what narcissists say and what it really means

[greenberet]

good article here

blogs.psychcentral.com/narcissism-decoded/2017/04/how-to-translate-narcissist-speak/

these featured heavily in my marriage

Stop psychoanalyzing me, I’m sorry you got upset You are too sensitive

and during my divorce - numerous times

You can trust me

YY to the private/public behaviour difference. He would be a doting husband and father while friends were with us and the speed of the transition back to "closed-off, important person with minions buzzing around him" was incredible.

I noticed one evening his arm drop from round my shoulders literally as the friends' car turned the corner at the end of the road. He walked ahead of me back to the house and said not another word to me all evening.

(Although to be fair, he'd probably not talked to or looked at me through dinner anyway. The week we got back together after I first walked out, a good friend pointed out that in the hour we were with her, he made no eye contact with me at all. Her, all the time. Someone who declared he was ecstatic he had been given a second chance...

And Greenberet, that's scary about the effect he's had on your DCs. It's small consolation, but I imagine it would've been worse for them had you stayed together.

I noticed one evening his arm drop from round my shoulders literally as the friends' car turned the corner at the end of the road.

Ha, Charlotte (appropriate name!) I remember having the reverse of that - exH screaming in my face about how stupid and ugly I was on our way to an event, then we got there, he slung his arm around my shoulder and spoke charmingly to an acquaintance, referring to me as his lovely wife. The speed of the transition was a revelation - I realised that he had no concept of me as an actual person, just a screen on which he could throw whatever projection suited him at that moment.

pyong I feel like I've just had a revelation after you've just said that - my mother was wonderful right up until I was about 12/13, incidentally the time her and my father got divorced too so he could no longer be the scapegoat

I always thought that maybe I was 'difficult' (despite doing well at school, no drink or drug issues, caring a lot for my brother, doing lots of housework etc) but reading that perhaps it was more that I was growing out of the 'adoration' phase and getting my own thoughts and opinions and my mother, as a narc, couldn't cope with that, is an interesting thought

Can narcs be good parents? If someone is watching, they're brilliant. Mine is fantastic at extravagant days out, new Xbox games, buying stuff they don't really want or need and posting it all on Facebook. Doing homework, making sure PE kit is washed, teeth brushed, getting up in the night when they're puking, meetings at school, all the mundane parenting stuff not so much. One contact weekend he brought DS1 back because he was ill and it wasn't fair to him and ds2 to be disturbed through the night
And of course he will be mortally offended if anyone points this out to him, because he loves his kids.

Yy to the private and public face.
Yy to the adoration phase.

I remember having the reverse of that - exH screaming in my face about how stupid and ugly I was on our way to an event, then we got there, he slung his arm around my shoulder and spoke charmingly to an acquaintance, referring to me as his lovely wife. The speed of the transition was a revelation -

I got this a lot, it helped him with his mission to ensure everyone in his life knew I was "difficult", "moody", "unstable" etc.

They gaslight, lie, waffle endlessly on about how fabulous they are and how shite we are, and expect us to take their abuse and be grateful for it.

Omg, this. I always knew my sister was narcasistic, this describes her perfectly!

I know what you mean, Queen - you can't keep up with the speed of change, so you're standing in front of other people, dazed and upset, and it looks like you're the irrational one, overwrought for no reason.

My X swears blind they are his main priority - i can give you handfuls of examples when this is definitely not the case

^ This... so so this!! I don't think mine is a complete narc but for someone who swears that his children are all that matter, he does nothing above and beyond the very very^ basic and on occasions, the downright opposite to their best interests.

God - I've heard every one of those !

You're crazy (and that's why he had to have an affair).

It was a joke (after saying or doing something really nasty)

You need help (after he'd done something awful and I got upset)
Telling the children he was 'worried about my mental state, and I might kill myself' - I'd never shown any inclination to suicide.

'I've given 32 years to this marriage, I've 'taken care' of you and the kids, now it's time for some 'me time'

'I can't help it if more than one woman loves me' (when he was having an affair.)

He didn't tell me he was having an affair because 'he knew I;d over react and get upset because of my previously mentioned mental instability.' he really ramped up the 'you're mad' narrative in the six months before he buggered off with OW.

Tables turned when I filed for divorce - I was told ' you will be very very sorry you've done this, I will make you pay'

Narcissists can turn chillingly nasty when crossed.

I'm convinced my ex h was a narcissist, I ended the relationship 2 yrs ago but I've been a wreck ever since! He just won't understand my reasoning for leaving him and will never see his actions as being unreasonable, even now with arrangements with DD. A simple question of mine gets ignored by him then he wonders why I get angry. But this was going on for years when we where together I think I must have ignored it??

"Narcissists can turn chillingly nasty when crossed"

This. Completely. When they're crossed, or feel threatened, or their supply ends/looks like it's about to end. I've lost count of the amount of times the diagnosed narcissist in my life has physically got in someone's face when they haven't immediately believed the stories they tell. Because, mostly, that's what they are. Stories. I now doubt every word that comes out of my daughter's mouth. If she told me the sky was blue and the grass was green... I'd have to look out of the window to determine if I could believe her, or not.

