At it again :(

[TheGirlWhoLovedTomGordon]

4.5 years ago, my H had an affair with a close friend of mine, while I was pregnant. Posted here and had lots of help and advice. Don't know how to link to old thread.
We tried hard and things have been ok ish ever since. 7th of April this year I went to bed early, he stayed up drinking and watching a movie. Woke up at 3am and he wasnt in bed. He'd fallen asleep on sofa, phone in hand. I looked at his phone and he was sending sex texts to a woman. Someone I know but haven't seen for years, didn't think he had either. Anyway I tore a strip off him and asked him to leave. For the last three weeks he's been begging and pleading and I have kind of given in. He says he loves me, it's a mistake, we haven't had enough sex etc. I have been right off sex for the last year or so, but have been making an effort I thought. Anyway, today I was doing some banking and paperwork. Saw a transaction on bank statement for a PAYG phone top up. Everyone in our house uses contracts. Long story short - by calling phone company and our bank, I found out he had topped this woman's phone up that night. She must have cut short the dirty talk because but her credit ran low, then he topped it up for her, to keep it going. I'm disgusted and heartbroken. We have major finiacial issue, lots of debts and often scrape by on a few pennies. Today I am walking the kids home from school, as I don't even have bus fare. But he's basically paying for cheap thrills. I've text him to say don't come home and I hate you. He is begging and pleading and saying he was pissed and doesn't remember it. I am just numb. I don't deserve his constant disrespect. He has NO money to go anywhere else - hotel, B and B, rent a place. I am in the same boat. We have 3 primary age DC. He will come home because he has nowhere else to go. ILs live 300 miles away. My beautiful DS1 starts his SATS in a week and a half. He keeps calling and texting. It's my day off to spend with our youngest, and he's just ruining it... I'm trying to hold it together for DS2 and play and have cuddles.

Please call the police and have him arrested

Hope u are ok op

Hope all ok, OP

A big thankyou to all those who've reported, we will be contacting the OP privately and encouraging her to seek real life help.

Thank you so much all of you. You're very kind. I am ok. He blew his temper out after I shouted at him. He huffed in the garden and has just sulked on the sofa since. He knows I couldn't do much with the kids all sitting around him. He said he was calling his mates looking for a place to stay, so I got busy putting all the kids to bed. Now he's still bloody here! Silent in the dark downstairs. Stinking the house out by smoking with the back foot open. I'm so cross. He hasn't pushed me since. Thank you all for being so concerned. I was away because I was dealing with the usual bedtime chaos. Now lying on DS2's bed trying to make him sleep. Thank you to MNHQ too xx

Remember the option of calling the police is still there. You are feeling unsafe in your own home, that's real and they will take it seriously. Please stay safe tonight, maybe let someone in real life know what has happened (even if you don't want to call the police) so that if things escalate you have support.

You need to call the police and have him removed. It is not acceptable for your children to be witnessing or hearing this. Protect them.

His fancy piece has a partner so he can't stay there
He should have thought of this earlier.

OP, call the police, so the assault is recorded. This is important. And get rid. Don't let him worm his way back. He's a cheater and his alcohol habit means you'll never ever get out of debt while you're with him. What sort of life will that be for your DC?!

Stay strong, you'll win.

I always admire women who end a relationship because partner sexting or whatevever. You say it's embarrasding being the one with the cheating husband. Dont be embarrassed.

Okay, you don't deserve one jot of what you are feeling. I was in the same boat as you and it's numbing. You don't know what day of the week it is but you are doing all the right things because you have kids and they need you to go on. And go on you will without this waste of space who cant have any feelings for you or the kids otherwise he wouldn't have done/ be doing the things he's done. He'll say he's sorry. He maybe but he'll do it again and anyway the point is there can't be any trust left. That's a given in this scenario. I'm all for someone making a mistake and being genuinely sorry, there being circumstances that even the most settled couple would fail at. he has previous so get angry. Get really fucking angry and tell him where to go. You will survive this.

Hi op sorry for what and your children have gone though this evening.

My dad was like this, growing up all I wanted was a nice kind responsible grownup stepdad.
My dad was an alcoholic, an abuser and a cheat.
He would smoke in the house, fall asleep on the sofa drunk every night and be a horrible bastard to all of us.
My parents never hugged or kissed, I never saw my parents loving one another.
My mum was afraid of him and he always refused to leave, it took for me and my sister as teenagers to finally get rid of him.

Unfortunately it left us losing respect for our mum, because she never called the police or found a way to get rid of him.
I felt damaged, dirty, shameful and unloved growing up, and in a way at age 30, I still feel like that because it's become ingrained in me.

Please show your children you are a strong women and get him out, before it's too late and before your children grow up damaged.
Because no matter how much you try to be a good parent it won't make up for the damage he's causing, the only way to do that is to show your children that this behaviour is wrong and that people like that don't deserve you or them.

