Please help (trigger warning)

[Beyondworried]

Posting here for traffic and have name changed as am desperate for advice.
My 18 yo DD has disclosed tonight that she was raped on Friday night. Feel utterly numb. Waiting for the police. Can anyone tell me what the process will be... what happens after they have spoken to her?

I feel completely helpless to do anything except send you both love and hugs. And to say that I'll be thinking of you, as I'm sure we all will be. And you sound like a bloody wonderful mother - she's in your bed, that says so much about your bond and how deeply, deeply she knows she can trust you.

Yes, you are right ohfour.... I am keeping my anger in. I dont want her to worry about how I'm feeling as she may close off if she thought I was getting upset. She wasn't even going to tell me about it until I gently prosed it out of her but it took me actually asking 'Do you think you were raped" for her to tell me.

My DH has just called from work and has been such a rock. He has been giving me some intel on possible scenarios with this shithead. He used to work in the same profession.

I have been overwhelmed with the messages of support. This place really is a god send.

Yes you are absolutely right free and I have been careful not to place blame myself. My DD has recognised herself that her friend's behaviour placed her in harms way but hindsight is always a great thing isn't it. I quietly suggested that now was probably not the right time to be dissecting that aspect of the evening.

I'm glad your DD was able to tell you and you are supporting her through this.

I was raped at 19 and still a virgin. Only 4 people know apart from me and I've never disclosed it to family.

Oh Beyond, I wish I could reach through the screen and give you an enormous hug

(Sorry, I know that's very unMNetty )

God you sound like such a fab mum. I wish that everyone had someone so supportive in their lives.

You approached it with complete care and you obviously have a very close bond with dd.

Thank you all so much for the support. This is proving to be cathartic for you all

Have asked MNHQ to move this to r'ships as I don't think it should stay in AIBU anymore

While it's totally understandable that you feel you want to kill the rapist, I just want to point out that this is not a thought to ever share with the person who has been raped (and obviously, don't commit any actual violence against them either). It has the effect of making the survivor feel like the world is an even more violent and frightening place than they thought - and now someone they loved and trusted is revealing their capacity for violence too. Plus many rape victims know their rapist and have complex feelings about him. Fear that their loved ones may respond with anger/violence against the rapist puts many victims off reporting or sharing.

Like I said, totally understandable - vent it here or to others but not to the victim.

OP, all best to you and your daughter.

hang tight OP

all you can do for her is 100% support and be on her side, whatever she decided to do

agree re therapy, please feel free to PM if you want a private recommendation (I know someone who is very good and is experienced in this, and she does telephone work)

Its a worthwhile investment OP, and the sooner the better

she will be OK you know, its a shiotty horrible thing but with you, and good help she will get through this XX

Can't offer any advice, just let her know your there for her any time day or night.
Really hope she'll be ok, feel so sorry for you both and disgust at the scum who did this to her.
Looks after yourself too

Hi all,

We're just moving this over to relationships.

Sending strength and love to you, OP.

Yes absolutely under. I have restricted my anger to here but you are absolutely right. That is a very interesting issue you have flagged up and not something I would have thought of.
Thank you stop I will speak to my DD at some point to see what she thinks

No problem beyond. I issued it as a bit of a PSA to anyone who loves or supports a sexual assault victim - believe me I get the impulse but the last thing a rape victim needs is to be scared other people are going to go vigilante on their behalf. As she recovers, she will probably get to a place herself where she is spittingly angry at him, but for now she needs love, care and to be respected and listened to above all.

I am glad she has your support and I wish you both the best.

No advice but here for a hand hold. I love that she is able to take comfort from sleeping in your bed. Xx

So sorry that she (and you) are going through this, I can imagine how I would react if this happened to my DD, but I doubt I would live up to my username.

I'm glad she reported it as men animals like that will continue if they are not stopped. I hope that with the right support she is able to work through this, put it behind her and move on.

and her friend who was with her that evening and whose fault it was she even came to be in the situation she was in.

It was the scumbag who raped her's fault that she came to be in the situation, the friend could maybe have been a better friend but the guilty person here is the rapist. Hopefully he will be convicted and receive a custodial sentence. I believe fellow prisoners aren't awfully fond of rapists.

So sorry to hear about your daughters ordeal. She sounds like a survivor who will not let this define her.

I just wanted to post about rape conviction rates. According to the report from the CPS below the conviction rate is 57%.

www.cps.gov.uk/news/latest_news/vawg_report_2016/

The often mentioned stat of less than 5% conviction rate includes attacks that are not reported but are estimated to occur.

There's nothing wrong if she does let this define her either. Or if she's not "strong" at any point.

I am a rape survivor (and not always comfortable with that word) and I'm not always strong about it. And I wasn't going to be defined by other people's actions, but in trying not to b something, it still had hold of me.

And none of that is relevant to the immediacy of your current situation OP, but I just wanted to put it out there.

Really, really happy for your DD that she has you, OP, you're doing well.

OP why are the RMPs not dragging his arse back over here?

Just wanted to send you and DD love and strength Beyond, I'm glad she has you and that you have somewhere to offload and get support for yourself while you help her through this. I'm a rape survivor too and wish I'd had someone to look after me the way you're looking after DD, gentle hugs to you both

There is a useful guide here for partners/parents
www.capefearpsych.org/documents/Rape-mensguide.pdf

My DH found this useful.

Also, while your primary concern is for your DD, please do look after yourself and see if you need some help or advice too.

The anger has kicked in for me today. Struggling.

(((((((())))))))))). Anger is good. Anger can be your friend at a horrific time like this. You let it all out. We're all here for you. X

I can't imagine how much you must be struggling.
I hope you got some sleep.
Get some help for you too.
Did you contact rape crisis yet?
Hand holding here!!
😥

When I was raped this online group were amazing.they have forums in reporting to the police, the court process and general support as well an an area for supporting family members. Although it was started in the US it is international and there is advice and support for UK as well.

www.pandys.org

I'm so sorry you and DD are going through this.