Pregnant and husband hates me...

[MrsB12345]

I'm not really sure where to start?!

I've been married a year and am 12 weeks pregnant with our first. I'm guessing this should be a happy time in anyone's life? Sadly not for me. Dont get me wrong, I can't wait to be a mummy but my life with my husband is a rocky one. If you asked him, he would say it's my fault. 100% me. I apparently start arguments, I annoy him, I wind him up, he's told me recently he doesn't love me (although took that back the following day), I'm lazy (apparently you just need to get on with it in your first trimester), I need to get my hormones under control and "it's rubbish that you are effected by hormone changes when pregnant". The list is endless

Some history behind us. We met online a few years ago and I'd had two relationships where I'd been cheated on. We soon clicked and got on we'll and started a relationship. It was apparent that he didn't have any close friends but is someone they enjoys his own company which is fine with me. I am the opposite and have lots of friends in different circles.

My husband has always been highly strung. He gets caught up in the small stuff that he creates into big stuff. Arguments are generally started by him. I have around 20% of an input to arguments where he says the rest. I generally get told I have no point to what I'm saying and he continues with his very valid points ! I generally cry as I get so upset by his shouting and things he says and am the one who always apologises because it's never his fault. I've learnt not to voice how I feel as much as it's fuel to his angry fire and instead listen to him, say very little and apologise. On the occasions I call out his wrongdoing I get accused of deflecting blame and it's not him that's wrong. He never apologises. I think he is socially awkward through a lack of friends and this in turn means he doesn't know how to behave around people and I am everything to him. Wife, best friends, general friends. He doesn't believe in getting close to friends and thinks I am too dependent on my friends. He gets frustrated if I get a text and want to reply straight away and I have to ask if I can have anyone visit me at home.

An example tonight. It's 2.45 am and like most pregnant women I need a wee. I get up to use the ensuite but earlier in the night the shower was dripping after I used it so hubby got up, muttering to himself, and tightened the knob to stop the dripping. Unknowingly to me he left the shower screen open which was in the way of the loo. I went to wee, in the dark, so not to wake him and walked into the screen. I closed it but it made a loud noise which woke him up. I got shouted at for waking him up and doing it every night to him (a lie). When I said that it was because the screen was left open, by him, he said it was my fault for not turning the shower off. I apologised for the shower but I don't think I should apologise for him leaving the screen open and me not seeing it till I walked into it?

I don't want a divorce. I want to make it work but how can I talk to my husband when he won't let me it listen and not think I'm making excuses. I just want to explain how I feel?!

This sounds like my relationship with my X when I was at a similar stage (newly pregnant)

Right down to him not having close friends. I had friends to begin with! and I think he liked that about me but he ended up being so weird that I lost my friends, then he blamed me that 'we' had no friends.

Anyway, I was nodding along in sympathy until I got to the last sentence where you say that you don't want to get divorced. This is why you have no power to change the situation. none

I mean this with extreme kindness, not a gram of reprimand, but until your mindset changes and you are prepared to walk away nothing will change.

Being an arse hole to you is an excellent coping mechanism for this Blamer Tightly Wound men. It gets worse not better, even if it's on a subconscious level they are making a note of how they felt better after upsetting you. It makes these types feel powerful. They need to be a bigger and bigger arsehole over time to visibly upset you. If you're not visibly upset then they don't feel reassured of their power over you.

Please do not sacrifice your life to be an arsehole's coping mechanism.

Hi,
In many ways I'm in a very similar situation to you. Pm if you'd like to chat. I'm also 12 weeks pregnant and in a very, very difficult marriage. At the moment, my h has moved out temporarily. Maybe we can help each other a bit?

So true what mrsdv says, the only thing I regret is not leaving sooner. I could have started my new life sooner.

He is a shit.

You really need to get out now, or get him out.

He can't cope now with being woken once accidentally by you closing the shower door? He yells at you for that!!!

