Should I stay for financial benefits?

[MrsGlennRhee]

This will be a divider guys n gals.

My partner and I are on the verge of a break up. He doesn't really know it but it's definitely approaching. He cheated about a year ago and things just haven't been the same since and it's almost like we're just friends who love together now.

Anyway here's the thing..

He's very financially comfortable. He happened to fall into a very well paying job a few years back. Neither of us have any qualifications so him landing this job was great. I've unfortunately just been laid off at my minimum wage job, but he says it's fine and that his wages will cover everything and I'll find another job soon.

I don't think we should be together anymore. It's just not working.
However... he told me that next month he's be buying me driving lessons and a car. I'm 32 and have never been able to afford driving lessons etc.

I know this sounds fucking horrible and I would totally be using him.. but I wanna wait until after I've got my car to break up?

I would pay him back for the car (obviously would have to be in instalments)

It's just a really bad moral dilemma. I know what's the right thing to do.. but I've honestly been trying to save for driving lessons for years and there's always something that comes up etc.

I'm not posting here to get nasty replies please x

So- the general consensus here is no, don't do it. It's using and abusing etc etc.

And yet- if this was posed from another direction: i.e. the OP saying 'help. My partner has been unfaithful, I can't see a future for us- but I am financially dependent on him and can't even drive', then my guess would be that most replies would be along the lines of 'get your ducks in a row.'

Well, this my friends is what 'getting your ducks in a row' looks like for the OP. Difference is that she's self aware enough to realise that that's what she's doing.

OP. Get your driving licence and then leave if that's what you think would be best for you long term.

I think you need to work out how to get the 5k debt paid down by him before you leave.

Cheating is far more morally horrible. Take the driving lessons.

'help. My partner has been unfaithful, I can't see a future for us- but I am financially dependent on him and can't even drive', then my guess would be that most replies would be along the lines of 'get your ducks in a row.'

Exactly. I just mentioned on another post that how threads go usually relies on how the OP phrases themselves...

That's so true.. I'm not sugar coating anything, or pretending that I have a different motive. I'm being totally honest and I know it's not morally right. But maybe it is right in my situation?

I'm with MichaelaS if you're ok with prostitution go ahead if not then don't your selling yourself very cheap. Sleeping with/pretending to love a man you have no feelings for for driving lessons??

infinite please see previous posts 👍

I have

Oh, when did I say I'm going to prostitute myself? Or say that I'm going to pretend to love him? I've been completely open about everything tbh.

You're just cherry-picking my post.

So he's paid the majority of the bills (presumably throughout the relationship) but you took some debt on for the car?

IMO, you should work out what half the bills would have been, less what you paid towards them, then take that off whatever part of the 5k you gave to him for the car. I suppose you could argue you've had use of the car with him chauffeuring you about, but that's getting a bit picky.

Whatever's left is what he should be paying you to clear off his part of the loan. That, to me, would be the moral approach and I feel it would be wrong for you to take the £700 plus lesson costs if you're intending to leave.

You might also want to consider going to CAB and seeing about going bankrupt (if they advise it) to clear the debt off, or entering a voluntary agreement with the loan company. Once you're single and earning very little, that debt is going to continue growing and be even harder to service. Your credit rating will take a pounding, but it can't be that great now - not if you're only paying 10 quid a month against a 5k debt.

You think you will be using him (which is what he wants you to think) but he is being duplicitous and using you even more.
He is screwing you over a second time by not paying down the loan for his car. He is hoping that the bait of driving lessons and a cheap used car of your own will distract you from noticing this. You are agreeing to 700 to compensate for 5k. Don't fall for it.

Your crap credit score resulting from this loan will keep you dependent on him. Snake.

Renegotiate everything so that the loan is paid off as a priority. Otherwise he is continuing to use you.

You need to talk about the 5k loan. It was foe him, he's earning, he needs to pay that off. At this rate its going to cost you waaaaaaay more than 5k.

honestly, hes fucked around and now is fucking you over on the car thing as well. tell him he needs to pay that off asap before he starts pretending to be buying you stuff like driving lessons.

If you get a job, what will you do?

Pay your own way?

If he is comfortably off, why hasn't he cleared the £5k he owes you, which is bringing down your credit rating and earning interest all the time it isn't paid?

If he is comfortably off and paying for everything, why haven't you got any money when you only lost your job recently?

I'm not challenging your story OP, I just don't think he has been fair about money. Has he been paying a mortgage, and building up equity in a house in his name while you have been covering food etc?

Anyway, as the £5k he owes you is stopping you buying your car and lessons, then it's fine to stay until you are sorted.

Sounds like a clever controlling cheat, unless I have misunderstood your posts...