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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Starting over in your 50's

67 replies

Emptynestx2 · 20/04/2017 12:00

I've posted before though didn't get a huge response. Background is my H has had emotional affairs, we/I have tried to work and get over these, it's hard as he still works with the last woman and travels with her. I have just found out that he has been messaging the first woman (approx 7 years ago). He has told her when we have arguments, how possessive I am although interestingly he didn't confide to her about the recent OW, presumably because he wanted her sympathy about how crap his life is without explaining why. He has also told lies about how he arranged my mums funeral single handedly... That is just a complete made up fact so he's living in a dream world of being a misunderstood hero....

I don't think I can come back from what I feel is the most recent betrayal - do you agree that level of intimacy is a betrayal btw?

So, if I can't put it back together again, how do I start over? I will have to move countries back to the uk. We moved away for his career 6 years ago.

Any help or insights would be much appreciated

OP posts:
RacoonofDoom · 20/04/2017 13:44

Didn't want to read and run but not sure I have much to say that will be helpful.
I do agree that level of intimacy is a betrayal, especially as it seems he's still in contact with someone from 7 years ago. Did I understand that correctly?

Do you have much support here in the UK for when you come back? I started over a decade ago, in my mid 40s. I didn't need to move countries but it did involve ending a 20 year marriage and relocating within England. I didn't have much support and it was tough. Things are good now though.

donners312 · 20/04/2017 13:55

Of course you can start over again and live a great a life.

You just have to want to do that more than you want to stay married to a piece of disrespectful shit!!

TheNaze73 · 20/04/2017 14:27

You're both clearly unhappy. It should be him but, doubt he will but, one of you needs to do the right thing & end it. He's going to continue to look elsewhere for what he needs, this will quite rightly piss you off. Sadly, it all sounds doomed

yetmorecrap · 20/04/2017 15:02

yes , its none of her business, unless he makes it so, which he has! Clearly he gets a buzz from communicating with someone other than you (believe me Ive been there) and am in same position as you--except not abroad. If you really dont think you can hack this and he isnt going to stop then I think its best to move on

cheapskatemum · 20/04/2017 18:06

I think the only thing that is holding you back is fear of the unknown. Could you return to UK for a break, or holiday, on your own, or at least without "D"H and start putting out feelers? For example, I know that it is far easier to buy/rent privately/get a council property in the rural location where I now live, than it was in the urban location I used to live in. On the other hand, jobs are harder to come by here and pay less when you do get one. Even if you don't get as far as coming to UK, maybe you could start listing your priorities and doing research online?

His dishonesty and lack of respect for you and your feelings would make me want to leave him, if I were you. Not to mention his lack of remorse or contrition.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/04/2017 18:08

I think making something up about something so painful to you is definitely a very hurtful betrayal

HappyJanuary · 20/04/2017 18:59

I don't know what country you're in or whether this is even relevant to you, but a friend separated recently in similar circumstances and didn't get a penny because he hid it all abroad, despite her spending tens of thousands trying to recover it. Get your ducks in a row before tipping him off if any of this might apply to you.

Good luck btw, a glorious single life awaits, one where your self esteem isn't ground into the ground as your husband pursues other women. No relationship is better than a bad one.

rumred · 20/04/2017 19:03

Urgh what an awful person he is. Being single will be so much easier than living with a lying tosser

isitjustme2017 · 20/04/2017 21:22

Only you can make that decision. But you deserve to be happy, remember that. Don't wake up one day in 10 years time and think you've left it too late.
It does sound like your dh has no respect for you at all. He doesn't deserve you.

Whatalready · 20/04/2017 21:52

I can understand why you posted. You must feel isolated and unsure. Separating in the UK is hard but you know the laws better. Before you dump him, like pp said, do your research. Why should you come back to struggle? Can you see a lawyer over there in a nearby town? You need advice. You have plenty of active wonderful life ahead of you without him. Try and imagine beyond your current situation. My dear friend has left her husband of 30 years and is doing great. Good luck and keep posting.

Livelovebehappy · 20/04/2017 22:02

I'm guessing if you have DCs that they are adults? If so, even if teens, it will be a lot easier for you than having to return here, and have all the pressures of raising young DCs alone. You will be a lot happier though away from this toxic relationship. It's not going to be easy at first sorting yourself out with a home and job, but it will get easier - finding contentment and happiness will come eventually OP.

Whatalready · 21/04/2017 09:11

Which country are you in OP?

Whatalready · 21/04/2017 09:24

I don't know if you are in the EU but this was quite interesting
The ‘first in time’ system means that as long as you have the legal right to get divorced or dissolve your civil partnership in that EU country, and provided that you are the first member of the couple to start proceedings, that’s where they will take place.
So if you trigger the proceedings, you can nominate the UK? Obviously you would check first!
I would find his behaviour a betrayal. It's like he wants sympathy and attention from these OW. He makes a point of letting you know too. What an arsehole.

ponyprincess · 21/04/2017 11:54

It is not easy but so totally worth it! You deserve happiness and you can take action.to find it at any age

HorridHenryrule · 21/04/2017 12:03

Life is to short leave him. I am wondering why you haven't left already do you have children together?

