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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Self esteem and dignity in the floor

53 replies

Roundandroundwegoagain · 01/05/2017 08:43

Years and years of ups and down, DCs, job upheavals and major trust issues and arguing have now caused DP to suffer a breakdown. It's terrible but I feel so resentful that my PND was ignored and I was called crazy and all sorts when I was really struggling as I had no support at all and now even though I am being as supportive as I can be I'm not allowed to say single thing he seems out of place. Thanks god his drinking and angry outbursts are less but it's still like I cant say anything or he will just shut me out like he's done for years, silent treatement and so on. He moved out a little while ago because he can't cope with the constant arguing (he loses his temper when I say something he doesn't like or I don't agree with his opinion) which is fine as it is calmer but we are stuck in limbo as he can't make up his mind what he wants. For me it's just fuelling the resentment and whilst I do still love him his constant inability to make up his mind about whether he wants to make things work is crushing my self esteem.

I don't know how to just let this go once and for all as I keep getting pulled back into this because we have children.

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Original poster
Roundandroundwegoagain · 02/05/2017 12:50

Thank you for your replies. I am struggling with not having any answers from him, it's really messing with my head and nc isn't an option as we have children.

Sometimes I see the person I remember but mostly it just feels like it's a game to him

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/05/2017 13:42

I am struggling with not having any answers from him That because you have been abused for so long you have forgotten how to find your own answers.

Try this. Assume he is never coming back and has become a total bastard who will play games with you and the children to get sick kicks. Assuming that, what do you do next?

nachogazpacho · 02/05/2017 13:55

You need to look at it from a fresh angle. You want him to change. He can't change.

His brain puts him firmly at the centre of the universe. You and your children do not have needs of your own. This is why he has no issues controlling you, lying to you and running you down.

This way of thinking he will never be able to change. The happy life you thought you'd have with him is impossible

nachogazpacho · 02/05/2017 13:58

If you are worried about him don't be. My ex was just like this and when I asked him to leave he already had another woman lined up. They apparently had the best summer ever. Sadly after their honeymoon period he treated her exactly the same way.

nachogazpacho · 02/05/2017 13:59

And you will never get a straight answer, but if you look back and join the dots he's already answered what you need to here through his behaviour.

nachogazpacho · 02/05/2017 14:11

Bloody hell that sick system link is it exactly. I remember my pill in hand moment where the light bulb went and I said ' no more'. Then I panicked as my future was now uncertain. Then I felt like the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. OP it's like kicking a bad habit, you have to go through cold turkey but it saves you and your children's lives.

picklemepopcorn · 02/05/2017 14:15

He is so not worth this! He wasn't there when you needed him. He isn't being at all reasonable now. Keep yourself and your children away from his erratic behaviour.

Adora10 · 02/05/2017 14:35

He's a selfish man who will never put you first, he has shown you that; you've stuck it out in the hope he will change; he won't, ever.

life is too short to allow one human being to suck the joy out of it; you don't have to go along with his miserable life, you can make a new one for yourself and I'd suggest you do just that.

Don't look to him for words, looks at his actions, that's all you need to know.

Original poster
Roundandroundwegoagain · 02/05/2017 14:37

Has counselling ever helped anyone in this situation? He has said he's on some list for his own therapy but the NHS takes a while.

Not sure there is another woman, however, I can't say for certain as his behaviour ticks all the boxes in here. He has the children a fair amount of the time but I guess that doesn't mean there isn't.

My head feels like it's going to explode as yes it's like kicking an addiction that makes sense and I'm quite impulsive at the best of times which reallybis what's probably got me into this diabolical mess in the first place. He does blame me for being abusive which I've come to learn is him projecting.

I'm so torn between being my old self and saying fuck this fuck that and fuck him but then get pulled back because if I gave him on certain things (i.e. Boundaries) then he wouldn't be such a prick to me.

