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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He wouldn't let me breast feed..

64 replies

Enoughisenough17 · 19/04/2017 12:08

I had children before him and was young so I never wanted to breastfeed.
This is mine a DF first and last child together. It's his first ever and my last ever because I can't have anymore.
He was hugely vocal on the fact he didn't want me breastfeeding because he wanted the joy of the experience and also first feed. I felt guilty that I was depriving him of that and decided to bottle feed. Now I feel as though I've missed opportunity and I'll never get that back agian. I almost resent him for it, especially since I've done nearly all the feeds since leaving the hospital and now LO is over 5 months.
I've tried bringing it up and telling him how I feel but he brushes it under the carpet and says I'm just revisiting the past.
But the past is still haunting me.
I get jealous when other mums discuss breastfeeding and I lie and say I couldn't to avoid embarrassment.
AIBU to still be upset?
How do I let it go?

OP posts:
mycavitiesareempty · 19/04/2017 12:11

You almost resent him?? That would have been it for me, I'm afraid. Serously, divorce-worthy.

Is he selfish and controlling in other ways?

mycavitiesareempty · 19/04/2017 12:12

I'm sorry for your anguish by the way. It really isn't your fault.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/04/2017 12:16

Wow - he sounds like a controlling arse.
Is he???
Really look at him and his behaviour.
I'm sorry he bullied you into not breastfeeding.
That is lower than low!!!

Original poster
Enoughisenough17 · 19/04/2017 12:20

Yes he can be controlling but I can hold my own..
I've put him his place more often than not for showing signs of a narcissist.
But this was more he made me feel guilty. We didn't think we could have children.
Now I just feel I've missed out and more so I feel I've missed out on the support from my supposed be finance.
It hurts. He only does one night shift a week really. The rest of the time I do all the feeds..
I wanted to experience that bond and now I never can. Sad

OP posts:
mikado1 · 19/04/2017 12:21

Disgraceful. Agree completely with pp, there's no 'almost' for me. I do almost see it as abuse though. You alone had the right to make that decision. First feed? So selfish and for me, heart breaking. There's no point telling him you're upset now but it sounds like this is the start of you thinking twice about him. Keep doing that. So upset for you and as you say, not even doing the bloody feeds now. Maddening.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 19/04/2017 12:25

Flowers he sounds really selfish.

Fwiw I didn't breastfeed (although through my own choice) and didn't give DS his first feed- my mum did that as I was still being sick and was in no fit state to hold him let alone feed him (and DH didn't come to the hospital with me). It didn't affect the bond I created with DS at all, so there is still time if you can put what has happened in.the past and start afresh.

However, I wouldn't be able to stay with a man that controlling so it would be goodbye from me to him.

Piratesandpants · 19/04/2017 12:37

I had a friend whose husband did this. I say had because he's seen to it that we are no longer friends. He doesn't like me because I won't take his shitabd can see through his 'looking after his family' charade. Controlling.

Isetan · 19/04/2017 12:38

To be honest you really can't hold your own, if you allowed this pathetic excuse for a human to manipulate you into bottle feeding under the guise of sharing feeds, only for him to not do any. "I can hold my own" is the lie you tell yourself to minimalist the impact of his behaviour on you.

The only way you are going to get past the resentment is to accept that a) this is who he is and b) that you made a poor choice.

My response may appear unsympathetic but It's important that you realise that you have and had choices, the disempowerment you feel is the result of surrendering your power to a man who chooses to prioritise his needs at your expense. Use your resentment for you and your child's benefit and seriously question your relationship with this man.

highinthesky · 19/04/2017 12:41

Wtf?

Who comes first, him or your baby? There are plenty of opportunities for him to bond with DC over a nappy. Selfish, childish arsehole.

LaContessaDiPlump · 19/04/2017 12:41

Oh, op. Firstly, I couldn't establish bf with DS1 and had to supplement at medical request with DS2; we still have a bond and are close. That's not the be-all and end-all, although I completely understand your sadness at it not happening.

Secondly, your DH is a controlling cunt and if I were you I would be planning my escape. Words fucking fail me.

CoraPirbright · 19/04/2017 12:45

Good grief!! All that fuss and he doesn't even do the bloody feeds he insisted on????? And then he shuts you down for bringing up the past? He needs to understand the resentment you feel and ime there is nothing like resentment to kill love stone dead.

shellhider · 19/04/2017 12:49

He's been extremely selfish. He could have supported you and without you not having to breast feed; I'd be seriously considering if I was with the right person because somebody telling me that I couldn't breast feed my child would be a deal breaker.

DuckDonald · 19/04/2017 12:50

Shock. Wow, that's not nice.

As an aside - have you considered restarting your milk production? I know it's not the same as breastfeeding from the start, but would it help?

monkeyfacegrace · 19/04/2017 12:52

Please don't feel bad about not breastfeeding.

I didn't feed any of mine and it's not effected bonding or their health. They are fab kids and I adore them. So please don't feel guilty for one second.

The reasons that you didn't feed are a whole other issue....

INXS · 19/04/2017 12:53

Great post Duck - OP, hope this can work for you.

Your partner is awful, OP, I can't believe you allowed this, and when you say you "almost" resent him... almost? Why the minimising language - are you allowed to have your own feelings in your relationship? You sound a bit cowed.

CheesyWeez · 19/04/2017 12:54

I was going to say the same Duck. You could try restarting OP?
Your DP sounds jealous of your bond with the baby, but he should have his baby's well-being foremost in his mind surely

expatinscotland · 19/04/2017 12:56

You are not able to 'hold your own' if you let this man bully you like this AND you are still doing all the feeds. He is a narc.

Dragongirl10 · 19/04/2017 12:56

Op that is horrible of him, firstly he was not putting Dcs needs first, nor yours...this tells you an awful lot about him as a person.

You will still have the bond with your baby though and BF is not always easy or wonderful, though l understand your sadness.

Sadly l would be very concerned for your future with this man, holding your own is not a good basis for a supportive relationship....when things get tough you need to be able to trust him to make the right decisions in the best interest of those concerned...can you say that you really trust him?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 19/04/2017 12:58

If he wanted to feed the baby THAT much, I'd be kicking him out of bed to do the night feeds.
Every bloody one.

viques · 19/04/2017 12:58

Well what's done is done, very little point in regretting not bf now. Save your energy .........

Because what you need to concentrate on fully is your future relationship with your controlling partner. your child has the rest of its life ahead of it, as do you, do you really want to be at the mercy of someone else's irrational whims and fancies for the next twenty or so years, or do you want to be an independent, free thinking woman capable of making her own decisions about important events and milestones in your child's life.

see the breastfeeding issue as a huge red flag and act accordingly.

CheesyWeez · 19/04/2017 12:59

I meant the mother-baby bond, not specifically the BF, sorry

cauliflowercheese14 · 19/04/2017 13:02

The idea that anyone "lets" you breastfeed or not is fucking madness. It's your choice and yours alone. He sound hideous.

TwigTheWonderKid · 19/04/2017 13:05

At 5 months it's definitely still possible to consider relactation if it is something you'd like to try kellymom.com/bf/got-milk/relactation/

DistanceCall · 19/04/2017 13:06

He didn't want you to breastfeed beacause he couldn't bear you doing something with your child that he couldn't do. Like the dog in the manger.

Run. Seriously, run. This man is serious bad news.

HarmlessChap · 19/04/2017 13:09

As a man I find this quite unfathomable. Breast milk is best is the often used phrase, I can understand (just about) women who don't want to breastfeed as its their body so their choice but if a mother wishes to breastfeed then what kind of father wants second best for their child? It beggars belief!

FWIW DW fed mostly but so that I could ease the load she also expressed and we did one formula feed at around midnight as it helped with the sleep patterns. Never any problems with teat confusion or whatever it is called. So there is no reason for him not to be involved and even with the first feed he can be sat there with you, sharing in the moment.

I'll bet that it is more about jealousy, the sooner your milk dries up sooner so he gets his play pillows back!