Please don't wait until you have a newborn baby. Newborns usually wake several times a night screaming to be fed. How is this cunt going to be then? Scream back at your baby and you? Wallop you both?

Don't say he isn't like that. He sounds as though he very much is.

ps, also, word of warning do not fall in to the trap of looking for a reason for his bad behaviour. this alleged incident that took place when he was at school. Some secret, almost literally, in the attic.

My x would pull a few tragedies out of the bag if I wasn't feeling so sorry for him that I put him first as a default. If I ever came up from air and had a moment of clarity he would make me feel I owed it to him to put him first and me second because of some half-mentioned, half-discussed never-clear incidents perpetrated against him by perpetrators.............. It was clear that I was going to be filed under Perpetrators if I didn't instantly capitulate and either give in wrt whatever need or right I'd be fighting for (respect probably). Basically if I demanded respect it was an affront to him.

My x could also be very attentive in bursts. But it wasn't the real him.

You can't fix it.

That may be hard to read. You am not want to believe it.

But it's true anyway.

This is an emotionally abusive man. If you stay, all the counselling and walking on egg shells won't help you.

You will be increasingly miserable and so will your child. They will also learn that this behaviour is normal and will go on to possibly become abused/ an abuser themselves.

I can say this with some certainty as I have lived it. And as others have said, my only regret is that I didn't leave sooner, and that I let my dc get fucked up for five years by that man.

(Who was lovely when he wasn't being emotionally abusive, they always have some good points, or you wouldn't stay. It's not worth it though.

I'll take happiness and freedom as a single parent over misery and living under a black cloud as a couple)

I just want to say this: you do have the option of choosing to end your pregnancy, still, if you decide you want out of this situation. This is not a man I would want to be tied to for life.

As PPs say he is abusive. That won't change, it will only get worse. I'm sorry. Please think about getting the hell out before your baby arrives and speaking to Women's Aid. This is no environment for either of you.

Your husband is abusive.

Please do NOT have counselling with him. There is NO POINT WHATSOEVER having counselling with an abusive man.

You need to leave him both for you and your unborn baby (should you decide to continue the pregnancy), but please make sure you do so safely.

If you would like to PM me please do, I have volunteered in women's refuges for several years. I don't any more but can give advice

I'm sorry Sweet, but this will only get worse when the baby arrives.
Counselling may indeed help you, but I guarantee, it won't change him.
Your heart wants you to stay and persevere, but your head should be telling you that something isn't quite right, not a pleasant battle.
Leaving now, will save you and your unborn baby, from a life of uncertainty and ultimately misery.
I speak sadly, from experience.
Confide in your family, or a close friend, you may need them in the middle of the night, they'll have your back.
Good luck OP. 🌸

It sounds horrid. Imagine what he'll be like when there's a crying baby in the night.

Listen to everyone else on the thread and get out now. This will only get worse.

Take it from someone who was in an almost indentical situation... he is abusive. He is ruining your pregnancy and WILL ruin your first memorable year with your little one (and more to come) no counselling in the world will change him he's all about himself. You could even show him this post and he'd disagree with all of us!

Trust me, being a single mum and getting divorced is a million times better than having to ask permission all the time, changing who you are as a person and not having any friends to turn to.

^^This

He sounds awful, OP.

With a baby in the mix, he will be a million times worse. Imagine him getting up at night to change nappies. Would he? What if the baby cries all night? Will he be patient or will he fly into a rage?

Do you want to have his baby and be tied to him for the next 18 years?

I'm so sorry, but this situation isn't going to get any better - only worse - and the only action you can take to keep yourself and your baby safe is to leave.

I was married to a man similar to this, and I wasted 5 years trying to understand him, trying to work out what was making him behave the way he did, making excuses for him, making myself smaller, choosing my every word so carefully, and in the end saying nothing at all because anything could set him off - eventually even the "look on my face".

Please, don't go for counselling with him. Instead, contact Women's Aid, talk to them and listen to them.

Please.

