An open letter to my bell end of a husband

[throneofgames]

Dear Bell End,
As you gathered from last night's conversation, it's over. There isn't anything I like or can even remotely tolerate about you. Your attempt to gas light me last night was a very poor effort indeed. In fact, you tried it twice, pretending you hadn't said/done the following:

1. Told me you hated me. You clearly said 'Why do we hate one another?' And I asked, 'So you hate me?' Because for once I thought we'd agreed on something and you stared me out. I pretty good indication of the affirmative. Yet you deny you did this.
2. When our son was sick last night, I came to tell you and you rolled you eyes and huffed. I had to ask you to help and yet when I raised this as an issue, you said you were quick to help and how could I think otherwise?

And onto other matters:

1. You love to check my phone. I never check yours. Why? I hope you're having an affair. Then it's proof for others what a prick you are. Not that I need to prove why I dislike you so much. But it would save me explaining all the little nasty things you do or omit to do.
2. You tell me I never enjoy anything and overanalyse things I enjoy. You say you never enjoy anything with me. Great. Then leave.
3. You tell me our disabled son will be fine and to stop being vigilant for his symptoms. I won't, because I need to know how to support him. Idiot.
4. You're going away next week. Don't come back.
5. Stop trying to make out I should be jealous of your friendship with a female. Even I can see she's not interested in you like that. And see point 3.
6. Stop making a martyr out of yourself for doing the washing and putting the bins out. I employ a cleaner and I earn far more than you do. Also, stop telling me how to do my job. You're not trying to take an interest, you're positioning yourself as superior.
7. Every word that comes out of your mouth is boring.

10. I genuinely used to feel scared of being alone. Now I'm excited. Really excited. 11. I genuinely thought I had been suffering from poor mental health. Nope, just 13 stone of bull shit. 12. Too negative am I? Life gets like that when you have a husband who belittles you, minimises your concerns and dislikes you to your core. 13. I'm not attracted to you, you fat fuck. But that's down to the fact you're a nasty bastard. Not due to your fat.

Sounds like you're well rid. Just sending u luck for the future.

I have to use humour as a way of coping. Nothing he says, does or is matters to me anymore. As long as he's fine by our son, the rest is irrelevant.

Well done OP! This is the first day of the rest of your life! I dropped my sack of manipulative, abusive shit after 10 years and 3 years down the line I am truly the happiest I have even been.

Good luck!

any proper therapist would be able to work with you on these issues without taking sides.
Obviously the reaction you get here will be biased.
I just feel as though there is so much raw emotion here it needs to be processed.

Sounds like you've put up with this situation for a long time, sometimes we do this because fear of the unknown is worse. I can't see how your happiness is going to improve though at this stage unless you make some changes.
I was afraid of being on my own too, but now my dog is the love of my life.

Blondebecky1983 - how was it for you initially? How did you start to move on?

You go girl!!!!! Men like him are ten a penny , whereas you, my lovely, sound intelligent,articulate, kind and funny ......wishing you all the best with your 13 stone weight loss!! Xx

I love this post 😭😂😂😂

Slimming world would be immensely proud! Haha!!! He's fucking mental, honestly. I bet when I go downstairs, he'll try to pretend nothing has happened. Erm nope.

I wish I had sent the same email to my bastard of an ex in 2015 when I left him.

He probably still thinks it was me just being miserable and he was only trying to help by micro managing everything I did

Oh they always think they know best. Like they're doing you some kind of favour. Hilarious.

The problem will be getting him to move or agreeing to 50:50 shared care and that he'll be able to claim spousal maintenance from you if you're the higher earning...

My ex had a lot of theses traits, everyone thinks he's great but he's actually an insidious bully. I'm in the process of moving out (but it's taking ages) and despite splitting up early Dec not once have I had the slightest regret.

Good luck!

Well, he owns another house so he could just keep that. I'm happy to look after our son more so that's fine. Tbh, money is the least of my worries compared to happiness. Happy to go bankrupt if it gets me to a happy place ultimately.

