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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Starting over in your 50's

67 replies

Emptynestx2 · 20/04/2017 12:00

I've posted before though didn't get a huge response. Background is my H has had emotional affairs, we/I have tried to work and get over these, it's hard as he still works with the last woman and travels with her. I have just found out that he has been messaging the first woman (approx 7 years ago). He has told her when we have arguments, how possessive I am although interestingly he didn't confide to her about the recent OW, presumably because he wanted her sympathy about how crap his life is without explaining why. He has also told lies about how he arranged my mums funeral single handedly... That is just a complete made up fact so he's living in a dream world of being a misunderstood hero....

I don't think I can come back from what I feel is the most recent betrayal - do you agree that level of intimacy is a betrayal btw?

So, if I can't put it back together again, how do I start over? I will have to move countries back to the uk. We moved away for his career 6 years ago.

Any help or insights would be much appreciated

OP posts:
Whatalready · 27/04/2017 06:38

I'd knock his brains out tbh!
I think what he is doing is gas lighting! Sending texts to this woman and telling you it's nothing etc. He is having an affair. Perhaps he is not meeting her but he is certainly getting off on the idea. How dare he do this to you!
I think if your thread had a different title you would be swamped with posts. I hate thinking about you abroad and stuck with this man! Please get some advice. Do you have your own money at all to pay a solicitor over there? Could you slip away to see him? You need to find out what you could get. Life can be so much better than this and you can get a lot of support every step of the way from MN.
Flowers xx

diodati · 27/04/2017 06:53

I asked abusive H for a divorce when I was 48, moved across the world with my 2 DC (9 & 12 at the time) a year later. I knew no-one. I've just split from my would-be fiancé & I'm terrified I'll be alone for the rest of my life. At 54, I feel I'm "past it". So although I haven't regretted my divorce for a moment, I'm lonely & a bit scared. My closest friends all live "back home". So not much comfort for you but LTB was the best decision! Do it!

Whatalready · 27/04/2017 09:00

I can understand. But lovely people attract friends just the same at 54 as 24. If you have the freedom to go out (not got little ones), joining groups like amateur dramatic or badminton leagues will bring you into company. I think its self confidence. I felt isolated and lonely when I started university at 18 and had to force myself to go out. I suppose we just get out of the habit. Would you both feel better if you were back in the UK?

Original poster
Emptynestx2 · 27/04/2017 09:22

Not my imagination then? It's so hard when you've lived more than half a life with someone and then you find out they're not who you thought- kind of turns everything on its head. I've booked to see a counsellor next week to try and make sense of things, I'll also try and find out about lawyers dealing with expats.

Diodati - what made you move so far away - to get away from him? I hope you are ok, you sound lonely. We can chat, it's hard with small children because your world revolves around them so much.
My H isn't abusive - he's never touched me but he's he definitely gets off on chatting to other women. I've saved the conversations I've seen so I have some eveidence, he deletes things immediately though so not too much.

OP posts:
Whatalready · 27/04/2017 13:00

Just PM d you.
It's a type of abuse. He not only likes to text OW but likes to hurt you. A sort of sadistic pleasure. Delighted you are going to see the counsellor.

NotJanine · 27/04/2017 13:55

Empty - sounds like he's trying to re-frame the whole situation. Trying to minimise and convince you that it's no big deal. I experienced a lot of this. It messes with your head. My STBXH had me believing that I had issues and he always dissuaded me from talking to other people about any worries I had - painted any friends that I had in a very bad light, as troublemakers. It's only now that I am out of the relationship that I am starting to spot all of these things.

I'm a bit younger than you (late forties). I was scared of being on my own, but realised that it was better to be alone than to live a life of worry and feeling inadequate. Now that I have found out the extent of his deceit I am devastated (like you say it's finding out that they're not the person you thought they were) but glad that I am out of it.

I'm only at the early stages and it is hard, but I've moved to a new town (not the same as a different country!) and I'm making an effort to get out and do things and meet people.

I try not to look ahead. No one's future is certain. And there are lots of positives in being single, I've noticed how much more freedom I have than married friends and I'm getting used to making decisions on my own.

I hope the counsellor can help you organise your thoughts

Original poster
Emptynestx2 · 27/04/2017 14:03

Thank you - I feel like I'm talking about someone else's life! I hate big decisions, equally I can't keep saying if you do that again i'm leaving as it's meaningless. If I tell my brother I'm not sure what he'll do. He already told me my head is all over the place but made me cry when he said he's got my back if I need him. He lives in another continent too....

OP posts:
NotJanine · 27/04/2017 14:18

I think it is really important to talk to other people, to get their perspective. Friends, family, anyone. People who know you will be better placed to give you good advice

Original poster
Emptynestx2 · 27/04/2017 15:04

It's difficult though as I don't want to tell everyone ....

OP posts:
NotJanine · 27/04/2017 15:12

I know, I really do.

Is there just someone you can confide in?

