An open letter to my bell end of a husband

[throneofgames]

Dear Bell End,
As you gathered from last night's conversation, it's over. There isn't anything I like or can even remotely tolerate about you. Your attempt to gas light me last night was a very poor effort indeed. In fact, you tried it twice, pretending you hadn't said/done the following:

1. Told me you hated me. You clearly said 'Why do we hate one another?' And I asked, 'So you hate me?' Because for once I thought we'd agreed on something and you stared me out. I pretty good indication of the affirmative. Yet you deny you did this.
2. When our son was sick last night, I came to tell you and you rolled you eyes and huffed. I had to ask you to help and yet when I raised this as an issue, you said you were quick to help and how could I think otherwise?

And onto other matters:

1. You love to check my phone. I never check yours. Why? I hope you're having an affair. Then it's proof for others what a prick you are. Not that I need to prove why I dislike you so much. But it would save me explaining all the little nasty things you do or omit to do.
2. You tell me I never enjoy anything and overanalyse things I enjoy. You say you never enjoy anything with me. Great. Then leave.
3. You tell me our disabled son will be fine and to stop being vigilant for his symptoms. I won't, because I need to know how to support him. Idiot.
4. You're going away next week. Don't come back.
5. Stop trying to make out I should be jealous of your friendship with a female. Even I can see she's not interested in you like that. And see point 3.
6. Stop making a martyr out of yourself for doing the washing and putting the bins out. I employ a cleaner and I earn far more than you do. Also, stop telling me how to do my job. You're not trying to take an interest, you're positioning yourself as superior.
7. Every word that comes out of your mouth is boring.

10. I genuinely used to feel scared of being alone. Now I'm excited. Really excited. 11. I genuinely thought I had been suffering from poor mental health. Nope, just 13 stone of bull shit. 12. Too negative am I? Life gets like that when you have a husband who belittles you, minimises your concerns and dislikes you to your core. 13. I'm not attracted to you, you fat fuck. But that's down to the fact you're a nasty bastard. Not due to your fat.

In your letter you describe him to be a complete knob! I wouldn't bother with the letter, no point, just leave him.

He is a complete tool. Seen him now this morning and he's behaving like nothing happened. I'm only speaking to him regarding our son this morning. Don't any bad feeling around our toddler. That can wait until tonight.

I wonder how commonplace hatred in relationships is. One day I hope it dissipates to nothing at all. It's a long journey, but I'm already on a long journey with my son's condition so why not have another one? 😂

Hello Throne, just offering some support.
Keep reading No. 10, on your list !
It's great that he's going away for a week, you can start moving forward, you're in a good position, as your finances are in order.
You really do need to lose him, life will vastly improve. You'll feel more energised, and have peace of mind.
You can do this, we're here for you. 😄

Thank you! Much appreciated. Another one for the list:
He never pays his way and expects me to buy all the food. He thinks he's entitled to a holiday abroad when he can't afford one.

He also thinks I've engineered the split for when he's away so I can have 'men' round. God, I'm a busy girl! Couldn't think of anything worse!!!

Amazing letter and congratulations on seeing the light and having the strength to do someone about it.

Number 11 was fabulous!

Not sure I want to do someone about it yet! Haha!!

Love your letter, though I'm sorry you are in this situation. Reminds me of when I separated from my ex, I was walking on air for a week afterwards and never looked back.

This idea that we can't wait to rush men round or get involved again immediately, I've come to the idea a lot of men are seriously deluded

Good luck OP. He sounds like a prick and you're well rid. I got to this point 2 years ago, the final straw was so trivial but I've never looked back.

throne I think you and I are married to the same man.

so insidious, passive aggressive bullshit.

am separated almost 2 years now. will file for divorce then. been to see a solicitor for info/advice. worth the £60.

I'm keen to keep things as amicable as possible because it suits me for him to be reasonably content - for the sake of the children.

my main issues were that whenever I disagreed with him, it would cause rows. he also knew that because I was fairly insightful and independent of mind, the occasional disagreement would occur.

My strengths had to be minimised in his eyes. He felt threatened by my abilities. He rejected any intimacy - jeez and I thought it was my fault!

Years of therapy, counselling and anti-depressants later, I can taste the freedom, and it's sweet.

strength and self-preservation will get you through, one day at a time.

Whoops

And you're right. You need to contaminate from current year head before you consider the next one!

De contaminate. Grrrrr I give up this morning! I'm trying to be helpful - clearly my phone has other ideas!

Forwards - what did the counsellor make of it all?

Well - I think you may be feeling distressed at the moment- but that's a letter that no one should send to anyone.
Unfortunately you both sound pretty nasty. A letter like that written to a mother would immediately be rightly perceived as a likely abuser. I probably shouldn't be surprised at all some of the joyous responses her - but I am.

Shall I go first or wait for everyone else?

you first
don't hold back

]

Completely agree with Dadaist here, and would have been distinctly less diplomatic. A truly horrible set of things to say about any human being, much less someone you have kids with. He sounds well rid of you, although it may take him a while to realize it.

And lol at 'councilor speak'... was he being abusively reasonable at you?

A truly horrible set of things to say about any human being, much less someone you have kids with.

But if someone is really horrible then they are really horrible. Sorry but I don't agree with minimising something like this. If I wrote a letter to my ex, thrones one would sound like fan mail. I married a complete bastard. He did things that are not acceptable and if saying that makes me sound nasty, then I defy someone to live with a complete shit and be polite and kind about them. Whether they have kids together or not is beside the point imo. There are some awful people in this world and sadly sometimes we don't realise that till it's too late.

You sound really, really bitter. Number 5 would be very annoying, granted. I'm struggling with the rest though. It's all rather vague. Have you stopped to consider whether you are a negative person, because the post is full of negativity and hatred, to a degree that seems totally out of proportion. You call him boring and a fat fuck. That's pretty awful. You also mention how you earn more. Why isn't family money pooled? If a man posted this about his wife, there would be cries of abuse. I would imagine that he sees how much you hate him.

My ExH cheated on me loads, attacked me twice....and I don't hate him. I don't like what he did to me/us, but how do you hate someone that you once really loved?

Clearly it's time to separate. Put the wheels in motion asap. And don't send that letter. It's really horrible and it would be cruel to do so. Time to start concentrating on practicalities now and moving on, and try to remain cordial for the sake of your son and shared parenting going forward.

I have to admit I don't hate my H at all, I care a lot still, I hate what he did and some of his behaviour , if you are going to send it I would maybe moderate it somewhat and just stick to behaviour stuff and reasons why you are ending it and be as neutral as you can be, hard I know if it's got to this point

My counsellors never articulated an opinion as such, they simply told me it was fine to feel the way I did, they unpicked my reasons for low self-esteem and reactions to him.

We did try couples therapy but I gave up after 3 sessions. Don't know if that was immature of me, but its what happened.

I told him that I didn't want him to love me because a counsellor thought he should.. could he not feel like that already and work with me on our problems.

I'm positive I didn't behave brilliantly and did get annoyed - defensive behaviour most definitely. However, this behaviour wasn't in a vacuum, coupled with what he called my 'mummy issues'

If I had my time again, id do things differently.

Too much to write about in a post but I understand why your posting is cross.

Keeping things neutral in your letter will definitely help you, and him (which, believe it or not, if what would be ideal)

Its not about being a walkover as such, rather, taking the moral high ground and not giving any unnecessary ammunition should the notion take him.

Writing things does help to process, I did it a lot. Never sent anything though.

Completely agree with DissonantInterval! There are some truly horrible people in this world. I would challenge anyone to live with my exH and not have similar views. It sounds as if the OP has had to put up with a lot of shit as I did. I bit my tongue for years while my exH would scream and shout at me, cheat on me, ridicule me and treat me like utter shite. I will never regret telling him what I thought of him because he totally deserved it.