I feel completely frozen and he won't let me communicate and listen to the effects his actions have had. That's why I ask about counselling as it's a sae environment with a neutral party so they'll have to listen to me speak

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Original poster
Roundandroundwegoagain · 02/05/2017 14:39

Hi Adora,

Yes you're so right, his life isn't miserable he's on top of the world with his travel and freedom and picking and choosing to do as he pleases. I don't wish him I'll I just wish he could be me for half an hour.

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Original poster
Roundandroundwegoagain · 02/05/2017 14:59

I'm in honest I just feel heartbroken all the time and wonder if it is me. I don't want sympathy I just want to feel loved.

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picklemepopcorn · 02/05/2017 15:08

Well, you aren't going to feel that with him, I don't think. It wasn't about you when you had PND, and it's not about you now. When will it be your turn? Has he ever cherished you? Or have you been the giver, the carer?

Original poster
Roundandroundwegoagain · 02/05/2017 15:16

He used to care, very much which is why I'm still stupidly holding on. He can't cope with any stress though and that also means dealing with issues that he creates with shitty actions which upset me.

We've just had an ugly exchange in text and he will cut contact for now which is always the case when I am too direct with how I feel for his liking as he says I'm making up non existent problems.

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picklemepopcorn · 02/05/2017 16:52

So you aren't allowed emotions because he has stress? I know how hard this is, but you can't stop existing because he isn't coping. You are a real live breathing weeping person. He cannot take out your batteries until he feels up to it again. Flowers

ANewDawn · 02/05/2017 16:59

That sick system describes my life to a T. Sad oh the drama is so draining.

thanks Rabbit. I'll read up on some more of that.

Original poster
Roundandroundwegoagain · 02/05/2017 18:28

He's coping enough to have a social life and disengage from me which has always been the case. Whenever I try and talk to him about anything there is always something he has to do at that exact moment or he is in the middle of doing. I've been invisible to him for so long I have no idea who I am anymore.

I have tried calling him but as I said after earlier he's going to cut all contact again and tell me I will never change. He's the one who refuses to engage and checks out when it suits him.

I just want to run away from it all sometimes just so he can understand what he has put me through. I won't care though because he knows like a fool I'll come back every single bloody time.

I don't know what to do

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picklemepopcorn · 02/05/2017 18:49

But you do know, don't you? Read your posts again. Read what you are saying. Read our posts, even.

Maybe you aren't ready yet. But come back and re read every now and then, and I think you'll see.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/05/2017 20:05

You know exactly what to do. You have mentioned it loads.

Right now you are besotted with your crazy dreams of him changing. You don't want to break up with the fantasy yet. That may change with recognition that he is who he is and will not change.

Original poster
Roundandroundwegoagain · 02/05/2017 20:24

I've ended it with him. He knows exactly how I feel and what I think of his behaviour during his last trip. There is no way he would go to the type of places he does for a few social drinks with work colleagues and it is very obvious what his intentions are. I've had enough, he has pushed me too far with the lying and disrespect and whilst I am terrified of what the futures holds. Had to leave my job recently because of stress so I have no income at all, I think this is the only way to preceed.

I'm very scared of being alone though that's the killer as I don't have any friends nearby.

I feel like I'm coming up for air but am worri s tomorrow I will crash and try to contact him.

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/05/2017 20:38

Can you put energy into making new friends instead of running to him?

picklemepopcorn · 02/05/2017 20:40

Well done!

You will feel less stressed with him out of your day to day.

You can concentrate on feeling better, making friends and getting a job instead of tiptoeing around him.

Flowers
Original poster
Roundandroundwegoagain · 02/05/2017 20:42

I don't know where to start with new friends I've started to hate myself over the years b cause of this situation I've created

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Original poster
Roundandroundwegoagain · 02/05/2017 20:43

I'm humiliated by it all

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/05/2017 20:46

Now you can start building a life you are not embarrassed of.

Original poster
Roundandroundwegoagain · 02/05/2017 20:48

Can I tape that above my bed please. I'm actually glad I found out what I did today as it's helped me find my anger at how much I've enabled and allowed his disgusting treatment of me.

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