The other thing they do? The silent treatment. With passive aggressive comments to other people, in your hearing, at top volume, about how unreasonable you have been not to immediately believe them/do what they want.

Oh yes, the sudden charm on arrival somewhere after onslaught on the way - I had forgotten that one!

I had "I don't remember it like that" a lot. Apparently they rewrite history if it doesn't suit their concept of what they'd do. Mine asked me if I'd be all right with him sleeping with his co-worker, while I was seriously ill in hospital pregnant with our child. He denied all knowledge of this afterwards, but it's not the sort of thing my mind could make up!

They can be good parents to young compliant children. But as you age they realize that you aren't just a way for them to have another go at their life, that you're a separate person and they can't cope with that.

Yes exh is the nicest/charming person to everyone apart from me as I won't stand for his crap.

Once you get to know a narcissist you start to realise they often work from scripts, set conversation pieces to suit their needs. Sounds very convincing the first time you hear it then after a few times just a bit too predictable. It is grim!

and the viciousness when they don't get what they want - that is what is so bloody dangerous isn't it? There are literally no rules, no boundaries - the morality just isn't there.

They have to win.

Oh all so familiar.

Publically seen to be kind - grand gestures of helping others. Dramatic announcements of how he was rushing to my aid, public declarations of how much he loved me. But behind closed doors, it was all about him.
Cold, mean, hard.
Called me needy and totally lacking independence.
If I raised something I wasnt happy about he would walk out, often for hours or overnight, finish the relationship and blame me afterwards for causing it all. Never ever said sorry.

Thank fuck I got out.

I remember my sister seeing the charm act drop for the very first time - after I'd decided to divorce him - she was deeply shocked at the level of seething nastiness under the surface when she said something quite innocuous to him. He kind of did this menacing snarling voice at her and the mask totally slipped. She said it was very scary and she became really worried for me.
In the past I always thought I knew what his boundaries were but he suddenly became someone I didn't know at all. Very threatening and frightening.

This thread has been a real eye opener for me. I thought my EXH was just a complete areshole but he displayed pretty much all of these traits. Interesting comments about parenting too, DDs adored him... until they were old enough to question and disagree with him. The relationships quickly deteriorated after that point! The rewriting history part also got me thinking; he was a very strong atheist and he's now joined a cult like religious group. When telling his daughters this he claimed that he was always religious but I made him an atheist and stopped him going to church. He never expressed anything other than contempt for religion and it was a struggle for me to get him to attend churches for weddings, funerals and Christenings! His new woman will be believing what an awful wife I was but she'll soon find out the truth...

Ive had to sit and listen to my narc ex absolutely slating certain women, calling them sl*gs, also calling his friends worse than crap, but witnessing him keeping up a friendly pretense on social media. He never really had anything good to say about anyone unless they had bent over backwards to help him, or they were good to use as triangulation against me.
Almost every interaction with him was a complaint about how someone had wronged him, or some kind of pain, ache, illness of the week.
They drag you into a dark, bitter, twisted world and you are made a scapegoat when you try to help them. They are, for the most part just miserable empty vessels who use people then wonder why they have such bad luck or misery in thier lives, they create it themselves, its karma.
I would love people to see him for what he really is but the narc reserves his worst treatment for those closest to them

..having left ..again... and cause yet more pain all round. Started picking up pieces and building a new life for me and dc's. What really hurt was the recruitment of flying monkeys..
His family were soo hostile and unpleasant. ..not having much family myself was hard to be treated badly by them who believed his lies. ..dcs. .especially felt isolated. ...after years of acting out they now see it..but will never apologise. Exmil even said how she wished had get back together!!😂😂

I have had people start treating me like a toxic waste spill overnight and wondered what on earth could have been said to provoke that sort of reaction.

It was very healing to be told bluntly by a friend that it didn't matter what was said behind my back, the fact that I was left holding the baby spoke for itself. Actions speak louder than words.

I use that as a guide now. If a woman is trusted to pick up the pieces and raise the children then there is no way she is all the crap the idiot who left the children there says she is and he should shut his mouth and respect the mother of his children forthwith.

Good luck with that one, Queen. Respect is not a word to be found in a narc's vocabulary.

Being told I was 'hysterical' and 'overreacting' when I reacted in a perfectly natural way to something like one of the children hurting themselves.
Being told I was not to mention my sister's very recent diagnosis of breast cancer to any of my friends at a party we were going to because he didn't want me "wrecking the evening"
Being told "typical - wreck the evening before it's even started" when I said I wanted to try and not drink too much at a BBQ we were on our way to.
Not putting my name on the mortgage or deeds of our marital home
Never saying sorry for anything, ever, not once, in the entire 14 yrs I was with him
Telling me I would wreck the children's lives when I said I wanted a divorce (they have both thrived without him in their lives)
Telling me I was being "selfish" and "it's all about you" when I arranged to meet the Year Head at DC secondary school so I could inform the school about the marriage breakdown
I could go on and on .......