If you don't let him be someone else's problem.

Original poster
Emptynestx2 · 23/04/2017 15:51

Thanks for the replies, sorry I've been a while coming back to the post. I'm so confused tbh. I am scared of a life alone, my parents are high dead, I think if mum was in the UK then I would have gone back. I've got two children, one working and one at uni. I just don't understand what's wrong with him that he needs his ego stroked by other people whilst saying he only wants me. This other woman told him to leave if he's so unhappy but he said he didn't want to. We are in the EU, his job is here so he would have to stay. Money could be a big issue as I've not worked since we ,over nearly 6 years ago and even then I was part time.

OP posts:
Whatalready · 23/04/2017 17:23

I think you are understandably torn. The fear of the unknown versus a long future living like this. But you mustn't continue like this. It's horrible to think of you putting up with the situation. You could try counseling to get to the bottom of why he uses OW for attention, if you still love him and want to stay. Could you take your sons into your confidence? Have they observed his behaviour? Chances are they are aware of your unhappiness but waiting for you to confirm what's happening. They might not be as good as your mum but they may surprise you. A nice person like you will not be alone for long if you do decide to split. My friend has parted from her husband in her 50s and is doing well. For practicalities you could start doing some sums. Look on Rightmove for flats to rent. Can you secure a nest egg of any sort from your marriage? Do you have or can you set up a bank account in the UK in your own name? You will feel better if you have money to launch a new start. But you won't spend your life alone. xxx

CharlieSierra · 23/04/2017 17:37

I started again at 50. For a long time I hoped that things could change, like you I tried to understand why he behaved as he did. First I needed to stop doing that, accept that he wouldn't change and that I was no longer prepared to put up with it. Then I made a plan and carried it out. You can do it, but you have to get past the stage of wondering and caring why he does what he does, it doesn't matter and he won't change.

Original poster
Emptynestx2 · 23/04/2017 17:40

The children eldest DD and a son both knew about the affair last year as I was a mess, they love him but are upset knowing he can make me so unhappy. I didn't tell them about his recent conversations with this woman. I know they haven't met but the conversation was about how much better he could feel with her "ripping his clothes off" hard to read and it really knocked the wind out of my sails, especially after all the promises never to hurt me again - it's like he just can't help himself. I can get a few thousand together and I could probably get help from my brother but he's a fixer and would be on my case a lot. I feel I need to come to a decision myself - eventually! I am scared of this happening for the rest of my life though....like I'll never have peace, scared of being on my own too

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 23/04/2017 18:14

It's never too late to cut your losses.

Whatalready · 23/04/2017 18:30

He has destroyed your self confidence. Made you feel worthless. Shitty man. He doesn't deserve you. You need to hear from ladies that have done this and now enjoying life.

Whatalready · 26/04/2017 21:42

How are you?

Original poster
Emptynestx2 · 26/04/2017 22:29

I'm feeling a bit lost to be honest, the outrage at finding the new messages has gone - am wondering if I'm over reacting and he's acting as though nothing has happened. I'm keeping my distance and he knows I'm not happy but for goodness sakes I can't live like this forever can I?!! Am I over reacting, do other people exist with their husbands sharing their intimate thoughts with another woman?! I feel I don't know what's right any more!

OP posts:
IsNotGold · 26/04/2017 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Emptynestx2 · 26/04/2017 23:45

This is one of the messages I've seen, he swore he'd never slept with her - first message is from her - sorry if it's jumbled - I took out sender details - please let me know if you'd be ok with this kind of exchange - think I'm going mad sometimes!

You don’t have to thank me.

Xx, if I saw you, I would rip your clothes off…but since you are so far away, I try not to have feelings. Yesterday I heard a song “You’re Unbelievable”…and you sent that song to me.

This is a purpose of why people are in each other’s life. With you to be in mine, you showed me the “WOW” Factor and how love could be. With me in your life, I think it’s to show how much value you are. That you have the kindest heart, that you are sweet, loving…and deserved to be loved….and yes, stubborn – (I always have to put that in to keep you humble)…but you are a fantastic guy. You live life to the fullest…and I admire that.

Go ahead and enjoy dinner. Please put on a helmet. (I meant on top of your head – the one on top of your shoulders)….lol Do you travel by tank? Lol…

Okay…I should let you go. Thank you for being you.

I will let you know when I am back. Yes, DD will be home on Thursday too, until Monday.

Thank you for caring

You see…I agree with Emptynest. I would be upset with you going to Xx I don’t want anything to happen to you. Heck, if something happened to you, I wouldn’t know. I would just think you blocked me. Maybe that would be better. Okay…now I’m good. (joking)…but I am worried about you. Any way you can tell me you are home safe? Umm..never mind. You will forget and then I will be worried.

Okay..that’s good. Is DD coming home?

Umm…I meant…um…they know how busy you are…yeah..that’s it. phew

OP posts: