Self esteem and dignity in the floor

[Roundandroundwegoagain]

Years and years of ups and down, DCs, job upheavals and major trust issues and arguing have now caused DP to suffer a breakdown. It's terrible but I feel so resentful that my PND was ignored and I was called crazy and all sorts when I was really struggling as I had no support at all and now even though I am being as supportive as I can be I'm not allowed to say single thing he seems out of place. Thanks god his drinking and angry outbursts are less but it's still like I cant say anything or he will just shut me out like he's done for years, silent treatement and so on. He moved out a little while ago because he can't cope with the constant arguing (he loses his temper when I say something he doesn't like or I don't agree with his opinion) which is fine as it is calmer but we are stuck in limbo as he can't make up his mind what he wants. For me it's just fuelling the resentment and whilst I do still love him his constant inability to make up his mind about whether he wants to make things work is crushing my self esteem.

I don't know how to just let this go once and for all as I keep getting pulled back into this because we have children.

Anyone? I'm feeling so low at the moment and reading another thread about stonewalling and outbursts has really made it clear that he has no respect for me anyone. It's really sad that it's come to this and I just feel a bit lost at the moment, as he isn't the person I fell in love with and I just want him to be kind and gentle again not the raging passive aggressive man that's replaced him.

Sorry, don't know if I can be of much help but you are definitely better off out of this situation. It will be difficult at first but you will get through it. Is there anyone you can talk to in real life? I understand what you mean about wanting him to change, I went through this with my EXH, it's like mourning the relationship you once had. He's not likely to change though I know it's difficult but I would make the decision for him, it's not fair for you to be left in limbo like this. My EXH treated me really badly when he was having his first affair (that I know of), he was nasty and cold towards me. He changed his mind and decided he wanted to make it work but I could never forget the affair and I really struggled with the level of nastiness he showed me too. I eventually divorced him 6 years later after he cheated again. He moved out 18 months ago and my self esteem still hasn't fully recovered. I am much happier now though. This relationship sounds very damaging for you so I think you need to make the decision for him and end it or give him a deadline.

I'm so sorry to hear about what he did to you, what selfish behaviour.

I still want to make it work, there have been no affairs (that I'm aware of, although I spent a few months opening up to a distant friend but don't think this constitutes an emotional affair) from his side but there have been lies about mundane things hence serious trust issues.

He is saying he doesn't know how to fix things but I feel that's just complacency so I'm at a loss.

Give him a deadline and say you need couples counseling. Tbh though, it sounds like you're better off investing in yourself and not him. He doesn't sound very pleasant. Have you had counseling? You seem to be relying on him for your self worth.

Write him off.
Start afresh.
For you.

I've suggested it and he agrees but each time I think it will be fine I find out he has not been entirely honest with me. He travels for work and I found club receipts which pisses me off when I'm looking after the kids and supposedly working and depressed and anxious. It's this sort of behaviour that makes me really angry and upset.

Can you go to counseling yourself?

I'm not sure if it would help practically. Maybe, I just feel so sad and unable to focus on anything but trying to fix this but I can't trust anything he says as he will minimise everything. He behaves like he wants to be single but then I guess feels guilty so focuses on the children when it suits him. He prefers his travelling, drinking and socialising lifestyle to the boring mundane family one.

I would love to be in his position and him mine for five minutes so he is able to realise the damage he has inflicted as I feel his behaviour is beyond cruel sometimes. The worst is when he constantly complains how lazy I am - I am not but his standards are impossible to live up to and I should t even be trying to as if he can't accept me for who I am then he just needs to let me go.

I have not been insecure except in this relationship and he seems to enjoy me being on the back foot.

I'm tired of his sneaking around and pretending he's not, it makes me look at him in a less tan favourable way and he'll then get angry, very angry that I don't have him on a pedestal. He will then threaten to l and then do so for a few days, he actually left this time but had been back and forth. My head is a mess and I can't focus on being a decent mother or my work becaus of it.

what stops you leaving? do you need to hear from him a sorry, an admission of how he has hurt you? I dont think this will happen. can you move on without it? counselling could help with this

I think you need to accept he's no good for you and take the power back. Is there anyone who can help in RL?

No family and very friends these days. He doesn't care who he hurts as everything he does he justifies in some way. The clubbing with his 20 something colleagues and lying about it is another kick in the teeth. He's supposed to be one of the most senior people in his company and I just feel embarrassed that at almost 40 he's carrying on like a teenager. I feel hurt and totally disrespected and he feels he's entitled to do this. These are clubs with girls serving in their underwear, it makes me sad to think he hasn't grown up in any way and the minute my back is turned he does as he pleases. He gets angry then when I can't trust him. I find his behaviour very base and I do wonder if he is cheating although I struggle to think he wouldn't be honest if he did.

He is setting a terrible example for our children but refuses to acknowledge or accept his behaviour isn't conducive to family life. He claims he doesn't know what he wants and if I can't trust him he can't carry on. He won't change as he thinks he's not doing anything wrong.

