At it again :(

[TheGirlWhoLovedTomGordon]

4.5 years ago, my H had an affair with a close friend of mine, while I was pregnant. Posted here and had lots of help and advice. Don't know how to link to old thread.
We tried hard and things have been ok ish ever since. 7th of April this year I went to bed early, he stayed up drinking and watching a movie. Woke up at 3am and he wasnt in bed. He'd fallen asleep on sofa, phone in hand. I looked at his phone and he was sending sex texts to a woman. Someone I know but haven't seen for years, didn't think he had either. Anyway I tore a strip off him and asked him to leave. For the last three weeks he's been begging and pleading and I have kind of given in. He says he loves me, it's a mistake, we haven't had enough sex etc. I have been right off sex for the last year or so, but have been making an effort I thought. Anyway, today I was doing some banking and paperwork. Saw a transaction on bank statement for a PAYG phone top up. Everyone in our house uses contracts. Long story short - by calling phone company and our bank, I found out he had topped this woman's phone up that night. She must have cut short the dirty talk because but her credit ran low, then he topped it up for her, to keep it going. I'm disgusted and heartbroken. We have major finiacial issue, lots of debts and often scrape by on a few pennies. Today I am walking the kids home from school, as I don't even have bus fare. But he's basically paying for cheap thrills. I've text him to say don't come home and I hate you. He is begging and pleading and saying he was pissed and doesn't remember it. I am just numb. I don't deserve his constant disrespect. He has NO money to go anywhere else - hotel, B and B, rent a place. I am in the same boat. We have 3 primary age DC. He will come home because he has nowhere else to go. ILs live 300 miles away. My beautiful DS1 starts his SATS in a week and a half. He keeps calling and texting. It's my day off to spend with our youngest, and he's just ruining it... I'm trying to hold it together for DS2 and play and have cuddles.

Hi. Thanks again everyone. Your advice is spot on, but I'm finding it so hard.
I don't know where he is, or who he's with.
DD has sobbed uncontrollably most of the night because she wants her daddy. She has text him and he's text her to say he loves her very much. DS1 very subdued. Also been texting his dad, but being 'brave'. I think it's bravado gough, as his teacher told me had been crying at school. So did DD's
DS2 just cried in his bed when I tucked him in and kissed him goodnight. Big tears and sobs "I miss daddy..."
What have I done to them? DD has taken it hardest of all. Really distraught. Just sobbing and asking "But why??" Over and over again.
I'm heartbroken for them. I've been tried to talk to him but he has completely stonewalled me.
How is this my life??
Got to work this morning and my lovely boss sent me straight home. Went from there to the benefits office. Took some evidence of finances they need. I have to get some more later this week too. Also phoned tax credits and started a new claim. Got DD and DS2 in bed. DS still on sofa with me. Going to send him up at about 839 and watch Little Boy Blue on iplayer with a cuppa. I've managed to have some dinner. I've eaten shit the last few days. I'll be fatter than ever, just to make things worse
Back to work tomorrow on a 12 hour shift. I hate his. I just want DH to cuddle me and be the man I married

One day at a time. Well done on being so proactive today. We are all here for you

Your H (not D), has caused your DC this pain. His infidelity and further betrayals have shown he was willing to risk the security his children had of two parents in one home.

Cheating comes with risks... He took a risk and your DC were the stake.

In his mind, it was worth the risk or he didn't think even if you found out that you'd end it.

That you caught him and he was compelled to top up her credit, proves he had no intention of stopping.

His actions by stonewalling you and equally show that he's not remorseful. He's just angry that you caught him and pissed off that you've had the courage to leave... Because... Hey... You didn't end it when he had an affair while you were pregnant with a so called friend... So why would you end it over dirty sex talk.

When your DC are old enough, you can tell them why the marriage ended.

If he does not have the balls to tell your DC that he did something bad to upset you/broken a serious promise he made to you and it's not your fault, then he really doesn't deserve your love.

When you see your DC hurting and upset, remember that the man you love, did this to them.

My DB is divorced and he is fully involved in the lives and activities of his DC. You either keep him updated on school and extra curricular activities, or get the school to send a duplicate message to him.

There's no excuse for him to not be there for the DC.

What have I done to them?

You have done nothing to them, NOTHING. HE did it, he did it all!! It was his actions, not your reactions, that has caused this upheaval.

There is no call for someone to stay in a relationship with an adulterer, a cheat. That is not a sacrifice anyone, parent or no, should make. Not even for the sake of their children. The best thing any parent can do for a child is to be in the best possible emotional health (and life) they can be. An unhappy parent means an unhappy child.

What the children are going through is temporary. Children can, and do, adapt. Give them time, cuddles, and reassurance that both Mummy and Daddy love them. But that sometimes Mummies and Daddies can't live in the same house anymore and sometimes Mummies OR Daddies have to go away for a bit to think about things. But they always, always love their children.

I've been tried to talk to him but he has completely stonewalled me.

Right now, focus on yourself. Not him. Don't call him, don't text him, not even for the children. Leave him to stew in his own filth. He's probably feeding off of your upset, thinking that if he ignores you long enough, makes you suffer enough with his silence, you'll ask him to come back. Don't. You deserve someone who will treat you with respect and that's NOT him!

