Pregnant and husband hates me...

[MrsB12345]

I'm not really sure where to start?!

I've been married a year and am 12 weeks pregnant with our first. I'm guessing this should be a happy time in anyone's life? Sadly not for me. Dont get me wrong, I can't wait to be a mummy but my life with my husband is a rocky one. If you asked him, he would say it's my fault. 100% me. I apparently start arguments, I annoy him, I wind him up, he's told me recently he doesn't love me (although took that back the following day), I'm lazy (apparently you just need to get on with it in your first trimester), I need to get my hormones under control and "it's rubbish that you are effected by hormone changes when pregnant". The list is endless

Some history behind us. We met online a few years ago and I'd had two relationships where I'd been cheated on. We soon clicked and got on we'll and started a relationship. It was apparent that he didn't have any close friends but is someone they enjoys his own company which is fine with me. I am the opposite and have lots of friends in different circles.

My husband has always been highly strung. He gets caught up in the small stuff that he creates into big stuff. Arguments are generally started by him. I have around 20% of an input to arguments where he says the rest. I generally get told I have no point to what I'm saying and he continues with his very valid points ! I generally cry as I get so upset by his shouting and things he says and am the one who always apologises because it's never his fault. I've learnt not to voice how I feel as much as it's fuel to his angry fire and instead listen to him, say very little and apologise. On the occasions I call out his wrongdoing I get accused of deflecting blame and it's not him that's wrong. He never apologises. I think he is socially awkward through a lack of friends and this in turn means he doesn't know how to behave around people and I am everything to him. Wife, best friends, general friends. He doesn't believe in getting close to friends and thinks I am too dependent on my friends. He gets frustrated if I get a text and want to reply straight away and I have to ask if I can have anyone visit me at home.

An example tonight. It's 2.45 am and like most pregnant women I need a wee. I get up to use the ensuite but earlier in the night the shower was dripping after I used it so hubby got up, muttering to himself, and tightened the knob to stop the dripping. Unknowingly to me he left the shower screen open which was in the way of the loo. I went to wee, in the dark, so not to wake him and walked into the screen. I closed it but it made a loud noise which woke him up. I got shouted at for waking him up and doing it every night to him (a lie). When I said that it was because the screen was left open, by him, he said it was my fault for not turning the shower off. I apologised for the shower but I don't think I should apologise for him leaving the screen open and me not seeing it till I walked into it?

I don't want a divorce. I want to make it work but how can I talk to my husband when he won't let me it listen and not think I'm making excuses. I just want to explain how I feel?!

MrsB, there are so many if us who could be written your post and sadly can write the next chapters too. He is abusive, it will never change, it will fet worse, all the tjings menrioned by pp. do you want to be tied to him for the next 18yrs with a child (sorry)? Having to apparent with a Narc is hell on earth. He will want to control everything and will use the child to control you. I speak from bitter experience and 7yrs of ongoing abuse after divorce. Think carefully and do what's best for YOU. Please don't stay with him.

MrsB, there are so many if us who could be written your post and sadly can write the next chapters too. He is abusive, it will never change, it will fet worse, all the tjings menrioned by pp. do you want to be tied to him for the next 18yrs with a child (sorry)? Having to apparent with a Narc is hell on earth. He will want to control everything and will use the child to control you. I speak from bitter experience and 7yrs of ongoing abuse after divorce. Think carefully and do what's best for YOU. Please don't stay with him.

Op he really fits the classic abuser profile. He doesn't have any close friendships, he begrudges you yours, he twists every argument until you are the one accepting blame, you walk on eggshells so as not to upset him, his behaviour has deteriorated further since you became pregnant. These guys are so fucking unoriginal that their pattern of behaviour is very easy to spot. I don't think you are ready to leave yet but believe me when I say that there's nothing you can say or do to stop him being abusive, his behaviour will escalate and you will appease him until you no longer recognise yourself. Counselling together won't work- it's not recommended when one party is abusive. However counselling for yourself might be helpful, just so you can recognise that his behaviour is really abnormal. Calling Woman's Aid is also a good idea. Please keep posting here, lots of people have been where you are.

I'm no expert and there are people here who know far more than I do. I just wanted to say that this isn't how a man who loves you treats you when you're pregnant.

In a good relationship this above all times is when a loving man is protective and supportive. The exhaustion of the first trimester is notorious and you deserve love as well as practical help.

I suggest you read Lundy Bancroft's book, Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men. I would also suggest some counselling on your own. If you don't leave yet, try to stay safe, e.g. delete anything like this online, I'm not sure how but I know others will be able to help you. Try to keep up your friendships and relationships with your family going - he will try to isolate you further. The fact that you said you have to ask him if anyone can visit you in your own home really stood out. The first weeks and months with a new baby can be really demanding at the best of times. Imagine getting up hourly to feed and having to cope with him moaning (or worse) because his sleep is disturbed. Imagine trying to quieten a baby because he is getting angry. Please take care.

Another good book to read is The Verbally abusive retatonship.Patrica Evans.I bet you read it and light bulbs will go off.

It explains what is happening and why you are trying to make sense of it.It will also explain what's he is thinking.

I was in a similar situation, Mr Jekell & Hyde.It started after we married and I tried to make sense if it for years but eventually realised it was futile.
Nothing you can say or do will change your husbands behaviour.He isn't looking to develop a mutual and cooperative relationship.For him it's about "who is in control"

So many women have gone through this and it's not your fault.He chooses to treat you badly.