I'm 3 years in from similar feelings, finishing things was best thing to do especially when I realised that my ex probably hated me but wasn't willing to lose his security of a relationship. I felt used and I look back now and wonder why on earth I stayed with him for sooooo long! There have been a few ups and downs regarding the children and contact but I haven't spoken to him since and hope I never will.

Oh the micro managing! I still feel it you know. Although we've split up, when he's in the house, whatever I am doing I feel like he is judging me.
He also tried to tell me how to do my job, once he suggested he come in and have a word with a director about something that was annoying me at work (I am a senior manager, often working at board level!). He apparently helped me through my OU law degree and tells people it's only because of him that I passed. Twat kept writing me pointless study timetables that didn't suit my study style and bore no resemblance to what I actually had to study. But he wouldn't make the dinner which would have been more helpful. I got a first. Without his help!

I'm 10 months further down the line than you are (and still living in the same house!!!). Things have got a lot worse for me as he is dragging things out and his EA is quite something but that just means I have an amazing future to look forward to and I can't wait. Good luck to you op but you don't need luck you just need to get away from him. People will slowly start to come out of the woodwork telling you things like they never really took to him anyway or you deserve so much better, etc.

That's exactly it. I don't doubt that he hates me. That's fine. He's an angry little man. He hates lots of things and is jealous of far more things than that. He is just scared of being alone. And I'm not as scared. And I've had enough.

In fact he still churns up feelings of nausea just writing about him, bleurgh!

OP I won't lie it was hard. I cried packing his stuff up and my friends and family had to help me to keep me on track with that part.

I bought a gorgeous notebook and wrote down all the bad things he had ever done to me and kept it close by, much like you have done in your letter, that helped.

I wavered a few times but ultimately kept strong. The evening were the hardest, when I was home alone and asking myself, "Is this what it's going to be like forever?" When I was particularly low I called someone or got up and went out. It helped.

All in all it took me around 9 months to truly let go and fully emotionally move on.

Two months later I met an amazing man. We are getting married soon and I cannot believe how happy I am. I question myself all the time as to why I let my miserable existence continue for so long but ultimately I believe everything happens for a reason and we learn from our mistakes.

Good luck OP. It will be more than ok, it will be fucking fantastic!

I can hear him manically over parenting downstairs. He can probably hear my eyes rolling up here. 😂 I would love to eventually be with someone who had my best interests at heart. Not someone who wanted to foist what he thought was best for me, onto me.

Better to be alone with peace of mind and sanity than in the company of someone so clearly shit.

My depression has never returned in the 10 years since leaving my ex H.

I don't know where I read the following quote but for me, it was definitely true "If you are depressed take a look at the people around you."

You can do this. You don't always have to be alone if that's not what you want but right now you and your DS will be stronger, happier and feel lighter without this man.

I remember desperately wanting to leave but feeling so scared and unable to cope. I asked my DB how he had found the strength to leave his partner (who was a lovely woman but just not right for him). He said "When the thought of staying was more frightening than the thought of leaving". When I got home and thought what it would mean to stay, I understood what DB meant. I left and have never once looked back. You CAN do this. Sending you a shitload of virtual strength.

No. 10 is my favourite.

Life's too short for all that shit OP. Good luck

OMG I love your letter!! And sorry that it made me laugh a bit too. I'm currently going through a separation with a total a-hole (after 16 long years) and its actually liberating that I can now see a future without him. I reckon my stbxp hates me too but since I've announced our split, he has been angry and vile. You'd think he'd be happy! but its because he knows he will be f*cked on his own.
I'm in a terrible situation in that we jointly own our home but only bought it last August (new build) so expect it to make a loss. I have no savings. But hey, guess what, I don't care!!! I wish you all the luck in the world and look forward to your life without his toxic fumes in it.

oh and my stbxp also 'manically over-parents' for effect too (when it suits him).