what narcissists say and what it really means

[greenberet]

good article here

blogs.psychcentral.com/narcissism-decoded/2017/04/how-to-translate-narcissist-speak/

these featured heavily in my marriage

Stop psychoanalyzing me, I’m sorry you got upset You are too sensitive

and during my divorce - numerous times

You can trust me

You can't take an outrageous insult a joke.

It's not me, it's you / my boss / my coworkers / the neighbours / anyone who has ever disagreed or will ever disagree with me.

And yes, the old chestnut that I was justifiably outraged "oversensitive".

I could go on, but that would be a waste of my time and mental energy. Narcs are so not worth it.

They say you are 'mad', 'crazy', 'emotional' when they have behaved badly and don't wish to face the consequences.
'I cheated darling because you were not giving me enough time/ money/ effort etc'
The silent swipe...taking the remote control to the TV to watch 'our' programme choice, deciding holiday destinations, choosing the movie...telling you not to gain weight, get old, get sick, get needy or anything that impacts on their time to talk about themselves.

"What are you on about?" With blank stare.

Tell you that YOU'RE projecting! Argh

You bring up a subject that's bothering you about something they do and within a minute you're banboozled with every wrong thing you've done since the year Dot and you end up apoligising and feeling like you need professional help to sort out your screamingly obvious cluster B personality disorder.

Well it is definitely not their fault!

They will also accuse you of having any negative personality trait that they have - 'you are obsessed with money' (errr no you are). 'you're clearly having an affair' ( err no you are) etc!!!

Stop trying to control / micromanage me. Stop nagging. = I am entitled to do as I please. You must do as I please. I must not be asked to do anything for anyone.

Wow wish I had come across this thread while my STBXH was gaslighting me about his affair! I couldn't see it at the time and genuinely thought I was being the unreasonable one. Still struggling to come to terms with it all.
So much of the above was said to me. I was told I was controlling, I micromanaged, was too needy and over sensitive. It was my fault that I found about their sexting, it was my fault they had sex and fell in love - because I wouldn't get over the sexting after a couple of weeks.
Never got accused of having an affair though.

I'm not saying I'm right all the time. I'm just right this time. And I cant think of a time I haven't been right.

Maybe I am a narcissist too but the problem I have with this label for men's behaviour is that maybe their partner really is a nag or a bore or an emotional train wreck.

How do you tell the difference between when a man is a narcissist or when the woman is genuinely difficult.

I think it's unfair to assume that when a man says thing like this he's therefore a narcissist.

Thephoneywar This thread is not about labelling men's behaviour.
Narcissists can be male or female. There's far too many of them about & they have a devastating effect on relationships/ other people. If you don't understand this I'm genuinely glad for you.

You can tell because the woman ends up so distressed. I was thinking of self harming or selective mutism because I could not think of any other way of coping.

An unhappy marriage is one thing but the effect of coercive control and npd is much bigger.

If the partner is an emotional train wreck I would say this is the likely result of living with a narcissist Because they are incapable of showing real empathy being void of any depth of feeling.

You don't just become an emotional wreck without some reason.

How do you know the woman is genuinely difficult. If it's the man telling you this and taking no responsibility for the situation he's likely a narcissist. Most people will question their own behaviour and make changes to the situation - a narcissist won't - there is nothing wrong with their behaviour in their view,

A narcissist wants your pity, it is all about them.

No healthy mind wants to be pitied.

It's a very interesting subject.

I'd love to ask your thoughts on whether you think narcissists can be good parents?

Pretty sure my ex husband/father of my children has narc tendencies, but he is a good dad. I think in part because they are part of him. He wouldn't be able to love an unrelated child.

He does love our children very much though.

Narcs are never good parents because they are far too selfish and always put their needs first. They cause great damage to their children though their nasty and manipulative comments (and usually try to play children off against each other causing even more mahem).

They will also accuse you of having any negative personality trait that they have - 'you are obsessed with money' (errr no you are). 'you're clearly having an affair' ( err no you are) etc!!!

YY to this ^^

Lashing out when cornered and projecting traits onto the other person. Stop spying on me (I'm not, I'm pointing out bad behaviour you flaunt in front of me); you are money grabbing (how so? I've provided all my bank statements, unlike you); this is extremely upsetting for me (that I confronted you about your affair?); you are being very unfair making me move out (the alternatives are much more unfair to me); etc.

dieu how old are they?

Ime of a narc they are great with young kids, pretty much any child up until the age where they start to question things. When a child is at the adoring stage where daddy/mummy/uncle whoever is just utterly wonderful then yes, they are great parents.

When the child starts saying "Why did you do/say that?" "I dont agree with you because....." that when the narc starts their shit on the kids too.

I know at least 3 narcs, all women.

Narc 1 (after being confronted about ongoing controlling, aggressive bullying) texted me: Please try to be kind... (She was referring to her bullying target, because I needed reminding apparently.)

Narc 2 (after being confronted by someone else about not liking me, due to years of rudeness to me) wrote a letter targetting me which inc that she was sorry I don't like her.

Narc 3 (after being confronted about always thinking she's right) has started accusing another (pretty humble) family member of always thinking she's right!