I don't know how to stop hoping everything will be ok and he hasn't cheated on his many trips away.

It is fantastic that the drunk angry abusive man has moved out. It is a shame that you want him back.

Get some therapy. Have you done the Freedom Programme?

If not for yourself, do it for your children so you don't lead them by example into abusive relationships like yours.

You have written lengthy posts here. Nowhere is there a single statement about what you want from life, except in relation to him. Can you state what you want from life in a way that has nothing to do with him?

Unfortunately it feels like everything has become about him. My sole focus was trying to salvage our family but I can't do that alone and his latest trip shenanigans have made me realise he just doesn't care. I am struggling to let this whole dream of having a happy family go as he isn't who I thought he was.

You are having trouble accepting who he is and that you cannot ever have a happy traditional family with him. All the evidence clearly show this to be the case so I'm not going to try to convince you. It is all right there in front of your face.

Here's a different approach though. What if he doesn't come back? What kind of life would you build? What do you want to do?

That's a good question, I'd like a decent, adequate home, which he's never helped provide, the place is falling apart. I'd like to rebuild my career which is non existent since the DCs (we are not married and he has been financially absuive during really rough patches as in taken my cards away). I'd like a friend more than anything, someone I can laugh with and just spend time with. What devastates me the most is that I want it with him b cause he is the father of the DCs and I can't share them in that way with anyone but him.

I also feel like nobody will ever want to be in a relationship with me as what if what he says is true and I do nothing and contribute nothing and have no value to offer? I feel so low right now and it's really affecting my relationships with everyone.

To everyone else he comes across as the nicest guy and would bend over backwards to accommodate anyone but with me it's like I'm the devil reincarnate. It's awful.

He seems to want his complete freedom but then still be in a fatherly role when it suits him. When he can't be bothered or I actually need support he will say you're their mother you deal with it, when I'm with them I don't contact you do I?

For all intents and purposes I've been a single parent for ages with him stringing me along I suppose. I never used to be thins week, pathetic and insipid chasing after so bloke.

Oh and I don't want to be with someone who withholds intimacy to punish me. It's terribly cruel.

I think you might have to let go of the man you think he is.

You say he treats you really poorly and goes clubbing which you find disrespectful and base.This is who he is.

It's difficult to reconcile it but if you can accept the reality it will move you forwards.
What is the housing situation? Are you joint owners?

It's time to take 1 step forward as a single woman as you seem dependant on him which makes you feel afraid to break the link.

What is the one thing you can do to move your life forwards? Can you reach out to someone to talk? Can you research finances so you don't feel dependant?

No it's a rented flat. I don't care about the going out, it's specifically the type of places he will go to and that he will lie about it.

I'm in such a bad place with it all I can't see a way forward right now, I keep hoping something will happen to just fix everything.

I'm exhausted all the time which is part of the problem so I can't concentrate on moving fOrward. I'm barely keeping it together for my children.

I would consider counselling but each time I think we may be making progress there is something to knock things back ten steps like finding out he's been out on the lash under the pretext of working and then lying to me about it. It undermines any respect of love I had for him and he's angry I won't let him do exactly what he wants all the time even if it negatively affects me.

I don't know how to let go of this I feel like I'm stuck in a spider web and slowly suffocating.

It's just so awful to feel this despondent with him calling all the shots and keeping me at arms length unless it suits him.

You sound exhausted. Sounds like you are living in a Sick System Does it ring any bells with you?

Yes, that's sounds about right, I feel like I'm living in some crazy parallel universe most of the time as it is and the bit about standing their will pills but partner to busy watching WoW is darkly humourous. I don't know how to stop it and I don't think this is sadly salavagable now he's gone again. It's a real mess as in my head

As is my head*

If that blog spoke to you then maybe her other articles might help too. Here's the follow up to the one I posted before:

www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems-qualities-that-keep-you-stuck.html

So there's no hope of salvaging things if this is the case? I suppose it's impossible to rebuild trust and get back to the happy place in he beginning.

It sounds very much to me that he is an emotionally abusive and manipulative narcissist. Have a read up about the red flags. If he is a narc then he doesn't love you or your children no matter what he says. The only person a narc loves is himself, he gets a form of perverse enjoyment from inflicting emotional pain on you (mine used to do a sort of smug smile to himself when he had ground me down until I cried). If he is a narc the only thing to do is to limit contact with him as much as possible. Please get counselling for yourself and do not believe him when he says you are useless or that no one else will love you. Remember that no one who loved you would ever try and run you down or hurt you.

No, of course you can't salvage it.

He is who he is, which isn't who you want him to be. You might as well wait for him to morph into George Clooney.

Salvage your own life as your own person. You couldn't even write a single sentence about your future without making it about him somehow. Do you even know how to think about yourself as an independent person any more?

I'd say you need counselling on your own to help you get your head round how fucking fantastic it is that he has gone. So many women have a horrific time getting rid of their knobheads.