OW messaging again....

[flibberdy]

Hi Mumsnet
I posted here last year under a different username that I can no longer remember (I change quite often!) and was given fantastic advice so wanted to return and sound off.. not looking for advice as such (not much I can do) but want somewhere I can moan freely!

So, anyways, to cut a long story short(ish) my DH had an affair last year. I was heartbroken and all the rest.. we weren't living together at the time as he had moved due to his work contract and it was when I finally moved to be with him I found it out. Suspicious texts on phone, that sort of thing.
We decided to work through it, and he has been great since. Much more open, changed his phone number, more attentive etc etc. I know some may say to LTB anyway but that's not where I'm at right now, and I'm happy with this ... so far....

(Drum roll please!)

DH is, shall we say, a "public figure" and as such has an instagram account that I run for him. I enjoy doing this and I'm much better at it than he would be replying to "fans" on his behalf, making him sign things and sending them off etc etc. At this point I should be clear and say although he's a public figure, it's very niche and not anyone to get excited about honest! - but it does lead to a lot of female attention that I kind of just bat away -- most of the time!

Anyway, OW popped up in his inbox on instagram today. it brought it all back, I feel sick and anxious again. From the message it's clear she can't get in contact with him any other way - "hi, I miss you, I hope you're ok. Please call me xxxx"
So now queue the FUMING. Ugh.
She knows about me. His last couple of instagram pics are of me/him, our family.
I've managed so far to save all my anger for him, he's the one that made vows to me and broke them, she didn't. So I haven't been the crazy wife calling her/going to her work/her house/etc.
It wasn't her I blamed, but now I'm so mad at her (irrational???)
When it all blew up last year, she kept on requesting to follow me on social media, then when I declined she got her sister and friends to try. I ignored it all. Trying to be the bigger woman here and focus my anger on DH and try to work on our marriage. I ended up coming off private because the constant requests were making me anxious and at the end of the day, I had done nothing wrong. I had nothing to be embarrassed about. I kept telling myself this. My photos are quite scarce anyway, and nothing that would identify the DC or our location.

So, what do I do? Do I just ignore the message? Block her? Send her an evil reply? Ugh.

Thank you if you got this far.., possibly the longest post I've ever written!!

Block her.
But first tell her to fuck off.

Block her.

If it was me I'd bluntly tell her to fucking do one!

The sensible thing though is probably to block and ignore. Don't give ger any attention, she will crave more of it if you give her a reaction.

Block her. Take the high ground. What a stupid cow for chasing him.

I hope you're having a lovely wee life now OP.

I would bear in mind that anything you say may end up in the press, so be careful.

I think I'd reply, "My husband made it plain to you on DATE that he wanted nothing more to do with you. That's still the case."

I'm sorry this has opened old wounds for you.

OK, the good news is that she clearly isn't in contact with him in any other way, otherwise she wouldn't use the Instagram account.

I would spend loads of time on MN thinking of cutting replies to her, designed to make her feel small and insignificant. But in actual fact, the best thing is to ignore & block.

Personally I would message her as if I was DH telling her I'm not interested and her attempts to get in touch are pathetic...but that would be morally wrong. At least if you just block her she will assume it's your DH who has done it which might make her sad

And don't tell him

That all sounds...awful, OP.

Not much advice other than block her but just wanted to say you conducted yourself so well. Your anger is justified, her harassment of you was well below the belt.You hold so much power if you ignore her than react. She will never know what he thought about that message and tough shit. She deserves to feel unsettled at the very least.

Don't reply as yourself! If she knows your DH hasn't seen her message she may assume it's you keeping him away from her and keep trying. You want her to realise that he's not interested.

Ignore and block.

He should expect this. She's obviously bored & bitter

If you reply as yourself then she'll try other ways of contacting him. I wouldn't reply, just block her.

Thanks MN, you're all making me feel better. I think it's best to block. I think if you're blocked on instagram it's quite obvious when you try to look at their page, so hopefully she'll think DH blocked her.

can we have a pretend-reply suggestions?

"Hey, troutpout, next time you do a mirror selfie please tidy your bedroom behind you- it's a pigsty"

Oh, and looking at her instagram, she actually has a sneaky photo of him (well, his shoe next to hers) followed by loads of stupid #hashtags including #DHname and #VIP. Omg... thank goodness she only has 12 followers

If she's still trying to message him, then clearly he wasn't very firm in telling her to do one when it all blew up.

This is his mess, not yours, and he needs to deal with it. Get him to compose a f-o message, show it to you so you can make sure it is strong enough, then send it. And block her.

My H's OW tried this. I showed him every pathetic attempt at contact as I was furious - if he'd told her whht he was telling me about what he thought of her she should have been too ashamed to even think abou it (she was a loon - huge back story that I can't be bothered to go into here, but amongst other things pretended a friend was dead to get sympathy and bond with him).

Anyway, he told her. Haven't heard a peep since. Stop cleaning up his mess - it isn't your responsibility. Really, your H should be outraged that she is so pathetic and is trying to sabotage his work in making your relationship right.

"Why are you being such a sad bitch and stalking me? I told you it was over XXX months ago. Get a grip you vacuous piece of shit."

Or is that TOO mean?

Does your Husband know she's been back in touch? Have you told him? Will you?

LaMere is right, he needs to be the one to tell her.

'I shall let DH know you want him to contact you but I wouldn't hold your breath. - flibberdy'

Pretend reply

"My husband is just fine, thanks for your concern. Perhaps you'd benefit from focusing on a single available man, so that you don't miss mine.'

OR

"Sorry, who are you again? Do I know you?"

OR

send numerous links to dating websites and make no other comment

#Tinder

plenty of fish

lonely hearts

Ugh I would be so pissed off.

pretend reply

I see you still haven't managed to move on from your sad little obsession. Isn't it about time you fucked off and got your own life.

BLOCK HER !!!!

LaMere you're right, it is his mess. But I'm loathe to encourage any form of communication between them.
When it all blew up he composed a message to her that he made me read and I saw it sent. It wasn't nice, it was very strong. "Leave me alone now, i made a mistake, i love my wife I need to focus on being a better husband. Don't contact me again"
I actually made him take out one part where he was mean to her as he was making it seem as though she was stalking him and that clearly wasn't the case, they were both enjoying the affair by all accounts and at that point although he told me she knew about me I wasn't convinced so I didn't blame her as such... i felt a bit sorry for her, thinking maybe she thought she had found a good catch but he hid the wife/family part from her.
What's clear now though is that she is well aware of me but still trying to rekindle. Ughhhhhh. Get your own man!!!!!

Wristy- I told him. He looked pretty sheepish and said just to ignore it and block her.

TrollTheRespawn OMG how much would I looooove to send that.
Scared though it might make her run to The Daily Fail for a sad face photo
"Obscure public figure cheats on (lovely) DW with sadface Trollface"

I'd reply as him.

I said it was over and it is.

Or

It's time you moved on honey.