Starting over in your 50's

[Emptynestx2]

I've posted before though didn't get a huge response. Background is my H has had emotional affairs, we/I have tried to work and get over these, it's hard as he still works with the last woman and travels with her. I have just found out that he has been messaging the first woman (approx 7 years ago). He has told her when we have arguments, how possessive I am although interestingly he didn't confide to her about the recent OW, presumably because he wanted her sympathy about how crap his life is without explaining why. He has also told lies about how he arranged my mums funeral single handedly... That is just a complete made up fact so he's living in a dream world of being a misunderstood hero....

I don't think I can come back from what I feel is the most recent betrayal - do you agree that level of intimacy is a betrayal btw?

So, if I can't put it back together again, how do I start over? I will have to move countries back to the uk. We moved away for his career 6 years ago.

Any help or insights would be much appreciated

New love not nee! Sorry.

You really can start over in your 50s. My mum was widowed in her late 40s. After a few years she met a lovely man and they got married. They had a good, happy marriage. Sadly he died last year, but he is the man my children knew as their grandad and they had a nice life together.

Trustyourself - if he doesn't want to be with me, why doesn't he say? I've given him many opportunities to say if that's the case and he swears that he loves me and only wants to be with me, I just don't understand

You cant make sense of it because you know its a load of nonsense. You know that if he stood in front of you and said it a 1000 times over you still wouldn't believe him because you know its not true.

Yes he may very well love you and I know my husband loved me in his own way but these men are not loving anyone in the proper sense because they have a warped sense of what love is and it will never be healthy.

Somewhere along the line you've woken up to who he is and you are having trouble with processing it because it quite possibly means huge changes in your lie and you're scared. You've had an emotional growth spurt, which is why you're now questioning all of this, and meanwhile he is still a teenager on an emotional level. He has stunted emotions and will never change. Its up to you what you do next and your basic line is can I live like this the rest of my life? Or do I be very brave and make a new life for myself.?

Personally, after 36 years of marriage living in a country that I moved to when I was 18 I decided I couldn't do it any longer and Ive now been separated for 4 years. Ive have loads of children, 6 grandchildren, and I a very full life. I also love the country where I've lived for 40 years. I live with my severely disabled son and I have a team of round the clock carers who help me look after him. Im not divorced but there is no contact between me and my husband except for house admin. Do I plan to ever have another relationship? No, I don't, because it isn't important to me and being on my own in that sense doesn't scare me one bit. I got married at 18 and Im now almost 60 and I think the years people have before they get married and settle down is what I have now - Im doing things backwards and Im happy.

Before you do anything else (apart from stopping listening to what he's saying) I would seek legal advice on how a divorce for e.g. would happen considering where you live. It will mean playing the long game and keeping your cards close to your chest for a while but it will pay off in the end.

The men who do this very rarely leave their wives, they just like to keep on carrying on, its up to you to decide whether you can go along with it or not.

Although I think it is a big deal, if you are not sure about divorcing then I would wait. He's an aging man, coming to the end of his career, which has probably come to form much of his identity; he is feeling impending irrelevance, children grown, and is getting an ego boost. It's sad to those of us who see it for what it is.

I don't know why this behaviour seems common but digital communication enables it. as it's easy to do it's hard to stop - a bit like stopping eating chocolate. I don't mean to minimise but that sudden impulse is easy to indulge, just for a minute , then the urge is gone and guilt appears for a while.

he needs to want to stop - often they do but it's a kind of stress outlet and they seem to find it hard. If they aren't having sex, people often seem able to rationalise it as somehow ok.

A good therapist would be my first attempt at a solution before divorce: that can come if he isn't willing to try, but it sounds as if he might be. He may feel quite ashamed and be unable to express this to you, but if he is, it can actually exacerbate the behaviour.

I don't mean to sound as if I'm accepting of this, but men of this age often go through something psychologically strange and it is possible he needs help if you are prepared to or want to give it.

You'll soon see if he is just being horrible I think.

Triskel the OP's husband has been going through it for years. This is not something new and I suspect that each time he's done it someone has been able to reason it away with one excuse after another.

Yes I keep reasoning it away. I feel I need to talk to him but don't know how I can believe whatever he tells me. I want the life I thought I had where he was my best friend!

I get that it started 7 years ago and isn't a one off thing. But if you haven't had therapy from someone qualified to help couples, I don't think you have really addressed it.

You can't cope with this alone because he probably doesn't really understand why he does it either.

You have every right to leave, but it doesn't sound as though that is what you want, so you could try therapy to help you both find a way forward, together or apart.