In each case, they hadn't used these lines of attack before but turned them right around, using them inappropriately, soon after being accused of them.

Another favourite is to lie habitually and consider others too stupid to realise.

Why? To feel a sense of power and/or to feel like they're 'winning'. And/or to create drama which alleviates their boredom and ensures that they are the centre of attention.

I do agree about the drama thing, they hate the mundane

"I only want what's best for you."
(Because I am apparently void of any little gray cells of my own and therefor should be grateful to rely on her 'taking care of me' by knowing what I want/need better than I do myself as if I were a pet/child/otherwise incompetent.)

What DoIDontI said ^

The narcs in my life (one of whom has been diagnosed) also feel the need to remind whoever they're projecting their tirade towards, of how old they are. Just in case people have forgotten that they're adults, given how they behave like children/toddlers during the tirades of abuse.

Because that's what it is.

Abuse.

I also get "you never asked me to [X/Y/Z]!!!" (because they either couldn't be arsed to, or genuinely forgot to) and "you have no friends!!!" (because they don't, at all, and they don't understand that I actually have a very tight-knit friendship group).

Oh!, and the latest?! Telling me that "someone" has done something outrageous, and isn't it disgusting, blah, blah, blah, but this "someone" is all over the Internet, last week - and then last night, the "someone" has mysteriously become someone that they went to school with, sat next to, ate lunch alongside once or twice... how great the disgusting thing suddenly is, because it now has celeb endorsement. When slightly challenged ("I don't want to hear it, you told last week and I'm busy!") they screamed their age and how they "never told [me]!!!" and how I'm obviously crazy for thinking that they did They don't know the someone, incidentally. The someone might have been at school with them - but they weren't in their social sphere of life, I'm afraid. Essentially? They gaslight, lie, waffle endlessly on about how fabulous they are and how shite we are, and expect us to take their abuse and be grateful for it.

dieu second what pyongy says
my DD was a daddys girl - she idolised him but she was a pretty easy going child - i now know this relationship is referred to as "narcisstic supply". my DS who was a typical boy would get told off for making a noise at the table, for being boisterous, for being a cheeky happy go lucky type, he was also a difficult baby ( they are twins) I would always have to take him X had no patience to deal with him. he is now scared of his own shadow - although i am working on this
roll on to now both 15 - my DD wants nothing to do with OW and as a result has a difficult relationship with DF - he puts OW over DD including OW in his contact time with kids at Xmas resulting in him not seeing DD for 2 weeks at xmas. DD knows this. They also go on holiday with her kids and my DS without my DD. This is putting a strain on the relationship between my kids because my DS who is now "in favour" with DF as is more compliant refers to DD's behaviour as "daddy issues"
I encouraged the relationship in the beginning - i naively thought kids need their DF - contact was always dictated by X and he used any change i needed to make as me trying to stop him seeing kids.
DD recognises the EA but still wants a relationship with her DF - she challenges him and as a result gets "punished" - he refers to her as a "mini version of her mother" -phone taken away for extended periods of time, no key to his home incase i get hold of it, leaves her outside house unable to get in whilst he does things with DS. DS is "scared" of him but i think is also enjoying the "attention" he gets from "complying" - as a child DF would threaten to throw his favourite toy out of the car window because he was making a noise in the car on long journeys.
This is all EA - i question the long term effect of all this on the kids mental health - DS has already been referred to PCAMHS - i see abusive patterns in his behavior -
dieu what is your relationship like with your X - if he has no respect for you I doubt whether his relationship with his kids is "healthy".
you say this I think in part because they are part of him. He wouldn't be able to love an unrelated child.
my kids were IVF - spent many years having treatment and they were the last attempt - i would think in these circumstances they would be even more "treasured" - my X swears blind they are his main priority - i can give you handfuls of examples when this is definitely not the case - although X believes it undoubtedly.
my kids were referred to SS by my MH support worker -due to their age it was not progressed - had they been younger i would have pursued this - the damage of EA is only just coming out in the open - the repercussions can last a lifetime and damage all aspects of your life if you do not recognise that this is what you have been subject to.
I hope you are right in your observations.

Also agree to the projection and the accusations of control. Me arranging for our household bills to be paid was financial control, apparently - not because he wanted to do it, but because he believed (or pretended to) that we could somehow not pay for council tax and the money could be his disposable income instead.

I agree with pyongy and green about this kind of father. I can see how exH uses DD for supply - he'll play very ostentatiously with her in public and I can see his eyes darting around to see who is watching and admiring. He's plastered pictures of them together all over Facebook and video clips on Youtube - he has set up his own channel for this.

When nobody is watching and he's not taking photos or filming, he seems to ignore her and she just watches TV (I'm not saying that he should never ignore her and let her watch TV - happens in my house too! - just that his public behaviour and private behaviour are very different).

He has also worked very hard to damage DD's relationship with me and with my family. He seems to be of the view that any affection from DD to us subtracts from the affection available to him. DD and I have a good relationship, but he has been successful in damaging DD's relationship with my parents. She told me that they were unfair to him by not supporting him (ie. paying) to do a PhD.

greenberet, meant to add that I'm sorry your DCs have been affected by this situation.