What do you do if you want to divorce but have no money, no family, and live in London?

[thewallsstareatme]

I've posted here about this so many times that I name changed this time (I'm embarrassed).

If I could rent a flat I would move in a heartbeat - in an ideal world I'd move out with the 2 DC, and then DH and I could figure out what to do.

I think the 7 years since we had DC eroded all the love, respect and everything we had for each other. It could, maybe, be fixable, but definitely not in the life we have now.

We just had another fight - it's really a sad thing to see two adults behaving so bad.

But the point is: we live in London, half his salary goes to rent, we can't even pay for all the bills. I'm a 38 yo journalist who have been freelancing for the last 7 years, which means I'm basically unemployable (I've tried). Journo salaries are so low they don't cover childcare, anyway.

We are not from the UK. No family, no relatives houses, no help with childcare. Nowhere to run.

I don't want to go back to my country, as the only option would be to live with my mum, and she's a bit toxic. (on top of that my home city is rife with crime, and the economy is not doing well either)

I chose a stupid career, and have no chance of getting a job that pays a decent salary, even though I have a Masters, years of experience, speak 3 languages and so on.

Really have no idea what to do.

DH's salary is not enough to pay for two flats (even one bed flats). I may be able to get some benefits, but so what? I could live on benefits for a couple of years IF that was a time needed to get on my feet again. But I don't see how I could ever make money enough to raise DC (with or without pension).

DH is not happy either. He feels trapped in his job, he's gained A LOT of weight in the last few years, plays too much computer games, has nothing good going on. He does the housework, but only if I ask (and sometimes I have to insist a lot - that's precisely the reason for the row today).

We have no money for leisure, for a babysitter, for a cleaner, for anything. We all wear rubbish clothes, we can't go anywhere. We are both tired, angry and frustrated, and that's why we end up fighting. It's pathetic, really. Anyone would say "just split, FFS!" - but how?

...universities often start back later than schools ....

I think you're underestimating what you and your husband could achieve.

I take it your husband has good qualifications? You obviously have brilliant qualifications and great skills too, which are pretty transferable to other jobs as well.

What makes you think you have to live in London just because you come from abroad?
I live in a village just outside Southampton which is an hour from London. There are tons of jobs here and like another poster said you could get a teaching job.
I live in a small place and we have people in my daughters school who've come from abroad, and they are treated no differently so you don't have to live In a big place to 'fit in'.

I think living in London has become an unreasonable expectation and it's ruining your lives.
Move further south and you'll get the sea and fresh air as well as the big city jobs.

I think you should look for job opportunities around Bristol and Bath (we live in Bath). There is a lot of creative industry work here too, Future publishing are based in Bath, good for both journalism and advertising! Believe me I know what you are saying, we work in music business very London centric, but we are able to work from home and an office here too and go to London maybe once every 2 weeks. Lots to do in the area, big city vibe in Bristol, Bath lovely if you like oxford and Cambridge (we gave livedin oxford , very pricey for a decent area). You can rent a nice 3 bed house here in Bath for 1200 or so , same in Bristol, we rent a 5 bed converted pub and pay half what we would in London or Oxford and use it to work from as well as storage . I think you need to sideways think OP, the world doesn't end in London, creative industry whilst London centric does gave stuff elsewhere. Someone once said to me about London , unless you are comfortably off, once you have a family you can end up paying for a life you are not having!!

What makes you think you have to live in London just because you come from abroad? I live in a small place and we have people in my daughters school who've come from abroad, and they are treated no differently so you don't have to live In a big place to 'fit in'.

I totally agree with this too. We live in a small city just outside London. There are masses of people here who have moved out of London to afford a house/more space/better schools and there are many, many non-British people from all over the world. Just off the top of my head, in our friendship circle are people from the USA, Australia, France, Greece, Croatia, Nigeria, Pakistan, Brazil, Venezuela, Ireland ... I could go on. I know there are areas of Britain that are still very white and British, but pretty much anywhere in the south-east is going to be pretty cosmopolitan and diverse, so don't be afraid of moving.

yetmorecrap, that's a really good suggestion! I live 40 miles from Bristol, and Somerset is wonderful! We were in Berkshire before, and I was very apprehensive about the move, but I am so glad we did it. We now live in a huge 5 bed house that costs less than our 3 bed in Berkshire. It's beautiful here, people are more relaxed, and travel to London is actually not that bad, the train is surprisingly fast, and there are cheap coaches as well.