Best of luck

My ex husband had an affair.

Well it was seedier than that initially, the affair came out later.

I told everyone what he'd done. The responses ranged from shock that he was that sort of man; disgust that he was so sleazy and his mum called him a "fucking cunt". It didn't reflect badly on me at all.

Obviously, his friends and family forgave him in time, but they lost an awful lot of respect for him in the process. Meanwhile, I was the one who took on bringing up the children, providing for them ensuring their stability and security (he does pay minimal maintenance and see them for one day each weekend...)

The other day, one of my neighbours (who knows the bare facts, but not the details) told me that my children were a credit to me and that I should be very proud of the fact that I am responsible for that, not him.

Do not feel embarrassed. The shame is his. Not yours.

Hi there. On my way to work. He has left. Taken lots of his stuff, but obviously there's lots more still to take. My children are so sad. My daughter particularly is beside herself. He has always been very hands on. Going to all their activities, always got up in the night with them, did baths, bedtime stories, cuddles. He has a special bond with them all individually. They are honestly devoted to him, and he to them. They each have a special 'daddy and them' special nickname. He's never missed a parents evening, or a sports day or anything. I fee like shit for the kids. How will they manage?

He can still go to all those things.

OP I'm so so sorry for all the shit you've been through
My DH and I have financial issues and he turns to alcohol too which drives me up the fucking wall.

You've made the right decision to leave and I'm proud of you! It's not an easy decision to make and it will be tough in the beginning but you will find your flow soon xxxx

He can still do those things with dc and still have a special bond with them.

He can still be a good father. That's up to him.

The dc will adjust to the changes. You can do this.

It's normal op when the pressure has abated slightly - because he has taken some of his stuff and to all intents and purposes is leaving - that you focus on the good stuff (just like when someone dies - we mostly remember the good stuff.) - this is a process we go through - its important though to remember although he is fab with the kids he is not very skilled at demonstrating respect to other people - otherwise he wouldn't repeatedly do what he does to you.

It sounds to me like the alcohol might be the problem - in which case you might like to consider going to an al-anon family group - (you do have to get to grips with the totally unfounded feeling of embarrassment but once you do that they are so supportive and understanding and can really help you find your way.)

We are all thinking of you - never feel alone in this.

Well done. But the next bit is the hardest bit, not relenting.

He has cheated on you more than once. Deal breaker.

He has pushed you around. Deal breaker.

He has been nasty & intimidated you. Deal breaker.

He has not been 'a good DH or Dad', not if he's wasting £300 a month on booze while you're having to make the kids walk home from school because you can't afford the bus fare.

He's started on you, it would only have been a matter of time before he started on the kids, once they got to the lippy/challenging age. They'll probably be able to maintain a better relationship with him if he nustbgets to be Disney Dad. It'll be harder for you (doing all the actual parenting while he's just doing the nice stuff with them), but better for them.

I'm sorry he's proven himself to be a selfish, nasty, twat...please don't be fooled by his bullshit about being sorry & changing etc. It won't last & you'll only gave to go through this again and worse still, put the kids through this again.

Stay strong, you can do this.

I feel so sad. I love him so much

I wish I felt strong enough to do what you just done! You're better off without him. I was 6 when my parents split (I was a total daddy's girl) I remember being heartbroken and crying my eyes out but eventually it got better! I started to love having two xmas's two homes two everything! It will get better for them. Keep your chin up!!! Get your nails done or your hair or something make yourself feel better xx

You will be happier in the long run. Keep strong, don't let him back. You would just get more of the same atrocious treatment once the dust settled. It's no way to live.

Stay strong. He can still be all of those things to your children. That is his choice, just as it was his choice to be a lousy husband. Please please don't feel responsible for his choices.You WILL be happier without him in the long run.

Whatever happens you've made the break now, the children know and will start to come to terms with it. The most important thing for them now is to move forward and not to have to go through this again.

I know it seems hard with DS1's SATs but just keep things as calm as possible. SATS are really inconsequential, although they don't seem it at the time.

Deep breaths and one step at a time.

(((Hug))) I know 💐 It's hard to do what your head knows is right when your heart is breaking.

However, you love who you want him to be, not who he actually is.

You've been over looking a lot of issues because you love him & because the kids love him. But look at the big picture, he's wasting a lot of family money on alcohol which you can't afford, when called on his latest cheating he has been intimidating & he's pushed you around.

He cheated on you when you were pregnant, you gave him a second chance and he's taken that and trodden all over it without a second thought. He will do it again & again.

Don't hide it from your children, teach them that it's not acceptable behaviour. Don't teach them that it's ok to do it and the other person just has to put up with it.

You can do this and you need to for you and your lovely kids.

It's like ripping a plaster off - it hurts a lot but the healing can start soon.

Focus on yourself and the DC - not on him.

One day at a time.