He wouldn't let me breast feed..

[Enoughisenough17]

I had children before him and was young so I never wanted to breastfeed.
This is mine a DF first and last child together. It's his first ever and my last ever because I can't have anymore.
He was hugely vocal on the fact he didn't want me breastfeeding because he wanted the joy of the experience and also first feed. I felt guilty that I was depriving him of that and decided to bottle feed. Now I feel as though I've missed opportunity and I'll never get that back agian. I almost resent him for it, especially since I've done nearly all the feeds since leaving the hospital and now LO is over 5 months.
I've tried bringing it up and telling him how I feel but he brushes it under the carpet and says I'm just revisiting the past.
But the past is still haunting me.
I get jealous when other mums discuss breastfeeding and I lie and say I couldn't to avoid embarrassment.
AIBU to still be upset?
How do I let it go?

Yes he can be controlling but I can hold my own..

That's what I said.

Until i couldn't

He will get worse and worse. He has NO business telling you how to feed your baby. None whatsoever.

If he wants to be involved, you can express and the baby would take the bottle. Please see if you can BF, and give serious thought to kicking this awful man to the kerb?

I sound pathetic don't I.
Maybe I'm not as in control as I'd like to think.
I've thought of leaving believe me.

I'd love to try breastfeeding but I'm now on alsorts of medication. One being setraline for depression believe it or not. (I'm not exactly well)
My LG has a milk allergy also.. not a great start ay? But I'm open to ideas.. I still manage to squeeze something out. That promising I suppose?

He's an arse, but you know that.

I would look at getting one of these. Apparently they make re-lactation a bit easier. Good luck.

I agree, i don't think you know how to assert yourself as much as you think you do. But you can learn to be more assertive, i would start by making sure he does regular feeds!

Think very carefully about what you're going to do next.

You can't hold your own otherwise you would have bf when you wanted to and he wouldn't have been able to make you feel guilty or sorry for him.

I had similar from my ILs when I had my daughter. No one in their family has ever bf and it was considered to be the ultimate in selfish and disgusting behaviour.

I held my own and bf for 18 months. That's what holding your own looks like.

You are telling yourself that you can hold your own so that you can feel better about it.

That's not a criticism of you. But I think you need to face up to the fact that is going to get worse and not better. x

He does them on his night shift..
(He works full time)
But during his days off he almost throws a paddy and has no patience. DD is a fussy eater and doesn't always feed great. So I end up taking over because he just gives in. Plus he says well I had her last night. Saturday's he goes to football and the restof the time I have her.

Can't remember the last time I had me time during the day..

Oh sorry tell a lie (I went out for the day with my mum a few weeks ago)
He didn't complain because it was my mum

When i had dd 4.5 years ago i never gave breastfeeding a thought just automatically bought bottles and formula fed.

When she was around 4 months old i started to feel real regret not attempting breastfeeding and used to really dwell on it.

I had a very small amount of colostrum leakage in pregnancy but nothing after birth and sort of convinced myself that i probably wouldnt of produced much milk anyway otherwise i would of had leakage or discomfort after birth.

I always said i would have a try at breastfeeding if we ever had another.

Ds is due in one week and again i never gave breastfeeding a thought just bought the bottles and formula again. However this last week i have been thinking about trying it. However my boobs are sore and im leaking colostrum again but i am very worried about trying it so dont know if i will.

I breastfed on sertraline if that helps you to try relactating: )

What are you worried about, Baker?

What the actual fuck?

He sounds like an arse, but seriously, you don't sound like you hold your own at all. Wouldn't 'let' you? Wtf.

He didn't complain because it was my mum

That's a telling little comment - would he have complained if you just had a little time to yourself or with a mate? If so, he really does sound desperately controlling.

He didn't complain because it was your mum? so if you want to see friends he tries to stop you? Sounds like he's isolating you on top of being controlling.
Your depression may improve vastly if you get out of his control (or it may not, but many people find their MH improves once they aren't living with a controlling cunt).
Breastfeeding isn't the be all and end all, though it sounds like you should try re-establishing now. But it's much less important than whether your child grows up with a controlling / abusive parent!

Everybody.

Things im worried about or that really puts me off....

• the pain, im worried about it hurting or not liking the feeling of it.
• society - i feel there is still a big stigma against breastfeeding (midwife also agreed when i mentioned it to her)
• i have very severe PGP and im very worried about breastfeeding making me continue to have it.
• there is no way i would feel comfortable breastfeeding in front of people or in public.
• im very worried about using my breasts for feeding when they are used alot during sexual activity.

The choice of whether to breastfeed or bottle-feed is yours alone, not his. It is your body it affects, not his.

He sounds like a controlling twat. Consider your options carefully.

I bottle-fed my three, but it was my choice. I wouldn't have let DH or anyone else make it for me. In fact, DH would have known better than to have even tried. He isn't a controlling arse.

He goes out a lot more than me.. that's for sure..
I can't really drink or do much atm, I have a serious illness I'm due surgery without going into detail..
So I'm pretty much stuck in lingo atm...
I need to build more confidence in the breastfeeding department. It totally knocked it for ten.

