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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pregnant and husband hates me...

89 replies

MrsB12345 · 25/04/2017 04:13

I'm not really sure where to start?!

I've been married a year and am 12 weeks pregnant with our first. I'm guessing this should be a happy time in anyone's life? Sadly not for me. Dont get me wrong, I can't wait to be a mummy but my life with my husband is a rocky one. If you asked him, he would say it's my fault. 100% me. I apparently start arguments, I annoy him, I wind him up, he's told me recently he doesn't love me (although took that back the following day), I'm lazy (apparently you just need to get on with it in your first trimester), I need to get my hormones under control and "it's rubbish that you are effected by hormone changes when pregnant". The list is endless

Some history behind us. We met online a few years ago and I'd had two relationships where I'd been cheated on. We soon clicked and got on we'll and started a relationship. It was apparent that he didn't have any close friends but is someone they enjoys his own company which is fine with me. I am the opposite and have lots of friends in different circles.

My husband has always been highly strung. He gets caught up in the small stuff that he creates into big stuff. Arguments are generally started by him. I have around 20% of an input to arguments where he says the rest. I generally get told I have no point to what I'm saying and he continues with his very valid points Hmm! I generally cry as I get so upset by his shouting and things he says and am the one who always apologises because it's never his fault. I've learnt not to voice how I feel as much as it's fuel to his angry fire and instead listen to him, say very little and apologise. On the occasions I call out his wrongdoing I get accused of deflecting blame and it's not him that's wrong. He never apologises. I think he is socially awkward through a lack of friends and this in turn means he doesn't know how to behave around people and I am everything to him. Wife, best friends, general friends. He doesn't believe in getting close to friends and thinks I am too dependent on my friends. He gets frustrated if I get a text and want to reply straight away and I have to ask if I can have anyone visit me at home.

An example tonight. It's 2.45 am and like most pregnant women I need a wee. I get up to use the ensuite but earlier in the night the shower was dripping after I used it so hubby got up, muttering to himself, and tightened the knob to stop the dripping. Unknowingly to me he left the shower screen open which was in the way of the loo. I went to wee, in the dark, so not to wake him and walked into the screen. I closed it but it made a loud noise which woke him up. I got shouted at for waking him up and doing it every night to him (a lie). When I said that it was because the screen was left open, by him, he said it was my fault for not turning the shower off. I apologised for the shower but I don't think I should apologise for him leaving the screen open and me not seeing it till I walked into it?

I don't want a divorce. I want to make it work but how can I talk to my husband when he won't let me it listen and not think I'm making excuses. I just want to explain how I feel?!

OP posts:
thethoughtfox · 25/04/2017 07:37

This is dysfunctional and unhealthy. Please stop making excuses for him. He doesn't have friends for a reason. You need to hear that his behaviour is abusive and unacceptable and will only get worse now that you are pregnant. Please try to get help and advise in RL.

thethoughtfox · 25/04/2017 07:38

I didn't even read the PP and we have said the same thing. This is very common.

troodiedoo · 25/04/2017 07:41

Oh OP poor you, your husband is a monster. This isn't fixable. Please get help to get away from him. Flowers congratulations on your pregnancy. There is support for you here.

ineedmoreLemonPledge · 25/04/2017 07:48

He sounds like he has the traits of a covert narcissist OP.

http://infoselfdevelopment.com/covert-narcissism-know-your-emotional-abuser/

He won't go to counselling because he simply thinks he is 100% right.

If the argument cycle is him attacking and you crying then for sure he'll come to resent you even more for this behaviour. My ex didn't look on crying as a warning sign of me being in distress, he saw it as a weakness on my part.

When you do start crying what does he do? Stop and apologise for pushing too far? Go away and calm down? Or continue his tantrum regardless?

You apologising to keep the peace is just feeding his supply.

Has it gotten worse since your pregnancy began? If he does fit this description he'll be very jealous of the attention and care you need in pregnancy and the lack of control he has on something in his life.

It will only get worse when the child is born.

If he won't go to counselling (and if you do suspect he's a Narc then you shouldn't go with him) please please go on your own. You need a place to get some headspace and clarity and strength.

I'd be interested to see how he'd react to it too OP, you telling a "stranger" your relationship problems. Perhaps make a discreet appointment and go without telling him?

GimbleInTheWabe · 25/04/2017 07:48

He doesn't have a nice side and a nasty side- it's all him.
Life without him won't be as scary as it seems and will be a darn sight better for you and your baby compared to life with him.
You can do it OP, you're worth so much more than this.

PickAChew · 25/04/2017 07:52

Nothing you can do will make this work. He is abusive and the abuse will escalate once there is a baby and the associated lack of sleep, need for more joint decisions and so on in the picture.

MrsBertBibby · 25/04/2017 07:59

It's no coincidence this is happening whilst you are pregnant.

I used to do a lot of domestic violence injunctions. We used to joke we could save time typing up statements if we had a standard paragraph like this:

"The abuse started / got worse after we married / I got pregnant / baby was born. "

You can't fix him, only he can fix himself, and in his mind, he's just fine.