So sorry Mrs B that you're experiencing this at what should be the happiest time of your life.
He's not supporting you and he's being manipulative and controlling.
If he doesn't agree to councilling I'm afraid that shows he doesn't care and doesn't want to change.
My df was controlling and abusive but could also be very charming and loving ( when he wanted something).
I'm truly afraid that this will escalate once baby arrives.
Be careful of him , open up to someone you trust, or phone a women's aid helpline for advice/ options.
I grew up in a toxic environment and wouldn't inflict it on any child.
Ask yourself, does he make me happy?
Will he be a good role model for my baby?
Why doesn't he have any friends?
Why won't he go to councilling?
Do what's best for you and baby x

OP like PP said it doesn't get better, statistically at least it will probably get worse when you have your DC.

Things like marriage and pregnancy often lead to the abuse stepping up a notch. I stayed 5 years and had two more DC. I caused my DD's especially DD2 a lot of heartbreak by staying and it's something I'm very much ashamed off.

I'm sorry your going through it, it's really shit

When the baby is here it will get worse - far far worse.
Believe everyone here when they tell you that.
Do NOT have joint counselling with an abuser.
It's never recommended.
Have some for yourself to find out why you are still there putting up with this and why you think it's a good idea to put your unborn baby and yourself under so much stress at a time when you should be looked after and loved and supported. This will NOT get better as the pregnancy develops. It will however, get far worse.
Counselling would be highly beneficial for you.
Also do the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid.
That will help you see this for what it is.
I'd also recommend you read the book 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft.
You will find your abusive DH in there.

You want to make it work but it can't as you are married to a very abusive man, get out now darling before he ups the anty which is v common in pregnancy... I know it's hard, but you can do it x

He is abusive. It will get worse. You need to leave him while you still can.

I remember living in this kind of misery myself. If you stay, he will destroy you, and your baby. I hope you can find the strength to leave.

I can tell you the outcome of this as I have been in your exact position. I stayed with him. After my baby was born it was horrific. He was constantly on my back for the house not being spotless and calling me lazy. Told me I hadn't said things I knew I had. I ended up thinking I was crazy and had awful PND. I left when LO was 1. I literally couldn't take the shouting (in my face while holding the baby). I was a wreck. It took me a year to get back on my feet and find my confidence. I had also left my job so had to start all over again. Once I got back to myself I can't describe the feeling of relief and elation to not live constantly panicking. I'm a few years down the line now and genuinely don't think I would be here if I had stayed. I'd give anything to get that time back so it could be a happy time with my baby. Once your baby comes along your perspective will change.

Your OP is so sad to read. Please listen to the advice of PPs on this thread, there is support available for you, you just need to take the first step towards a happier life for you and your baby.

Just to add to FitzChivarly, about taking steps towards a happier life, I was a single parent from the very start. My daughter's nearly 18 years old now, and it's been a great and generally very happy journey with just me and her together. Had some ups and downs along the way, but we have a close relationship, she's happy well adjusted and full of life, and about to take her A levels before going to University in a few months time.
If you choose to leave your relationship, you will get through the initial difficult period and come out the other side in a happier and sunnier place with your child.

You can't fix it, he's too badly damaged to be fixed and doesn't want to be fixed anyway otherwise he'd have done something about it before now.

You are in an abusive relationship and I'd advise you to now whilst pregnant to go home to your family who actually care about you; he just wants you there to use as a punch bag and to make himself feel better about being a truly miserable horrible git of a human being.

That's it really.

Echoing above; I also raised my daughter alone (as my partner was just not good enough but nothing like your partner, he wasn't abusive). Myself and my daughter had a lovely relationship growing up and still do, you don't need a man, especially a bully to help you bring up one child.

Mrs. B., I hope this has been helpful to you. All the advice here is brilliant, and should help you make a decision.
For what it's worth, I would not spend another night under the same roof as this man.

OP - as adora above says, - is your H good enough for your child?

If not, get rid.