OP, if you can at all afford it, come for a visit, yetmorecrap and me will give you a tour.

Indeed misscph, I think it's really easy to get into the London mindset , without actually realising there are opportunities elsewhere, even in creative industry. For instance the local mag here was looking for a sub ed and journo the other week. I work in a creative business centre and we have tons of freelance journos there. I know the pressure in London and the expense and the fact we sold our 1 bed flat to a couple with a 5 year old!!

And if you are stressed like thewallsstareatme is, then it can seem impossible and scary to ever do anything but what you have always done. But nothing is going to change if you always do what you have always done.

yetmorecrap Bath is a good idea as well! I will have a look. Would you mind telling me the name of a company or a website to have a look? :)

italian I agree with everything you said, and I know it's not personal when they don't call me for an interview. BUT London attracts the best professionals in the world, so there are loads and loads of people who are as good or better than me, everywhere, applying for the same positions.

I know I can pull it off, but I need a plan (a good one). We decided to wait until September so I can work on this plan. In the meantime, I'm working on a personal project, that MAY work out and bring some money. That's why I'm not actively looking for work right now.

But I love the suggestions! I really, really want to go back to the creative industries.

ilovechoc I assume you were born in 1987? So you're 10 and 15 years younger than us. I agree with you we could achieve things, but we are tired. Once you see your glass ceiling, it's very hard to ignore it and push through it (which I believe is possible, but get harder the older you get. At least for us). I was MUCH more optimistic 10 years ago.

Well, 11 years ago we moved country and started a new life in London! You can tell we had a lot of confidence in ourselves. And we were right, we did well. We could still do better today if we had the energy, but if you read the whole thread, you'd know we are exhausted. We are too tired to GO FOR IT (in capital letters, like we did a few years ago). If we did, it would work out, at least a bit, I'm sure.

Anyway, just to wrap things up: had a chat with DH yesterday. You know that saying that the darkest hour is the one right before sunrise? I think we just have to hold on until the end of the year.

He promised to change one thing that I had asked before. I promised to change another, let's see.

I always promise myself I will complain less, and never manage to. I'm promising that to myself again. I'll try to be nicer for a few months.

Then we can decide what to do. Split or not, change city (or country) or not.

As pps said, you have to have loads of money to live well in London. That would be lovely, but we have to figure out alternatives, just in case we don't get rich soon ;)

PS: It may not sound like, but I'm more optimistic after this thread. Thanks

Yes darkest hour is before dawn, OP.

Remember, sometimes you just have to trust your gut and go for it!

Whatever you decide, remember things can improve, but life is not a fairytale and there will always be hardships and challenges. Unless you are rich and have lots of choices of where to live and what to do, there will always be compromises.

I think one of the things that comes across from your original post is how "stuck" you feel, in your marriage, job (or lack thereof) and so on. I'm a believer that sometimes you have to just "do" something for things to change! You just have to get yourself in a position where you able to do this ... and hey presto .

My experience with big change is that once I finally did it (moving) I wondered why I had prevaricated so long ...

p.s. I always wondered about those mysterious Part-Time jobs in London too! Alot of the jobs I was interested in wanted very flexible hours, just not possible with children. Unless you work in a school. Everyone said to me "work in a school", as if that were the only p-t job in the world!!!! Maybe it was!!!!

I think to help improve your morale, you should get a part time job locally doing anything and your husband can look after children while you work eg cafe, shop, caring, restaurant, hospital etc

You will earn money, meet people and it will help you focus on what you really want to do

Once you are in work, I have found that this leads to more opportunities

Lots of people commute to work in London or other big cities and the surrounding areas and you could look at this for the future. Living outside London is cheaper, but if working in London, you have to add in the travel costs.