He is looking for attention for a reason - not because of you, but because of him. Counselling (if you want to go through the effort) will highlight things about both of you that will help, either in this relationship, or your next one.

That you (naturally) struggle to confront him shows you are not able to connect just now, so without support, nothing is going to change until you leave or decide to put up with this behaviour.

If you do decide to divorce (whether you stay in your current country or not and assuming you are British) please file in the UK. If you do it in France you'll end up with nothing, can't be sure of other EU countries, but make sure you seek legal advice in both countries.

I do think that 50 is actually quite young - imagine if you live into your seventies with this man, that will be another 20 years of your life living in anguish, when you could be so much happier. I don't think 6/7 years out of the job market is necessarily a problem, especially if you were seen to be supporting your husbands career.

I second what other pps have said about counselling - it could be the best thing you ever do. Put yourself first (just this once !)

Hi Triskel, thank you, you make a lot of sense. We did have a brief try at couples counselling two years ago, he said all the right things in there and appeared upset at times when he realised how much he'd hurt me. I thought we would be ok and then found more messages so I cancelled the next sessions. We talked and talked and I asked him to go for counselling but he said there was no need we he would never do anything to hurt me again. Now these latest messages.... I don't think there is any intention for anything physical between them as distance is a big factor but all this being admired and telling other women how sexy they are is very hurtful - can he not even see that?!

I don't think I'd get a lot in a divorce apart from a share of his pension and even if I return to work I would only be able to earn about 1/8th of his salary, we decided early on that because of his job and travel someone had to be there for the children - I don't regret this despite having to split myself in two for many years, I believe I gave them a stable home environment.

I'll talk to this counsellor tomorrow, my friends think I don't want to leave - I wish I was so sure.

I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply.

You could get spousal maintenance in a divorce settlement?

I hope that you find counselling useful.

The counsellor I saw advised me to take my time to make any decisions but the wise women of MN told me that it was up to me to make whatever decision I wanted to, when I wanted to. In my case I had a kind of epiphany where I knew that getting out was the best option (revelations that have emerged since then have shown that it was the beset decision I ever made). I think what I am trying to say is listen to your instincts.

*best decision

You seem preoccupied with him, his needs/motivations and the reactions of the women. Who gives a toss about them. Bugger them all and start thinking about what you want. What work experience do you have? Try applying for jobs in the UK from there. Or think outside the box and apply for travel jobs where you don't need a UK base.

I also wanted to say that if he leaves you in 5 years and you don't have any income, you'll feel even less prepared to start over. I'd suggest that you start working now and be ready to support yourself financially. If you stay with him, work but squirrel away what you earn for a rainy day. You'll feel more in control of your own destiny. If you don't have any skills, then now is the time when your days are free, to do online courses/work placements.

It might be quite pleasant as well as financially beneficial for you to have a PT job, just so that you don't focus so much on him and your relationship. You could meet people and build your self confidence as well as having your own money. What opportunities are there in your area? It may do HIM good too. Right now he knows where you are etc. I wonder if men sometimes behave better when you aren't in their pocket and they have to make an effort.

So I went to see the counsellor, I'm not sure where it will go to be honest, she quickly worked out that I have a lot of grief still from losing my mum nearly eight years ago. It is related as she was the one person who I could have talked to honestly and I miss her all over again. H seemed to want to make things better this weekend but then when we tried to talk he gets all defensive again and we're back at square one. He said that he thinks tea most men feel inadequate and need/want someone to make them feel better about themselves. I said that maybe true but most of them don't act on that and he got angry and said that I've just made him feel he's worth less than other men - I (possibly unwisely) said that maybe the case but if he wants to be with me he needs to work things out, he stopped the conversation and said he didn't want to talk any more and deal with my character assassination of him, it's like he just can't or won't admit he's done wrong. I thought we were making progress but only if I don't question him I think

I do understand about your mum. I had the same relationship with my dad who died four years ago. I don't think you ever stop missing them - that loving pat on the shoulder, sound words of advice but mostly knowing that they are always 100% behind you. Look for her spirit in little things. I don't believe they ever leave us. You are bound to yearn for her now.
Your husband is partly listening I suppose. He is wanting to calm you but his own ego is more important. If he thinks you are criticizing even slightly, he flares.up. It would be interesting to see what your counsellor says about that. If he was 18 you would put it down to immaturity, testosterone etc but you'd expect an older man to be calmer, more mature and rational. You have every right to expect a fair hearing and discussion. You really do!
It's strange that you posted. I was thinking about you!

He seriously cannot take any cristisism, he's saying all the same things (almost word for word) as he said before but says it feels different this time and he know he won't do it again... Groundhog Day