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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help (trigger warning)

81 replies

Beyondworried · 18/04/2017 23:04

Posting here for traffic and have name changed as am desperate for advice.
My 18 yo DD has disclosed tonight that she was raped on Friday night. Feel utterly numb. Waiting for the police. Can anyone tell me what the process will be... what happens after they have spoken to her?

OP posts:
WankingMonkey · 19/04/2017 02:15

How awful for you, but more for your DD. I hope shes coping ok. I know you said she seems calm. I was when I was raped but I was screaming inside. I don't say that to make you feel worse, just to let you know that everything may not be as 'fine' as it seems.

Talk about it as much or as little as she wants. And be careful how you word things..my dad was amazing (my mum still doesn't know. Noone does except DH and my dad) but even little things puit me on the defensive and into shutdown mode. Even, for example when asking what happened. I explained a bit and my dad said 'then what did you do' and I heard this as him asking..what I did to provoke it? I know he wasn't asking that but I was super sensitive to everything.

I never spoke to a crisis team or anything but do feel that might ave helped. I poured my heart out to people on the internet instead. Friends, but friends I had never met. It helped. Though not enough for me to report and I still see his smug face everywhere and mutual friends talk about him quite often about how much of a good guy he is and everything...its awful.

Your daughter is doing the best thing speaking to the police. I wish I did.

Original poster
Beyondworried · 19/04/2017 03:31

Thank you for your kind messages. Sat in forensic medical unit while she is examined and swabs taken. I want to kill the fucker. I think I could easily stab him. My darling sweet girl. She is tiny and he was a big brute. She seems to be holding up pretty well at the moment. Me on the other hand has been sitting in a waiting room crying. Must not let her see me like this.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 19/04/2017 03:59

Oh Beyond Sad

Yes, it's your dd going through this. But it's so important that you have support too.

Ask for some advice about where you can access support. You need to be everything you can be for your dd but in order for you to do that you need to be supported too.

Dumdedumdedum · 19/04/2017 04:04

Just Flowers for you both. She is lucky she feels able to confide in you, as are you, though it may not feel like it right now. Good wishes to both of you. So sorry.

Original poster
Beyondworried · 19/04/2017 06:38

Back home and she is in my bed. Really struggling with how to move forward and support her. I am raging inside. I want to smash his fucking head in. He had his hands around her throat. Cant even be sure this will even get to court and if it does the chance of a conviction is minimal. Her word against his.

OP posts:
KellyBoo000 · 19/04/2017 07:23

No advice but I am so so sorry. Your poor daughter Flowers

MrsTwix · 19/04/2017 08:23

Sorry Flowers

DartmoorDoughnut · 19/04/2017 08:26

Oh god that's horrendous Sad your poor DD

BastardGoDarkly · 19/04/2017 08:52

I hope you both got some sleep, did the police recommend any counselling for the two of you.

Your feelings of anger are natural of course, we'd all feel the same.

Have you got any plans for today? Brew

Original poster
Beyondworried · 19/04/2017 13:34

The police have been amazing as were the staff at the unit. They have emailed her a few links but she says she doesn't feel like talking about it right now. I guess that may change in time. She doesn't want this to define her as a person and I think she is worried about the whole process. Conviction rates are so low assuming a case even gets to court. We haven't heard whether he has been arrested but she was able to give the police a lot of information so he will be pretty easy to track down. I feel a bit bad as I did say a few times she needed to report this while she just wanted to forget about it and move on. Am wondering if that is a normal response. I am going to see if I can get this moved from AIBU.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 19/04/2017 13:52

Please please don't feel bad. She's reported it and she has the option now of deciding not to pursue it if she so wishes. It's not as easy to not report and then change her mind later.

How about you? How are you doing?

AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley · 19/04/2017 13:59

OP it must have taken a lot for her to tell you. AND it says a lot about you as a mom that she trusted you enough to be open with you. So many people stay silent.

Re: the process, (still quite fresh in my mind as I was there last year) she will be asked for a statement- what happened, a description of the bastard, etc. IIRC the ideal "window" for them to collect medical evidence is 5 days? Silly question, but does she still have the clothes she was wearing, and have they been washed?