WateryTart · 25/04/2017 08:01

This will be the rest of your life. Is it what you want?

ShuttyTown · 25/04/2017 08:09

He's an abusive controlling cunt. Do yourself and your baby a favour and LTB. He'll never ever change

newdaylight · 25/04/2017 08:09

I don't think it's going to get better. Can you imagine what he'll be towards your child, and how much worse he is likely to be towards you when you are coping with childcare. Your dc will witness all of that, and they need protecting

AhYerWill · 25/04/2017 08:10

Every abusive man has sweet and kind and charming moments. Just because yours can be nice doesn't make him any the less abusive.

My ex was like this, it started with the blaming and temper tantrums when he didn't get his own way in the first few years. By 8 years in, things were regularly violent but I still couldn't see how abusive he was.

TheElephantofSurprise · 25/04/2017 08:12

When my abusive then-husband was caught being unfaithful, my mind told me I 'didn't want a divorce'. It lied.
Have a firm word with any part of yourself that says you have to/should/want to stay with this man.
You are twelve weeks pregnant. Before the baby comes you could have established yourself somewhere else, away from him.
He isn't going to improve.
Joint counselling would result in his manipulation of the counsellor to punish you further.
You are volunteering for a life of misery if you stay with him.
Escape now, and you and your baby can be happy together.

HeavenlyEyes · 25/04/2017 08:18

please do not go to couples counselling with this vile man. Go for yourself to work out why you put up with him and then get the strength to leave him for good. Do it now. And do the Freedom Programme too so you never ever end up with an abuser ever again.

Bythebeach · 25/04/2017 08:20

Mrs B, for yours and your baby's welfare please consider leaving. Your husband is cruel and abusive. Your description of him is chilling - can you imagine him screaming into your baby's face when he/she disturbs him at night? Will it be your job to make sure baby doesn't? He sounds like he doesn't respect you at all and shouts you down in any argument.

MegsMog · 25/04/2017 08:25

When my husband wants to be nice and loving he is amazing. We have a fabulous time. He just has another side to him.

I'm so sorry OP, but this is what all abusers are like. What you've described is classic abusive behaviour. Please, please at least call Women's Aid confidentially for a chat. Agree with others that you need to leave him before baby comes.

Please document every instance of abusive behaviour from now on too (ie. Every time he's nasty to you, every time he starts an argument with you) as this will help you in the future. I would strongly recommend he is not included on your baby's birth certificate.

Huge hugs - I know how hard it is but you CAN leave him and you'll feel so much better once you do. You currently have lots of friends and family who can support you - leave now before he makes you cut your ties to them... Flowers

SnugglyBedSocks · 25/04/2017 08:27

He sounds awful. No matter what you do it seems you can't "win" with him. He won't improve. If you're happy with that then stay but ultimately he is this person who you don't like or want to be with.

C0RA · 25/04/2017 08:33

Megs - they are married, she can't stop him being on the birth certificate .

OP please sign up for couselling today. Do you have the cash to go to relate or smilar on your own once a week ? It's usually about £45 and often no / short waiting list if you can pay .

Don't tell you husband you are going unless you have to. If you have to, tell him you are going to work on your childhood issues so you can be a better mother and wife.

C0RA · 25/04/2017 08:34

Another option for you would be the Freedom Programme run by women's aid. You may need to phone them up to find out where and where it is locally .

nannybeach · 25/04/2017 08:35

Was he like this BEFORE you married? Def a control freak. My 1st H was the same, didnt show me this side of him BEFORE we married, seemed very sensitive, if we had a row HE would cry, wanted to marry very quickly, thought it was very romantic, 20 years down the line found out he was gay, wanted a respectable married life for the sake of his middle class family. He controlled the whole of my life apart from letting me go to work. It is a shame you are pregnant, because leaving would have been so much easier if you werent. Dont make the mistake I did of staying, he tried to kill me twice, it isnt easy especially when you have small kids no-where to go.

TheFirstMrsDV · 25/04/2017 08:37

If you stay to try and work it out and eventually leave him you will look back on the terrible years you stayed and wonder why the hell you didn't get out.
You have the benefit of many other women's hindsight here.
Listen
Flowers

shinynewusername · 25/04/2017 08:39

Don't bother with counselling - he is not going to change. You need to leave him because this will only get worse. Sorry Flowers

shinynewusername · 25/04/2017 08:40

Sorry - I meant don't bother with the couples counselling you mentioned. Counselling for you is a good idea.

C0RA · 25/04/2017 08:41

Shiny is right. Anyway couples couselling won't take on a couple where there's abuse, they will insist that you get couselling individually.

Ceto · 25/04/2017 08:42

If he's like this now, he is certainly not going to get any better once your baby is born - he's never going to cope with the baby waking him at night, is he? If you are going to leave, logistically it would be easier to do so before the baby is born.

ineedmoreLemonPledge · 25/04/2017 08:42

If you have to, tell him you are going to work on your childhood issues so you can be a better mother and wife.

Good advice CORA it'll massage his ego enough to let it pass.

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