Original poster
Emptynestx2 · 27/04/2017 15:30

Have been talking to an aunt and I will talk it over with a friend this weekend. Thank you for commenting

OP posts:
Findmuckery · 27/04/2017 16:12

Hope you're ok OP. Reading your posts you are definitely being gaslighted. I'm in my 50s and going through similar and it's quite scary isn't it? I feel "lucky " in a way as I know for a fact my H was cheating on me so in my case I feel I don't have a choice but to LTB.
I'd rather face being on my own though than living half a life with a man that isn't trustworthy and doesn't respect me. It's amazing how the reality of the situation hits you when you've got your legs in stirrups at the local STD clinic because your H can't keep his dick in his pants!
Hope you're alright OP

Findmuckery · 27/04/2017 16:15

By the way I'm still living with mine until we can split our finances but he's on the settee. I've got past the point of wanting to garrotte him with the potato peeler or any other sharp instrument, I feel pity for him that he's thrown everything away as we had built up a good life together ( apart from his lying and cheating)

Original poster
Emptynestx2 · 28/04/2017 01:55

Hi, I feel that too, we spent so many years building a life together, I can't believe that it meant so little to him - I knew there would be ups and downs but I'd never realised the downs were so bad, there wasn't anything as far as I knew. I now know that he was telling someone else I was a screaming shrew and telling me I was crazy when I tried to talk about us. I feel mad and so sad.

OP posts:
Whatalready · 29/04/2017 21:23

I hope you got the chance to speak to your friend and aunt. Did it help? Are you OK?
Your husband is lucky that you are considering the matter carefully before you decide.
It's hard to stay happy and married for 10, 20, 30 years. It's nice if we get closer but it's just as likely that we drift.
A marriage is not a failure if it's given you a happy family life and years of pleasure. But it's a terrible waste to endure til death us do part if the relationship goes bad.
I hope you keep posting xx

Original poster
Emptynestx2 · 29/04/2017 23:18

Thank you, I really appreciate your messages, you sound so caring and level headed, it really means a lot. I'm actually away with my friend so we are talking lots - I'm no closer to a decision but it's helping taking things through. I wish I had a crystal ball!!

OP posts:
Trustyourself2 · 30/04/2017 00:26

I'm really sorry you're being put through this. It's bloody shitty. I'm afraid to say that I don't think he wants to be with you anymore. I've been through this and after so many EA's and leaving me several times, then coming back because I was so heartbroken, he finally left for the last time over a year ago. I REALLY WISH I'D LEFT HIM, and I'm so disappointed with myself that I didn't. I'm 50. We didn't have children, so I didn't have that additional stress to deal with. I live in another country to my family, and I don't have friends where I'm living, I know people, but I'm not close to anyone. This past year I've been adjusting to being single and even though I thought I'd never get through it, I'm thankful and pleased to say that I have. I haven't made any huge changes to my life, but I hope I will in the near future, in order to move on completely. Everyone has different challenges during a breakup, but with support and knowing that your relationship isn't good for you, it really helps to get you through it. Don't be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. He won't change and you'll always be insecure and feel second best. Don't be afraid to reach out for support. You need to talk and get comfort from the people who love you. Be kind to yourself and don't expect too much from yourself. You will be ok.

MrsPeelyWaly · 30/04/2017 04:09

I've just split from my would-be fiancé & I'm terrified I'll be alone for the rest of my life

Diodati, until you learn to be on your own and be happy with you, your life will be nothing but one failed romance after another as you desperately get together with anyone who comes your way.

Take some time out from being with someone. Learn to be on your own and enjoy the person you'll become when you make yourself happy and you don't fear a life without a partner.

ChopsticksandChilliCrab · 30/04/2017 05:55

OP like you I'm in my 50s and living abroad. While I can see you are upset about the messaging my thoughts are very different from those expressed so far on this page. Your DH is enjoying some flirty talk and some different attention. Is that really so bad? At my work at the end of meals out people quite often have deep and personal chats and I bet it is the same at my DH's work. It is a way of connecting and being listened to with no judging, just sympathy.

Your husband doesn't want to leave, he loves you, and he could have gone if he wanted to, let's face it. This does not sound important let alone something you should be leaving him over.

Whatalready · 30/04/2017 09:53

What? I think you are alone in thinking it's OK! How many MNs would dismiss his texts as a bit of fun???? I think OP has been tolerant and patient. She is not rushing into making decisions. But his comments are hurtful. He KNOWS they are and he still doesn't stop. That's not loving. He has a whole lot of making up to do if he wants to keep the OP. I don't think I could forget and forgive. But harmless fun? You are mad.

ChopsticksandChilliCrab · 30/04/2017 15:47

Whatalready I'm not impressed by the personal abuse.

I am an expat in a long marriage like the OP and am offering a different viewpoint. I live and work in Asia and all I can say is that in my social and work circles this really would not be a big deal. I am not mad.

Original poster
Emptynestx2 · 30/04/2017 16:28

Chopstick - thank you for your viewpoint and I don't think any personal abuse was intended. I hear what you're saying and can understand a personal chat with colleagues away from home - I just don't understand months and possibly years of messages some of them intimate and one discussing a potential night away which was not work related.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emptynestx2 · 02/05/2017 18:27

He's bahaving as though nothing is wrong - I feel weak, life is easier that way, wish I had a crystal ball. Counsellor later this week so hopefully I'll get some perspective on everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emptynestx2 · 02/05/2017 18:28

Trustyourself - if he doesn't want to be with me, why doesn't he say? I've given him many opportunities to say if that's the case and he swears that he loves me and only wants to be with me, I just don't understand

OP posts:
Whatalready · 02/05/2017 19:16

Just something to think about... Right now you are fit, young and healthy. If you were ill, unhappy or old, could you rely on your DH to take care of you? If you met someone (even quite by accident) and became involved with him (romantically or platonically), would DH be jealous do you think? Would you LIKE to meet someone else? Does the idea of a nee love and heady passionate days sound lovely or do you recoil from that back to your husband? I asked a friend of mine whether he would be jealous if he saw his estranged wife with someone else and he said no, he'd be glad if someone took her off his hands. What would you say?
Just something to mull over. Might help! Hope you post after seeing the counsellor xx