I would add your CV onto Linked In and other job sites, putting your language skills first

Longer term. a degree should open more job opportunities for you. I would look into a wider range of jobs; travel agency, recruitment, hospital, teaching, private tutor, police desk job, university

Do you need to apply for UK Citizenship to be able to work in UK ?
Some jobs you have to prove this when you apply for the job

I am in the process of relocating to a new town to secure a job. It is expensive to relocate, but the long term rewards should pay positively

Here is an idea of housing in Bath on a 3 bed house, see links below--Ive looked between 900 and 1150 a month for you, although there are things that are quite a lot more. But I think this will give you a good idea. JobWise thats difficult as I dont know what you can/cant do skillwise, same with your husband. But Have a look on Future Publishings website or LoveHoneyboth quite big employers in creative stuff. Love Honey also really like multi lingual staff and its a very fun company!! Get on Total Jobs and "Indeed" . and "Reed" and Monster all big sites. No reason you cant maybe look at part time too and freelance as well. Schools are excellent here state schools nearly all very good indeed. Its small enough to get around without needing car all the time , if at all, train to London every half an hour , and to Bristol (13 minutes away) buses good too and yet we have several theatres, music venues, great shopping, zillions of bars, old world pubs and restaurants and lots of festivals all year round with tons for the kids, lots of free stuff to do and fantastic walks on the doorstep. I honestly think you would have a better life, and Ive lived in both with a child. Clearly this is all irrelevant if the main issue is your marriage. So you have to really thinkis it the circumstances causing the marriage issues do you think or far more to it than that. If its the marriage and you have just grown out of each other then maybe somewhere like this would suit you on your own with the kids. You would get top ups if earnings are low, maintenance , as well as work money and Im sure you would get by. For a woman on her own with kids I think its a fantastic small city to live. It is quite "white" yes in Bath-- but Bath and Bristol are really liberal places with loads of nationalities. No one would like twice at you. I say Bath rather than Bristol because much as I enjoy Bristol, where you live makes a massive difference schools wise, its huge and with very rubbish public transport and I think you could maybe feel a bit isolated without a network of friends there. Bath is cosier and roughly the same price.

www.rightmove.co.uk/property-to-rent/property-13153476.html

www.rightmove.co.uk/property-to-rent/property-47899842.html

www.rightmove.co.uk/property-to-rent/property-47334984.html

www.rightmove.co.uk/property-to-rent/property-65682953.html

www.rightmove.co.uk/property-to-rent/property-47691012.html

www.rightmove.co.uk/property-to-rent/property-46706259.html

www.rightmove.co.uk/property-to-rent/property-58953934.html

Just another London thought. I found it difficult to do anything cultural in London because although I was in the same city as lots of great stuff, I was a good 40 mins away because the city is so huge and I was permanently knackered because the city is so huge. It can be a darn sight easier to actually do cultural stuff if you are a lot closer!

Newcastle?
3 bed house in glorious Tynemouth £1000 a month

Account Manager role going at Newcastle agency Guerilla Communications

I'll stop having fun googling and making daft suggestions. Hope things work out for you.

I agree with annadale, which was why I suggested Bath (and my links) I found with London that the sheer vastness meant that it became a fag getting to and from things and ended up doing far less than somewhere a bit more compact (I found the same in Bristol too to be honest) -- the advantage here in Bath is you also have Bristol for work too and is only 13 minutes on train, so you get the best of both worlds.

thewallsstareatme just wanted to say you sound more positive and that is great.

"He promised to change one thing that I had asked before. I promised to change another, let's see."

Hope it is going well.

"I always promise myself I will complain less, and never manage to. I'm promising that to myself again. I'll try to be nicer for a few months."

You know I am trying to do this with my kids. Here is one 'trick' speak slower. When you say your dh's name (or I say my kids's names) in that split second from name to comment change it around.
I did it this weekend.

"ds".. I was going to say "Please be well-behaved this weekend" and I changed it to "You were very well-behaved this morning." (which was actually true).

Look for the little things he does, washing up, bringing home something nice, and compliment him. If he never brings home anything nice ask him to bring home something specially, then tell him it's great he remembered!

Good luck.