Original poster
Beyondworried · 19/04/2017 14:05

They have taken away some of her clothes (she couldn't find her knickers but wasn't sure which pair she was wearing) and she has given them a detailed statement. I guess it's the waiting game now. I feel absolute rage inside but am remaining calm on the outside as I do not want her to see how this has affected me. I need her to feel ok about talking as and when she wants to.
So sad to see other women on this thread who have been through this. My heart goes out to you.

OP posts:
AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley · 19/04/2017 14:07

Let it out on here OP. We are here.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/04/2017 14:09

Wow - she's being an incredibly strong young lady.
You must be very proud of her and what she is doing.
If the police gave her links then give her a bit of time.
She absolutely will need to talk about this with a professional at some stage.
But I'm guessing she is still pretty much in shock right now.
Was one of the links for Rape Crisis?
They are meant to be very good.

I'm so so sorry this has happened to your gorgeous baby.
My DD is 19 and I worry about this all the time.
Get some counselling for yourself. This must be like your worst nightmare come true.
Rape Crisis should be able to help you as well. Help you to help her!?
Lots of hugs and lots of love is what she needs right now.
I could cry for you.

Original poster
Beyondworried · 19/04/2017 14:50

Well, it seems the scumbag has left the country. Police phoned DD about 40 minutes ago. They know which flight he went on and which one he is supposed to be coming back on. I have no idea how on earth the police were able to find all that out. He will have a 'welcoming committee' when he disembarks at the airport apparently (assuming he comes back). They have identified his employer who are on board. I can't go into the nitty gritty for obvious reasons but he works in an area where you can't just disappear without someone being on your case if that makes sense.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 19/04/2017 14:56

Fucking scumbag Angry

If and when this goes to court, skipping the country ain't going to do him any favours: it just screams "guilty". And if his employer is on board then his life is going to be affected at the very least.

AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley · 19/04/2017 14:57

Sending you strength... is she ok? Are you ok?

ohfourfoxache · 19/04/2017 14:58

Have you thought about contacting Rape Crisis? In order to be strong for her you need to be strong yourself- and to do that you need support.

Is there anyone else who knows in RL?

Original poster
Beyondworried · 19/04/2017 15:01

Am not sure if the trip was pre-planned.
I am holding it together but feel so fucking down. I never thought I was a violent person but I am 100% certain I would kill him if I had the chance. DD is being amazing. She is being quite stoic about it. I always said she was an old head on young shoulders even when she was a newborn bean. Policeman has given her his mobile number so she can call him at any time. They have been so amazing. So kind and gentle with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beyondworried · 19/04/2017 15:03

Someone mentioned Rape Crisis and DD has their details. I might given them a call. She has only told her boyfriend and her friend who was with her that evening and whose fault it was she even came to be in the situation she was in.

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 19/04/2017 15:04

For you both Flowers
Don't really know what to say other than I'm so sorry this has happened and here for you, of course.

I hope they get him very soon and justice is done swiftly.

X

PollytheDolly · 19/04/2017 15:07

I never thought I was a violent person but I am 100% certain I would kill him if I had the chance.

Perfectly normal to feel this way. I'd be the same.

Police sound amazing, I'm glad your DD has such wonderful support around her. She sounds amazing too, as do you.

ohfourfoxache · 19/04/2017 15:10

Beyond please don't think I'm being patronising, but you're allowed to be angry- you do know that, don't you?

No matter how old they are, if something hurts one of your babies then it's totally, completely normal for "mummy tiger" to emerge, and the instinct to cause monumental harm to the perpetrator is natural and wholly understandable.

From your posts it feels like you want to suppress your anger, which I completely get. But please give yourself permission to feel what you're feeling Thanks

Is there anything any of us can do to help?

freemanbatch · 19/04/2017 15:29

You are amazing, your daughter is very lucky to have you, I wish my mum had been like you when I needed it.

Just one thing though, I'm sure it's not intentional but your comment about it being your daughter's friend's fault that she was in the situation is something that it's ok to think and ok to say to us but please don't say it too your daughter. She could very easily read it as you saying it wouldn't have happened if she'd done something different and therefore she's to blame for it.

I Know you don't mean that and in a rational state your daughter would know that as well but right now she isn't rational and, from experience, I can tell you it's an upsetting thing to here from someone you love.