You love who he could have been. I doubt you love who he's allowed himself to become.

Right now, focus on yourself. Not him. Don't call him, don't text him, not even for the children. Leave him to stew in his own filth. He's probably feeding off of your upset, thinking that if he ignores you long enough, makes you suffer enough with his silence, you'll ask him to come back. Don't. You deserve someone who will treat you with respect and that's NOT him!

This.

How are you holding up OP?

It will be hard for them.
BUT he can still spend time with them, do sports days etc.
You need to just tell them that Daddy and Mummy can't be friends any more but he still loves them, and you are sure he will arrange to see them lots.

Hi team
I'm in the way to work now, on the bus.
Managed quite a good slee. Woke to find that youngest DS had crept in with me in the night. Nice to have some cuddles
Kids went with grandad to my folks house, as I have to leave at 7.20. All were washed, dressed, fed, teeth done. H face timed thenokder two this morning and told them he will see hem on Monday. He's away this weekend anyway (planned) and then the kids are off school Monday. He's off work, I'm not (NHS), so he was looking after them. He's told them both this morning that he still is. He's told them he loves them and can't wait to see them.
I am starting to really worry about finances.
Also need to get though today at work, focus on my patients and try to keep smiling. Hard!
Thank you all for being so great.
In a low moment yesterday, I text the sex text woman, on FB to just say "I hope you're proud of yourself." She has since blocked me and called my phone, only to hang up. I feel like telling her partner, but fuck it, let her rot.

Definitely let her rot OP , she will be freaking out now worrying you will tell silly bitch !

You've had great advice here so just want to add my support.

Pps are right, your DC will still be able to have a great relationship with him when you separate. Mine did, similar situation. If anything they're even closer as they get him all to themselves when they're with him.

Try to not bring to much emotion to working out your finances (very hard I know) just work through it methodically. You have what sounds like a stable job. The be is to be free of him. What he did tje first time while you were pregnant would have been a deal breaker for me.

Wishing you loads of strength x

You've done nothing to your kids, unfortunately he has and now you are all suffering thanks to HIS actions; do not take blame here; your kids will adjust in time; they are great at bouncing back, esp if they see you both happy, onwards and upwards.

For now, she's not your problem. Any decision regarding telling her husband needs to be made in a state of cold, hard logic, not hot emotion.

I remember having to work during periods of high emotion. In a way, it kept me sane. I had to be focused and positive, and it took effort and discipline to 'train' my brain to stay 'in the game'. You'll do it.

You've done the hardest bit. You are showing your kids that they should never just 'put up' and that they deserve more. Youre a braver? (Not sure that's even a a word) woman than me. I had threads like this at new year, he's back, I'm pregnant, so far it's okay but i wish I'd stuck to my guns. I still cry, i still ask him why, he was already back when i found out i was pregnant. Sorry to turn this around on me but honestly, you'll be absolutely fine. 💐💐

Are you going to (or have you already) tell the kids why he's gone?

We do know it's hard. Bloody hard.

But it has to be done, you can't take him back. You aren't wavering are you? If you took him back this time he'd do it again and again and yours AND the kids lives would be miserable. Honestly.

It's beyond hard to stop caring where they are & what they're doing. Time really is the only thing that helps with that & keeping busy helps a little bit too.

How are u op ?

He has not been getting enough sex with you and you have been "doing your best" - lord'a'mighty - you are not required to do anything you do not want to do with someone who is clearly a prize pillock. Stop "doing your best" and get shot of him.

Hello everyone. Sorry not to update. Such a hectic weekend. Have really tried to focus on the kids, as they've been so emotional and upset. Took them out for dinner just the four of us on Friday night. Then on Saturday had a busy day of activities and shopping. Sunday was some homework and playing out with friends. Back at work today. H with kids as they are off school. Have agreed to talk. I don't know what to do really. Have continued with tax credits/HB claims and he knows this. He says I made him homeless wihout even giving him a chance to speak to me. Focussing on kids and work for the moment. Seem to be going to bed as soon as the kids are asleep at about 845 every night!

So his feet are firmly back under the table and he's pulling you up on the way you treated him, that's a joke right?

And you do know what to do, deep down, as you know he will continue to disrespect you, I am sorry OP but he's not now suddenly going to change into a man that values and respects you and marriage.

What an horrific time you've been having! But you are doing really well

Have you put in a claim for child maintenance? You need to. For the kids

Hope things settle down soon for you all

Don't bother talking to him unless it's regarding the children. Tell him this and stick to it.
He'll never change, so don't give him anymore chances.

Your doing really well

Adora - his feet aren't under the table. I have worked a long shift, the kids are not at school, and he has a day off. So he is taking care of them for the day. I don't see why that would be a joke? He is still their father and still responsible for their care/upbringing. No need to be so scathing.

I have no idea what to even say. He's gone back to his mates house now. Has told the kids he might be back in a bit. (Supposedly so we can talk) I doubt it. Two of them are in bed now anyway.
I am getting extreme attitude from DS1 this evening, just trying to ignore it.
DD says she has earache too now. It never rains....

Thanks again all of you.

You're doing brilliantly