I'd have told him where to shove it.
It sounds like you have a controlling arse, and you let it go by showing him the door.
Please look at why you have allowed such a person into your life and why you thought he'd be a good father.
So sorry he has done this to you, please don't let him control anymore of your life.

im very worried about using my breasts for feeding when they are used alot during sexual activity.

Their raison d'etre is to produce milk to feed babies. Any other function is secondary to that. Not vice versa. What is it about that that worries you?

I can honestly say that I didn't feel any stigma against it. I bf anywhere and everywhere. It's free, requires no sterilising and is already prepared and at the perfect temperature for night feeds, on holiday, days out. The only people who expressed any unpleasant views were my parents! I didn't get so much as a Hard Stare from anyone else.

It is a unique sensation. I can see how some people would find that unpleasant, but you won't know until you try!

I don't know anything about PGP and whether bf would continue it. All I do know is that your body is designed to bf. Whilst some people might be unable to, or choose not to or whatever, it is, ultimately, what your body is expecting to happen so it's not going to be screaming, "WTF is she doing!!!"

As others have said, some people relactate successfully.

You have mentioned a serious illness requiring surgery soon. Perhaps just visit your GP that this and any medication you are on for it are not contra-indicated if you are breastfeeding. If they aren't then give it a go if YOU want to. Ignore him if he starts off.

Bakerbear -

• stigma really varies across social groups and communities; in mine there would be a slight stigma against not trying breastfeeding. some groups are militantly pro-bf to the point of people feeling like a failure or whatever bollocks if it doesn't work.
• it doesn't feel like much unless the baby bites (hurts like hell) or the latch isn't right, which gets sorted out (or bf stops). it feels nice overall, in my experience, and not the intensity of playing with your nipples if you see what i mean
• once you are used to it, it's easy to use a cloth like one of these www.ebay.co.uk/p/?iid=172509174783 where you can see the baby but people can't see in. I found that more comfortable than just whipping 'em out in public, and no one ever commented
• re sex: not sure the source of your 'worry'. it's a new way to use your breasts, for sure, but it doesn't interfere with sexual use and anyway bf is for a short time in your life, they'll return to only having that function when you stop bf! i can see feeling a difference there but there isn't anything to worry about, your baby won't get sex vibes or anything!

"Oh sorry tell a lie (I went out for the day with my mum a few weeks ago)
He didn't complain because it was my mum"

I thought people were overreacting about the breastfeeding issue, but then you said this. This is one of the worst red flags of them all. Isolating you from your friends is horrible and makes you incredibly vulnerable and reliant on him. Next thing you know he is being violent and you have no-one to turn to.

BakerBear, there is absolutely no reason to breastfeed if you don't want to, however if you decided to give it a go you might find it works. If not, no harm done.

The point is not to breastfeed. It really, really isn't such a big deal. Many women cannot or don't want to breastfeed and it's perfectly all right. It's not the end of the world.

The point here is that your husband controls your choices and who you see. THAT is what's seriously wrong, not whether you breastfeed or not.

And I think that probably you are so troubled about this because you're displacing all the other underlying stuff.

I'm with Distance on this.

I didn't breastfeed because my ex husband didn't want me to. His reasons were different to your fiance's but all the same I didn't. I'm now out of the relationship. I deeply regret letting him choose for me. I reconciled myself with it at the time by telling myself that it was best anyway. Despite feeling really shit about it especially with my 2nd child.

It's likely this is one example of your partner's controlling behaviour.

My children have turned out OK so far and I have a really good relationship with them so don't let the lack of breastfeeding worry you regarding bonding. Not really sure trying to breastfeed now especially before an op is the best idea.

But perhaps look at what else goes on at home and see how much of your life you really control and perhaps talk to your HV about how you feel and why. See if you can get some support to deal with the situation you're in. I kept it all to myself because I felt so ashamed. Even now I've only told the therapist about it. Speaking to someone now might help you decide whether this is something you can deal with or whether it's part of a wider pattern in your relationship with your fiancé which might make you reconsider whether you should stay with him.

I also agree with Distance.

I wanted to say also - maybe he isn't understanding how he as a dad can still have a bond. Which is very short sighted of him.

I breastfed DD2 (DD1 as well but she was pre DH) and DH still was 100% involved and bonded. He changed, bathed, burped, cuddled, rocked DD. She would often sleep on his chest (still would) because he's warm and her daddy and he showers her with love and attention. He has a special daddy relationship with her and I have our mummy one 😀.
Bonding has nothing to do with BF. This is true for both for mums and dads. I'm sure you are developing a lovely bond with your DD. If you want to try Restarting BF great that's up to you. But I think you need to assess you DH's behaviour and talk to him. Maybe just ask him to do more things than just feeding.

Just bloody sad (and almost disbelieving) and angry that a man made a woman do this. I can barely understand how a woman was persuaded by a man to go against her role as a mother, but I suppose some shitty men persuade women to do all kinds of things against their self-interest. As I read some where culture trumps maternal instinct for most women. Makes me sick though.