I believe I am better off single (with dc) as everyone assumed I had his loving supportive husband when the reality was so different.

please do not go counselling with this vile man, it will only give him an excuse to put the blame on you even more, you can't reason with monster men like him

I'll tell you now, just like every other poster on here, it will only get worse once your baby has arrived. Look how he treats you now! It's stress you do not need. You'd be a hell of a lot happier just looking out for you and your baby.

I'm a single mum an I went through similar, although complicated situation, you can do it! Don't put yourself and your child through anymore of his shit

OP, I hope you're ok?

I know it can be very hard to read a thread this emotionally charged, when you're feelings are all mixed up.

It can be a lot to take in.

Sending you best wishes

I'm in a similar situation right now. my partner actually said he doesn't want to part of the family any more. I have a dd from a previous relationship, he also has a dd from a previous relationship who lives with us and I'm 13 weeks pregnant with his child. we had a scan yesterday and all was good so should have been a good day, however he decided to tell me he is very unhappy in life and isn't sure what he wants any more.
I didn't say anything, however after sleeping on it over night I woke up this morning extremely upset and whilst getting ready for work he came starting telling me it's over and whilst at work he said he wouldn't be picking up my dd from school so have had to leave work and go pick her up. I've only just moved into my current area and dd has just started school (her 2nd school move and she's only 6) so now I'm in a predicament and extremely stressed. hope you get some answers. I will keep an eye on this thread to see if I find any useful information. good luck.

Hi everyone. Thank you sooo much for your feedback. We've talked and I've said how I feel. I'm stubborn and he is too. There's no excuse for how he behaves and I've told him that.

As I said I'm not ready to give up on our marriage and we have some work to do but I have so much more confidence now that it's not me and it is him. If he continues, he knows what he will lose

I'll keep this post live for now as there are a handful of ladies that look like the advice is beneficial to them

Thanks again ladies, your advice has given me more confidence than you will ever know xxx

🌸🌸🌸 For you MrsB, take good care now, we'll always be here for you Lovely.

Just keep an eye on his behaviour and if you see him returning to his bad ways then finish it. Don't be convinced by words..wait for his actions.

Here I sit all broken hearted I’m 29... I found out on Mother’s Day that I was pregnant the stupid Er doc literally told my husband it was impossible for me to be pregnant with his child due to the info he was giving... note he thinks he knows everything and told them my last cycle was the 10th n not the 7th. Only reason we ended up at the Er is because I vomited for 16 hours yeah I said 16 hours and in that 16 hours I sweated so bad that I looked like I’d taken a shower and this was at night... we found out mother’s day.... this should be great right we’ve been together 5 years married 1. I’ll have you know this relationship has not been easy he’s a cop and with that comes the Asshole badge. He thinks he’s always right I’m always wrong everything’s my fault... never his he’s degrading yes he degraded me a lot because he thinks he’s perfect. Don’t get me wrong he’s my best friend he treats me like a queen 80% of the time but the other 10% he’s and asshole... when we found out about this baby I never got the chance to have excitement because that got taken away the second we walked out of the Er!!! Yep that’s right we don’t even get to the truck before he was saying you dumbass bitch this is your fault you should get an abortion we are not ready for this. Uh at that moment I could have punched him square in the face instead I looked him dead in the eyes and said you aren’t but I am and thier is nothing you can do or say that will change my mind... since that day I’ve told both mom and stepmom and all our friends but no one will let me tell my daddy who is like my number 1.... he yells at me every time I tell someone because he is in denial he won’t except it he keeps saying I’m not pregnant and that it’s a phantom baby and my body just thinks it’s pregnant... I’m 6 weeks and I knew that from the very first Er visit as soon as the dr said I was pregnant I called my mom and sisters both sisters having children they gave me a pregnancy app which legitimately determined I was 4 weeks at the time of the appt... but remember the dumbass doctor told my husband it’s impossible for me to be pregnant. Today we fought because it was my first appt with the bitch midwife when I say bitch it goes like this they took my bp and listened to my heart that’s it... no pap.... kicked in October my iud started causing pain it became imbedded in my uterus and had to be yanked out... I had a hole in my uterus yet this bitch didn’t care.... here’s what really pissed me off she never made eye contact she wasn’t even taking to me she was talking to him yes he was there biggest mistake ever... I’m the pregnant one not him he doesn’t matter in this situation I do what he says doesn’t matter yet she continues to talk to him like I’m not there. I flipped and basically cussed her out because she wasn’t doing her job properly. In the care he annhilated me. Your such a bitch why do you have to be such a cunt why can’t you be nice you stupid bitch.... all the way thru town he annihilates me to the point I’m hysterically crying... yeah ladies men who ever reacts this I understand he’s not right what he’s doing is mean... I’m at my wits end I’m ready to run away from him... but I can’t do this without him and please spare yourself the words of saying you can do it on your own because I can’t and I won’t. I love this man so much but I don’t understand why he hates me so much and why I here him tell me he hates me more then he loves me lately... signed a torn wife

Hi moom, that’s quite a shocking read. I’m not a great person for advise (my only advice here would be to seek help through channels in your country for domestic abuse and try to get away safely, with support and a plan) but you will get more responses if you start your own thread. If you go on the main relationship menu there should be a button there so you can copy and paste this in and the lovely regular posters will be able to offer much better help.