I didn't even like for that long.